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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's friend needing new underwear

137 replies

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 18:32

Putting this here for traffic as i need a quick reply.

DD age 4 made friends with a little girl the first day of reception and they have been firm friends ever since. This little girl comes from a family that are really struggling for money, her mum has confided in me about how hard they are finding things financially after she lost her Job during the first lockdown and various other reasons. We have invited this little girl over for tea several times, tonight being one of them, DD has just come to me and said friend has told her that her knickers are digging in and asked if its ok friend takes them off. Having spoken to friend it turns out her knickers are way to small and she has nasty red marks where they have dug in apparently mummy says they cant buy her new ones until daddy gets paid (I have no idea when this is)

Dad will be here to collect any time now on his way home from work, would i be unreasonable to put DD's knickers (new a week ago and clean) in to a bag and say she has outgrown them so would they be any use? I can go and buy DD some new ones tomorrow. Id happily buy this little girl new ones but i cant get to the shops until tomorrow and that would mean she would have to wear small ones that dig in again tomorrow. I am 99% certain mum and dad wouldnt be offended and if it was any other item of clothing i wouldnt think twice but is it really grim to gift used knickers even if they are fairly new and clean. Also i dont have cash in the house so i cant give cash and tell dad to stop at the shops on the way home.

YABU just buy her new ones tomorrow one more day in small ones wont hurt her.

YANBU gift her DD's old (new ones) so she can be comfortable

DD is the same size as her and friend is wearing size 3-4, DD is in 5-6 so DD's would definitely fit her better.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 01/12/2021 19:00

Do it, kindness never hurts

Bagelsandbrie · 01/12/2021 19:01

You’re a lovely person op. It’s good to be kind ❤️💐

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 01/12/2021 19:02

God love you and your daughter for being so kind. poor people to be in this situation.

Iamanicepersonreally · 01/12/2021 19:03

Do it. My knickers were too small when I was a kid and it’s so bloody uncomfortable. Agree with putting a few other bits in as well.

You’ve said the girls are the same size, so saying your dad has outgrown them sounds a bit odd.

blameless · 01/12/2021 19:04

@smilingthroughgrittedteeth

Thank you so much for doing this. In my last year of school, my friend would never take his blazer off. Years later, we found out that he and his family were trying to cope with his mum at home who had early onset dementia. He only had one shirt that fitted, it went on each Monday and had to last the week. If we'd known, my mum would have bought him half a dozen, but we didn't. You're a star.

MrsFoxyplease · 01/12/2021 19:04

@Nanalisa60

I would just tell her to pop on a pair of your daughters, then pop a few more bits in a bag. I would also drop of a parcel at Christmas with some new pants vest socks and maybe some pjs. Also tell the mum that this should go under the tree from Santa. You don’t want her to feel pressure to give your daughter a present. Also are local charity’s or local radio in your area helping with Christmas presents, maybe you could put the family name forward for a bit of help. You daughter and you sound very kind.
I'd be so offended at this.
CaptainMyCaptain · 01/12/2021 19:05

@Pommes

Could you pop in a T-shirt or something too, OP, to make it look less obvious that you know there's a particular issue?

You and your daughter sound very kind.

Good idea.
Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:07

@DobbyTheChristmasHouseElf

I agree with pp about swapping knickers for new ones. Yy to any other clothes esp warm ones for this time of year. Do you have spare hot water bottle, gloves or hat etc that might do the job? They might not be turning heating on etc.To be honest it's not YOUR responsibility to do this of course but if we all thought like that then the world would be even colder and sadder than it already is for some. You are kind and being a great role model to your DD.
DD has bought friend a hot water bottle with a cat cover and a scarf, hat and glove set for christmas. I have already told friends mum that if she wants to gift DD something in return then she would like a pebble decorated by friend to add to her collection ( she has loads shes found and loves them) but that it isnt necessary.

We try and have friend for tea once a week and i send left overs home with her. They are a lovely family who have had some really bad luck i try to walk the line of helping but not offending. We arent exactly well off ourselves but have been where they are so i try to help where i can.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/12/2021 19:07

I certainly wouldn't mention about the knickers digging in. I would keep out of it tbh.

