Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

But I don't understand why it would be on you to arrange and pay for travel and hotel arrangements? That's not standard for weddings; the couple issue invites; guests arrange and pay their own way. I would still invite your siblings, if the hassle and cost of travel and stay is too much for them, that's a decision they can make (and you can make clear you fully understand). Not giving them the choice to make themselves is what may upset them.

Elope?

Could you ask your 10? Siblings to come without partners and fund/ organise their own travel ? If organising and paying for this is the problem ? Then its only 18 people. Still small.

@Thehouseofmarvels

Could you ask your 10? Siblings to come without partners and fund/ organise their own travel ? If organising and paying for this is the problem ? Then its only 18 people. Still small.

Argh! I think asking siblings but telling them their partners are not invited would go down even worse!

I'm not sure where you got the idea of all this extra fuss being needed OP! Your only job is to issue the invitations, organise event and host during.. Travel, hotel bookings and what people do before or after the wedding are the guests' job not yours.

Unless you're from a family dynamic where they expect lots of attention.

Also :

1. In the run up to a wedding the couple are obviously tpo busy planning to host or enterain anyone!
2. plenty of people leave right after it for the honeymoon

No reasonable person would expect you to entertain them, planning is busy and stressful enough!

I think your plan sounds lovely. Go for it. It’s your day. If people are upset or offended that’s their problem not yours. It’s not personal that you are not inviting them so if they take it personally that’s their stuff. You could pre warn them but I don’t think it’s necessary. At some point, if it comes up, you could say ‘oh we did get married but wanted no fuss so didn’t tell anyone’

We wanted to do this. Our families live in six different countries and us in another which by itself is expensive and stressful wherever we did it, then stick COVID on top. We just wanted a nice day with as little fuss or stress as possible

In the end we compromised and had 3 out of the 4 parents, one couldn’t because of restrictions on re-entry. We also had a live video stream and sent out photo books to close family afterwards

It added a lot of expense. 5k for parents flights, tests and extra spending compared to 1k for the whole wedding but I think it was worth it

We still got out day how we wanted a civil ceremony by a lake with a picnic afterwards with our friends, just got into share it with our parents as well.

Everyone was fine with this, I could tell SIL was a bit disappointed and I understand why but she didn’t express it and I asked a cousin not to come in respect of that. The cousins being able to afford it and SIL not, and the cousin got this

*we couldn’t stretch to SIL and her family and then BIL and his

I agree with your friend. I think it’s sad.

I was expecting a massive back story but instead you’re keeping your wedding a secret from your parents and your siblings? If I were them, I’d be really deeply hurt.

Surely uou can accommodate your parents , at least?

We did something like this for my second wedding, but I told my relatives ahead of time and since most were in the US, and I was married in the Uk, it was totally fine. I might explain what you are doing, but you should have the day as you’d like.

So as well as the extra cost, there is the extra hassle factor in ensuring travel arrangements, hotel bookings for people to stay, and it will be incumbent on us to entertain / host / look after all these visitors too

Another who isn't sure where you've got this idea from. That isn't your responsibility. You invite people and they decide whether to come or not and make their own arrangements for travel, accommodation etc.

I think you will cause quite a lot of hurt inviting 8 people, but none of your family. Far more than if the two of you go off and use strangers for witnesses, or even if you as a couple invite 2 people who are close to you as your witnesses. By inviting 8, you are stating these people are more important than your family - which they might be, but you need to own that if neither of you like your siblings.

It's the secrecy that causes the problems. You're adults so tell them what you are doing. My brother did something similar not once but twice and it has caused no end of issues. None of us cared we weren't invited but it was incredibly hurtful to find out from other people he had got married. He couldn't even be arsed to send a text but expected to be included in everyone else's family events subsequently. Brace yourself if you keep this a secret.

@KaycePollard

I agree with your friend. I think it’s sad.

I was expecting a massive back story but instead you’re keeping your wedding a secret from your parents and your siblings? If I were them, I’d be really deeply hurt.

Surely uou can accommodate your parents , at least?

Op has now said at least three times that her parents and her fiancé's parents are all dead.

It would be considerate to read her posts at least, so she doesn't have to keep repeating it.

If my brother didn't invite me to his wedding I'd take it as statement. A statement that we're clearly not very close at all, and that 8 friends are more important.
If that's a statement you want to make, carry on as you are.

We did this but with parents only. Otherwise a secret. It was super low key. Most siblings and friends ok with it and not remotely bothered but one kicked off, made a massive fuss and we still are very awkward over a year later. Her attitude really annoyed me as I wanted something low key and I felt she turned it into the drama I didn't want, making it somehow about her or what it should have been. I don't regret my decision but annoyed at her reaction still. So just be prepared for the fallout.

Get married with just a couple of witnesses on the day and go somewhere nice, just the two of you.

Tell family and say you will have family bbq to celebrate in summer when everyone is next over.

Tell friends and have a meal out to celebrate a few days later.

You get your celebrations and family doesnt feel excluded.

Pretty horrible to not tell your family. When you look back in 10 years many of those friends won't be friends and although siblings are quite often difficult, they're likely to be in your life for far longer let alone nieces and nephews. You could just invite siblings, they all know each other and if they don't want to come they don't have to. You could even invite them just to the ceremony.

I went to a small wedding last year. Everyone says they're lovely but it was far too intense, only 20 of us so you couldn't wander off for 5 minutes to get a breather and all stuck together making endless small talk with the same 5 people. It was good that there were relatives there because as friends we didn't really have anything in common but the couple.

TheLette - if my sister got married and didn't bother to tell me (I don't care about being invited, just being told its happening), I'd assume she wanted to go no contact, so I totally understand why your sister is angry, how don't you see this?

Secrecy is not a good idea. Better to gently introduce the idea into conversation:

"We've been thinking about marrying. We don't want a big fuss though, just down the registry office with a few witnesses."

Keep the details vague.

I would be devastated if my own sister did not invite me to her wedding but invited friends. I would happily go without DH and DC though.

I would be devastated if my own sister did not invite me to her wedding but invited friends.

This.

I'm close to all my siblings, but this would send me a signal that she didn't want to have me in her life. I'd not be in touch.

Do you really want to cause a breach in your family?

YANBU That sounds lovely. Go for it!

Can’t you invite siblings to the wedding and afternoon tea and if they can can make it then they can buy don’t get involved in their travel or overnight plans?

I understand why you don't want a huge wedding. However, not inviting your closest living family members (siblings) but inviting friends instead sends them a bloody big message about where you prioritise your siblings versus your friends. I have four siblings and would be aghast to not be invited - it would probably impact negatively on our relationship for a really long time because I would genuinely think they'd rather exclude their sisters and brothers (assuming there are currently good relationships) so that they could accommodate their friends. It is of course your own choice. Not a road I'd like to walk, as my siblings would forever think we were not, actually, close at all.