Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

[ChampagneLassie]

I had a "small" wedding with 32 people - and it did indeed involve all the hassle you're seeking to avoid. Just like having a baby / child-raising everyone has got an opinion on how you should do your wedding. I'm sort of presuming you're not really close to your siblings - if you were I'm sure you'd be able to explain and they'd understand and respect your wishes, if anyone gets offended / upset - I think frankly they're prioritising their needs/wants over yours. This is your wedding. Stick to your guns. I wouldn't be inclined to tell them in advance as it gives the chance to open all of that up - a bit like on here with people seeking to change your mind. You could send them a photo card after the event declaring your new status and that you'd just had a quiet personal do.

[TractorAndHeadphones]

@Herecomesthebrideagain

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

Honestly if this is the reason you put of getting married you're overthinking it. There's nothing stopping you from popping down to the registry office, in t-shirt and jeans (yes, friends of mine have actually done this) and as you said earlier pulling two witnesses off the street. I've known plenty of people who have done this and nobody had an issue

The issue here is that you still want to have some sort of celebration but keep it a secret. And you say that they'll grumble even about another sort of party.

If they're that judgemental anyway do you really care whether you're inivted to any family events

[Kitkat151]

@Herecomesthebrideagain

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

So why not just do it the two of you....no pomp....no ceremony....excluding family will end in tears ultimately....It will never be forgotten that you chose others over them.....but your choice always..... but I realise that family doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.... family is absolutely everything to me..... but people are different ... good luck

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

Thanks to Houseofmarvels, Sally and 2Gen for your support. I must admit, all this thinking about it does make me feel like eloping or just cancelling the damn thing altogether (no wonder we put off getting married for so long! We knew it could become an issue for us)

I know people have suggested following up or preceding the marriage with a family get-together, but I don't think that would work as they will no doubt chunter about not being invited to the marriage ceremony. I think I have to be brave and accept, if we do it our way, we will not please everyone.

And if we do it the other way - have a wedding with up to 30 people, we won't please ourselves and would probably not bother getting married at all. My partner in particular hates pomp and ceremony especially where he is the centre of attention.

[2Gen]

P.S. I've just read that your parents are deceased. I'm sorry for my mistake and I still think YANBU!

[2Gen]

YANBU!
You've very valid reasons for wanting the wedding ye want and I do agree, if ye can't invite all the family, it's best invite none of them. It'd only cause bad feeling and complaining from the ones left out, or your mother would be on at you that you MUST invite great-auntie Mary and your second cousins twice removed or they'd be very offended! Next thing you know, your guest list would be longer than your arm, your wedding would be costing ye a fortune and the stress would nearly make you ready to elope! Sure, no one needs that!
I think that very small weddings will start to become more popular now, as people haven't the money for the big dos so much anymore.
Have a lovely day for yourselves and may your marriage be a long and happy one! God bless!

[SallyWD]

Everyone has a different idea of how a wedding should be. Your friend clearly has different ideas to you. We got married in a registry office with 2 friends as witnesses then we went to our house for a take away afterwards. My DH and I spent 1 night at a castle. To me this was absolutely perfect and my parents were fine with it (they'd had exactly the same wedding themselves!!). Some friends just couldn't understand it. They couldn't believe I didn't want to be a "princess" for a day. I can't think of anything worse! I hate any sort of attention or fuss. My oldest school friend told me I'd denied her of a wedding, of being a bridesmaid, of organising my hen do and she was deeply hurt. The thing is this was nothing to do with her! It was what me and my husband wanted and I've no regrets at all. Do whatever feels right for you. Ignore everyone else.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

If you did a civil partnership you could do it as a buffet or barbecue when its warmer.. much more informal than a wedding, just a regular family get together type thing.

[Thehouseofmarvels]

I have a great idea ! I read somewhere you can have a civil partnership and upgrade to a mariage ! So how about this as a perfect solution... you have a civil partnership with your family in attendance. You invite them to the house or else where for a family get together. Then you have your perfect low key wedding the week after. You could write vows for the civil partnership and wear your wedding dress. Then you don't feel you have to conform to wedding expectations as it is a civil partnership ! You can tell your family you have separated the wedding into two legal processes so you can keep things intimate and low key.

[Nanny0gg]

@KaycePollard

I agree with your friend. I think it’s sad.

I was expecting a massive back story but instead you’re keeping your wedding a secret from your parents and your siblings? If I were them, I’d be really deeply hurt.

Surely uou can accommodate your parents , at least?

The OP has pointed out more than once that their parents are dead

[TractorAndHeadphones]

OP ultimately you don’t want to put yourself out in any way for your family
PP have suggested having a party later, or having a larger venue (it’s not hard to find ‘a’ venue that has capacity for 30 people).

But all you seem to want is your ‘low key’ wedding with 8 people full stop. No room for anything else.

Which however way you put it shows that you don’t really care about celebrating with your family.

Fair enough for you to do it - but fair enough for them to feel offended. Yours might not be so much because it’s your second wedding but your DP’s might.

[Kitkat151]

As long as you are not worried about your families being frosty with you When they eventually find out then it sounds fine..

