DH having major surgery on 22 Dec and MIL has invited herself for Christmas

[QuandryatXmas]

Forgive me but I don't know what to do. It's not the end of the world as who knows what will happen with Covid in the next couple of weeks but I am feeling very anxious about this. Long story short - DH is having major surgery on 22nd December and MIL has decided she's coming to ours on Christmas Eve so she can help cook the Christmas Dinner and will stay until 27th Dec.
WTF - I told her we aren't doing Christmas this year as things will be so uncertain and that I'm going to buy new bed so I can sleep in the spare room so he can recover/recuperate in ours and so there won't be any room for her to stay. 'Don't worry about me' she says 'I can sleep anywhere and I'll bring a camp bed'.
Right, so my dilemma is:

1. Am I being a total bitch in thinking that me & DH will be totally exhausted and will just need a few weeks of adjusting and getting used to him recovering and that we really don't need someone else in our home to worry about.
2. Chill Out - It's his mother FGS. Just let her come round and maybe she could help out.

She is a nice MIL but a bit selfish i.e she'll be on the phone to me and the first 10 minutes will be all about her ailments then she'll ask how her DS is.

She seems to be a bit blase at to how major this is and I don't think for one minute that DH will be up for a Christmas dinner but I may be wrong - I've never had to look after anyone who's had major surgery before.

I've spoken to DH and he's said let her come round on Christmas Day and she can go on Boxing Day but he hasn't told her this yet. I will respect what he says but I don't really want her here at all so AIBU or practical?

Any thoughts would be great to read as I have no idea what the hell to do.

The thing is, OP, it's hard to know how he will be feeling, but for otherwise fit and healthy people, it's a real shock to them when they wake up tired, in pain, and with a urinary catheter attached. My DH is now 7 weeks post-op and doing well (no RT needed) but in the early days he wasn't coping. He hadn't really prepared himself mentally for it, so I was having to do things like order closefitting briefs, pads and loose trackies for him - he didn't even want to discuss it and he'd have been totally unprepared if I hadn't stepped in. We had an hour's drive home and we had to stop so he could empty out the catheter bag on the way. The pain didn't really kick in until the day after he got home, and the catheter itself caused problems (he got a local infection and needed antibiotics). He had imagined he would bounce back and would be back out on his bike after six weeks. The thought of a bike saddle still makes him wince, although he is way, way better now. He slept in the spare room because he was uncomfortable and couldn't sleep, and he needed to get up several times to deal with the bag.
None of this may happen with your DH, because some people seem to recover quickly. But it might. Even robot- assisted is still major surgery - my DH was covered in bruises afterwards.
Of course your dmil wants to help, be involved, see her son - but she can't invite herself for several days. My DH survived on soup, a Christmas dinner would not have been welcome! You need to be firm in this for all your sakes - I wish all the best for you all x

Could you say "we would have loves to see you but the doctor recommends against it?" And see her another time

You've no kids and your MIL has a partner she can spend Xmas with;I don't know why she thinks it's okay to leave him alone at Xmas?

No is a complete sentence.

You don't want a Xmas,you want peace and quiet and want to use the spare room;tell her to stay home.

i have no doubt she will be wanting to see her son and help him get back on his feet

But it isn't about her. It's about the patient and how he feels. He doesn't want her there for days.
At the moment he seems to think he will be okay for a day. I wasn't when I had a major operation as I said upthread. He needs to be able to decide this for himself on the day because he doesn't know how bad he will feel and she needs to accept that.

This is why so many DIL's have issues with their MIL's BTW. They can be horribly self-centered.

@EasyLikeSundays

Aw she sounds incredibly worried about him and wants to be there and hands on help you both. If she's generally pretty good and she's coming on the expectation of doing a lot for you both I think it's OK. If it was my lovely MIL I'd be happy with it, unless you have a big back story and you don't get on with her then I'd just let her crack on.

I agree. Take the pressure off. She is worried about him

Just because it's day case doesn't mean it isn't major surgery.

When I had my day case gallbladder op, my surgeon stressed to me it was major surgery even though I went home on the day.

