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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with SIL specifying exactly what presents to get her dc?

57 replies

fpesha · 17/12/2007 10:30

At my dd's party in nov SIL approached MIL and told her she had written a list of what her ds1 wanted for christmas and decided who would get him what and went on to tell her what she could get him and emailed MIL the next day with details of exactly what,where,how much etc.

She told dp that her ds1 wanted some dinosaur thing from matalan thats on 3 for 2. She did the same for his bday giving us just an item no for something in Argos which we bought. I decided that actually i would like to have a little shop around and choose something myself as I really enjoy choosing presents for people and we have a ds the same age so have a pretty good idea of what 4 yo boys like (and really thats pretty much anything isnt it?!) so dp (not wanting to cause trouble) told her it was sold out, she texted back later saying she'd had a look and yes it was

2 weeks ago she rang me and said she was in matalan and had picked up the last 3, it'd be £7.98 so she'd get them for me. I told her actually i was just going to shop around abit for something. She sounded annoyed and said oh she was already queueing and at least this way she'd know it was something he'd actually want so I relented and said ok. I still dont know what they are as dp gave her the money (he gave her a tenner and she never gave him change btw [petty])and she just handed him the bag.

Yesterday she texted asking what to get for my ds2, I told her bath toys, clothes or books or anything really but I could be more specific if she'd like. I also asked her for ideas for her ds2. She said he would like 9-12 month winter clothes or vouchers for Matalan or Tesco. I said ok I'd have a look as I love buying baby clothes. She texted back saying 'B looks good in blues and browns' B is 6 months old ffs he looks good in anything - he's a baby!

I really am pissed off, I love buying xmas presents and for me a big part of the fun is choosing something and then seeing that person happy with what you got them. I dont mind ideas or suggestions eg he needs clothes or he's into spiderman/Ben10 whatever but to be told exactly just takes all the fun out of it. We're not spending alot so its not like this is their main presents I'm choosing, its just little extras. i feel she'd really just prefer it if i gave her the money and let her do it all which ro me isnt what christmas is all about

Now i have issues with sil anyway and find myself finding it harder and harder to put up with her. Am I overreacting to this because of how I feel? Or am I right to be totally pissed off and wanting to buy something totally different!!

OP posts:
titchy · 17/12/2007 10:33

I like choosing stuff for people too! Mental note for next year - when she tells you what she wants tell her you've already done all your Christmas shopping - even if she raises the subject in August!

FluffyMummy123 · 17/12/2007 10:35

Message withdrawn

Saturn74 · 17/12/2007 10:35

This isn't an issue about presents.
It's an issue about a bossy SIL.
You are over-reacting a bit - surely it's one present off the list if SIL is specific - especially if she actually goes and gets it herself?

But I think you need to stand up to her now, or there will just be more and more annoying issues.

Tell her in future that you will decide which presents to buy, so thank you for her advice, but you don't need it.

She sounds like a bit of a control freak, so you need to take back control of the elements of her life that you are involved in.

Desiderata · 17/12/2007 10:39

I think your instincts on this are entirely correct. She's being extremely controlling, not to mention lacking in imagination.

She should not be in total control of what other people buy her dcs .. and I really think you need to pluck up the courage to tell her so.

Good luck

LazyLinePainterJane · 17/12/2007 10:40

She is being very specific....

DS has very red hair and I would probably also say the same thing about the clothes as he looks awful in some colours and I would never put him in there. I wouldn't want someone to spend money needlessly.

I think your situation is different though, You also have children, of a matching age, and therefore have no problem picking gifts. I guess it would be different if you were someone without a clue.

She sounds like she is very *ahem... forthright and the only way to deal with people like her is to just be super blunt and say that you want to choose a present. Either that or just ignore her instructions and buy what you want. You should have said that you had already bought a gift when she phoned from Matalan.

She sounds like a control freak.

lalalonglegs · 17/12/2007 10:41

She does sound rather charmless but I do have a bit of sympathy with her - we end up getting so much rubbish (not suggesting that you would give crap gifts) that sometimes I feel tempted just to tell people what we want for the dc and where to get it. That way we don't end up wading through ten tonnes of plastic stuff that doesn't last until New Year. Will say that there are probably more tactful ways of going about this though.

LazyLinePainterJane · 17/12/2007 10:41

Also agree with cod, sounds like she doesn't like your gifts. In which case she needs a good cup of shut the fuck up and be grateful for what you get!

EricScrooge · 17/12/2007 10:44

There are a load of control freaks around - we all know at least one.

They start to blow gaskets at this time of year and overheat.

I like to specifically annoy them and buy something completely different.

There is one we know who wants us to buy our kids the exact same things. We have refused to tell them what we have bought this year and you can see their stress levels rising at having to think for themselves for once.

Ha!