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

@CrimbleCrumble1

A lunch or larger afternoon tea for 25 doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. I think inviting friends instead of family is giving a clear message to your relatives that you prefer to have your friends there instead of them.

How many times do I have to say it?

We want it to be low key! low key! Low key to me means 1 table in a venue for afternoon tea, not booking out a whole restaurant for up to 30 people. I don't think the venue could even accommodate that many people as on the day we're going for, they don't have capacity for a big party (I did ask. I asked for a private room. No go, but they could offer me a table in the restaurant in a nice place).

[CrimbleCrumble1]

A lunch or larger afternoon tea for 25 doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. I think inviting friends instead of family is giving a clear message to your relatives that you prefer to have your friends there instead of them.

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

Quick recap in case you haven't read any of my other posts here:

We have no parents - all died;
We would rather have siblings as guests over friends if only we had fewer than 10 of them (which we don't);
We don't want a big, fussy complicated wedding (and when numbers go over 10 it is heading that way);
We are going to tell our families beforehand that we're going to do it.

I sincerely appreciate all comments and advice but if you haven't, please read my posts first before adding anything.

[ClaudiaJ1]

@KaycePollard

I agree with your friend. I think it’s sad.

I was expecting a massive back story but instead you’re keeping your wedding a secret from your parents and your siblings? If I were them, I’d be really deeply hurt.

Surely uou can accommodate your parents , at least?

@KaycePollard Are you unable to read OP's posts? She has no parents. Her second post (and she's only posted 10 times, so you should have at least clicked on See all under her name to see all OP posts on this thread) she said:

We have no parents left sad

Please read all OPs posts before commenting!

[DixonD]

We did this, and don’t regret it but some family members still resent us (particularly on my DH’s side as I’m the in-law, I get most of the blame).

Your plans sound lovely.

[maofteens]

I think your plans are fine other than keeping it a secret. If you explained your reasons to me I'd accept them, but might feel a bit put out that you would not even tell me you were getting married!

[WeAllHaveWings]

@Knackeredmommy

Congratulations! I think you should do what you want to do, it's your day. They're some great "we eloped" cards out there that you can send after the event. Sounds like bliss to me, no hassle or stress

They aren't eloping though are they? They are having a wedding, just inviting friends and not family. So sending a we "eloped card" would be both a lie and very poor taste.

they can do what they want, but they should be aware of the possible hurt their siblings will feel. If they are happy with that, then they should go for it.

[Knackeredmommy]

Congratulations! I think you should do what you want to do, it's your day. They're some great "we eloped" cards out there that you can send after the event. Sounds like bliss to me, no hassle or stress

[MrsSkylerWhite]

KaycePollard

I agree with your friend. I think it’s sad.

I was expecting a massive back story but instead you’re keeping your wedding a secret from your parents and your siblings? If I were them, I’d be really deeply hurt.

Surely uou can accommodate your parents , at least?“

Parents have passed away. Perhaps apologise for not reading?

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

@Thehouseofmarvels

I should say my parents declined to go to the chateau to celebrate the couple after not making the cut for the wedding. What I mean to say is be honest with your family that friends are priority, have the wedding of your dreams. Just be aware people might get annoyed.. any fall out may very well be worth it for the perfect day but best to be prepared.

Just to clarify - it's not that friends are the priority here. In fact if we had fewer siblings and could just invite 8 or so people, we would have them in preference to friends. It's because there are too many of them (and we couldn't leave anyone out - and certainly not partners of siblings).

As I've said before, all we want is a really small group of people where we can all sit on a single table and have engaging conversation (so no having to make small talk with strangers). It is also easier to book a venue etc when there is just a small group and a larger group would need more planning. We don't want the hassle. We don't want a photographer. We don't want gifts. We don't want speeches. We don't want hen and stag dos. We don't want to spend an eye-watering amount of money. All we want is to get the legal bit done (Registry office) and then have afternoon tea in a beautiful venue with a handful of close friends.

However we are going to tell family beforehand what we are doing, so it will not be a secret. I suspect there will be a mix of reactions and I'm sure some disappointment, but I'm hoping that especially as I've been married before with a large wedding, they will accept I want to keep this one very low key.

[notanothertakeaway]

You're obviously entitled to celebrate how you like, but if you choose not to invite family, you can't pretemd to be surprised if they're hurt by that

Budget needn't be an issue. You can have tea and cake at home if that's the only way to accommodate people you want there

[Fatgalslim]

@tillytown

TheLette - if my sister got married and didn't bother to tell me (I don't care about being invited, just being told its happening), I'd assume she wanted to go no contact, so I totally understand why your sister is angry, how don't you see this?

How strange, my sister would just congratulate us and be happy for us. To jump to assuming you want no contact is a bit odd

[LookItsMeAgain]

How about have the wedding that you want and a month or two after the actual day, invite the families around for a bit of a party? You can say to them that you got married, wanted to keep it very small and as you've no parents, it was kept to two couples from both sides and you hope that they would understand and you're delighted that they could all come now to celebrate your great news?
Would that be something that you could do?