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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed by my friends comment tonight...

311 replies

Tomato345 · 30/11/2021 23:10

My best friend of 11 years and I occasionally have our disagreements but I love her like a sister, however a comment she made tonight has really pissed me off and has made her look like a snob imo.

We were with our kids, talking about different careers as we've both recently changed jobs, when her eldest son announced that he wanted to be a bin man when he's older. Friend turned to him and said "aim a little higher please" and started laughing. I made a comment about how bin men earn a pretty decent wage (in our area at least) and that the perks of working for the council, such as weekends off/decent pension etc are good. She was adamant that it's a shit job and that the only reason someone would do it is if they didn't have any qualifications. It certainly came across that she would be embarrassed if her son ever becomes one.

Her reaction was the same last year when her partner showed an interest in becoming a HGV driver, so it's not the first time this has happened. I'm not sure why it's got my back up, maybe because I use to be a delivery driver and now I work for a cleaning company, so I'm wondering what she thinks of me as I would say those types of jobs are linked. We both only want the best for our kids at the end of the day, but what's wrong with it if it makes someone happy and provides them a living? Perhaps I could understand her point if she was earning mega bucks herself, but she earns minimum wage, which is actually less than what a bin man earns...

A job is a job in my eyes, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive or not. After all, we're all allowed to have an opinion... so AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 00:55

I wouldn't call laughing at a child encouraging them though @Almostmenopausal, would you?

Clearly I don't feel the same way as my friend, hence the thread...

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 01/12/2021 00:57

@Tomato345
Yes, we got our wee moment of recognition at the beginning of the pandemic. It was bloody hard working through that but, in a strange sort of a way, it felt quite novel to be recognised and valued as "crucial keyworkers".

Never mind, obviously recognition isn't our motivation for doing the job, so we carry on. I'm not complaining, I love it, and it's a privilege to be part of these elderly people's lives.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 00:57

@Tomato345

I don't think it's about him having choices though *@WorraLiberty*. He's a clever kid and I'm sure he'll do well in the future but If he had the opportunity to be a solicitor or a bin man and chose the latter, I get the feeling she wouldn't be happy, even if he was...
But that's just a 'feeling', it doesn't mean you're right does it?

Being a clever 8 year old means very little if the adults in his life don't have particularly high expectations.

Encouragement is a good thing and opening children up to the idea of gaining as much as they can from a free education, isn't a bad thing either.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 01/12/2021 00:59

Honestly?

It’s middle class privileged people who I find take umbrage at these comments. When you’ve been in the gutter, you are more honest about what it’s like!

Being a bin man isn’t the worst job. I’ve done several jobs worse paid. Cleaning public toilets was one. Bleurgh. Envy

But if my son said he wanted to be a bin man I’d definitely encourage him to aim higher. But if he did become a bin man, I’d be as proud of him as I would anything else because of course, being a decent person trumps everything.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 01:00

Yeah if she really did laugh then that's obviously not good but perhaps he took her by surprise? Kids do say things that make us laugh.

If she's still laughing when he's older and doing his A levels that would be completely different.

But let's remember he's 8 right now.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 01:01

But if my son said he wanted to be a bin man I’d definitely encourage him to aim higher. But if he did become a bin man, I’d be as proud of him as I would anything else because of course, being a decent person trumps everything.

Absolutely, and so does having a good work ethic.

Aim higher while your education is free and then make whatever choices you want with the results.

Original poster
Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 01:05

I really wish you wouldn't twist my words @WorraLiberty and insinuate that I'm not confident or happy with my life choices. It's extremely frustrating. I really enjoy my job and the people I work with are lovely and very supportive.

After her comments, I do wonder what she thinks of my job , given that it's similar to a bin man/delivery driver. If she does look down on me, then she has no reason to as we both earn a similar wage. The only difference is that her job title sounds more important than mine I would say...

OP posts:
PivotPivotPivottt · 01/12/2021 01:06

Yeah reading again and seeing that she was laughing does come across as extremely snobby. I don't want my children to do the same job as me because I personally don't enjoy it and I find it hard physically. However if that's what they choose to do and they enjoy it then fair enough. I hope they don't, I hope they take the opposite path to me and go to university etc and I will encourage them as much as I can but I will never be ashamed if they choose not to.

DaisyNGO · 01/12/2021 01:10

[quote Tomato345]@MrsSkylerWhite admittedly it's not the best job for someone in their 60's as it's physically demanding but in general, I don't know what's wrong with it if the person is happy and earns enough to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

It is definitely a job that is looked down upon by people, but funnily enough the world would crumble without bin collectors. Same with care workers, shop workers etc [/quote]
I'm with you OP.

Sounds like she's a job snob generally.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/12/2021 01:13

I was a child in the 60s; the Profumo scandal in the news a lot - but not in an overly explicit way.
I thought that being a call girl, whose job seemed to be wearing nice dresses and going to lots of parties, sounded lovely. Hmm

Original poster
Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 01:16

It's not just with her kids though @WorraLiberty - Her partner is a car valeter earning minimum wage. Last year he showed an interest in becoming a HGV driver and her reaction was the exact same, even though the salary is much better... I don't know what job is good enough or what she'd be happy with...

OP posts:
Dancingonmoonlight · 01/12/2021 01:17

@Tomato345

I really wish you wouldn't twist my words *@WorraLiberty* and insinuate that I'm not confident or happy with my life choices. It's extremely frustrating. I really enjoy my job and the people I work with are lovely and very supportive.

