DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

Thanks all. Taken another turn today as he's gone for his pre-op assessment and now his blood pressure is too high. Waiting for a call from his GP to see what can be done in the next 12 days to bring it down otherwise the operation won't go ahead. I think he's going to die. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over but I've just got to keep my crying and anxiety private and appear strong on the outside.

Oh OP I'm really sorry. I hope the GP has some good news for you

Go to chemist get a blood pressure monitor, record reading each time, could well be white coat syndrome

Why is it up to you to sort out? Tell your DH to tell her to bugger off.

Oh op. Stay strong. Thinking of you x

@justasking111

Go to chemist get a blood pressure monitor, record reading each time, could well be white coat syndrome

This is good advice, try different times of day too

Thinking of you & your DH ❤️

Get him to eat at least one banana a day. It seems to lower blood pressure.

Good luck.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why is it up to you to sort out? Tell your DH to tell her to bugger off.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy For goodness sake, please RTFT or at least the OP's updates by clicking on See all under the OP's first post.

I'm thinking of you both OP, best wishes.

I have terrible white coat syndrome so second the idea to get his own. I mean who wouldn't have it at this point?

So glad your DH put his wants and needs first and told his mum and her self invitation to do one. She was not thinking of him (or you when you had your past OP and expected you to join a party??!). So selfish.

Your DH will be extremely vulnerable and does not need the risk his mum bringing Omicron to your house.

I wish your DH and you every success @QuandryatXmas.

BP should be easy enough to get under control.
Post surgery he may feel ok day 1 with anaesthetic and adrenaline on board but as both wear off he may feel crap day 2 and 3 especially.
He should be able to shower himself and look after his catheter bag.
Until he has his bowels open, we suggest a light diet, soup and sandwiches type thing.
Once bowels open he can have a normal diet. Walking is great for assisting bowels to get back on board, and to help get rid of residual gas in abdomen. Blood shot eyes, stuffy nose and a bit of a headache from being head down on the theatre table.
No driving 4 weeks and no lifting or straining for 6 weeks.
Start pelvic floor exercises once catheter is out.
Put together a man bag with spare underwear and pads. Most mens toilets do not have pad bins, so I suggest nappy sacks to contain wet pads until he can dispose of them.
Expect some good days and some sore, flat miserable days.
Radiation normally starts after healing from surgery, so 6-8 weeks here.
Good luck 💐

@Weenurse That's useful to read - thank you. He's got an appt with his GP on Tuesday so that leaves 8 days before the operation to try and get it down. He's taken it again this morning and it's now 151/102 (it was 170/100 yesterday at the hospital). Do you think 8 days (from next Tues to the 22nd Dec) is long enough for the BP to go down if the GP puts him on BP tables? Do they start working immediately? Clutching and straws really.

The most commonly used drug to treat high blood pressure is amlodipine, which has some effect in around eight hours of administration of the first tablet. After that it starts to wear off, but by around a week of taking it has reached a steady state, ie the blood concentration and therefore the pressure lowering effect is constant over the 24 hours of the day. Even if he doesn't reach that completely steady state in a week, the cumulative effect will be that his blood pressure will be significantly lower. Don't give up hope.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1534713/

@Feedingthebirds1 Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[quote QuandryatXmas]@Weenurse That's useful to read - thank you. He's got an appt with his GP on Tuesday so that leaves 8 days before the operation to try and get it down. He's taken it again this morning and it's now 151/102 (it was 170/100 yesterday at the hospital). Do you think 8 days (from next Tues to the 22nd Dec) is long enough for the BP to go down if the GP puts him on BP tables? Do they start working immediately? Clutching and straws really.[/quote]
Did you take second bp reading at home? @QuandryatXmas
?

Yes he took it at home this morning on a borrowed blood monitor (we did put new batteries in it) and I know that it's not as accurate as the GP's or the hospital. Knowing that there's a pill that starts working straight away gives me hope. He simply can't risk having the op cancelled on the 22nd.

Cuff him every hour leave it on activate hourly keep a written record

@Karmakamelion

Actually when I am unwell I still at the grand age of 50 find my mum being near very comforting and also my big 6 ft son also needs me when he is unwell and I need to be with him . it's a pretty straight forward op . So let her come 🙄

With respect, if your son has a partner or wife then he absolutely doesn't still need you

Call her and say no, this is not acceptable and I'd be furious.

Sorry didn't read all your posts as usual.

I got you OP, the cancer's never worried me, but not coming round after the procedure used to terrify me.

community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/prostate-cancer-forum
Sign up to the community, they'll put your mind at rest. Hope all goes well for you both.

@FrankGrillosWrist Yes I joined them and they sent me a lot of useful info but I haven't joined the community chat yet so am thinking this would be a good idea. Did you have prostate cancer, did you have the RALP op and how are you now? (if you don't mind me asking).

OP my DH had this surgery nearly three years ago. He is absolutely fine now. I remember the anxiety. He was in theatre for four hours, in hospital for one night, catheter for two weeks. He stayed in bed for about a week as it was uncomfortable to sit and he was v tired. Soups or similar might be an idea initially to prevent constipation (this caused my DH a bit of stress). I did the injections and it was fine, the nurse explained how to do it. Take pads when he has the catheter out, it takes a while for that to settle down. The first couple of weeks were quite full on from a nursing point of view then it got easier. But it was all manageable. He didn't go out much for about six weeks after the op. And as I say he is fine now. I wish you both well, look after yourself too!

@Beachcat That's good to hear and best wishes to you and your husband. So glad to hear of a success story - yes the anxiety is unbearable!! Thank you 💖