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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's friend needing new underwear

137 replies

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:32

Putting this here for traffic as i need a quick reply.

DD age 4 made friends with a little girl the first day of reception and they have been firm friends ever since. This little girl comes from a family that are really struggling for money, her mum has confided in me about how hard they are finding things financially after she lost her Job during the first lockdown and various other reasons. We have invited this little girl over for tea several times, tonight being one of them, DD has just come to me and said friend has told her that her knickers are digging in and asked if its ok friend takes them off. Having spoken to friend it turns out her knickers are way to small and she has nasty red marks where they have dug in apparently mummy says they cant buy her new ones until daddy gets paid (I have no idea when this is)

Dad will be here to collect any time now on his way home from work, would i be unreasonable to put DD's knickers (new a week ago and clean) in to a bag and say she has outgrown them so would they be any use? I can go and buy DD some new ones tomorrow. Id happily buy this little girl new ones but i cant get to the shops until tomorrow and that would mean she would have to wear small ones that dig in again tomorrow. I am 99% certain mum and dad wouldnt be offended and if it was any other item of clothing i wouldnt think twice but is it really grim to gift used knickers even if they are fairly new and clean. Also i dont have cash in the house so i cant give cash and tell dad to stop at the shops on the way home.

YABU just buy her new ones tomorrow one more day in small ones wont hurt her.

YANBU gift her DD's old (new ones) so she can be comfortable

DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4, DD is in 5-6 so DD's would definitely fit her better.

OP posts:
echt · 01/12/2021 19:57

I think the mixed bag of clothes is a good way forward, and avoids the safeguarding issues.

I was given clothes by parents of a couple of friends when I was younger and my family was poor. They were always "she's grown out of them", and I was and am grateful for their tactful charity.

You're a good person, smilingthroughgrittedteeth

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:57

Your right it doesnt prove that they were the same size but from what i saw on her hip the ones she was wearing were digging in, that may very well be because she had pulled them up twisted rather than them being to small i wouldnt know since i didnt look but the fact she told me mummy said she would buy bigger ones when daddy gets paid makes me think they probably were. My aibu was based on whether passing on used knickers was acceptable like passing on outgrown trousers or whether it was a real no no.

OP posts:
MakingTheBestOfIt · 01/12/2021 19:59

You did a lovely thing OP. I’ll always remember my Mum giving my brother’s nearly-new shoes to his friend because they were “too small”. I was about to say that we only bought them a few weeks ago but she shot me a Look so I kept quiet.

Much later (as an adult) I reminded her of this and she said DB’s friend’s family had a long run of bad luck and DB would often ‘outgrow’ his nearly new clothes. I do hope they never realised she was doing it to help them out. She had nothing but respect for them as a family.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 01/12/2021 19:59

The OP CLEARLY just guessed that the age 3-4 pair in the bag were going to be the same size as what she was wearing.

Honestly can't a nice deed on Mumsnet ever be just that without people questioning!!

If it was a small top would anyone be questioning!?

Well done OP. Your little girls mom is very lucky to have a friend like you.

echt · 01/12/2021 19:59

@flymetothezoo

"DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4"

wearing

I think you are well intentioned but you would be wide open to allegations if you keep changing your story like this.

Just stay away from this child and her underwear. Report to agencies if you are concerned.

The OP has not changed her story. The 3-4 are the tiny knickers, the 5-6 worn by her same size DD.
Fridafever · 01/12/2021 19:59

At 4 of course you might need to see their underwear! DS’ friend wet himself on a play date here when he was nearly 6. What should I have done?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 01/12/2021 19:59

Little girls friends* mom

itsgettingwierd · 01/12/2021 20:00

You sound lovely.

I think people who've never been in that situation where it's a choice of bread and milk or a £1 pack of new pants just don't get it.

Those who do really appreciate the kindness and compassion of others (in most cases I know not everyone's the same).

