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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed by my friends comment tonight...

311 replies

Tomato345 · 30/11/2021 23:10

My best friend of 11 years and I occasionally have our disagreements but I love her like a sister, however a comment she made tonight has really pissed me off and has made her look like a snob imo.

We were with our kids, talking about different careers as we've both recently changed jobs, when her eldest son announced that he wanted to be a bin man when he's older. Friend turned to him and said "aim a little higher please" and started laughing. I made a comment about how bin men earn a pretty decent wage (in our area at least) and that the perks of working for the council, such as weekends off/decent pension etc are good. She was adamant that it's a shit job and that the only reason someone would do it is if they didn't have any qualifications. It certainly came across that she would be embarrassed if her son ever becomes one.

Her reaction was the same last year when her partner showed an interest in becoming a HGV driver, so it's not the first time this has happened. I'm not sure why it's got my back up, maybe because I use to be a delivery driver and now I work for a cleaning company, so I'm wondering what she thinks of me as I would say those types of jobs are linked. We both only want the best for our kids at the end of the day, but what's wrong with it if it makes someone happy and provides them a living? Perhaps I could understand her point if she was earning mega bucks herself, but she earns minimum wage, which is actually less than what a bin man earns...

A job is a job in my eyes, but I'm not sure if I'm being sensitive or not. After all, we're all allowed to have an opinion... so AIBU?

OP posts:

FliesAreMad · 01/12/2021 00:12

Are you looking for reasons to think less of her? Because it does sound like you are. If the friendship has run its course and you’ve had enough of her that’s okay, but don’t put the fault on her because she doesn’t want her kid in an entry level job with few prospects. It’s all very good and well to nobly say you’d be happy with whatever your kid does as long as they are happy but a minimum wage job with few prospects that’s looked down upon by society in general - come on, she’s hardly being a snob to want more than that for her kid. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does give you options and being a bin man is hardly the usual path to financial and social happiness.

Original poster

Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 00:12

What a great story and I hope he enjoys his new home @worriedatthemoment

Yes I believe some do enjoy it @worriedatthemoment (previous poster has said her brother is one and is happy)

OP posts:

Original poster

Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 00:14

Absolutely not @FliesAreMad - it will all be forgotten about tomorrow. We annoy each other all the time (completely different personalities) but I still love her. Bin men are paid more than minimum wage though, by the way.

OP posts:

Winniemarysarah · 01/12/2021 00:17

Oh what a load of bollocks. My best mates a refuse collector and his wife’s a nurse. He finishes in time to pick their daughter up from school and he takes care of her every evening/night and weekends while his wife works. He’s on better pay than her, works less hours, enjoys his job far more and gets to spend every day with their little girl who barely sees her mum. I know which I’d rather do

Username91 · 01/12/2021 00:18

I agree with you OP but I’m really not surprised at the responses on here. I love mumsnet but it can definitely be a bit snobby on here.

I honestly think other posters are missing the point. You may have lofty aspirations for your child and that’s fab but openly laughing and saying ‘aim higher’ is just teaching that it’s acceptable to mock somebody for their job if it’s not something deemed to be high achieving.

I’d much rather my child be a bin man or a cleaner than a judgemental bellend.

Hawkins001 · 01/12/2021 00:18

I would say try to aim high, but then if for x reasons, that's the only position, then it's still putting food on the table so to speak.

Hawkins001 · 01/12/2021 00:21

I guess the same could be said about what I do, it's for a great cause but I can imagine, why have a degree and you just do x, and for me, it's, first a great cause, then it's mostly freedom when carrying out my roles, it's good exercising, and quite a lot of traveling to different areas and see various scenery ect.

Marianne1234 · 01/12/2021 00:24

Who can take your trash out?
Stomp it down for you
Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy, too
The garbage man!

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 00:28

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a binman if that's what he chooses to do when he's an adult.

But there's plenty wrong with it if it turns out that's all he's capable of doing, due to the fact he never aimed higher during his school career.

I think that's all she's saying and I make her right.

He'll have a far happier life if he affords himself more choices and if one of those choices is to be a binman, that's great because we obviously need them.

Phoenix76 · 01/12/2021 00:28

I’ve said to both my dds (5&8), I really don’t care what they end up doing for work as long as they’re happy (they bring it up btw not me). What I have said though is they need to work hard at school so they have options, it’s about choice. I’d genuinely be happy for them if they got a degree but decided that they’d be much happier doing a MW job. The tricky thing is that although essentially you may be right about it being an aspiration, vocalising options in front of the child on this matter with their parents present probably wasn’t a good idea (and unless it’s a safeguarding issue or life & death that applies to anything). At the moment my two want to be a palaeontologist and a vet but I know that could change rapidly and honestly their happiness is my priority.

zoemum2006 · 01/12/2021 00:29

I always say ‘it’s one of the first jobs we’d notice people not doing when we’re wading through rat and disease, so I’m very grateful for bin men”.

