DD's friend needing new underwear

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

Putting this here for traffic as i need a quick reply.

DD age 4 made friends with a little girl the first day of reception and they have been firm friends ever since. This little girl comes from a family that are really struggling for money, her mum has confided in me about how hard they are finding things financially after she lost her Job during the first lockdown and various other reasons. We have invited this little girl over for tea several times, tonight being one of them, DD has just come to me and said friend has told her that her knickers are digging in and asked if its ok friend takes them off. Having spoken to friend it turns out her knickers are way to small and she has nasty red marks where they have dug in apparently mummy says they cant buy her new ones until daddy gets paid (I have no idea when this is)

Dad will be here to collect any time now on his way home from work, would i be unreasonable to put DD's knickers (new a week ago and clean) in to a bag and say she has outgrown them so would they be any use? I can go and buy DD some new ones tomorrow. Id happily buy this little girl new ones but i cant get to the shops until tomorrow and that would mean she would have to wear small ones that dig in again tomorrow. I am 99% certain mum and dad wouldnt be offended and if it was any other item of clothing i wouldnt think twice but is it really grim to gift used knickers even if they are fairly new and clean. Also i dont have cash in the house so i cant give cash and tell dad to stop at the shops on the way home.

YABU just buy her new ones tomorrow one more day in small ones wont hurt her.

YANBU gift her DD's old (new ones) so she can be comfortable

DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4, DD is in 5-6 so DD's would definitely fit her better.

V kind OP. Well done x

@flymetothezoo

I keep returning to this thread as I used to be in a role that required a high degree of awareness of children's safeguarding.

I think it's a safeguarding issue if the child's underwear is hurting her and you should probably speak to the school if concerned. And don't let visiting children remove their underwear in your home.

I absolutely get that this is all coming from a good place but you sound very naive. This family's financial problems aren't for you to solve, you need to signpost them to agencies that can support them effectively.

You sound as cold as ice.

So you've never passed on bags of no longer needed children's clothing to friends, relatives, neighbours or acquaintances?

You've never had a toddler or a 3 to 4 year old have an "accident" or unexpected tummy upset whilst playing at your house that required the provision of a spare pair of pants?

Are you suggesting that if a child is visiting someone else's home and were to complain, for example, that her welly boots were too tight and hurting her but her mummy can't buy new ones for a week or two, that her school should be informed about a potential safeguarding issue?

As kids in the 50s and 60s, we wore a mixture of new and second hand clothing. Friends and aunties would pass bags of grown out of clothing between themselves. No-one thought anything of it.

We lived in a village 5 and 7 miles from the nearest towns for clothing and shoe shops. I can remember very occasionally wearing shoes that pinched for a week or two before we could get into town on a Saturday (on the bus, as we had no car) to be fitted for a new pair of Clarks shoes.

Is wearing underwear that is a little tight for a couple weeks really a red flag for raising a safeguarding issue with a child's school?

Gosh I’ve lost track of the number of times my DD and her friends have come/gone home from play dates in each other’s clothes, including pants. Less so now they’re 7/8 but certainly at age 4!

OP thank you for being a kind and thoughtful person, YANBU at all. One of the local charities I support did an appeal not long ago specifically for underwear, kids wearing too small/no underwear being a huge problem.

I just want to say OP how kind this is for you to do this. There are so many families struggling right now and many are really not able to have friends or extended family help them. It is really kind and a really wonderfully nice thing to do for this family that are trying to do their best.

This is a very lovely example of how small acts of kindness can make a huge impact on those who might be in a less than ideal place in their life.

You did the right thing and including other clothes too would not have singled out the knickers issue.

When my dds were little we went through a very bad financial patch and a friend gave me a bag of clothes her older DD had outgrown. It included knickers and socks etc. I was very grateful and had no issue using the underwear, it had all been washed and was perfectly fine. And very much appreciated at a time when money was very very tight.

And don't let visiting children remove their underwear in your home.

So you'd prefer to let a young child sit in wet or dirty pants until she was collected?

If I was the mum (or kid in question) I would be so so grateful. Sensitively handled and just plain lovely 😊

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth

I think 'in general' people feel ok about second hand childrens underwear, but I imagine most people would be fine with it, it's not the same as adults.

Anyway, her mum seems to be grateful for your help. 💐

@flymetothezoo

"DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4"

wearing

I think you are well intentioned but you would be wide open to allegations if you keep changing your story like this.

Just stay away from this child and her underwear. Report to agencies if you are concerned.

I see you posted the above, too.

There was no "change of story".

Why on earth should the OP "stay away from this child" and "report to agencies if [she is] concerned" in preference to a simple act of kindness towards her daughter's friend?

You're very thoughtful.

Times are really tough for lots of families.

Buying new might be a grey area.

