Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
goingtotown · 29/11/2021 19:50

The change of routine & surroundings will definitely confuse her.

Visit her in the nursing home, it’s a long Christmas break this year 25th-28th so not necessarily a Christmas Day visit.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/11/2021 19:54

adly your DH is - for the very best of reasons - only thinking of himself here. And also not thinking about the impact on you and your DCs, it sounds like it may be very upsetting for them to see their DGM in this state which he also needs to think about.

I would add to this, that he is also not thinking of the needs of his Mother. I agree with those who said speak to her care team. It would be very disruptive for her nad could potentially worsen her dementia.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/11/2021 19:55

Reading some of the responses on this thread leads me to question what the general level of understanding is for dementia.

I wasn't aware that so many people who believe that they have a reasonable opinion of the matter do not account for the need for familiarity and predictability when considering the circumstances of people with dementia or cognitive impairments once they progress beyond MCI or mild.

Chasingaftermidnight · 29/11/2021 19:55

I think both of you - your DH and you - need to stop thinking about your own interests and think about your MIL’s best interests.

It probably so happens that what you want aligns with what’s best for your MIL, although your posts don’t show much concern for her welfare.

ancientgran · 29/11/2021 19:57

Dementia varies so much that it is impossible to have an opinion really. I'm retired but do a few hours a week in a care home. Some residents will go away for Christmas others don't want to/don't have anyone to go to/just don't want to be away. All the care homes I know do try to make Christmas nice but it isn't the same as being with family. One of my kids is a nurse, they worked in a care home for a gap year and then part time when studying, they worked every Christmas Day for five years as they loved Christmas at the home. Doesn't say much for my cooking does it but it shows it doesn't have to be grim.

You really need to talk to someone at the home, named carer/manager or someone who will know her needs.

Being incontinent of urine does not always mean someone needs to clean her up, she might be able to change pads herself or she might not. The journey might be too much or it might not. You get the picture.

Your husband sounds a lovely caring man, maybe you can support him in thinking it through and getting the information to work out if this is reasonable.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide.

Cherrysoup · 29/11/2021 19:57

It will probably totally freak her out to be going back and forth to yours, a hotel etc. It may be her last Christmas, why not keep her safe in a known environment.

Mumsnut · 29/11/2021 19:58

My mum is in a care home with dementia. The last two Christmases when she was still able to live in her own home (with support from me), she became very tired and snappy during Xmas lunch with us - it was too long and too stressful an occasion for her. My db / dh had to take her home in the middle of lunch.

The second of these years, we also took her away for New Year, to a property she had been to with us many times before. She slept for much of the day, and wandered about at night. We got no sleep, any of us. Eventually, we had a rota to stay up with her, take her for walks along deserted streets, etc. She was continually trying to leave.

And that was before she needed to be in a care home. The change of environment really threw her.

lololololollll · 29/11/2021 19:59

My Dad is basically the same as her and my god I would clean his piss up every day til I die. ESPECIALLY at Xmas! Just me

AliceMck · 29/11/2021 20:00

Based on the info you’ve provided I think your ydbvu. Your children are old enough to understand the circumstances and that their DGM may not be here much longer and her health and personal needs. Unless there is a back story you’ve not mentioned I’d be going out of my way to help my DH as it’s obviously very important to him. My DH use to do a 4 hr round trip every day when he was at university just to watch countdown with his DM, she was very sick for a long time, she died before he graduated. He loves those memories of them together in her hospital room and wouldn’t change them for anything.

ancientgran · 29/11/2021 20:00

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Reading some of the responses on this thread leads me to question what the general level of understanding is for dementia.

I wasn't aware that so many people who believe that they have a reasonable opinion of the matter do not account for the need for familiarity and predictability when considering the circumstances of people with dementia or cognitive impairments once they progress beyond MCI or mild.

It really does depend on the individual. We don't actually know how far her dementia has developed, the physical issues might be the main reason she can't manage at home.

You know what they say about if you know someone with dementia? You know someone with dementia. It really isn't a one size fits all, although eventually the journey is headed in the same direction there are various stops on the way.

mediciempire · 29/11/2021 20:00

I think it would be better if you all and went and visited her but I wouldn't say no to him. He seems like a very devoted son who wants to have his mum with him for what may be her last Christmas.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 29/11/2021 20:01

@macmoominmamma I think you need to be very careful how you approach this. If you come across as saying no then he will be hurt and resentful.

Coming to you is a monumentally bad idea, not for you but for MIL. Unfamiliarity can in some cases cause violent outbursts in dementia patients, as others have mentioned it can set their cognitive functions back and often that is never recovered.

