Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

[Ftm229]

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

[TarasCrazyTiara]

The thing is if you do have family support he may genuinely not know how you feel and may think your fine with him being gone like that. A lot of women are and they don’t expect different. Actually a lot of them don’t want different.

I’d say whether your unreasonable depends on how much you talked about this pre-baby - did you discuss both doing an equal share of the parenting grunt work and being feminist parents? Is this an attitude you share around work and other things etc.? Or does he have any reason to believe you are fine with normal gender roles?

Need more info before judging this one way or another. So many women just have a marriage and baby with a man and just assume things will be one way or another without ever bothering to mention it to him. Seriously ladies, make sure your attitudes and expectations (whatever they are) are compatible and known to each other before your “in the shit” together.

[TarasCrazyTiara]

To add to this, I was/am what is now called a “primary caregiver” and something of a golf widow at times - but I chose that and am happy with it and DH is a great father as well - we just don’t split everything equally. You have to know what you want to be your “sphere” before marriage and family (and stick to it don’t just pull the rug out from your partner and turn into a different person). IMO sharing “spheres” of responsibility always leads to upset like this.

[aloris]

You are married to my husband. It will never change. You need to decide on your boundaries and defend them. First, he needs to ask before he makes out of town plans. Not tell, ask. What if you have a conflicting appointment or function that requires him to babysit (AKA be a parent)? Second, he needs to understand that telling you that it's fair because he's willing to "let" you be out of town the same number of days is not really being fair, it's him dictating the terms. Dictating what you are allowed to need.

8 weeks old is young for him to want to be out of town regularly. The need to have both parents around ebbs and flows but this age is needy because they are still waking in the night, so if one parent goes out of town, the other is going to literally lose sleep over it. That's not really fair, if he's putting more of that burden on you so that he can do his hobby. It doesn't bode well, frankly. Generally, this is a very tiring age. It's really helpful if you have both parents around so they can tag-team and each get some rest.

[TarasCrazyTiara]

Is there any chance he could afford a live in nanny? They’re a real life saver and one more pair of hands is always a good thing.

[madisonbridges]

@timeisnotaline. In your case you have issues that mean you can't be away from the baby for very long. But that's not the case for the op. She says,
"there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby."

Her issue is that not only doesn't she want to leave the baby, she wants her husband not to want to leave the baby either.
"I think that's it, I feel sad he's ok with it."
But he loves the op and the baby but he wants a semblance of a life too. And he's happy to facilitate the same for the op.

As for housework, the op is quite specific that he does his fair share of the housework and equal share of looking after the baby when he's there. Which, again, is not like your situation where you're faced with doing all the housework (at least I think that's you're implying). The core problem is op resents her partner because she feels his life hasn't changed that much, but when he offers to let her try to reinstate a bit of her past life, she doesn't want to do that.

I don't agree with him going away without an agreement but I also don't think that having a baby shouldn't be the beginning of a torturous life where leaving the baby is considered a betrayal of the relationship. Admittedly it's only 8 weeks into the situation, so very early days, and the op has been reasonable with her partners activities, and sometimes it takes a while for routines to settle down get embedded in. But the idea, as a poster suggested, that to punish him for daring to live his life, the op should ring him every hour asking him to come home is ridiculous. They might as well just quit the relationship now.

[PissedOffNeighbour22]

I'm not surprised you're annoyed. He's taking the piss really.
My DP had a lot of hobbies and decided to give them all up when I was a few months pregnant. He sold his motorbikes too.

He was in a band that toured in Europe and did regular festivals etc in the UK. He deemed this far too much time away from family and didn't think the weekly band practice was fair on me, so he quit.

OP, I don't think your DP is being fair on you and you need to discuss this further with him. My DP also works long shifts and he feels this is as much pressure on me as he is willing to put on. I find the long days draining when I'm on my own and it's got worse as our DD has got older.

[4amstarts]

[quote madisonbridges]@timeisnotaline. In your case you have issues that mean you can't be away from the baby for very long. But that's not the case for the op. She says,
"there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby."

Her issue is that not only doesn't she want to leave the baby, she wants her husband not to want to leave the baby either.
"I think that's it, I feel sad he's ok with it."
But he loves the op and the baby but he wants a semblance of a life too. And he's happy to facilitate the same for the op.

As for housework, the op is quite specific that he does his fair share of the housework and equal share of looking after the baby when he's there. Which, again, is not like your situation where you're faced with doing all the housework (at least I think that's you're implying). The core problem is op resents her partner because she feels his life hasn't changed that much, but when he offers to let her try to reinstate a bit of her past life, she doesn't want to do that.

I don't agree with him going away without an agreement but I also don't think that having a baby shouldn't be the beginning of a torturous life where leaving the baby is considered a betrayal of the relationship. Admittedly it's only 8 weeks into the situation, so very early days, and the op has been reasonable with her partners activities, and sometimes it takes a while for routines to settle down get embedded in. But the idea, as a poster suggested, that to punish him for daring to live his life, the op should ring him every hour asking him to come home is ridiculous. They might as well just quit the relationship now.[/quote]


Absolutely this - very sensible reply

[Honeymint]

YANBU OP. Being gone for whole chunks of the week at a time is a bit much.
I wouldn’t begrudge him the sport, if he’s cut practise right down then it sounds like something that could be keeping him happy and healthy.
The other hobby on the other hand needs to be put on hold. It’s really nice that he has something like that to do with friends, but they all need to understand that with such a young baby he’s going to need to give that hobby a break.

I’d also be wary of letting this dynamic become normal, with you being the default parent and him being the one who can go away for half a week at the drop of a hat!

