Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

[Ftm229]

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

From your last post it sounds like he gets FOMO - he can't stand the Idea of missing out on any fun. Unfortunately you and his baby aren't fun (in his eyes). I think you're married to my ex!

I also notice that he works long hours to make up the time he takes off for his hobbies. That's more time away from the family working so he can spend more time away with his chums. Nice. How on earth does he think he's going to be primary carer whilst you work? That looks like a pipedream I'm afraid.

I think you have to say you are concerned about his ability to be primary carer. Hobbies and friends do come up and he says yes, then adds work hours elsewhere to compensate, THEN he’s available at home. That’s not high enough on the priority list to be the responsible parent. You’re not high on the priority list - he’s not thinking of you. You have to ask him to leave a party for a couple of hours. You have to ask him not to do days away, and he thinks not disappearing for weeks is the best he can do. If he’s home all day with a baby and the house will he feel
Even more owed his weekends away and hobbies as after all they are his top priority and he’s not putting them first as much as before so needs to compensatw on weekends? While you get to work, come home and do parenting so he can hobby, then parent all weekend so he can fun/hobby? I think you need to explain these work plans need to go on ice and you will start looking at childcare if you can’t trust him to step up. You’re not the boss of him, that’s true, but unless he’s acting like your partner you’re also not stepping into a situation that will wear you out.

He made his 37 week pregnant wife stay at a party until 1am? Then you had a 1.5 hour drive home? Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately his good qualities don’t include consideration to others though.

I think you’d live to regret him going part time when he sees you as default parent. It just gives him more time to do his hobby.

Dh used to shoot (clay pigeons only, no animals were harmed) and I’d say 75% of the men at the club were either divorced, in the process of being divorced or never married. The rest the wives had taken up shooting just so they saw their husbands at the weekends. Mens hobbies seem to consume them.

@Beefcurtains79

He made his 37 week pregnant wife stay at a party until 1am? Then you had a 1.5 hour drive home? Jesus Christ.

Yikes! This really doesn’t seem like something a ‘lovely’ person would do.

Doing something shitty then saying ‘whoops I didn’t realise’ later seems to be this guy’s MO.

@Beefcurtains79

He made his 37 week pregnant wife stay at a party until 1am? Then you had a 1.5 hour drive home? Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ is right🙄

....."but he has so many good qualities "

Which don't include basic consideration of his heavily pregnant partner.

OR consider that his partner who has just given support and has an unwell baby shouldn't be left for hours and days on end.

I mean this VERY kindly OP, but your relationship bar is VERY low.

If you were my daughter I would be furious at your treatment by this selfish waster.

Get your contraception sorted and childcare, independent of him.

That he would like to work part time whilst doing as little as possible with the baby says everything about him.

Please realise he is in no way a good partner or father to a new baby.

He is a selfish man child.

37 weeks pregnant with a drive of 90 minutes ahead of you at 1am having asked to leave several times and he's whinging in your ear🙄.....absolutely unbelievable that you think he is any sort of a prize.

Have you family and friends to support you?
You really need supporting.

Didn’t anyone else at the party say it was out of order?
I’d have been side eyeing him like fuck! What a prick.

@Beefcurtains79

Didn’t anyone else at the party say it was out of order? I’d have been side eyeing him like fuck! What a prick.

Completely agree.

Can only imagine what a selfish arse the other people thought he is.

The type of man who thinks his partner being pregnant means he has a driver for 9 months.
Waster.

I mean this VERY kindly OP, but your relationship bar is VERY low.

I agree.

For comparison OP, we went to a wedding when I was 38 weeks pregnant and it was a 1.5 hour drive home. DH stayed sober so he could drive and I could sleep, because we both know how knackering it is being heavily pregnant.

@Beefcurtains79

He made his 37 week pregnant wife stay at a party until 1am? Then you had a 1.5 hour drive home? Jesus Christ.

