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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's friend needing new underwear

137 replies

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:32

Putting this here for traffic as i need a quick reply.

DD age 4 made friends with a little girl the first day of reception and they have been firm friends ever since. This little girl comes from a family that are really struggling for money, her mum has confided in me about how hard they are finding things financially after she lost her Job during the first lockdown and various other reasons. We have invited this little girl over for tea several times, tonight being one of them, DD has just come to me and said friend has told her that her knickers are digging in and asked if its ok friend takes them off. Having spoken to friend it turns out her knickers are way to small and she has nasty red marks where they have dug in apparently mummy says they cant buy her new ones until daddy gets paid (I have no idea when this is)

Dad will be here to collect any time now on his way home from work, would i be unreasonable to put DD's knickers (new a week ago and clean) in to a bag and say she has outgrown them so would they be any use? I can go and buy DD some new ones tomorrow. Id happily buy this little girl new ones but i cant get to the shops until tomorrow and that would mean she would have to wear small ones that dig in again tomorrow. I am 99% certain mum and dad wouldnt be offended and if it was any other item of clothing i wouldnt think twice but is it really grim to gift used knickers even if they are fairly new and clean. Also i dont have cash in the house so i cant give cash and tell dad to stop at the shops on the way home.

YABU just buy her new ones tomorrow one more day in small ones wont hurt her.

YANBU gift her DD's old (new ones) so she can be comfortable

DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4, DD is in 5-6 so DD's would definitely fit her better.

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 01/12/2021 19:28

Or for her to see this thread re-published on some trashy news site.

flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 19:30

I keep returning to this thread as I used to be in a role that required a high degree of awareness of children's safeguarding.

I think it's a safeguarding issue if the child's underwear is hurting her and you should probably speak to the school if concerned. And don't let visiting children remove their underwear in your home.

I absolutely get that this is all coming from a good place but you sound very naive. This family's financial problems aren't for you to solve, you need to signpost them to agencies that can support them effectively.

Mandy63l · 01/12/2021 19:32

My DD is much older now, but there have been times in the past where we really struggled for money and gratefully accepted hand-me-downs from friends, yes including underwear.

When times have been better, it’s been a pleasure to return the favour and to pay it forward for others in that horrible boat.

Well done you and your DD, a little kindness goes a long way and I know won’t be quickly forgotten. Feel proud that you’re bringing your DD up with a little compassion. ❤️

SpiderinaWingMirror · 01/12/2021 19:33

Sounds to me you made a good judgement call and the mum/dad accepted it in the spirit it was intended.

Nomorepies · 01/12/2021 19:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

AliceMck · 01/12/2021 19:35

Well done op. I think if the mum has confided in you she obviously feels comfortable with you and I don’t think she’d be offended. I have a friend who’s always really struggling, her kids are like weeds, never stop growing. I get lots of hand me downs from my SIL whose dd is also like a weed, at 9yo she was giving me age 14 clothes. I automatically pass them on to my friend, she’s always so grateful. I don’t know anyone struggling financially who would turn away clothes for their DCs out of pride.

Mandy63l · 01/12/2021 19:35

I also get the caution from some quarters around safeguarding, but we’re talking about a little girl who is 4 years old and in some discomfort due to something that an adult who currently has responsibility for her can fix - surely not helping her to be more comfortable would be worse?

At 4, in reception, it’s not beyond the realms that she could have an accident, for instance. What then, would it still be inappropriate to allow her to change her underwear? Would leaving her uncomfortable in soiled clothing be preferable to offering her something to change into so she’s not in discomfort?

bevelino · 01/12/2021 19:37

I am sure OP means well but if I were the mother of the friend and read this thread I would not be happy that OP was discussing this on the internet.

sjxoxo · 01/12/2021 19:38

Yes a bag of mixed bits that you no longer need is a nice idea and leaves the ball in their court to use or not xo

Clymene · 01/12/2021 19:39

@bevelino

I am sure OP means well but if I were the mother of the friend and read this thread I would not be happy that OP was discussing this on the internet.
Who is going to know it's her?

Sadly there are millions of kids living in poverty in the U.K.

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:40

@flymetothezoo

I keep returning to this thread as I used to be in a role that required a high degree of awareness of children's safeguarding.

I think it's a safeguarding issue if the child's underwear is hurting her and you should probably speak to the school if concerned. And don't let visiting children remove their underwear in your home.

I absolutely get that this is all coming from a good place but you sound very naive. This family's financial problems aren't for you to solve, you need to signpost them to agencies that can support them effectively.

Safeguarding is a big part of my job so i assure you im not naive neither am i trying to solve this families problems. Ive passed clothes on in the past to them the same way i pass on my sons clothes to a friend who has a son a year younger and the same way people have passed clothes on to me. DD loves having the friend round for tea so we invite her often not because im concerned she isnt being fed but because we like having her, i send leftovers home with her if we have any but i also do that with my friends who have much more money than we do.

I dont have ANY concerns about the care this little girl gets and i know that school is already aware of the difficulties this family are having probably more so than i am so im sure they have signposted them to organisations that can help.

The child didnt remove her underwear neither did i look at the underwear she was wearing i saw a small part of her hip as she lowered the side of her trouser slightly and i saw the size in a spare pair in her bag when putting a bracelet in there that she had made with DD.

