To be annoyed with SIL specifying exactly what presents to get her dc?

[fpesha]

At my dd's party in nov SIL approached MIL and told her she had written a list of what her ds1 wanted for christmas and decided who would get him what and went on to tell her what she could get him and emailed MIL the next day with details of exactly what,where,how much etc.

She told dp that her ds1 wanted some dinosaur thing from matalan thats on 3 for 2. She did the same for his bday giving us just an item no for something in Argos which we bought. I decided that actually i would like to have a little shop around and choose something myself as I really enjoy choosing presents for people and we have a ds the same age so have a pretty good idea of what 4 yo boys like (and really thats pretty much anything isnt it?!) so dp (not wanting to cause trouble) told her it was sold out, she texted back later saying she'd had a look and yes it was

2 weeks ago she rang me and said she was in matalan and had picked up the last 3, it'd be £7.98 so she'd get them for me. I told her actually i was just going to shop around abit for something. She sounded annoyed and said oh she was already queueing and at least this way she'd know it was something he'd actually want so I relented and said ok. I still dont know what they are as dp gave her the money (he gave her a tenner and she never gave him change btw [petty])and she just handed him the bag.

Yesterday she texted asking what to get for my ds2, I told her bath toys, clothes or books or anything really but I could be more specific if she'd like. I also asked her for ideas for her ds2. She said he would like 9-12 month winter clothes or vouchers for Matalan or Tesco. I said ok I'd have a look as I love buying baby clothes. She texted back saying 'B looks good in blues and browns' B is 6 months old ffs he looks good in anything - he's a baby!

I really am pissed off, I love buying xmas presents and for me a big part of the fun is choosing something and then seeing that person happy with what you got them. I dont mind ideas or suggestions eg he needs clothes or he's into spiderman/Ben10 whatever but to be told exactly just takes all the fun out of it. We're not spending alot so its not like this is their main presents I'm choosing, its just little extras. i feel she'd really just prefer it if i gave her the money and let her do it all which ro me isnt what christmas is all about

Now i have issues with sil anyway and find myself finding it harder and harder to put up with her. Am I overreacting to this because of how I feel? Or am I right to be totally pissed off and wanting to buy something totally different!!

eek feel bad now as i've given loads of people suggestions for what to buy ds although people did ask me.

I must admit I like to know what he is getting as we have a lot of family and I don't want him getting a ton of stuff he won't use. That's my main worry is that he has so many toys that he barely glances at and just sticks to a few of his favourites I'd hate to see people waste their money on something he won't use.

I wouldn't be bothered if people ignored my suggestions and I certainly wouldn't insist they bought something specific. So far everyone seems happy with what i've suggested [paranoid do they think I'm a control freak moment]

we're always precise and tell family exactly what the children want. so are my sisters. works beautifully.

How joyless is her idea of gift-giving?

There's nothing wrong with making suggestions, because some people genuinely want ideas or don't have a clue.

Definately give them something hugely inappropriate, a huge cuddly toy or something in large, colourful moulded plastic which could form a lovely centre-piece for her living room perhaps?

its one think saying oh ds dd would like so and so but not to ring the shop etc...

thing

In some ways i think she is doing right by telling you what her dc want because for my dd's 1st birthday she ended up with loads of jackets all in the same size so some would only get worn a few times which to me seems like a waste.

On the other hand she sounds like a control freak and she would have been better off like you said;

"I dont mind ideas or suggestions eg he needs clothes or he's into spiderman/Ben10 whatever but to be told exactly just takes all the fun out of it."

Her way seems to be taking the fun out of everything and telling you exactly what to spend etc is a bit

This would annoy the living crap out of me. That really is VERY controlling and as someone said totally a joyless way of doing it. The sheer nerve of her phoning you from the queue to tell you what you were going to be told to buy Her attitude is outrageous!

My SIL has done things along the same lines and I think if it's important enough to you that you have to withdraw your consent - I told her on a couple of occasions when she started to tell me her ideas (or should I say Item Numbers and Page of Catalogue) "oh it's ok I've already bought for your kids". I buy really early so that I'm armed

I do agree with lalalonglegs.

My heart has sunk some years as I've waded through all the piles of plastic rubbish on Christmas night that my DD has been given (3 Barbies anyone? 4 babies that wet themselves.) Most of it is forgotten with 5 minutes and I have to find space to store it all.

fpesah, sounds like a Christmas gift list would work very well for your SIL - you know the sort that goes out with wedding invitations.

I'd just give her the money - she sounds like a nightmare.

My sil goes even further. SHe buys the item then tells me what she has bought and asks for the money.

I accepted it for Xmas but have said no for her birthday as I have gift vouchers

Not that I'm giving neice the vouchers its just I get them as part of Xmas bonus from work so I need to spend them. Also her buying for me gives me no control on how much I spend.