Original poster
fpesha · 17/12/2007 10:45

Lol Titchy

I buy lovely presents Cod, I was thinking maybe these

And I think you're right HC, we had family photos done recently for dps grandparents (she is my dp's brother's fiance) and she changed the photographer we were going to for one she thought was better. He was hopeless with the babies and didnt get any smiley ones but I only know this from seeing them on the screen at the time. She collected the cd to choose from and despite me asking several times I have not got to look at it so have no say in what pic they use although we will of course have to pay a share. We are also all going out for christmas lunch and she managed to convince dp's grandparents (who are very kindly paying) to change venue by moaning about the food etc, the new place is much closer to her, much further for us.

I'm trying not to get involved as its not my family to cause problems in iyswim but I'm finding it harder and harder.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 17/12/2007 10:51

I can't stand some of the rubbish that ds gets for christmas. I try to advise, ds rally likes ......, but my mum is the worst. She is being a bit charmless, but I understand her point.

JingleyJen · 17/12/2007 10:51

OMG I think I am a control freak!

PiL are not very good at pressie buying so tend to just give us a cheque - I have asked them not to give us a cheque and sent them an email with links to things on the elc website that I know DS's would love.

My Mum is not the best at pressie buying and even though I was specific with her about what I wanted for my birthday (this weekend) she still bought me a pretty lambswool scarf - I am allergic to lambswool and have been from birth!

I love surprises from people who are good at pressie buying but other people I feel the need to guide them. Does that make me a bad person??

PirateInaPeartree · 17/12/2007 10:51

£20

she sounds like a nightmare. Ok I know I suggest things to my rellies, as tbh they always ask, cos they always say 'well you know whats she would like'

yet she does sound like xmas is taking over!!

can we have a word like bridezilla, for xmas!

Yes she is an Xmaszilla.

SelfishMrsClaus · 17/12/2007 10:53

I'd tell her next year you weren't buying C'mas gifts.

I would hate to be dictated to about what to buy.

This isn't what C'mas is about!

I have never in my life saw so much aggro as this year, re: gifts & what to buy & when to open & what to spent... & that's only in my own family!!

I have stepped back this year & said I'm not buying to anyone, please don't buy to us.

EricScrooge · 17/12/2007 10:54

I think it's fine when people ask you for ideas though - they need to know what the kids are in to versus what they have already got.

It's nice to give them just a rough idea or a few ideas so they can choose themselves though - not give them precise instructions.

Oblomov · 17/12/2007 10:54

XmasZilla

yurt1 · 17/12/2007 10:57

control freak definitely. Wish someone would do my christmas shopping for me though

SelfishMrsClaus · 17/12/2007 11:00

MIL always asks if I have any ideas of what they can get the kids.

This year I was as specific as I have ever been.. I said "Don't get them anything with small bits"

As last year I was pissed off hoovering up bits of toys

She seemed OK with this....

Lauriefairycake · 17/12/2007 11:10

I'm totally the opposite - maybe she's more like me . I can't bear a lot of crap stuff lying around so am reasonably specific when people ask me what to get.

And also when we buy for our godchildren I really really don't want to buy them something they have already (cos we have little money and they buy a lot so the children have everything)

I wanted to buy them the entire thomas tank collection (£30 on book people ) but it was a big outlay for us so wanted to be sure they didn't already have it.

I would be gutted if I bought that and they already had it.

differentbutthesame · 17/12/2007 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fpesha · 17/12/2007 11:15

Ah but see Laurie thats something you've chosen yourself and re then just checking to make sure they dont have it.

I'm fine with ideas or a list of a few things to choose from but its the way she's just instructing us what to get without even being asked.

OP posts:
mrspnut · 17/12/2007 11:18

I like to be quite specific about what to buy my children, partly because DD1 is almost a teenager and usually wants specific cd's or books and partly because I hate plastic toys.

I know my MIL has bought DD2 two noisy bits of plastic tat - and I've already told her that they can stay at her house because they are not coming in mine.

I'm aware that others might think I'm unreasonable but I don't care. Wooden toys last longer, require more imagination and don't drive me up the wall.
That said, I wouldn't ring people and tell them that I've bought the stuff I've put on the list and tell them to cough up for it.
I shall just make peoples lives a misery for the next 12 months instead [tongue firmly in cheek]

Original poster
fpesha · 17/12/2007 11:20

But at least you gave a choice of three!!

We're only spending about a tenner so its just a little something fun. And with me having a ds the same age I was hoping I might be able to find something as part of a 2for1 type deal that they could both have so I could get something worth a bit more

OP posts:
multitasker · 17/12/2007 11:21

Just red the op and think you have 2 choices - either you bow to her unreasonable expectations - in which case reinforcing her control freakery status, or just ignore her and buy what you think is appropraite - I am guilty of buying the odd pot of play-do....

She is being incredibly rude.

Elasticwoman · 17/12/2007 11:36

Agree that sil is unutterably rude and also agree that next year you should tell her you've already done your Christmas shopping.

IsawKIMIkissingsantaclaus · 17/12/2007 11:38

Get him a drum kit SIL sounds a bit OCD