I know...I was fuming. I think it was obvious to the people there (the couple hosting who were the only ones left!) that I was pissed off. One other guest asked earlier if we were staying over because surely I'm not driving back.

We had serious words on the way home. He was very apologetic and quite upset. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I know he is a bit socially anxious. But this is why I literally said can we go. I should have just got up and walked out but I didn't want to make a fuss.

BTW I love your username

@billy1966 you've certainly given me some things to think about and I suppose validated some feelings I'd had myself. I will rethink the childcare situation for sure. I'm hoping to look for a higher paid role that I can go part time in at some point in the future.

I have a lot of family support and financially and practically I would be fine on my own if it came to it. I hope it doesn't, but he needs to know that things are different now and he needs to start putting his son first.

Good for you OP.

The real value of being brave enough to open a thread is get a selection of differing views.

I'm well into my 50's with 4 children, and if my husband behaved as your partner has, we certainly wouldn't have had a second child and I would have handed him his arse on a plate.

But he has been a wonderful husband and father who would no more have left me for a night with a new baby, not to mind a reflux baby.

You deserve the best.
He isn't it.

Do not let this waster go part time.
Be independent.

He doesn't like traditional roles.

HE is the worst type of traditionalist, speaking bullshit about sharing the load but behaving like a childless man who has the cheek to tell you he could be going away for longer....

I'd be packing his stuff up.

What is your housing situation?

Don't buy property with him.

You need to be a LOT less accommodating.

What is the housing situation?
Whose house is it?

Next time he suggests going away, perhaps suggest he moves home as he can best be a single man from there.

OP, we teach people how to treat us.

He was very upset on the way home having behaved so badly?
Ye were last to leave?
So he gets very upset when you rightly call him out on his awful selfish behaviour?

Can you not see how manipulative that actually is.

Does his upset stop your annoyance?
If it does, he is manipulating you.

How about instead of getting upset when you call him out, he just stops behaving like a selfish arse.

You are a real catch and you deserve better than this waster.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to harden your heart and stop accepting his selfish bullshit.

Keep posting and make sure you get support in real life.

First time motherhood is exhausting enough without a waster for a partner.

He's on paternity leave? Oh this just gets better and better.

@Alltheblue

He's on paternity leave? Oh this just gets better and better.

Not anymore, just the initial 2 weeks. Oh that would be a very different story!! However he was doing hobbies in week 2 of paternity leave.

Beware if you are the main earner and he does go pt and manages childcare (in theory) . If he isn't really any better (in practice) he could try for maintenance off you. And as the main child carer maybe residency of your dc..
Something to consider...

@Ftm229 you need to tell your partner that it’s time to grow up and his hobbies and social life need to be seriously cut down. Ask him why he is more bothered about upsetting his team mates and friends rather than you? There will always be another sports event to attend but he can never get these early weeks with his son back. (Maybe it’s time to point out that he will have shared parental access during weekends or evenings if you split up.)

@billy1966 you're spot on with what you said about teaching people how to treat us. I like to think I'm a strong person who doesn't take any shit, but clearly I do and the discussions we have had about this sort of thing have made no lasting impact.

If I were reading this I would think manipulation too to be honest. I don't think it's intentional but these situations keep happening. I definitely still feel annoyed even if he's upset. In fact a little more so because what I want is change not tears.

Housing wise we rent, separate bank accounts. He transfers me his share of the bills and I pay them out of my account.

Thanks for your help and kind words

He’s taking the piss. I would knock this on the head ASAP. Like l say to my partner: if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander. Never in a million years would he be happy with you going out for hours, leaving him and baby overnight etc

Another vote to tread carefully with childcare and his working hours. He appears to want to step back, rather than step up . It’s not a big leap in my mind for him to want you to hurry home from work so he can head straight out to his hobby. Or take annual leave for that Friday to care for your child as he’s away for the weekend again

@billy1966 is spot on.

Do not let him go part time.

He is a self absorbed twat. It's very hurtful too I know. When you want them to want to be there.