[expat101]

Are you friends with the other partners with this hobby? I would be keeping them in the loop as to how things are going for you, they will (should) be your back up support team that NOW is not the time for your partner to fiddle off on hobby holidays.

[SimpsonsXmasBoogie]

It all sounds a bit much with such a young baby. I think it's fine for parents to have hobbies - your life as an individual person doesn't end forever just because you have children - but you need to make some big adjustments, especially during this early stage. With an 8 week old baby I would think both parents would be around as much as they possibly can be. Buggering off for days at a time to do a hobby is something you'd expect him to be doing once the baby is older and has a proper routine going. They change so quickly at that age and it's a real shame to miss huge chunks of it. You don't get that time back.

Also, it's totally unfair for him to be away doing hobbies for such long periods of time so frequently when you don't get to do the same.

[teateaandcoffee]

YANBU
There is plenty of time once the baby is older / less intensive.
ATM you need him around for emotional support even if you have family to help with things.
For perspective my husband has a hobby which takes him out of the house one evening a week and back late, plus a few hours practicing over the week.
I’m now pregnant with second and we both decided TOGETHER that he will give it up temporarily when the baby arrives, just until we get into a routine.
Like you obviously it’s good for partner to have hobbies but the baby should be a priority when they are this young and need so much attention.
He needs to wake up, you need to make him wake up. You are allowing him to not pull his weight by being away so much. He needs to pull his weight or you will only get more resentful. Let him know this is a temporary thing, it’s not the end of his outside life.
He shouldn’t be booking stuff without asking. If he doesn’t get the picture just start booking stuff yourself without asking, he soon will.

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

@Ftm229 Can you have a relaxing evening at home with your OH taking care of the baby? You have a soak in the bath followed by a film in bed, or reading in peace & falling asleep if you want.
He has to behave as though you are not there. He takes care of baby, washes up or loads the dishwasher. He puts baby to bed & deals with the night wakings, feeds etc. And you let him get on with it on his own, as you do all the time. He will cope.
Once a week this can be your hobby. Time to yourself, a bit of pampering & just relaxing.

[MyOtherProfile]

He just doesn't seem to realise he is not a side parent but is co parenting with you. Perhaps you can sit him down and explain it to him.

[Neurodiversitydoctor]

I don’t really know at what age it’s then acceptable to go back to doing all the hobbies again

DS is 18 in 3 months, I hope next year...

[ivykaty44]

Other family aren’t there’s only pick up the slack due to him going off to play

I’d ask him how he’d feel if your dc calls someone else dad if there not sure who dad is, in amongst all the other family members stepping up in his absence

[spotcheck]

@madisonbridges

Instead of being resentful, why don't you embrace the freedom he's offering, and you go out with your friends and do all the activities you did before the baby, and leave him to get on with the looking after as he offered.
Have I missed something? Isn't it good that the baby doesn't curtail your lives completely and that you share their care?

With a newborn?
And ( I assume) still healing from her C Section?

[Beautiful3]

Thats really selfish of him. My husband stopped his hobby for a long time to help me, as mine had reflux. I don't thinkn its nice of him to remind you, that he could have gone for longer. As if you'd feel more grateful! You'll end up resenting him, arguing with him then splitting up. I don't blame you, when that happens, at all.

[GoodnightGrandma]

I hope your ducks are in a row in the background. Resentment is a relationship killer.

[Confusedaboutests]

My ex was the same. Nip this in the bud now OP before you get burnt out.

[PurpleFlower1983]

He sounds like a massive twat who wasn’t ready to have a child!

[BreatheAndFocus]

He sounds like he considers himself the most important person not your baby or you. In fact, it sounds like your new baby is in last place, a mere inconvenience to be looked after and kept out of the way while he carries on with his life.

His focus should be on baby and you in these first few months no this hobby. Anyone with a hobby that demands that much time away and who is so self-centred shouldn’t be a parent IMO. There, I said it.

[Ftm229]

Thanks everyone - really appreciate the different points of view. Sorry I can't reply to every one but I am reading them all.

A few people have mentioned discussing things before having a baby. We talk a lot about things and with everything else seemed to be on the same page. He's very anti traditional gender roles - I'm the main earner and it's probably him who will be going part time when I go back to work as it makes financial sense. He genuinely feels that he isn't away that often and is very encouraging of me to do the same. As some have pointed out it's my decision not to. I certainly will be in the future but it's just so early and baby has been quite poorly with his reflux. I suppose I'm just struggling to understand how he's happy to be gone so much in this scenario. But then again, he doesn't see it as being away much at all.

He has taken baby downstairs this morning so I can nap (I did most of the night wakings). When he's here it does feel like we are a team.

I'm not sure what the answer is really. I've told him how I feel and that it's making me feel resentful. He has again encouraged me to arrange some things for myself. I do quite like the idea some suggested of time to myself at home without being interrupted, I might just do that!

[TarasCrazyTiara]

@PissedOffNeighbour22

Your DH gave up ALL his hobbies, sold His motorbikes and quit his band because you got pregnant? Sheesh, let the man live a little.

[Nanny0gg]

@madisonbridges

Instead of being resentful, why don't you embrace the freedom he's offering, and you go out with your friends and do all the activities you did before the baby, and leave him to get on with the looking after as he offered.
Have I missed something? Isn't it good that the baby doesn't curtail your lives completely and that you share their care?

It's 8 weeks old!!

[Nanny0gg]

You seemed grateful that he didn't swan off when you'd been to hospital!

I'm not saying you both need to be tied to the house but with a new baby and as a new family, most couples want to find their feet together. Not keep going off to do other things