I have a vivid memory of sitting in Costa waiting for my neighbour to pick me up, feeling like death, and thinking the hospital were fucking bastards to send me home!

I appreciate it's not the same op, but for the first few days all I did was lie around in bed feeling sorry for myself unless my DM, who was staying to look after me, came and kicked me out of bed for a walk or force me to eat something.

Yes I was back to normal in a fortnight but the first week to 10 days was pretty shambolic - I'd be firm with MIL that Christmas is likely to be some token tinsel and a ready meal, DH will be asleep for the duration and brief visits are all that is required.

It's strange that MIL is happy to spend so much time away from her DP over the festive period. Methinks this is more about him making other plans and MIL wanting to feel needed somewhere. Or maybe she just wants to get away from him. Either way it's too long. One or two nights in a hotel with drop in visiting for a couple of hours or postpone.

@pickingdaisies My DH seems to be the same. I really don't think he's taken on board how major surgery will affect him. He's going to be in pain, very tired and I think once the op has happened that it will finally hit him mentally what he's been through and I'm certain he won't fancy a bloody Christmas dinner of all things. He also doesn't talk about it at all so it's difficult to gauge how his mind is working. The more I think about it and the more I've read the replies then what I'll do is discuss it with him tonight and say that as we have no idea how he'll be feeling mentally and physically that his mum just cannot stay. I'm more than happy to ring her every day with updates and if he is up to seeing her on Christmas day then of course she can come round for a couple of hours but no, no,no to staying overnight (and NO,NO,NO to 3 days and 3 nights!!) I just feel that in this case she has got to understand that we just simply do not know what will happen when he gets out or 100% know when he will definitely be discharged. Anything could happen - infections, not passing urine, feeling sick from the anaesthetic etc etc. So I'm slowly getting there in my mind. I know I keep thanking everyone all the time but you have no idea how much all the comments have helped. (I'm also intermittently switching between MN and spread sheets as I'm WFH so am not reading this thread live). I also genuinely understand that this is his mum and not some random friend but it'll be too much too soon whoever it was. Waiting for a cancer nurse to ring me back tomorrow with what to actually expect so bracing myself to make the phone call to MIL!!

Good luck, OP. I hope all goes well

I've just had a flashback. Years ago, I was in hospital for about 5 days as I had complications with an infection. MIL was having a birthday party on the day I was discharged and she wanted me there. Looking back I should have stood my ground and refused to go but it shows that she doesn't really know/understand what you feel like after a hospital stay let alone major surgery. I wasn't really ill enough not to go but just wanted to go to my bed and rest. Right - feeling stronger to tackle her.

I agree with those saying it to manage her expectations by saying you’re not going to commit to anything atm, that overnight stays are out of the question for now because you don’t know how things will pan out.

Say that you’ll update her and yes, if he’s up to it she can definitely pop round, but that you have to see how things are, how he’s feeling, what doctors say about isolation etc etc

Reassure her that if there’s a chance she can come over you’ll be happy to have her, but that you’re not going to agree to anything this side of the operation

I would agree with @pickingdaisies, my DH is quite quiet and found it hard to talk about the operation before it happened. He was very down mentally after it and struggled for quite a while. I remember a programme on TV just before his op, it was raising cancer awareness and there was a doctor on (he's on a lot and has a twin who is also a doctor) and he announced that with prostrate cancer you can put off going to the doctor as it's slow growing and waiting won't cause problems. I thought DH was going to put his foot through the telly! They were very dismissive and quite flippant. That was not the impression we were given by his consultant. The earlier it is treated, the better.
By the way, if your DH drives, they are told not to drive for 4 weeks ( in case they have to do an emergency stop).
We were able to order pads etc to be delivered straight to the house and I bought in some bed pads in case of accidents (which we didn't need at all) and the local district nursing team were great as well.

Good luck with the call !
I think it's a bit odd to stay overnight when you only live 45 minutes away anyway but my overriding consideration post op would be shielding him from covid .
I wouldn't have visitors at all .

Has she ever had surgery herself? I was a mess for a week after a GA and that was day surgery. I was only under an hour.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Is it a robotic prostatectomy? A family member had one recently in his early fifties. He was in hospital one night, very sore for a few days, but up and about straight away. They are excellent these days, don't worry- he'll be fine!