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 01/12/2021 19:40

You're a good friend OP. I did similar recently. DS has a best friend whose family really struggle (not helped by dad leaving a year ago to live with another woman 25 years his junior and mum left with 5 kids). She had a sleepover and left her little pants in the bathroom- they were so terribly threadbare and far too small. I bought pants the next day along with school tshirts from the supermarket and said my brother in law (blame a man!Grin)had bought the wrong size in error then forgot about them until the receipt was out of date. Mum was very grateful.

We all need to try and show a little kindness where we can.

Mandy63l · 01/12/2021 19:42

@bevelino

I am sure OP means well but if I were the mother of the friend and read this thread I would not be happy that OP was discussing this on the internet.
If I was the mother of the friend, stumbled across this thread and made the connection, I think I’d be genuinely touched that my DD’s friends mum had gone to so much trouble to try and spare my feelings and not offend me, whilst at the same time cares so much for my DD.

Honestly this shows the OP and her DD in such a good light. I’d be making an effort to become more friendly with her, because she’s clearly a lovely person with a very kind heart.

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:43

@ftw163532

Or for her to see this thread re-published on some trashy news site.
Thats a good point im happy for the thread to be removed although i know the mum isnt on here as we have discussed MN before and she said the couple of times she looked on here she found it a bit to scary so she hasnt been back 🤣
OP posts:
flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 19:43

@Mandy63l

I also get the caution from some quarters around safeguarding, but we’re talking about a little girl who is 4 years old and in some discomfort due to something that an adult who currently has responsibility for her can fix - surely not helping her to be more comfortable would be worse?

At 4, in reception, it’s not beyond the realms that she could have an accident, for instance. What then, would it still be inappropriate to allow her to change her underwear? Would leaving her uncomfortable in soiled clothing be preferable to offering her something to change into so she’s not in discomfort?

The people in the situations you hypothetically describe would have been subject to Safer Recruitment practices which - although not infallible - provide some form of protection to the child in question.

I am just trying to explain to the OP that her actions, which sound well-meaning, could easily be seen in a different light.

OP recognises the child is vulnerable, invites her round weekly, next thing the child's underwear has been removed - was it returned to the parent, btw? Because if not it could look as though you've disposed of it which is a red flag in itself.

There are agencies that can help, the school for one, in a safe and boundaried way.

This approach puts OP at risk.

JessicaPipsqueak · 01/12/2021 19:45

I think I'd have slight concerns over a parent putting a child in underwear small enough to be A leaving red welts and B hurting the child. I get that times may be very hard indeed but a 5 pack of knickers from any supermarket / Primark is a couple of pounds.

And I'm sure you'll now say that this family don't have a single penny but underwear that's not cutting in is a basic requirement so I'd argue that the parents weren't meeting the basic needs of the child right now

However I'd have done what you have. I'd have put in enough pants to cover a week and any other bits and pieces and said I was charity shopping these bits but thought they may like to have a look and keep what they want and feel free to pass anything not wanted on. Something like that

Mandy63l · 01/12/2021 19:47

Sorry I think you misunderstood - I meant that, at that age, the child could have had an accident whilst in the care of the OP, and needed to change as a result. She may have undergone safer recruitment practices in her employment, who knows, but as the adult with responsibility for the friend at that time, would it not be most appropriate to do what’s possible to make the little girl comfortable, even if that involves offering a change of underwear, whether that’s because they’re too small, because of a fault with them, because they’d been soiled or whatever else?

BiscuitLover3679 · 01/12/2021 19:49

I'd be honest. So and so her knickers were digging in. Here are some others. No harm done.

Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:49

I just want to be very clear again that no underwear was removed she went home in the knickers she was wearing

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/12/2021 19:51

@JessicaPipsqueak

I think I'd have slight concerns over a parent putting a child in underwear small enough to be A leaving red welts and B hurting the child. I get that times may be very hard indeed but a 5 pack of knickers from any supermarket / Primark is a couple of pounds.

And I'm sure you'll now say that this family don't have a single penny but underwear that's not cutting in is a basic requirement so I'd argue that the parents weren't meeting the basic needs of the child right now

However I'd have done what you have. I'd have put in enough pants to cover a week and any other bits and pieces and said I was charity shopping these bits but thought they may like to have a look and keep what they want and feel free to pass anything not wanted on. Something like that

This really isn't neglect.

When you're living in poverty, every 'couple of pounds' is difficult. If you have to choose between giving your children dinner or leaving them in pants that are a bit tight, you're going to feed them.

HikingforScenery · 01/12/2021 19:51

I wouldn’t give her your daughter’s used knickers.

flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 19:53

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth

I just want to be very clear again that no underwear was removed she went home in the knickers she was wearing
Yes, you claimed that was the case later on after you posted the OP.

You also claimed that you KNOW the ones she were wearing were age 3-4 because the spares in her bag were that size. That doesn't prove the ones she was wearing were age 3-4 at all.

crazymare20 · 01/12/2021 19:55

My daughters best friends mother is vulnerable and never has much money. I always buy her daughter clothes and offer them to mum saying I’ve ordered online for mine and don’t fit and now missed time to send them back. I’m sure she’s realised now that it isn’t the case with the amount I’ve given her over the past few years but she is always great full and I would hate to think she has to go with out as me and my family are very fond of her.

Hairyfairy01 · 01/12/2021 19:55

I have received used knickers for my DD (in good condition) along with other clothing before. Times were hard at the time, I was very grateful and not offended at all.

flymetothezoo · 01/12/2021 19:55

"DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4"

wearing

I think you are well intentioned but you would be wide open to allegations if you keep changing your story like this.

Just stay away from this child and her underwear. Report to agencies if you are concerned.