I've been at both ends and I now try and help those in need having been the one grateful for any donations!

flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 20:00

@echt she has described the child as wearing size 3-4 knickers yet has also claimed that she hasn't looked at the child's knickers. That was my point. I've no idea what your point is.

flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 20:01

@Fridafever

At 4 of course you might need to see their underwear! DS’ friend wet himself on a play date here when he was nearly 6. What should I have done?
But the OP is swearing blind that she didn't see the child's underwear.
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 01/12/2021 20:02

You sound absolutely lovely OP and it's a shame there aren't more people as thoughtful as you

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2021 20:02

Not sure. If you do, please make it clothing generally, not just underwear, bit too obvious.

echt · 01/12/2021 20:03

[quote flymetothezoo]**@echt* she has described the child as wearing* size 3-4 knickers yet has also claimed that she hasn't looked at the child's knickers. That was my point. I've no idea what your point is.[/quote]
You didn't make that point in your post. Hence mine.

Paddingtonthebear · 01/12/2021 20:05

I would message her mum and say you are having a clear out and have some bits that might fit her DD, would she like them? I think she is likely to say yes, I’ve passed on clothes to friends before with younger kids and they are happy to have them and they have more money than we do! I would then buy some new pants and put them in a bag with anything else you have at home that might fit. I wouldn’t mention what her DD said.

echt · 01/12/2021 20:07

[quote flymetothezoo]**@echt* she has described the child as wearing* size 3-4 knickers yet has also claimed that she hasn't looked at the child's knickers. That was my point. I've no idea what your point is.[/quote]
She saw the size of knickers in the spares she brought with her.

She had a bag of spare clothes which i looked in and saw the spare ones were a 3-4

Terminallysleepdeprived · 01/12/2021 20:07

You did a lovely thing OP and I am sure the family appreciate it.

My dd has a friend who's family have also had a very rough tome through covid. I have done similar and passed on clothes that dd had outgrown and a few brand new ones that I "found" buried in the back of the wardrobe and have bought some cheap packs of pants from asda to pass on. I regularly clear out dd's bits as she grows faster than clothes wear out so it isn't unusual for there to be brand new items.

It doesn't hurt to be kind

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 20:09

flymetothezoo i didnt see the underwear she was wearing i have been very clear on that i saw a spare pair in a bag and a red mark on the childs hip, i am assuming the pair she was wearing are the same size as the pair in the bag but i obviously cant be 100% certain as i didnt look. Nothing inappropriate happened you just seem to be determined to make it sound like it did, im going to chose to believe you are just offering me advice from concern rather than that you are accusing me of anything and assure you that after many many years doing the job i do that i am always using good safeguarding practices when with other peoples children!

OP posts:
Lemonysherbet · 01/12/2021 20:16

Op you're a wonderful person

Pawprintpaper · 01/12/2021 20:24

Not sure what the issue is with second hand clean pants… we got through loads when potty training. Do people get upset with using a hotel towel, must have been near loads of strangers bottoms?

canyoutoleratethis · 01/12/2021 20:25

OP, ignore @flymetothezoo who is being some kind of mad pedant. You’ve done a lovely thing, and have done it carefully and respectfully, with real thought, and it makes me feel happy that there are people like you in the world!

NotMyDayJob · 01/12/2021 20:26

I have a four year old OP and this makes me want to cry. You are a lovely, kind person

georgarina · 01/12/2021 20:29

YANBU!!

I grew up neglected and this type of kindness would have been so so so appreciated by me.

Mum is unlikely to be offended, she will probably be grateful.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 01/12/2021 20:31

I think this was a thoughtful gesture. Another possibility with minimal risk of causing embarrassment - you could look out for 3 for 2/bogof type deals on girl's clothes and pass on something to DD's friend that way.

When my DS was that age, I'd get bags of old clothes, including underwear, given to me by a friend with a same age but slightly larger DS. It didn't make me feel like a charity case. I was just grateful to have the clothes.

georgarina · 01/12/2021 20:31

Just rtft. Well done OP! Nice thoughtful gesture.

Cellobear · 01/12/2021 20:33

My god what is the world coming too when people are giving the OP the 3rd degree about helping put a child in need. She clearly said multiple times that the child stayed in her uncomfortable undies OP was just trying to make sure the child was more comfortable tomorrow. I think it's incredibly kind and I would hope that most people would do the same thing (but reading some of these comments it's depressing).

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