However, it’s a tough, hard job and I’d want an easier life for my kids.

Saz12 · 01/12/2021 00:31

When I was little, I wanted to be an artist, a barmaid, a lumberjack, a vet, a tapestry-restorer, a joiner, a hairdresser, and PM. Probably other stuff too.
Your friend is being ridiculous in thinking “I want to be a bun man!!” deserves anything more than “ooh, that’s nice, what colour lorry will you have?”

NataliaSerene · 01/12/2021 00:32

I really don't enjoy listening to people judge other people. It just brings me down*. So for that reason, I would have been annoyed, too. But I wouldn't say anything in your position and I would probably feel the same way she does in hers.

I am probably a complete hypocrite as surely I do my share of judging others.

JockTamsonsBairns · 01/12/2021 00:39

I'm a care worker. I absolutely adore my job, which I've done now for 26 years. I get enormous job satisfaction, I love making a tangible difference to the elderly people I look after and, even if I do say so myself, I consider myself to be very good at my job.

I have 3 DC's. If any one of them said they wanted to be a carer, I'd steer them away from it. Not because I'd be ashamed in any way, because I'm not. But, the pay is shockingly poor, the workload is gruelling, and the conditions of the job take their toll.
I'll be 49 next year. My hips are fucked, as is my back. I work approx 60 hours a week between 6.30am and 10.30pm and, for that, I earn around £1600. The only reason I have a decent standard of living is because of having a DH who earns well (and all MNers know how risky that set up is!).
I'm too old now to consider a career change, and I probably wouldn't want one anyway.

But I want my DC's to follow a career path (whether that involves going to university or not), I want them to have knowledge, to specialise, and to feel valued in their chosen fields. I want my daughter in particular to earn sufficient to be independent, and to have choices.

They won't get any of that in care work.

Carpetsareforflying · 01/12/2021 00:39

My kids want to work at mcds. Dread to think how that would Go down 😂

Cameleongirl · 01/12/2021 00:42

I remember hearing an interview with Bob Mortimer when he was asked what his favourite job had been - he instantly answered "binman."

Apparently, he worked as a binman before deciding to become a solicitor. He loved it, and hated being a solicitor!

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2021 00:44

Missed a trick with the HGV training, they are coining it! I bet she would change her mind if her DP floated that idea now.

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 00:49

@Cameleongirl

I remember hearing an interview with Bob Mortimer when he was asked what his favourite job had been - he instantly answered "binman."

Apparently, he worked as a binman before deciding to become a solicitor. He loved it, and hated being a solicitor!

Yes but at least he had the choice.

I think that's all the OP's friend was getting at.

Original poster

Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 00:49

My mum is a care worker (late 50's) and has been for the last 30 years so I completely understand where you're coming from @JockTamsonsBairns - it's a bloody hard job and the pay does not reflect the responsibilities that you have. It's another profession that has been looked down on by many for years but through covid everyone praised care workers 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Almostmenopausal · 01/12/2021 00:50

Oh come on OP, aren’t you virtue signalling here, just a little???

I know for a fact I would’ve been a lot more successful in life than I am now, if I’d had just had that encouragement from my parents.

You may not have said the same as your friend, but you’d have been thinking it and you know very well you would!

PivotPivotPivottt · 01/12/2021 00:52

I can see both sides here. You know her so you will know better if she meant it in a snobby way or a factual way. I'm a cleaner and sometimes when I'm scrubbing shite off of someone's toilet I think to myself I hope to God my children don't end up like me. I left school at 16 and it's one of my biggest regrets that I didn't try and make something of myself. The lady I'm employed by though makes good money running her cleaning business. I don't think it's something to be looked down on but it's not what I wish to be doing (the physical side of it and the grossness).

Original poster

Tomato345 · 01/12/2021 00:52

I don't think it's about him having choices though @WorraLiberty. He's a clever kid and I'm sure he'll do well in the future but If he had the opportunity to be a solicitor or a bin man and chose the latter, I get the feeling she wouldn't be happy, even if he was...

OP posts:

Westerman · 01/12/2021 00:53

You're absolutely right, OP. Your friend was being an utter snob, as are a lot of the people replying on this thread.

DontBeCatty · 01/12/2021 00:54

I dunno, a bin man is a pretty trashy job

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2021 00:55

This has obviously stung you quite badly OP

What's it really about? Is it because you're worried she's looking down on you and your job?

If so, perhaps working on your confidence will help. If you're doing a job you love, rather than one you're lumbered with because your parents weren't particularly encouraging (or for any other reason) then that's great - just ignore her.

But there's nothing wrong with her teaching her DC to aspire to be more so that he has more choices in life.

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