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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's friend needing new underwear

137 replies

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:32

Putting this here for traffic as i need a quick reply.

DD age 4 made friends with a little girl the first day of reception and they have been firm friends ever since. This little girl comes from a family that are really struggling for money, her mum has confided in me about how hard they are finding things financially after she lost her Job during the first lockdown and various other reasons. We have invited this little girl over for tea several times, tonight being one of them, DD has just come to me and said friend has told her that her knickers are digging in and asked if its ok friend takes them off. Having spoken to friend it turns out her knickers are way to small and she has nasty red marks where they have dug in apparently mummy says they cant buy her new ones until daddy gets paid (I have no idea when this is)

Dad will be here to collect any time now on his way home from work, would i be unreasonable to put DD's knickers (new a week ago and clean) in to a bag and say she has outgrown them so would they be any use? I can go and buy DD some new ones tomorrow. Id happily buy this little girl new ones but i cant get to the shops until tomorrow and that would mean she would have to wear small ones that dig in again tomorrow. I am 99% certain mum and dad wouldnt be offended and if it was any other item of clothing i wouldnt think twice but is it really grim to gift used knickers even if they are fairly new and clean. Also i dont have cash in the house so i cant give cash and tell dad to stop at the shops on the way home.

YABU just buy her new ones tomorrow one more day in small ones wont hurt her.

YANBU gift her DD's old (new ones) so she can be comfortable

DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4, DD is in 5-6 so DD's would definitely fit her better.

OP posts:
Pommes · 01/12/2021 18:34

Could you pop in a T-shirt or something too, OP, to make it look less obvious that you know there's a particular issue?

You and your daughter sound very kind.

Embracelife · 01/12/2021 18:34

Yes do it
Clean washer underwear is fine
""Dd has grown out if these, any good?" Throw in some other outgrown items too?

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:38

I didnt even think about throwing in some other bits i do have a couple of pairs of pjs i could put in the bag. Will do that now before dad arrives.

OP posts:
Cakeisbest · 01/12/2021 18:40

Tricky one - I think you need to speak to the mum and say her DD says her knickers are digging in and wants to take them off and is it ok to pop her in a pair of your DD's which are bigger? I think you need to be careful in case it is misunderstood how you got involved with her DD's knickers in the first place. No need to reference the shortage of money, just be matter-of-fact about it.

Winterfellismyhome · 01/12/2021 18:40

Thats very kind of you. Agree about putting some other bits in too

DobbyTheChristmasHouseElf · 01/12/2021 18:41

I agree with pp about swapping knickers for new ones. Yy to any other clothes esp warm ones for this time of year. Do you have spare hot water bottle, gloves or hat etc that might do the job? They might not be turning heating on etc.To be honest it's not YOUR responsibility to do this of course but if we all thought like that then the world would be even colder and sadder than it already is for some. You are kind and being a great role model to your DD.

BornIn78 · 01/12/2021 18:41

No I wouldn’t do any of your options, or if you do you’ll need to explain that she was complaining her knickers were too small and digging in so much that she asked to take them off.

If you don’t explain, then there’s something that really doesn’t sit right with you discussing or looking at another child’s knickers while she’s there for a play date, I’m pretty sure the NSPCC has guidance around teaching your children this.

Who knows what her parents might think when they find out from her that you’ve been asking her about her knickers and you’ve given them no explanation about it.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 01/12/2021 18:42

OP, you are a kind soul, and it sounds like a lovely gesture and that the mum won’t be offended. Go for it.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 01/12/2021 18:45

Oh wait, I misread and thought you’d told the mum over the phone her daughter had said about knickers being too tight.

It might be worth talking to her first perhaps and explaining as I agree with PP that you would need to be careful how you approach this. It’s still a lonely thought but I’d talk to the mum before sending home knickers I think….

GreenLunchBox · 01/12/2021 18:45

Hmmmm, I wouldn't do either

Maflingo · 01/12/2021 18:46

Could she spill some juice that meant she needed to borrow some dry clothes that your DD happens to have grown out of?

