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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

253 replies

QuandryatXmas · 29/11/2021 22:13

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

  1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
  2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 30/11/2021 23:35

Glad you've had the talk, OP, and I think, mils notwithstanding, that you sound lovely and you will do your DH proud, and I have every faith that you will treat your own mil firmly but with tact and understanding. Because you love your DH and he loves his mum, but you both need this time to work for you two.

pickingdaisies · 30/11/2021 23:38

I am also the mother of a son, and there is no way I would invite myself round to his without checking if I was wanted there first & that's without surgery!

DoctorMarten · 30/11/2021 23:46

Tell her you'll see how it goes and IF you're both ok with it, she can pop in on Christmas Day - but not to stay. She lives reasonably close by, she doesn't need to stay.

Hope it goes well. I can understand why you are worried.

DoctorMarten · 30/11/2021 23:48

Sorry, missed your last post OP. Great that you're on the same page 👌🏽

maddy68 · 30/11/2021 23:49

I think she's trying to help and take the pressure off you

I think it's really well intentioned and you are a bit too stressed to see it for what it really is

milkyaqua · 30/11/2021 23:52

If she was trying to help and take the pressure off, she would ask, What can I do to help? Would it help you both if I came and stayed for a few days? Is there anything I can do?

Instead she has invited herself, set the timing, and when told there would be no beds, insisted on bringing a camp bed.

Sceptre86 · 01/12/2021 00:12

I have a son. If God forbid he was having surgery of any kind I would want to be near him. At my most vulnerable I always want my mum and I'm a grown adult. I'd cut the women some slack but be honest and blunt with her. There won't be a big full on xmas dinner as your oh might not be able to stomach it. She can come for the day and visit if she lives close enough but to have an overnight guest when you are worried sick about your oh is too much. If she wants to help out she can cook meals at her own home and drop them off. She can sit with him and give you a break but she isn't to make extra work for you at what is already a stressful time. I hope the surgery goes well for your oh x

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/12/2021 03:50

Let us know how the talk goes with the MIL, @QuandryatXmas .

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/12/2021 03:52

@Sceptre86

I have a son. If God forbid he was having surgery of any kind I would want to be near him. At my most vulnerable I always want my mum and I'm a grown adult. I'd cut the women some slack but be honest and blunt with her. There won't be a big full on xmas dinner as your oh might not be able to stomach it. She can come for the day and visit if she lives close enough but to have an overnight guest when you are worried sick about your oh is too much. If she wants to help out she can cook meals at her own home and drop them off. She can sit with him and give you a break but she isn't to make extra work for you at what is already a stressful time. I hope the surgery goes well for your oh x
@Sceptre86 But he doesn't want her there OP said in her last update. And this isn't about his mum's wishes, this is about his wishes. His wishes come first not his mother's.
julieca · 01/12/2021 06:08

I think it is up to the DH.
I have a friend who has crohns whose mum rushes to his house every time she is ill or in hospital. She now doesn't tell her mum unless it is a very long hospital stay, and not always even then.

Justilou1 · 01/12/2021 07:48

Hi OP… Just popping in to say that I think you and DH are definitely doing the right thing by heading her off at the pass this time.
Also want to share a funny story from a family friend who has had the same surgery and is kicking on mid 80’s. He makes jokes about the hormone therapy not affecting his ability to reverse-park at all. 😁

iloveheater · 01/12/2021 07:52

@QuandryatXmas

Have just sat DH down and have had a really frank talk with him. He's now admitted that he doesn't want his mum round at all. He's quite happy to have her round at a later date when he feels stronger but has also admitted that he thinks she is being selfish as coming round to us over the Christmas period is only to suit her plans. I've given him every opportunity to be honest with me and to tell me if I'm out of order with my thoughts, but no, he agrees with me. So, once again, thanks for all your input. Much appreciated. 💖💖💖
I was going to say that she's not just a normal guest, she's his mum, and often people always want their mum around after something traumatic, no matter how big, tough or grown up they are. However, if he genuinely doesn't want her there... (You should know him well enough to know if he doesn't want her there, or if he's just saying that because he thinks it's what you want to hear.)

The surgery is a big deal. You both need to do whatever you can to make it less difficult for yourselves, and if neither of you want MIL there, that's pretty conclusive.

You've said she won't be on her own. The only thing I would suggest is promising to contact her after the surgery so she knows how it's gone, and promising to update her if there are any major updates. Otherwise, she should just assume you're both fine, just understandably exhausted and unable to come to the phone.

Eeyoresideyestigger · 01/12/2021 08:27

If it's only a 45 minute drive and she has an OH, why does she need to stay at all at such a difficult time? (And lest we forget, Covid.) Tell her it would be wonderfully helpful if she brought and made Christmas lunch (and then went home)!

This ^^

"Thanks MIL but we don't want visitors nor anyone staying after his operation. Would love to see you Xmas day if you want to pop in with food but we aren't cooking or hosting anyone. "

She lives 45 mins drive away - there is zero reason for her to stay. She's not going to be emptying his catheter bag or taking him to toilet at night!!!!

