To be annoyed with SIL specifying exactly what presents to get her dc?

[fpesha]

At my dd's party in nov SIL approached MIL and told her she had written a list of what her ds1 wanted for christmas and decided who would get him what and went on to tell her what she could get him and emailed MIL the next day with details of exactly what,where,how much etc.

She told dp that her ds1 wanted some dinosaur thing from matalan thats on 3 for 2. She did the same for his bday giving us just an item no for something in Argos which we bought. I decided that actually i would like to have a little shop around and choose something myself as I really enjoy choosing presents for people and we have a ds the same age so have a pretty good idea of what 4 yo boys like (and really thats pretty much anything isnt it?!) so dp (not wanting to cause trouble) told her it was sold out, she texted back later saying she'd had a look and yes it was

2 weeks ago she rang me and said she was in matalan and had picked up the last 3, it'd be £7.98 so she'd get them for me. I told her actually i was just going to shop around abit for something. She sounded annoyed and said oh she was already queueing and at least this way she'd know it was something he'd actually want so I relented and said ok. I still dont know what they are as dp gave her the money (he gave her a tenner and she never gave him change btw [petty])and she just handed him the bag.

Yesterday she texted asking what to get for my ds2, I told her bath toys, clothes or books or anything really but I could be more specific if she'd like. I also asked her for ideas for her ds2. She said he would like 9-12 month winter clothes or vouchers for Matalan or Tesco. I said ok I'd have a look as I love buying baby clothes. She texted back saying 'B looks good in blues and browns' B is 6 months old ffs he looks good in anything - he's a baby!

I really am pissed off, I love buying xmas presents and for me a big part of the fun is choosing something and then seeing that person happy with what you got them. I dont mind ideas or suggestions eg he needs clothes or he's into spiderman/Ben10 whatever but to be told exactly just takes all the fun out of it. We're not spending alot so its not like this is their main presents I'm choosing, its just little extras. i feel she'd really just prefer it if i gave her the money and let her do it all which ro me isnt what christmas is all about

Now i have issues with sil anyway and find myself finding it harder and harder to put up with her. Am I overreacting to this because of how I feel? Or am I right to be totally pissed off and wanting to buy something totally different!!

Looking at it from her side though - how many people does she have buying for her children? And how many people buy crap?

My DD is quite unusual in that she just does not like typically girlie toys (she's having a skaletrix and a car garage this year) and I have to say that to watch her face crush with disappointment as she opens up yet another inappropriate present is just heartbreaking. Last year, she was given dolls, hair clips all sorts of toys that I have never seen her play with and it is such a waste of money. I would say every year I return or give away to the charity shop over £100 of toys / presents because they are just inappropriate for her (usually from family who do not actually know her, so buy things that normal girls her age like, not realising that she hates it!). Also, we get lots of duplicates - last year we had 8 sets of arts and crafts stuff (all cutting and sticking stuff) - I mean what do you do with all that apart from give it away? To give you an idea, last year I returned enough stuff to Toys R Us, that I actually traded it in for a new bike for her!

Also how would you feel if you knew that your hard earned cash was going to go straight down the charity shop in Jan?

However, perhaps she is being a bit strict. I do a list - but put specific items and generic items on there (like jeans or easel etc) so people can choose themselves or they can have more direction if they want that. I understand the need to avoid the duplicates and the crap, but I also understand that some people want some degree of choice!

one of my friends told me about someone she knows who vets her kids presents before they are allowed to play with them - and anything that isn't approved of goes straight to the charity shop.
It was explained to the kids that they could only keep x number of presents, the rest had to go to people who weren't as well off.
friend was in a quandry as to whether to chose something the daughter would like (but which might get binned) or something the mum would approve of, but which the daughter wouldn't get as much enjoyment from.

I'm quite happy to be given a list with a few options on, it was being told exactly what to get without even having asked her and the way she told me what colours to get that wound me up. Although I have to say I was very good and resisted the urge to buy something totally outrageous and bought her ds2 something which I think she'll really like.

We know her boys very well as they live only 20 minutes away and we see quite alot of them so I do have a pretty good idea of what they like and what they already have.

Next year I will definitely tell her I have done all my shopping early so avoid all this happening again hopefully!

Good to see that the general consensus is that IANBU.

i think someone asked if I have other issues with her and i do, which is why I was unsure how justified my annoyance was this time. She is generally rude and controlling but in a very 'hi hun, please love' type way so its hard to show annoyance without looking like im the unreasonable one iyswim.

And I have to spend christmas day with her

Oh well, I shall just be very busy with my baby I think!

I am wondering if perhaps she has promised her DS everything he has asked for from his Christmas list, if he has such a thing, and then found she can't afford it all so it making sure you get the stuff instead. If she has she is both very silly for not managing her DS's expectations so that he knows he won't get everything he wants and very cheeky for making you pick up her slack.

Like others we also swap lists of ideas with anybody who asks what to get my boys but my SIL is always very specific about one item. The only alternative she says is to give her boys money so that they can save for something they really want which to me is not on at all. That isn't really what Christmas is about.

I often see things that I would like to get her boys. Often they are things like science sets and slightly more educational things. They do have practically everything in the way of toys already so it would be very easy to duplicate the run of the mill Lego, transformers, Mecanno etc which is why I would like to buy something they wouldn't have thought but I'm not allowed. Maybe next year I just won't ask but I know she will ask me and then I will feel obliged to ask her and I still won't get to chose.

Niecie - do what I'm going to do and buy their bits in sept! That way when she asks just say you have bought them something already!

fpesha - I had thought of that but I am not sure I am strong enough!

Isn't it funny how often we give in to these people. My SIL is nice but she is a bit humourless so whereas with my other SIL I could joke my way out of difficult situations I can't do that with her. She tells me what her boys want and that is what they will get. They strike me as a bit spoilt tbh so I shouldn't care if they don't get exactly what they ask for but I do. Pathetic.

I did what you were suggesting 2 years ago and it didn't go down well - barely got a thank you on the day and a really badly typed thank you letter than her son hadn't even bothered to sign afterwards.

Shame I can't wrap up a box of good manners for Christmas!

Maybe I will tr

Unless someone to buy, it's incredibly presumptuous and rude to start demanding what you want as a present.

Just buy the presents, and if your SIL doesn't like them, then she can return or exchange them herself.