Wedding very small do, not inviting family - AIBU

[Herecomesthebrideagain]

My partner and I are having a very small, cosy wedding next year (my second marriage and he hasn't been married at all).

We're both on the same page in that we want as little fuss, pomp & ceremony and stress as possible. Also we don't have a lot of spare money to have a big & elaborate do; we want to do something within budget without having to ask our guests to subsidise our day in any way.

We originally thought of going to the Registry office and pulling in 2 witnesses from the street, but now we want to do this with a handful of close friends, followed by afternoon tea (for us + 8 people) and overnight stay in a wonderful country hotel (us and our best friends couple). We don't want any hen or stag dos, presents, and my outfit is already in my wardrobe (but I do need to lose a stone to get into it - i have time).

When I told one of the invitees about the plan, we explained we couldn't do it with family as I have a very large family which would extinguish any possibility of a small wedding (and I'd hate to ask only some family and exclude others - it's just not on). So we explained it would be a few close friends only and it was to be kept a secret from the family for obvious reasons.

However my friend that I mentioned it to, took me slightly aback when she commented - "what, not telling the family? How sad!"

We don't think it's sad as we're planning to have a small ceremony that will be very special for us and comfortable to manage (and less stress and affordable) - but what do you all think?

You must do what makes you happy but be prepared for some very sad, hurt and potentially angry family members.
I know I’d be completely gutted if my sibling chose friends over me to be at her wedding. It would change the nature of our relationship.
BUT that’s my family. I wouldn’t even contemplate doing what you’re planning. If you’re confident it’s not going to negatively impact your relationships then go for it.

@burnoutbabe

at the very least invite parents? most parents would be gutted to not be invited (siblings probably much less)

(unless parents are all divorced and hate each other of course)

And to keep it a secret rather than treat them like grown ups is hurtful to them too.

The parents have all died.

It’s your wedding - don’t what makes you happy. There were six people at our wedding (my first, my husband was a widower): my husband’s children and two witnesses (the children’s godparents), followed by a delightful wedding lunch. We had an amazing day and don’t regret a thing.

Hmmm I don’t know
I am generally all for “do what you want”
But the secrecy and all that jazz isn’t really cool and you are setting yourself up for fall outs with siblings.

The poster who said you are kicking the can down the road is right, it will be a problem when people find out.

if it’s £20 pp for afternoon tea that’s about another £400. In the grand scheme of things I think it is worth considering this, as i think most people would be offended and hurt if a sibling didn’t invite them.

If it’s a budget issue and £400 if not possible you could do registry office and then bring a few cool bags with champagne/cava and cupcakes or snacks and have a small reception in the park before disbanding and wedding party head off for afternoon tea.

We had a 35 person code wedding and tbh it was really a nice size. It was buzzy without it being too massive and we remembered the whole day

My DC pulled two witness off the street, absolutely fine because no one was being excluded.

Friends only ? I'd feel hurt if I'm honest but probably because we are close. What are your relationships like with the siblings?

My brother did this. I found out when they posted their wedding pictures on fb. It was incredibly hurtful and our relationship will never recover. You can invite who you like but I'd speak to them and explain your reasoning before. If my brother had done so I would have understood.

I think if you do it with a group of other people then your siblings, at least some of them, are likely to be offended.

Doing it with just two witnesses is very different to inviting people and not including immediate family.

You could cross the two ideas to avoid any offence if you're worried - have the wedding with two witnesses. Tell everyone, then invite your close friends for the afternoon tea.

Could you afford to invite the siblings minus partners?

I don’t think your plan is bad but the secrecy is a bit weird.

If you’re okay with what you’re doing then I don’t see why you wouldn’t tell your siblings.

Do you get on with any of them on either side?

We had a very small wedding, just family. I’m all for doing what you want. But I don’t see why you’re keeping it secret and the numbers aren’t huge in your case even it it was just siblings age other halves - assuming you like them. If you can’t afford afternoon tea for that number then do something different. DIY scones and cakes or pizza or everyone bring a dish type of thing.

Sounds absolutely wonderful. Do it your way.

If you both have no parents I think that sounds lovely.

I would expect your siblings to be hurt at not being invited, when you are inviting your friends. To then also keep this secret, will add to this hurt
If you both want to have good relationships with your families, I would invite your family to the registry office & afternoon tea. How does your partner feel about not inviting his family when it's his first time marrying?

Sounds like my wedding which was 25 years ago. Just us, our parents, my sister and brother in law.

Like you I’d been married previously, he hadn’t, and as much as anything, I didn’t feel I could stand up in front of the same people again and make the same vows!

The only people who knew were those who were there. There were a few noses out of joint, but we knew that would happen.

Silver anniversary next month and no regrets!

My friend’s brother did this and she was devastated. It really damaged their relationship for a while.

It sounds lovely OP. Don't let anyone pressure you into "extending" it beyond exactly what you want. People tend to do that - because they bankrupted themselves for a wedding day, they want others to do the same.

We did similar (only with a lot less people than you ) and we don't regret it for a second. We were young, poor, and had a ridiculous quantity of immediate family - and weren't particularly close to any of them. Family all got over it and we had a brilliant day.

I think eloping with witnesses off the street is different to planning a small wedding and not telling anyone about it.

Only you know your siblings and can guess potential reactions.
If it were my sibling, I’d have liked to know in advance and be able to wish them well.
Being told afterwards as well as not being on the guest list would be a double snub that I’d struggle to get over. Being told it’s a low key second wedding that you’re just inviting a few friends too would just be polite.

You should have the wedding you want.
Weddings are for the two people getting married and should not come with stress and debt.
I hope you have a lovely day and live happily ever after. X

it's your day - have a great time

A few years ago there was a MN appeal for 2 witnesses for a wedding. It was very special. Just sayin'

We did similar, it was my second wedding and I really, really didn't want any 'fuss'. We did invite parents, one sibling and one friend.... we told the other siblings and no one seemed offended (or at least they didn't tell us they were ) so it wasn't a 'secret'. My own DB got married abroad, we weren't invited thank goodness absolutely no offence taken.

An online friend of mine did this, I thought it was a great idea. That was exactly what she wanted.

Do it

I regret complying with family wishes when what I really wanted was a day like yours

It's your day and no one else gets a say, make yourselves happy because nobody else will put you first in their plans

Are you both one of 7/8 siblings? Tbh I can’t imagine that so it’s hard to say if it’s unreasonable. I guess if you’re both from such huge families you’ll both be used to not being able to include all your siblings in things.

I think it sounds lovely! Some family members may make a fuss about not being invited, but that's their issue. It should be what you want to do, not worrying about who's going to take offence. If you haven't invited just some family and excluded others, that's fine.