Nanalisa60 · 01/12/2021 18:47

I would just tell her to pop on a pair of your daughters, then pop a few more bits in a bag. I would also drop of a parcel at Christmas with some new pants vest socks and maybe some pjs. Also tell the mum that this should go under the tree from Santa. You don’t want her to feel pressure to give your daughter a present. Also are local charity’s or local radio in your area helping with Christmas presents, maybe you could put the family name forward for a bit of help. You daughter and you sound very kind.

Whingasaurus · 01/12/2021 18:48

Just give her a bag of clothes and say DD grown out of these do you want to have a rummage at home and charity shop anything you don't want? She can then accept or refuse.

RestingPandaFace · 01/12/2021 18:50

I would put them in a bag and say you washed them before realising that they were the wrong size.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 01/12/2021 18:51

Definitely do this. But if they are as new as you say, perhaps you could say you accidentally bought your DD the wrong size. Shame to bin nearly new knickers!

By the way, hand-me-downs are much sought after in my circles. No money issues, just sensible! Definitely not offensive in these parts.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 01/12/2021 18:52

Or what @RestingPandaFace said!

DobbyTheHouseElk · 01/12/2021 18:52

No, anything involving underwear and removed underwear I’d stay well away from.

Unless you know the parents very very well. I’d keep out of it.

Akire · 01/12/2021 18:52

I think coming home in new pants needs explanation. Say she mentioned to daughter about really hurting and leg all red so you gave her a spare pair as you didn’t want make fuss or check and see what problem was. Easier all round just to make her comfortable so they can check when she’s home if to small a pair “by accident”. Some parents can be really touchy about accepting charity only you know if may be offended by bag stuff appearing (agree pants with other things better than just pants!)

Gottahavehighhopes · 01/12/2021 18:54

I'd suggest buying a pack of knickers, and pretending that they were bought for your daughter but its the wrong size/dd won't wear the style/ do prefers a different fit and because its underwear you cant return them so offering them?

Yournamehere007 · 01/12/2021 18:55

Its better do something than nothing. What's thr worst that can happen? I think is a lovely thing to doSmile. I would be grateful if struggling and someone did that for me.

TwinklyBranch · 01/12/2021 18:56
Hmm
mangomama91 · 01/12/2021 18:59

My daughter's best friend's mum has given me her outgrown clothes before a few times, including knickers. I've never been offended.
Definitely agree with others to chuck a few other bits in so it's not obvious:)

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 01/12/2021 18:59

I think bearing in mind that the Mum has already confided in you about things being extremely tight, I would tell them the truth, ie. your little one told mine that her pants were digging in and asked if she could take them off, and that she also mentioned that her Mum couldn't afford any new ones until pay day, so as your daughter had some spare you thought they might help out in the short term until pay day. Then if you put in the other bits, just say you realised while sorting out the pants that the PJ's were no longer needed, so can she make use of them. I think making any other sort of excuse for giving her the pants could be misinterpreted, and feel honesty is the best way to go here OP.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/12/2021 18:59

Definitely do this. They’ll be grateful. We’ve been in dire financial situations before.

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:59

Dad has just collected, i have given them clothes before so it wasnt unusual of me to hand over a bag of DD's outgrown things ive just never passed on knickers before.
I have messaged mum to say friend was complaining her knickers felt uncomfy and that since DD has just got new ones i put the old ones in a bag with some pj's shes also outgrown incase they were useful until she could get to the shops for new ones. Mum replied "thank you thats really helpful" so hopefully she isnt offended.

Just to reassure everyone that i didnt ask friend about her knickers or look at them, when DD told me i asked friend if she was ok as DD said she was uncomfortable, she said her knickers had dug in and sort of lifted the side of her trouser so i could see her hip where it had dug in. I told her dad was on the way so best to leave them on until she got home. She had a bag of spare clothes which i looked in and saw the spare ones were a 3-4

OP posts: