Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

@Herecomesthebrideagain

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

So why not just do it the two of you....no pomp....no ceremony....excluding family will end in tears ultimately....It will never be forgotten that you chose others over them.....but your choice always..... but I realise that family doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.... family is absolutely everything to me..... but people are different ... good luck

@Herecomesthebrideagain

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

Honestly if this is the reason you put of getting married you're overthinking it. There's nothing stopping you from popping down to the registry office, in t-shirt and jeans (yes, friends of mine have actually done this) and as you said earlier pulling two witnesses off the street. I've known plenty of people who have done this and nobody had an issue

The issue here is that you still want to have some sort of celebration but keep it a secret. And you say that they'll grumble even about another sort of party.

If they're that judgemental anyway do you really care whether you're inivted to any family events

I had a "small" wedding with 32 people - and it did indeed involve all the hassle you're seeking to avoid. Just like having a baby / child-raising everyone has got an opinion on how you should do your wedding. I'm sort of presuming you're not really close to your siblings - if you were I'm sure you'd be able to explain and they'd understand and respect your wishes, if anyone gets offended / upset - I think frankly they're prioritising their needs/wants over yours. This is your wedding. Stick to your guns. I wouldn't be inclined to tell them in advance as it gives the chance to open all of that up - a bit like on here with people seeking to change your mind. You could send them a photo card after the event declaring your new status and that you'd just had a quiet personal do.