FusionChefGeoff · 01/12/2021 19:08

@Maflingo

Could she spill some juice that meant she needed to borrow some dry clothes that your DD happens to have grown out of?
This is an excellent idea although I'm probably a bit late
Original poster
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 01/12/2021 19:09

@Iamanicepersonreally

Do it. My knickers were too small when I was a kid and it’s so bloody uncomfortable. Agree with putting a few other bits in as well. You’ve said the girls are the same size, so saying your dad has outgrown them sounds a bit odd.
Id say her daughter is a 4-5 and mine has just gone in to a 5-6 so the pjs have been outgrown and thankfully DD hates the label in knickers so i have to cut them out when i buy them
OP posts:
Mammma91 · 01/12/2021 19:09

Op you sound absolutely wonderful Flowers. I hope your daughter grows to be just like you. Thats so kind of you!

Whywonttheyhelpme · 01/12/2021 19:11

Just say to parents, casually on pick up, she was complaining that her pants were “uncomfortable” (no need to suggest they were too small). You’ve got a new pack that you washed before realising the wrong size so you’ve given them to DD friend and you hope they don’t mind!

Make it totally casual and I guarantee they will appreciate it. Make it seem like they are accepting charity or not capable of providing their DC with necessities then they will be embarrassed.

godmum56 · 01/12/2021 19:17

what a lovely person you are OP

Maverickess · 01/12/2021 19:17

You're a lovely person OP, little bits of kindness like this go a long way, I felt shame when I was in this situation which if I'd spoken of it probably would have made me seem ungrateful, it wasn't that and I was and still am so grateful for the things like this that people did for my DD, and I was careful to express my gratitude rather than my shame.

This situation is a tricky one given it's to do with underwear but I think you've handled it perfectly and helped without being patronising or over stepping.

wavingwhilstdrowning · 01/12/2021 19:17

Dm once deliberately dropped a yogurt on a girl who came to our house for tea. So she had to change into one of my school summer dresses then we all agreed yellow looked horrible on me and so nice on her. I am still friends with the girl. It's a lovely thing to do.

Rugsofhonour · 01/12/2021 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Clymene · 01/12/2021 19:19

That's really kind of you and I think you've handled it really well

butterpuffed · 01/12/2021 19:22

You're a lovely, compassionate friend @smilingthroughgrittedteeth

ftw163532 · 01/12/2021 19:24

You do realise that if this child's mum uses mumsnet you've posted enough detail for her to recognise her family?

Your dilemma has been resolved, I'd ask for the thread to be deleted before it causes upset.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 19:24

You're bloody lovely OP!

WTF475878237NC · 01/12/2021 19:25

Really lovely of you and I'd have appreciated that when I was struggling.

LettertoHermoine · 01/12/2021 19:25

Good on ya OP. Fair play x

Almostmenopausal · 01/12/2021 19:26

@DobbyTheChristmasHouseElf Might not be turning the heating on?!?! Wtf?!
Just because her mum said they'd need to wait until payday to buy them (presumably they simply got overlooked) does NOT translate to them being 'unable to heat their home!' 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Whilst my DD has never 'had' to wear underwear too small for her, there has been 2 occasions over the years when she's found an old pair at the back of her underwear drawer & put them on in a rush, only to be hurting her by the end of the day - we do not live in poverty! Just not 100% perfect! Sometimes a stray pair of smaller sized knickers get left in her drawer! 🤣

If DD suddenly needed something about a week before payday then at that point, she'd need to wait until payday to purchase as the bills had been paid and at that point the rest of my money is transferred to savings 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't do credit! I carry minimal cash. Plus, when I buy DD underwear I spend about £20-30+ to buy plenty of good quality ones that last.

The judgement & stereotyping on this thread is deplorable

Almostmenopausal · 01/12/2021 19:28

found an old pair at the back of her underwear drawer & put them on in a rush

Without my knowledge until after, before this gets twisted