I appreciate you have kids and it is you youngest birthday, but if your dh is set on spending Christmas with his mum could you guys all travel to her? Book a restaurant or try for a whole house Airbnb maybe so you can cook etc? It would be far kinder to her for her to be in her normal surroundings

Pawprintpaper · 29/11/2021 20:02

@PicaK

In the nicest possible way she's not going to know when it's Christmas. I'd suggest you do your Xmas at home. Then book a bnb and go celebrate a 2nd time. He's obviously really sad and hoping for a last wonderful time - but tbh he needs to accept that that time has probably been and gone. But I'd be very gentle with him. It's a lot to process.
Wise post
mediciempire · 29/11/2021 20:03

I do think it being a 9 year olds birthday isn't a good enough reason to stop you seeing MIL. He's 9, he's old enough to understand.

ChotaPeg · 29/11/2021 20:03

Social worker here. When did DH last see his Mum? I wonder how up to date his understanding of her dementia / needs is? I am making a (possibly incorrect) assumption here, but if MIL was assessed as not being able to manage independently at home nearly 3 years ago, I'd imagine her dementia is getting fairly advanced by this stage.

As several PPs have said, he really needs to talk to the care home about this. They will be able to guide him about what might be best for her.

Also, MIL's capacity for this decision and best interests decision making might be an issue here, dependent on the level of her cognitive impairment and impact on her ability to make her own decisions. It is unlikely to be as simple as him being able to take her out of the home for a few days because that's what he wants.

Also, has he thought about what he is going to do if MIL can't cope at yours / in the hotel? 100 miles is a fairly long drive to get her back to her home if she becomes distressed. Similarly, what if she refuses to return?

I'm not saying this can't / shouldn't happen but there are several missing steps in your DH's thinking as I am sure you know.

Best of luck OP xx

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 29/11/2021 20:03

To avoid family disharmony I suggest you speak to the nursing home and ask what their opinion is. Then go with the advice of the professionals actually charged with MILs care, considering all the practical aspects that posters have mentioned.

WhoWants2Know · 29/11/2021 20:05

Even with a commode in the study, it doesn't sound like he's accounted for MIL's other hygiene needs between the 23rd and Boxing Day. Is she able to wash independently, or does she require adapted facilities or carers for support? If she does require supervision or support, will she be happy with him providing it?

ChotaPeg · 29/11/2021 20:05
  • nearly 2 years ago! Long day...
CrocodilesCry · 29/11/2021 20:06

@LadyDanburysHat

adly your DH is - for the very best of reasons - only thinking of himself here. And also not thinking about the impact on you and your DCs, it sounds like it may be very upsetting for them to see their DGM in this state which he also needs to think about.

I would add to this, that he is also not thinking of the needs of his Mother. I agree with those who said speak to her care team. It would be very disruptive for her nad could potentially worsen her dementia.

Absolutely and couldn't agree more. Like I said - impact on his DM's dementia symptoms, being embarrassed about her incontinence - let alone her being uncomfortable on a long journey and finding it confusing.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 29/11/2021 20:06

Has your MIL asked for this? I think it's a bad idea anyway. But it also sounds like something DH has dreamed up, with all good intentions, thinking it would be lovely for MIL whereas it's much more likely to confuse and disorientate her.

I hope you can find a compromise including a visit to MIL, and maybe taking her out during the day if she and her carers think that's appropriate without her having to go and stay in a strange place.

Good luck. I think DH is trying to be kind. But this could end up being a bad experience for everyone.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 29/11/2021 20:07

Chotapeg makes a very good point - is MIL happy to be in the home ? If not you may find yourself with a challenging situation if she won't leave your home.
Lots of naive, sentimental posters here envisaging a Hallmark Family Christmas clearly with little experience of dementia or people with complex needs.
Reality is a distressed granny who is further down the line than her son imagined who gets confused in the night, wets herself and lets herself into the hotel corridor mistaking it for the bathroom.

Iloveacurry · 29/11/2021 20:08

As someone else has already pointed out, she’s not really going to know what day it is. And honestly the whole thing is going to be very confusing for her. Go up before or after Christmas to see her.

loveandkindness · 29/11/2021 20:13

Wouldn't your children want Granny there to see them open their presents?

There are four of you in your family. Have you asked your children what they want?

DotBall · 29/11/2021 20:13

This is all about him and what he wants, and not his mother’s needs.
He needs to put these first.

funnelfanjo · 29/11/2021 20:15

My elderly mum doesn't have dementia, and this would be far, far too much for her to cope with. I took her to one shop last week at her request (M&S), I ended up parking her in the cafe and going and doing all her shopping for her under instruction. It took her 3 days to get over the trip. I can't imagine having to do with her what your husband is proposing, let alone with anyone with more complex health needs than general old age and frailty. Anyone who looks after elderly people would say it is madness.

It sounds like your DH has his heart in the right place, but it sounds like he has no idea of the actual reality of what it would be like. I would try and find a way of asking him firmly (but kindly) who he is doing it for - him or her? Because I'm pretty sure if you asked her, while she was lucid, that she would be happy seeing the family for a nice visit on one of the days around Christmas.