Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

I think it sounds lovely, but if you are close to any of your siblings, it could hurt their feelings if your invite friends but not them, especially to not tell them it’s happening. Depends on your relationship with them.

I think you should be able to do what you like, but personally I think that not inviting siblings is a recipe for disaster. I'd either:

1. Invite only your best couple friends as witnesses; or
2. Invite siblings and your 8 besties. No need to include sibling partners.

We decided when we got married (second time around for us both) that we just wanted to make a commitment to each other, and so went abroad and literally asked the first couple we met in the hotel if they would act as witnessed. We thought that our Mums (both Dad's already deceased) would accept it, as 1) It was abroad and 2) They'd both seen us wed before. As it was, his Mum was as grumpy as could be and took a while to get over it, and I broke my poor Mum's heart!! She hid it from me at the time, and wished us well, but I could just tell that she'd have given anything to be there, and when she died only 3 years later, I regretted desperately that she hadn't been there. If you don't invite anyone else, I would strongly recommend you invite parents, as they won't be around for ever. Plus, if he's never been married before, it seems selfish for his parents to not seem him get married. Just thoughts from my own experience.

An extra 15-20? Is that all? I thought you would have said an extra 50. 15-20 is nothing.

We eloped in the summer. Just us. 2 strangers and witnesses. Best day ever. No fuss, just how we wanted it. This is your day, no-one else's. Do it your way

Honestly if one of my siblings got married without me, I'd be upset. If the reasoning was because you wanted to limit numbers and cost, but then you had 8 friends you managed to invite and pay for, I'd honestly be pretty offended. If a friend told me their sibling had got married without telling or inviting them, I'd assume their relationship wasn't good. Your friend is right, it is sad that, assuming you get on with your siblings you wouldn't want them to celebrate an important occasion with you.

If you can afford to pay for afternoon tea for 10, and an overnight stay in a 'wonderful' hotel for 2 couples you could instead afford to pay for siblings to at least see you out of the registry office (even if they couldn't attend the ceremony) and a lunch at a nice pub. Even if you only invited actual siblings and not their partners. Personally I would be more than happy to pay for my own lunch (or afternoon tea), particularly if you're not wanting presents, and wouldn't consider that 'subsidising' your wedding.

This is all assuming you get on with and like your siblings. If you don't, fair enough, do what you want. If you do though, honestly, I would be prepared for the relationship between you and your siblings to suffer if/when they find out. Up to you if an afternoon tea is worth that.

I was going to suggest parents, but as there are none then go ahead and enjoy your day. It sounds lovely (we also had a small wedding).

Sounds wonderful. As a MIL in all practical ways, they’re hoping to finally marry in the New Year. Wouldn’t be offended in the slightest.

Oh heck, this is all food for thought. I've just had a chat with my partner about this and we're both adamant we don't want a big do (or bigger than it currently is, with 8 guests). I think if it were a choice between having a larger do (24 - 30 guests) or not getting married at all, we'd opt for the latter.

One thing that has cropped up in replies is the secrecy element and I think I am feeling bothered by that. I think it will come down to the fact I will tell my family we're getting married but there will be no wedding.

Forgot to say - I'm actually in the camp where I think very close friends should be invited instead of siblings, unless you are very close to siblings.

At our small wedding we invited my exDH's brother and his partner. A few years later there was a major fall-out and ex and his brother haven't spoken a word for over 20 years (they were never close). I would have been sad if we had knocked a good friend off the guest list for him.

I think you can still have the wedding you want, but just explain it to them. Any hurt feelings about not being included in the upcoming event will be far far lesser than finding out you married secretly. (My sibling married without telling family and it was one of the final straws in us not really having a relationship anymore.)

So you have about five siblings each if it means 20 people? 😳

I sometimes think people undervalue sibling relationships, they are in most cases, the longest relationships any of us will have during our lives. I think it is sad that someone would get married in secret inviting friends but not family.