This. He will be home the next day. He will be tired from the anaesthetic and sore from the incisions. He may feel bruised down below. He will have a catheter into his bladder that will stay for around 2 weeks. They will have given him any required medication to take home.

He needs to be up and about and keeping mobile. Not lying on the sofa or in bed everyday. It well help speed up his recovery and reduce the risk of dvts.

www.baus.org.uk/patients/information_leaflets/180/roboticassisted_radical_prostatectomy_rarp

Have just sat DH down and have had a really frank talk with him. He's now admitted that he doesn't want his mum round at all. He's quite happy to have her round at a later date when he feels stronger but has also admitted that he thinks she is being selfish as coming round to us over the Christmas period is only to suit her plans. I've given him every opportunity to be honest with me and to tell me if I'm out of order with my thoughts, but no, he agrees with me. So, once again, thanks for all your input. Much appreciated. 💖💖💖

Glad you had the conversation @QuandryatXmas - now who's going to be the bad guy and let her know ?

A dh with balls op!! A rarity where their dm's are concerned!!

Have a great none Christmas!!

That's good, OP! It will be so much better for both of you if it's just you two during his recovery.

[quote DaveMinion]@SudokuWillNotSaveYou you have no idea about major surgery. It's not that dramatic. Removal of a gallbladder is classed as major surgery but is usually a day case. Worked in theatres for many years.

OP is he having a TURP or total prostatectomy? We don't do the latter at my Trust but for turp he'd only be in one night to irrigate his bladder post procedure.[/quote]
@DaveMinion I don’t enjoy disagreements, but our understandings are different, and if we can’t agree, no wonder people facing loved ones’ surgeries (like OP) are confused. I mean, hell, there are medical journal articles SPECIFICALLY about how these terms (major vs. minor surgery) are not well-defined, so you saying I “have no idea” is rather rude. I tried to speak from personal experience, not medical jargon which I suppose I could have instead, to assure OP this is almost never a life-threatening surgery (fact).

Major and minor surgery: Terms used for hundreds of years that have yet to be defined
(from the Annals of Medicine and Surgery, lest you think I’m pulling it from my arse)
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8178080/

Interestingly, in the article, they quote one of the earliest definitions for major surgery:

• procedures that require general anesthetic,
• involve opening great body cavities,
• have risk of severe hemorrhage,
• put the patient's life at stake, or
• require special anatomical knowledge and manipulative skills

As OP’s husband is having this done via small incisions robotically, it will meet qualifications 1 and 5 but not 2, 3, or 4. Gallbladder surgery done laparoscopically is now considered “major/minor” due to the same issue for 2 (I admit this is a more random page but is discusses the gallbladder issue: www.farnorthsurgery.com/blog/difference-between-major-and-minor-surgery/amp ). So perhaps you were simply taught differently than I was, as I wouldn’t want to rudely tell someone they have no idea. But those are (roughly) five criteria I was taught to consider, along with, as I said, hospital admission time and recovery time.

All I can say as a mother of a son is that I would want to be there to help YoU help him recover .. is that so bad .. pretty sure that you Love the SAME person !

@Finknottlesnewt

All I can say as a mother of a son is that I would want to be there to help YoU help him recover .. is that so bad .. pretty sure that you Love the SAME person !

Even if he didn’t want you there and just wanted his wife?!

@Finknottlesnewt

All I can say as a mother of a son is that I would want to be there to help YoU help him recover .. is that so bad .. pretty sure that you Love the SAME person !

Yes but if your son doesn't want you there and only wants his wife, you need to accept that.

Men (even sons) and women do tend to want their wives/husbands before their mothers when they are adults and feel poorly. I only want my husband when I am sick. It doesn't mean I don't love my mother, but I dare say I love my husband both differently and more and he is the one person I think about and want when I don't feel well.

When he is discharged his bladder may misbehave. OH had little bladder control eg needed to be near a loo to prevent an accident. The catheter had irritated him I think and there was bruising and passing clots.

He doesn't want his mum just his partner to just be around, no fussing. His mum sounds a bit full on