I'm furious.

However he was doing hobbies in week 2 of paternity leave.

That is NOT WHAT IT IS FOR. It is not “time off” or “holiday” same way maternity leave isn’t.

So, so selfish.

@billy1966 usually nails it.

This time with bells on.

He was very upset on the way home having behaved so badly? Ye were last to leave? So he gets very upset when you rightly call him out on his awful selfish behaviour?

This is what struck me. Who should have been upset in that scenario?

My exdh was like this after we had our first, he carried on with hobbies etc like nothing had changed, it was the hobby we both did and met through. I on the other hand ended up giving up the hobby due to looking after the baby. I thought I was being cool and supportive. What I was actually doing was putting myself last. Resentment set in and it set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

Don't be me OP, out your foot down, his priorities have now changed, he's a parent first and foremost and if he thought he could carry on as normal he's a fool!

As for you going out, please do make sure you do, have weekends away with the girls, meet friends without the baby. It's healthy and good for you.

Mil fell out with my dh massively because he refused to accompany her and fil on a sports related trip when ds was born.. She couldn't understand why he wasn't going. Having a dc didn't mean he had to give it up she shouted in front of me. . Ds was 6 week premature and I had had a suspected heart attack... He went nc soon after.
Your dh has no clue has he?

Any further mention of him going part time, laugh at him.

He couldn't even do two weeks of paternity leave.

He is the type that would be off every other evening, needing 'me time' after a few hours of childcare ,and hobbies would be ramped up as he again would need 'head space'.

Knock it on the head totally.

If you can re read this thread and imagine it was someone you cared about, I think you will realise that your assertion that he doesn't know he is being manipulative is not true.

I suggest to you he knows only too well that him being very upset is a tool he has used well in the past, to great effect, to arrest people being upset with him.

It probably worked on his mother.
My eldest son used to do it as a toddler, until I got wise to it and became immune.

He stopped his tears when I said to him "stop your tears/upset, they no longer work on me, you know well you shouldn't have done that etc.".

I suggest you stop taking on board his upset and tell him you are fed up of his selfishness.

It would do you good to detach from him emotionally and start looking at him objectively.

So far he's really not a great father.

I have never heard of a father spending half his paternity leave on hobbies.

It is such shabby behaviour and makes a mockery of the reason the legislation was brought in.

He has demeaned the role of fatherhood and the opportunity of paternity leave, by spending it on hobbies, rather than bonding with his son and supporting you.

Paternity leave is only used by men for hobbies if they are complete wasters.

He will give you as much guff as you will take.
You need to tell him how deeply disappointed you are in him and his behaviour.
He was really let you and your son down, by behaving so selfishly.
That you think he should move out as you need time to think.
Let him reflect on that and explain it.

You will be putting down a valuable marker going forward.

If he huffs and puffs you can ask him what the problem is? His priority continues to be his hobbies and going away on trips even when HIS son was ill.

Don't hold back.
If you don't make it abundantly clear that you and your son will not be an afterthought, this behavior will continue and only get worse.

We had serious words on the way home. He was very apologetic and quite upset. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I know he is a bit socially anxious. But this is why I literally said can we go. I should have just got up and walked out but I didn't want to make a fuss.

Something I read a while ago that resonated with me is that in many relationships there is a child and an adult. When you have actual children, one of the couple wants to remain the child.

Your OH reminds me of this.

You said...

I'm not sure what the answer is really. I've told him how I feel and that it's making me feel resentful. He has again encouraged me to arrange some things for myself. I do quite like the idea some suggested of time to myself at home without being interrupted, I might just do that!

I think you're going to have to spell it out for him. He's not listening to what you are telling him you need. He's assuming you want the same as what he wants - to remain a child who escapes on their own and gets to go and have fun while the adult stays home and does the not-fun stuff.

But what you want, from what it sounds like, is another adult who stays with you and supports you and shares the load with you. And that is an entirely reasonable thing to request.