I spoke to the mum at drop off this morning and she said that friend had mentioned she had told me her knickers were hurting her, she was embarrassed and said she was waiting for dad to get paid next week to buy new ones and really appreciated the gift of dd's old ones, i just said it was no problem and changed the subject. I popped to the shops straight after and bought DD some identical ones which ive cut the labels out of and put in her drawer so she will be unaware and not accidentally mention it to anyone causing any embarrassment to friend or parents.

I have a younger daughter too so a lot of DD's clothes get passed down to her, they are total opposites though with DD1 being ultra girly and DD2 being a complete tomboy so friend is passed all the girly things my DD2 refuses to wear, its interesting to read people saying they dont pass clothes on as in my circle of friends its very normal and i dont think twice about passing clothes along i just have never passed on or recieved underwear apart from as spares to preschool.

Mum was embarrassed friend had told me she wasnt embarrassed about being passed on clothes

You're a lovely Redon OP, we pass everything on to friends who have more than enough money to buy some and a few friends who have fallen on hard times. The kids were my DDs clothes gratefully and love it that they were their friends clothes. We have passed on clean underwear before and I often take in bags of school uniform, including pants and socks to the school and they distribute them to families who need them.

Just know that the little girl will feel lovely today going into school in pants which aren't cutting her in half and be able to play and concentrate whilst being comfortable thanks to your kindness.

We always used to hand clothes down - totally normal in my area. Three of the families we handed down to are considerably wealthier than us (kids in expensive schools, huge house, holiday home/ski chalet type wealthy). Clothes were always gratefully received and worn.

My DC have all grown up in a mix of new and hand-me-downs. It’s environmentally friendly, avoids waste and is generally a good thing for the children.

My DC are teens/young adult now and still pass on favourite hoodies etc to friends when they outgrow them.

This is so thoughtful OP. What a lovely gesture and so sensitively done ❤️

I'd throw a bag of preworn stuff together. TBH handmedowns are sought after where I am. Demonstrates your eco credentials :) I have twins with older siblings so we are on the recieving end of a few handmedown parcels. DT love having a good root through.

Lovely of you!

Its a lovely thing to do OP! In the street where i live there's 6 girls aged 1-10 years old. All good bits get passed along & we're in a 'naice' area. I haven't brought either of my DDs a winter coat the last two years as they've all been hand me downs from neighbours

As a person in her sixties who remembers my grandma begging my father for money for new underwear for me as a small child, I thank you on behalf of your daughter's friend.

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth

I spoke to the mum at drop off this morning and she said that friend had mentioned she had told me her knickers were hurting her, she was embarrassed and said she was waiting for dad to get paid next week to buy new ones and really appreciated the gift of dd's old ones, i just said it was no problem and changed the subject. I popped to the shops straight after and bought DD some identical ones which ive cut the labels out of and put in her drawer so she will be unaware and not accidentally mention it to anyone causing any embarrassment to friend or parents.

I have a younger daughter too so a lot of DD's clothes get passed down to her, they are total opposites though with DD1 being ultra girly and DD2 being a complete tomboy so friend is passed all the girly things my DD2 refuses to wear, its interesting to read people saying they dont pass clothes on as in my circle of friends its very normal and i dont think twice about passing clothes along i just have never passed on or recieved underwear apart from as spares to preschool.

We used to do it in the 1990s - slays for clothes from neighbours - including socks and pants etc, I even remember mum washing out plastic pants (for towelling nappies) to pass onto neighbours …. I have a pair of girls pyjamas that were button down the front - they were used by six other girls for various operations, so when it came to me getting my adenoids out I was given them to wear too (hospital always requested button down the front PJs for some reason) . I still have them in a box at my mum’s as their story seemed too special to put them in a charity shop !!

And I think you’ve done a wonderful thing, sorry I posted too soon!

You did the right thing, in the most non obvious way.

I've been through poverty when DC were little. I never asked for and struggled through. I would have been incredibly grateful if someone had noticed and helped like you did.

I pass on pretty much everything to a friend whose son is bit younger than mine.

Wouldn’t think twice about helping someone who was struggling and could afford undies. It’s a basic really and I know my kids have loads of pants and socks in their drawers.

In fact you’ve reminded me to ask the nursery if they need my younger son’s old but perfectly clean pants for spares.

I think you did really well all around, OP. Really kind of you.

Just to say that with people I know, things are passed around to anyone who wants them - sometimes people who might be in need, sometimes those who probably aren’t in need but are happy to give things a good home. I like to pass on stuff and always happy to receive things for the sake of the environment as much as anything else! I tend to give the kids’ coats to people I think might need them before I try people who are better off, but obviously in a subtle way - “oh I can’t bear to throw things away, you don’t mind taking it do you?”

We also have a uniform exchange at school

My Dd 13 is very dubious about anything that isn’t from a charity shop because they’re all so environmentally friendly among her mates!