After her comments, I do wonder what she thinks of my job , given that it's similar to a bin man/delivery driver. If she does look down on me, then she has no reason to as we both earn a similar wage. The only difference is that her job title sounds more important than mine I would say...

She probably doesn't envy you your job. That doesn't mean that she looks down on you. It means that she wouldn't want to swap places with you. Thats fair enough though surely? Tbh it sounds as if YOU are the one with the chip on your shoulder OP.
Almostmenopausal · 01/12/2021 01:18

Oh come on OP, aren’t you virtue signalling here, just a little???

I know for a fact I would’ve been a lot more successful in life than I am now, if I’d had just had that encouragement from my parents.

You may not have said the same as your friend, but you’d have been thinking it and you know very well you would!

Original poster
Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 01:22

I'm pretty sure that you've already posted this comment @Almostmenopausal and I responded to you 🤔 could be wrong but I'm sure I've already read that lol...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 01:26

Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to respond and voice your opinions. It's interesting to see the other side and how some of you would have reacted to the situation. As I said, it will all be forgotten about in the morning (we piss each other off all the time but still love/care about her, that will never change) Smile

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 01/12/2021 01:40

I never understand what office workers do tbh would bore me to death. Rubbish collecters are essential workers. This country has weird snobbery around what is essential and what isn't. Especially given that education is devalued since they've made the grading system look like everyone is cleverer when I think that overall we aren't. Things like phones remembering numbers and devices to make you remember things in general along with a much shorter attention span and small children having a lack of strength in their hands etc. At least emptying bins is a needed job unlike cold callers ....

nettie434 · 01/12/2021 01:53

@Tomato345

She also knocked her partner back when he said he wanted to be a HGV driver and postman, so it's not just bin collectors that she disapproves of 🤷🏼‍♀️
So she's not really a great judge of which careers pay what sort of wages is she, at least in terms of HGV drivers?

Her son probably likes the idea of driving a large lorry and making a lot of noise. It comes across as completely over reacting to a child's idea of what work involves.

MinnieJackson · 01/12/2021 02:48

If my kid wants to be a bin man, he covers his bills and, most importantly he's HAPPY then bloody crack on. This is like the thread recently were parents were telling their children 'this is why we stay in school' infront of waiting staff and shop workers.

MinnieJackson · 01/12/2021 02:53

@Almostmenopausal what kind of encouragement? Just genuinely asking, was there a particular job you always wanted and were discouraged from?

timeisnotaline · 01/12/2021 02:59

They need this www.hellobabydirect.com/au/wow-toys-flip-n-tip-fred?gclid=Cj0KCQiAtJeNBhCVARIsANJUJ2GpcRxBuN2vLovabtCF2xvlfeWySdtowNdYcIXoklw3gt04RLG-HXwaAiH7EALw_wcB
We have it and it’s a great toy GrinGrin
If they were actually job and career choosing age I would share some concerns about the longevity of a physical career and how they will probably need other options or a plan to get out of the physical stuff to still be earning money at 60. Plus I’m so grateful for not having a physical job every pregnancy. So that would be a factor, for any physical job including pro footballer. For now mine pretty much want to be /seem to think they are lions, wildebeest, deer, bunnies etc, and I think I’m supportive but I only allow little boys to sit at the table for meals, none of those wild animals.

LucentBlade · 01/12/2021 03:31

Apparently pay scale is between 17k and 25k so top of the range is below 31k which is UK national average.

It’s a needed job but not highly paid, it all depends on what you materially want in life.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2021 03:49

My ex's mother used to tell all of her children that if they fucked up their education and didn't excel in business,medicine, engineering etc they would end up a bin man with a miserable existence and never have anything.

She and her husband (who was chronically depressed) had very professional jobs but a loveless marriage and eventually broke up after almost 30 years. She had to move and quit her job,lost her fancy company car etc.

One of her children sadly ended their life because they were pressured into following a career they didn't want and was called an embarrassment.

Eldest child doesn't speak to the mum for similar reasons, the family is in a sorry state.

My current partners dad was a bin man(he now drives the little sweeper vehicles that clean and salt the roads) he has job security with a great pension and will be retiring early.
They have a wonderful life, always have had.
A stunning home they built themselves on the most beautiful plot of land, a really close family and total respect for one another.

They also have about 5 cars 🤣 Now that doesn't really matter at all but the point is, ex's mum, like many, picture people with those types of jobs as being miserable and always struggling but in actual fact, the bin mans family had/has much more, in every area of life.

It means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your job is not your worth.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2021 03:50

I should add though, that wasnt in the UK but in mainland Europe.

daisychain01 · 01/12/2021 04:31

@Tomato345

She also knocked her partner back when he said he wanted to be a HGV driver and postman, so it's not just bin collectors that she disapproves of 🤷🏼‍♀️
She sounds a bit "black and white" and fixed in her views and attitudes, but if she's a friend, then you'll have to accept she is entitled to her opinion and expectations of her offspring, and it's about having the emotional intelligence not to forensically analyse ever opinion she chooses to share with you and get disappointed if it doesn't align 100% with how you feel.

Maybe break it to her that HGV drivers are highly skilled and sought after at the moment! It may not make any difference to her fixed views about jobs, but she'd possibly concede that at least.

Unsure1983 · 01/12/2021 04:38

If my child wanted that I would support them 100%, even after sending them to an expensive school. Of course we would speak about all jobs under the sun but I don't think it is inferior to any other job. It is all about the person's happiness. We encourage them to dream and do whatever they want to do but at the end of the day the choice is theirs.

"Better a happy street sweeper than a neurotic prime minister" - A.S. Neill