Dhs bro and wfe specify exactly what they want for their kids but I am glad, as if they didn't, anything I could possibly buy would be a duplicate as they seem to buy everything for their kids, to the point the kids get fed up with opening stuff.
I asked what was wanted for their DS and suggested something and she said she thinks they have already got that, in fact, theyhave got him all the Scooby Doo stuff there is apart from the board game as he wouldn't like that.
I was also expected to get Doodle Daisy for their DD even though it was sold out everywhere so they will have to settle for Doodle Doug. I have wrapped it and DH delivered it last night so it's tough.

oh dear oh dear what awkward in-laws we all seem to have. This is the main reason why I simply don't get involved in doing my husbands shopping for him but make him do his own.

No-one should tell you what to buy their dc - that is just unbelievably rude - however - if you ask someone what they would like then you should get it, otherwise, why ask them what they would like in the first place?

Although in this case the OP says she doesn't ask, she just gets told - honestly,. tell your other half to do it - I started doing this 10 years ago and it really is a load off.

We women have all got enough to do with work, sorting out our own dc's xmas, sorting out our own families at xmas. Let OH's do some of the work starting with their own present shopping and liaising and organising.

I have the same problem with my SIL, and she then goes out and buys whatever she likes for my 5.

mind you, to be fair, I have had a lot going on over the years what with many many hospital visits for 3 of mine on the run up to xmas, cos between october and april the worst bugs are about the they all have immunity probs. I think she thinks she is helping. I have even had her ring me and tell me that she has bought them their items and what I owe her!!!!

BUT, in all other ways she is a great SIL, so for me I let it ride. I guess it must be harder if you have other issues aswell.

I still do get them each something small for their 'tree-presents' tho, so satisfying my need to feel as tho I am involved. and with 5 of my own kiddies, shopping is very much fun for me already

oh dear my MIL buys tons of tat for my DD BUT she adores her and it gives her great pleasure - I just grit my teeth and add it to the ever growing pile of junk...why ruin her pleasure at xmas ....oh she buys me tons tat too...the best last year was a book on embroidery if you knew me it is obvious that I am the LAST person to take up embroidery but she is a great MIL

I'd be perfectly happy with your SIL - if this is the only friction point (is it?). I'd see her as simply making my life easier.

Sticking my neck out, I think the problem here is that her "controllingness" over what her children get is in direct conflict with, er, your controllingness over what you want to give.

have not read all of thread but I'm atraid to say I'm quite directive with my dds presents at xmas/birthdays. After last years 3 santa sacks from the inlaws episode (she was 3 months old). I'm only specific with family however. I trust my mates to get nice stuff

To family I've said max 3 presents each from elc or money into her trust fund or vouchers for Next/Gap/John Lewis/M+S. (for clothes for her). I like to dress her in stuff I choose for her, that's just how it is. Her Godmum buys her clothes tho cos she's got good taste!

We've got a small but lovely house and I refuse to fill it full of junk!!!!

Does this make me controlling, probably yes but not as bad a some

The point of gifts in NOT to get stuff you want!

It's that others think enough of you to try to choose something they feel you would like. If they want some help and suggestions with this fine, if however they want to choose something all by themselves, lovely.

and it SHOUlDN'T matter whether you like it or not, you should be graciously recieve all gifts and if you have to take things back/swap/or have to give away stuff later then so be it.

IT'S THE THOUGT THAT COUNTS REMEBER.

IMO your SIL is ungracious and lacking in style.

Hooray for smileys!!!!

I SO SO agree with you! People do seem to have utterly lost the point of presents and gifts and as you so rightly say IT IS NOT about getting what you want from your own personal wish list it's about accepting graciously what the other person wants to give!

Smileys you are a voice of sanity

I do have sympathy for the OPs SIL, as DH has a very specific christmas list and anything that he doesn't actually ask for, and exactly as asked for, is extremely likely to go into the garage, and never be taken out of the box or bag(he is a bit ASD). After knowing him for 15 years, and being married for 10 years, I still can only buy tiny extra things with any hope. His mother hates this, and used to never buy what he asked her for - tried to get something like it - so now he does an Amazon wishlist as you can't go wrong.
Yes- it isn't about getting everything you wish for, but I think its terrible to waste time and money on buying something that the other person won't use or want.
I'd much rather my sils told us what to buy their kids than being given 'ideas' and then finding that they have the same stuff 3 times. So the kids get vouchers now.

Much as I love choosing presents for hubby and the children I hate buying presents for other people, I think I CARE too much about whether they will be pleased with what I choose. So personally being told what someone wants is heaven to me

Much as I love choosing presents for hubby and the children I hate buying presents for other people, I think I CARE too much about whether they will be pleased with what I choose. So personally being told what someone wants is heaven to me

I give very specific ideas to DH's family after they ask me what to buy the children but I make it very clear if they see something they would rather buy then that would be wonderful. I'd actually like it if they did bother to look. Can you be my SIL?

She sounds very controlling. Next year do your Christmas shopping really early so by the time she hands around the list or buys the items on your behalf you can tell her you have already bought something.

But one day when they're older and you don't have a clue what to buy them, you might regret not being given specific ideas