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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants MIL to come to us for Christmas

357 replies

Macmoominmamma · 29/11/2021 17:51

Hi all

Your opinions please!

For context - MIL went into nursing home Feb 2020 at age of 84. She's been incredibly independent for past 50 years but now can't cope living on her own. Diagnosed with dementia, which fluctuates. She is urine incontinent, can't go up or down stairs, doesn't walk far, can't work TV or mobile phone, despite being shown many many times. She lives 100 miles away from us and her other DS lives in same village as her.

DH asked me last night if she could come to ours for Christmas, coming 23rd Dec and leaving Boxing Day. We have 2 kids, aged 15 and 9. It is 9 year olds birthday Christmas Eve (will be 10 then). I have pointed out the distance for her to travel, that she is incontinent, has dementia, she can't walk up steps (our WCs are not on ground floor), but DH says he will take her to a hotel and they will stay there overnight and come to our home for feeding, present opening etc.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this - on the one hand, it would be nice to have her, and don't want her to spend Christmas at Nursing Home, but on the other hand I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, and just a bit miserable for the kids to have their dad away from them over Christmas Day and birthday.

DH appears to have thought this through and is pretty set on it.
AIBU to put a spanner in the works by saying no?

YANBU - yes tell him it's a no
YABU - she should come.

OP posts:
Picklesbaby · 29/11/2021 19:09

I think you would be unreasonable if you were to stand in his way of spending Christmas with her, but I also think he is feeling some type of way that it may be her last Christmas . encourage him to talk to the staff they may be able to explain to him why it’s not a good idea to take her out of her surroundings for so long and see what they suggest as they know her care needs better. My mil with dementia is coming for Christmas and i know it can be hard

Cherrycee · 29/11/2021 19:10

The vote here is so strange. The vast majority of people who have commented have it spot on.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/11/2021 19:11

@Fluffycloudland77

He needs to talk to the home, she’ll be wearing pads and there’s an interval their changed at to minimise irritating the skin.

Also check if he goes this if she’ll be quarantined for two weeks in the room or if it’s only until a negative pcr has come back.

I agree with this - depending on the state of play there's a very strong chance that she'll have to quarantine on her return to the home. I know what a deleterious impact this has had on my friends and family when this has happened to them, particularly when they don't understand why they're isolated and are rarely isolated with sufficient stimulation/activities/entertainment.
EdenFlower · 29/11/2021 19:13

Sounds totally unfeasible to me!

DH sounds like he's letting emotions override the logic on this one.

Ozanj · 29/11/2021 19:14

Based on the last update I think you’re being unreasonable.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 29/11/2021 19:14

That will be you one day wanting to spend your last Christmas with your son.

DockOTheBay · 29/11/2021 19:14

100 miles is only a 2 hour trip. With kids that age you could go up and back in a day - boxing day maybe. I feel for your DH, he obviously want to see his mum and it could be the last time they have Christmas together. Presumably you didn't get to see her last Christmas or much at all before or afterwards. Go and visit her.

Soldoutinyoursize · 29/11/2021 19:15

From personal experience this is a great idea in theory & I can understand why he wants to have her there. My Ex Mil just wouldn't cope with this and it would make her really distressed. Could your Dh book into a hotel near her so he gets to spend time with her over Christmas and she isn't out of her comfort zone & safe place?.

user1471505494 · 29/11/2021 19:15

Will the home accept her back if COVID gets worse

DirectionToPerfection · 29/11/2021 19:16

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

That will be you one day wanting to spend your last Christmas with your son.
Really? When you have dementia and don't understand anything around you, you'd want to be taken out of your comfortable surroundings to travel 100 miles away to a hotel? Rather than have you son visit you?
BackBackBack · 29/11/2021 19:17

I would strongly counsel against taking her out of the home.

My DM has dementia and is still cared for at home. If I was to remove her from her familiar surroundings she would become quite distressed. On the occasions where I have to take her out for a medical appointment, she finds it very confusing and gets upset and wants to go back to 'the place' (her word for home).

Think about how she will feel having to toilet in a commode in a strange room, rather than the equipped bathroom she's used to. Think about how she will feel having her son do her intimate care, when she's used to having qualified staff who know what they are doing.

Your H needs to take a step back and have a think about what is in his Mum's best interests. He's only thinking about himself - and whilst I understand and sympathise that he wants a last Xmas with his Mum, it's really not fair to her.

Lostmyheart101 · 29/11/2021 19:17

I think it’s a lovely kind thought, but not practical in reality and may actually upset her if she doesn’t realise where she is, she could get scared.

MrsBobDylan · 29/11/2021 19:18

It is totally and utterly impractical.

