Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

You are planning very closely what DH and I did.

We went to a country house hotel, did the ceremony with just us, our 2 kids, each set of our parents. Our siblings were angry but we aren't close to them so we didn't lose sleep over it.

My parents took the kids home after afternoon tea, DH and I stayed 2 more nights at the hotel doing spa, dinners and drinks.

Wouldn't have changed a thing.

Do what makes you happy, sod everyone else.

Friends of ours did this. Got married in a tiny ceremony. BUT about a week later they had a big pub lunch (billed as a birthday to family & friends) and announced they were married. So everyone heard at the same time and had the chance to enjoy a meal together but no gifts / seating plans / fuss about clothes and bridesmaids etc.

No bad fallout and everyone was v happy for them.

Just tell the siblings before and mention to the guests you have 15-20 siblings and partners so nobody quietly speculates that you have fallen out with your families. Your siblings might be upset but you could have a family party the next weekend ? You could let them celebrate, bring presents ect on another day. If you tell them a year after it happens they might be hurt at the secret. Some people consider their friends more important than family, hopefully they will understand.

Fine to do it however you like. The keeping it a secret from your family is the problematic bit.

I think you should just get married with two witnesses and have a party later when you can afford it than do this half-way house. You’re just going to piss people off with this plan

I think it would have helped if you'd mentioned in the OP that neither of you still had any parents - would have saved the whole of P1 at least

In theory, I agree that it is your day, and to do what you want.
In practice, I would be incredibly hurt if one of my siblings snuck off and got married without inviting me. I mean, maybe you don't like any of them and so that doesn't matter to you - we all reply o these threads thinking of our own situations.
However, as a friend, I would totally understand if someone said "We are having a tiny wedding, so only inviting our siblings as we no longer have our parents" but I would feel very uncomfortable with "We are only inviting friends, no siblings" if there hadn't been some major falling out / non-contact.

I think you know this, hence the secrecy, and then asking on an internet forum. I can't see you'd do either if you were confident it was the best thing to do.

We had a lockdown wedding in Aug 2020 and I didn’t invite my granny and grandpa as I was worried they’d feel obliged to come and then get seriously ill. Unfortunately they aren’t speaking to me as they were so hurt at being excluded. We only had 15 guests.

This very much depends on your relationship with your family. Are they going to go ballistic if you don't invite them? Is there maybe one person you'd rather not have there but can't leave them out if you invite the others? It can be simpler and cheaper to just have close friends. It's not sad!

I think your idea of a small quiet wedding is lovely. However, consider letting the family know you're getting married (but not too soon before the event!) and doing it very low key. Most people who know and love you will understand and wish you well. It wouldn't offend me if my sister decided to do it this way and we are close.

As there are no parents I think this is fine but be up front, tell your siblings you intend to get married as a personal thing for the two of you and you don't want a do or gifts. They will most likely respect that and be secretly relieved and if they strop about it, well that's on them because you've been honest and frank.

Imagine if you go to an important family event like someone elses wedding or christmas and someone asks you in front of everyone. You then have to lie or tell everyone assembled that you are married. You could ruin someone's even by doing a big reveal or damage someone's trust because they find out you lied. Do any of your friends know any of your siblings? Could your siblings hear it via other people ? Or do you live miles from any sibling? Would you ban your friends from tagging you in photos online ? If your friends could not put any photos online would that not raise eyebrows? As if you don't have social media rules yr siblings will see from photos on facebook ect ! If not siblings then teenage nieces and nephews ?

If you don’t tell siblings you neeed to have an ultra tight “no pics/mention of it on social media” chat with all of your friends otherwise it WILL come out and you will look like a complete cow. I really do think you should tell them. Invite just siblings no partners, on a Wednesday, half of them might not come 😉

Or, try and increase the budget a bit and invite all. Chances are they’l all give cash as a wedding present so you won’t be out of pocket

We found it easier to invite nobody.

No arguments or drama, just us two.

It was lovely, wouldn’t change it for any big white wedding!

Are you close with your siblings?

It’s your day you do what you want but not even telling them after the fact is bizarre- waiting for them to ask if you’re planning on getting married, they may never ask!!

I’d be so hurt if I were your siblings.

I’d either invite nobody or siblings and friends. The secret thing is weird.

If you want to keep this a secret I think a blanket ban on anything being posted online by your friends. If your siblings find out a year later and look on the profiles for your friends and see lots of wedding pictures it won't help. If there are 15-20 people siblings and partners someone could look up your best friends that you have told them were there.

Unless you aren't at all close to any of your siblings, I wouldn't do this. Difference between eloping and inviting friends to celebrate but not siblings. I think it would cause irreparable damage to my relationship with my siblings- but we are very close.

Imagine if your siblings find out you got married from facebook! You tell them they were not supposed to know just after they have seen you and all your mates dressed up. Or if one of their partners tells someone who knows one of your siblings down the pub. You need to enact fight club rules. ' the first rule of this wedding is that you do not talk about this wedding'. Deffo drum it into your friends no social media no blabbing your siblings must not find out !

Im all for having your wedding as you want it.. but how will you feel about it if it causes fall outs and upsets? I would hate my marriage to be the cause of anyone else’s misery. I invited 2 people to my wedding that I didn’t really want there but the fall out or bad feeling it would have caused would have marred my memories of what was an amazing day.

If you think the siblings and partners won’t mind then tell them beforehand (which will also save them citing the secrecy as the reason they are upset). If you think they will be upset and you don’t care about falling out with them then go ahead.

Sounds great tome. It's your day. do it your way.

If you have no parents then yes. Otherwise I’d have said it was sad that his parents weren’t there at his first wedding.

We got married with just 4 guests - both mothers (widowed) , my daughter and DH's brother. We then had a high tea with champagne at a wonderful hotel with other family members and a massive party the following weekend for our friends.

You do whatever feels right for you, it's your wedding day and you deserve to enjoy it!

Congratulations and best wishes 💐 x

a small whit(ish) lie we have decided to get married in a registry office we don't want a fuss & frankly we can't afford it
but
(perhaps later in the year - ahem -post covid winter etc, we could meet up & have a picnic/bbq/tea at out house etc aka when we can afford it)

I was not at two of my siblings weddings . Years on it still hurts .
But if you are happy and this is what you really want then do it.
I hope the outfit fits and you have a lovely time..

It sounds perfect unless you're close to your siblings/ partners. But even then it sounds perfect tbh