@CharlotteMaytimes

I think you can still have the wedding you want, but just explain it to them. Any hurt feelings about not being included in the upcoming event will be far far lesser than finding out you married secretly. (My sibling married without telling family and it was one of the final straws in us not really having a relationship anymore.)

Yes I think this is what we're now minded to do (thank you to the good people of MN). We'll work out a way of explaining to family what we're doing. I'm sure it won't prevent some people feeling hurt but hopefully it will be better than doing it secretively and everyone finding out about it afterwards.

@3WildOnes

I would be upfront but also prepared that some of your siblings could find this very hurtful and it may irreparably damage your relationships with them.

No, it shouldn't.

BIL married his wife , unbeknownst to anyone other than parents.

It's what they wanted.

We were ecstatic for them when we found out!

Your wedding plan sounds lovely OP. We got married last month and invited mainly friends and just a few close family members (only 16 guests in total). It was lovely spending the day with people we felt comfortable with and there was no awkwardness or having to make small talk with people we hardly see. I’m sure you will have the best day and if family members feel put out by not being invited then that’s their problem- we just used covid as an excuse not to invite loads of people!

My daughter went off to Gretna Green to get married. They went with 4 close friends.
They weren't supposed to tell anyone else till after, but (she is terrible at keeping secrets) she asked me to go somewhere with her & it turned out to be her final dress fitting. I was sad to miss her special day, but understood its how they wanted to do it. They did have a party a month or so later for family. I gave my other daughter away when she married, so I've kind of played mother & 'father' of the bride.
If I ever marry my partner I'd want it to be just us & a couple of witnesses.
It's your special day so it's about you & your husband. You do it the way you both want.

@herecomesthebrideagain You say you will tell your family there will be no wedding. If they ask who the witnesses will be will you lie and say people off the street ? Will you tell them 8 friends but no wedding... for them. If you are going to lie to them and tell them you are getting witnesses of the street will you tell your friends not to put anything on social media or to tell people who might know your siblings because you have lied to your families? Or will you be honest and tell them your friends are more important. Best to be honest.

DroopyClematis

3WildOnes
I would be upfront but also prepared that some of your siblings could find this very hurtful and it may irreparably damage your relationships with them.“

Why on earth would it? If you love someone, you’d want them to have the wedding day they wanted.

Probably best to spell out to your familes that the exact plan, number of friends and why you are inviting the friends over them. Hopefully they will be understanding, happy for you, get you lovely gifts ect.

I think this has the potential to cause a lot of hurt. We were in the same boat - big families - so eloped, just the two of us, with strangers as witnesses. Noone was singled out and everyone was treated the same, so no hurt feelings.

OP what are your sibling relationships like?
For the sake of family ties you should probably invite your siblings. No partners. They may decline anyway but at least you'll have invited them.

@flowery

Not even your parents? I think if a friend of mine was having a small wedding with 8 people and parents weren’t included I’d assume they’d fallen out or something.

That was my first thought too. Surely parents and grandparents should be there and siblings. Unless there is a problem with family. I'd be devastated not to be there at my child's wedding.

For those of you who've commented that an extra 15 - 20 people is no big deal, it does in our minds change the dynamics of our planned marriage. The friends we have invited are all local (except the one couple who are staying with us overnight at the country hotel), whereas all our family will have to travel (mostly UK based but 2 siblings live abroad).

So as well as the extra cost, there is the extra hassle factor in ensuring travel arrangements, hotel bookings for people to stay, and it will be incumbent on us to entertain / host / look after all these visitors too, whereas the local friends will join us for the Registry bit and afternoon tea and then can shoot off back home early evening.

If we could do this thing with just 8 family siblings we would! (and we would prioritise them over our friends). But to keep it to 8, some siblings won't be able to make the cut and knowing you've been left out of family would be even worse. At least with us inviting only friends, no-one in the family gets to feel left out (or at least they all feel left out together).

PS in case you missed it, we have no parents left (or indeed grand parents).

Will you tell your siblings that you are inviting your friends? Are there any among the 10? ( you said more than 8) siblings who might react negatively in any way or would none likely care ?