My DDad has this op, he had catheter afterwards for short while and was sore and embarrassed. He found it difficult to get comfortable for first 4-7 days and just wanted to move around slowly, watch TV and not be gauped at or fussed over just have his wife (my DM) around for fetching things initially.

Don't let your MIL interfere, he's a grown man and has you there.

You need to stop mithering that you've never looked after anyone after surgery before . Neither have most people! Most manage well, you use common sense, read up online, follow post surgery instructions and listen to doctors/ nurses. Prepare a bit- get food in, cook up some batches, buy in some large pillows, say no to family who want to stay for a week!

Highfivemum · 01/12/2021 08:46

Personally I would let her come along. When ur DH gets out of hospital he will rest a lot in bed. She can help with the chores and cooking and you can concentrate on him. She will also be company for you when DH is sleeping. You get along with her she has offered to help and she is his mum. I would stress to her that the operation will floor him for a bit so of course she can come but he will need his rest etc.
How the op all runs smoothly for your DH.

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/12/2021 09:02

@Highfivemum

Personally I would let her come along. When ur DH gets out of hospital he will rest a lot in bed. She can help with the chores and cooking and you can concentrate on him. She will also be company for you when DH is sleeping. You get along with her she has offered to help and she is his mum. I would stress to her that the operation will floor him for a bit so of course she can come but he will need his rest etc. How the op all runs smoothly for your DH.
@Highfivemum OP has made it quite clear she doesn't want her there, it will stress her, and the OP's latest update, that her DH doesn't want his mum there. So it's quite clear all round that they don't want her there and will be more peaceful and less stressed without her in way.
CoachBeardless · 01/12/2021 09:23

But if he doesn't want her there then of course they should say no. She may want to be there but her feelings are not the priority in this situation.

Bless my MIL, but she was an absolute pain in the arse when she came round to "help" when I had major surgery last year. She created more work.

Original poster
QuandryatXmas · 01/12/2021 10:14

I've just spoken to the Cancer Nurse Specialist and I told her the story and she laughed when I said MIL was bringing her own camp bed!! The CNS said that he will be in some discomfort, will have to get used to using the catheter, will probably be constipated so will be given laxatives and that as he is having radical surgery he will need to take it easy and do things in his own time. So although she didn't say 'no of course MIL can't stay' she did advise that in the first couple of weeks he needs peace and quiet. She also said that he won't need to isolate after the operation (not that he'll be going anywhere) so I can't use that excuse. I'll check with him one more time this evening to make sure he hasn't changed his mind and will make the call tomorrow.

Feel calmer about it all now so thanks to you all for your advice and kind words.

OP posts:
Yearonebesties · 09/12/2021 19:53

@QuandryatXmas how did she take it
Op? Hope your dh is feeling ok!

Original poster
QuandryatXmas · 09/12/2021 20:33

@Yearonebesties Thank you so much for replying. MIL sorted out - DH spoke to her and told her not to come. Just so anxious all the time that have spoken to my GP. He's prescribed me some medication which should make me feel like I'm not on the verge of a constant panic attack. Just awful at the moment specially as the tumour is bigger than they first thought. Can't remember if I'd mentioned this before but I can't be bothered to look back. Thank you

OP posts:
PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/12/2021 21:00

Aww you poor love. It's terrifying and worse when it's your OH than when it's you yourself- most unfair really. The odds are in his favour, though. xx

19lottie82 · 09/12/2021 21:08

Are you not supposed to isolate when you come out of hospital?

Beautiful3 · 09/12/2021 21:24

I hope your husband recovers quickly. Flowers

Mistymountain · 09/12/2021 21:37

Your DH may actually like his mother to be there. I remember my aunt, who was a nurse, telling me that no matter how old they were, people, when seriously ill, often asked for their mother.

JalfreziAtChristmas · 09/12/2021 21:52

@Mistymountain

Your DH may actually like his mother to be there. I remember my aunt, who was a nurse, telling me that no matter how old they were, people, when seriously ill, often asked for their mother.
He doesn't.
5YearsLeft · 10/12/2021 11:46

OP, I can’t remember whether I read this thread or actually commented, plus I recently name-changed, but I’ve been thinking about you, and I’m wishing you all the best. My very, very dear grandfather had prostate cancer, had it removed and then radiotherapy, and he went on to live for another 25 years until we lost him this year (he was 93, but I was still devastated). And that was 25 years ago without the advances we have now. I’m sure he’ll be tired and uncomfortable, but I really hope he has a relaxed, low-pain, and cosy Christmas-y recovery at home with you.

And I can understand being panicked. My grandmother was beside herself not just during his surgery, but the whole night they had to spend apart while he was in the hospital. Once the surgery was over, and he was back home, she said she felt like a 1,000-kg elephant had been lifted off her heart. I do hope the surgery is over with quickly, for the sake of your stress. And if medication helps, then that’s very smart to take it, for short or medium term. That’s what it’s there for - to help.