Your dh will need to help her toileting routine, which may involve wiping. Because she is urine incontinent he will need to change her pads regularly and any leaks she has (so for example, the hotel bed will need a plastic sheet).

She will need a raised toilet seat for her and probably help her on and off it. If she has an accident, he will either have to give her a bed bath or help her into the shower and keep watch while she washes.

When she is at your house during the day, you need someone to keep an eye on her all the time (and at the hotel). She will be very disoriented and may wander off or start to prepare a meal or try to go upstairs. There are 100s of trip hazards to in an average home so every time she wants to move around, you will need watch her.

Eddielzzard · 29/11/2021 19:20

Not a good idea. His heart's obviously in the right place, but she will be very confused and distressed by unfamiliar surroundings. It's really not in her best interests.

iloveheater · 29/11/2021 19:20

This could be his last Christmas with his DM, so I think as a family, you should do all you can to make it happen. Practically though, that involves you all travelling to see her, rather than her coming to you. Yes, it will involve a lot of disruption, but you all can cope with that - she has dementia, so would find it much tougher.

You're going to need to talk to the home though - are they happy with you all visiting her at the home and/or taking her out for the day to somewhere local? Presumably at least one of your kids isn't vaccinated, so they might not be happy with the increased risk to the rest of their guests.

Work to find a solution that involves your DH seeing his DM for Christmas, but accept it's going to involve travel for you all (not the other way round, that just sounds cruel, TBH), and it could potentially get shelved at the last minute if there are restrictions.

Pandamumium · 29/11/2021 19:21

From experience, don’t do it. She will probably find it very confusing and become very distressed. Leave her in her familiar surroundings and visit her sometime if you can.

Speakeasy22 · 29/11/2021 19:22

In my experience Christmas in a care home is one of the best times for residents. Lots of fuss and extra activities. Maybe go there for a few days after Christmas to visit but let her stay in the care home.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 19:22

@3luckystars

I’m totally unhelpful now but why is she so far from you all?

He could pick her up on Christmas and drop her back that evening.

Long drive but I don’t think having her overnight is a good idea.

I do think you should spend Christmas with her, however you manage it. Good luck.

No he couldn't. That's. FAR too much travelling for a woman in her mid/late 80's living in a care home with dementia,
diddl · 29/11/2021 19:23

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

That will be you one day wanting to spend your last Christmas with your son.
Think you have that arse about face!
alongtimeagoandfaraway · 29/11/2021 19:24

We had this family discussion the year my dad was in a home. He had dementia and we knew that friends and neighbours would expect us to bring him out for Christmas dinner and judge us if we didn’t. But we knew how distressed and disoriented he was any time we took him out and decided that what the neighbours thought of us mattered less than his comfort. So the plan was to visit him on Christmas morning and then leave him to enjoy Christmas day in the home. We’d arranged to have a low key family party in a room at the home a couple of days after Christmas with as many children and grandchildren as could make it.
In the event he died 10 days before Christmas but I still think our plan was the best for him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/11/2021 19:24

I think he thinks it could be her last

He could be right, but as most PPs have said this has the potential to go horribly wrong, and rather than happy times with her in your home he could easily be stuck in a hotel with a very distressed lady, fielding complaints from her, you and the hotel staff

The idea of talking to her care staff is a good one, and even better IMO would be for you all to visit her on her "home ground" rather than taking this risk for everyone

diddl · 29/11/2021 19:27

It could be her last & that obviously makes it emotive, but it's him wanting to spend it with her, not the other way around, which means that he needs to go to her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/11/2021 19:27

I think he means well but will be too much fir her to travel plus new surroundings

Can you go down there /stay either 23 or 27 so before or after Xmas and birthdays

Babyvenusplant · 29/11/2021 19:27

My nan has dementia, is incontinent and very very close to being put in a home, she has carers in 4 times a day atm. We took her for her covid booster last week, literally only half an hour out of the house for her and she's still not settled from it even now a week later. She keeps thinking she's lost her handbag while she was out (hasn't had one for years) and we're getting 30+ phone calls a day with her in a panic that she's lost it, she's close to tears. She also doesn't remember where she went or what happened, which I'm sure your mil probably won't remember either. This will all be for your dh's benefit and not your mil. Quite a few posters who are thinking about the sentimental value really don't understand how upsetting and traumatic this could be for your mil.

Entschuldigung · 29/11/2021 19:27

It would be an absolute, definite no from me simply because I think it would be very unfair on her. My Dad had dementia and any change like that would have sent him spiralling. Being out of his familiar setting confused him terribly. In a hotel, he would have been very distressed and continuously trying to get home as he wouldn't have known where he was.

Personally, I'd enjoy your son's birthday and Christmas at home and visit her between Christmas and New Year.