Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

[Ftm229]

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

[LittleMysSister]

I think it's great that he's keeping up his hobbies and friends, but I do think multiple nights away one after the other is not on when you've got a young baby. Especially on top of regular evenings out.

That is a lot to put on you OP, especially as your baby isn't an easy sleeper at the moment.

[Piglet89]

@Katyppp this is massively simplifying the issue. My husband is happy to allow me to go out with pals, but the moment the timings for my hobby conflict with the ones for his, you can see the resentment and reluctance. I actively have to stand my ground and say “no, you got to do that so now you parent while I do this”.

For far too long, women have been the go-to caregiver/slave enabling men’s lives to change a lot less than theirs do once a baby comes along. A man who does even anywhere near an equal amount is lauded as some kind of superman. It’s ridiculous.

[Austen33]

It depends on what you agreed before you had the baby. If he did not want a baby and you talked him into it by saying that you would do most of the child care, then you are being unreasonable.

However even if you agreed to share child care, then if you don't want to leave your baby he cant return the favour. At the moment staying in and looking after the baby is what you want to do. Don't forget your friends, don't forget your life, don't forget your hobbies. Your husband is right, you should be getting out on your own. So YABU.

[MrsBobDylan]

If op went out as much as her partner does, it would seem pointless having had the baby.

Op wants to spend all her her time with her tiny baby. So should her partner.

[LowlandLucky]

Another man that needs to grow up.

[Ftm229]

@Fallagain

Ask him if he needs some help deciding what to pack for the baby.

Ha, like it

[Ftm229]

@Austen33

It depends on what you agreed before you had the baby. If he did not want a baby and you talked him into it by saying that you would do most of the child care, then you are being unreasonable.

However even if you agreed to share child care, then if you don't want to leave your baby he cant return the favour. At the moment staying in and looking after the baby is what you want to do. Don't forget your friends, don't forget your life, don't forget your hobbies. Your husband is right, you should be getting out on your own. So YABU.

Nowhere in my post did I suggest I talked him into it?! I do however appreciate your point about my own life. I have met up with friends but brought baby or they have come to me. The issue for me here is the age of baby, and how difficult it has been with his reflux..

[Gumboots29]

This isn’t fair. 8 weeks is tiny and I was completely exhausted at that point. I’d not be very happy being left to do everything while my OH went off to do hobbies. You defo need to be a team in those early months but also going forward. It sounds like he’s setting you up to be the default parent while he cracks on with his like as no email.

I can’t fathom why there are so many men out there who behave like this.

YANBU

[Gumboots29]

Cracking on as normal! Stupid autocorrect

[rookiemere]

@Ftm229 he has really done a blinder on you hasn't he and some of the posters. Back in the real world not a single DM I know was worried about not going out enough without their baby, when that baby was a mere 8 weeks old.

Plenty of time for that when you're comfortable with it and when baby is sleeping better and you're not so exhausted.

The issue here is his going away for multiple nights and using your family support as an excuse. Believe me, he'd be doing the same if they weren't there and use some other justification for it.

It's horrible when the person you thought loved you more than anything and was on your team prioritises themselves over the family. I felt so hurt and bewildered when it happened to me ( and DH was not as extreme as yours).

I don't really know how to solve it. You could try being jolly about him going, when he comes back appear puzzled and say you're not sure if baby recognises him any more.

[Ftm229]

[quote whattodo202000]@Ftm229 I completely get where you are coming from. I encountered the same problem with my "DH". After my DD was born and a brief hospital stay he left me to it from day one - my DM picked me up from hospital and took me home and he went out to "clear his head" on his bike. I am not sure if it is a similar hobby but my "DH" has always been into cycling. Before having our DD he was 50/50, very attentive, always planned to be a "hands on" dad, etc. As soon as DD arrives, he has done virtually no parenting and thought I should be grateful when he would occasionally put a dishwasher on or put a load of washing on

Yours sounds better than mine by the way but I am just over a year down the line and am starting the divorce process. I thought we were a team and a partnership but clearly I was wrong. I have been with him for many years before we married and I fell pregnant and it has come as a shock with how low DD falls in his priorities.[/quote]
Oh that's awful...it just goes to show sometimes you think you can know someone until having kids. Hope you're doing OK now x

[2bazookas]

He's pushing the limits. But he's young, its new, he might genuinely not realise how long and demanding your fulltime baby care days are. Because he's never done it. Yet. He needs to get in training.

So you need to set him straight very firmly.

He needs to invest a lot more time getting to know his baby ; and supporting you.
You are both working full time (one of you at home) so need equal breaks. He has been greedy and must cut back hard.
A few hours one evening a month ; so long as you get the same.

You don't really want to be away from your baby, but please do it, make yourself take a break. See a friend or your mum. go for a walk, go shopping, to the library. ... leaving baby with DH. Start with one hour, work up to three, a morning or evening. Its really important for your family's health and happiness.

Because when DH has sole charge , that is when the two of them will really gel together, the time when DH understands the impact of total dependence. When he truly appreciates both his wife and his child.

All three of you need that to happen.

[Ftm229]

[quote rookiemere]@Ftm229 he has really done a blinder on you hasn't he and some of the posters. Back in the real world not a single DM I know was worried about not going out enough without their baby, when that baby was a mere 8 weeks old.

Plenty of time for that when you're comfortable with it and when baby is sleeping better and you're not so exhausted.

The issue here is his going away for multiple nights and using your family support as an excuse. Believe me, he'd be doing the same if they weren't there and use some other justification for it.

It's horrible when the person you thought loved you more than anything and was on your team prioritises themselves over the family. I felt so hurt and bewildered when it happened to me ( and DH was not as extreme as yours).

I don't really know how to solve it. You could try being jolly about him going, when he comes back appear puzzled and say you're not sure if baby recognises him any more.[/quote]
You're right, I do feel hurt. I was explaining this to him today and got a but tearful. We have always been a team and I consider him my best friend. I think because he is so hands on when he is here I'm doubting myself with this. I know I have it a lot better than some/most?

He has admitted today that in the very first weeks he was probably wrong to be gone so much and apologised. After this week (when this hobby related thing is over) we will see what happens..

[Fluffycloudland77]

I’d begrudge the fuck out of it. His CHILD is ill & he’s swanning off while you hold the fort.

Do you really have it better than most when you look at like that.

How is he going to go pt and know what to do with the baby if he isn’t there learning what to do. You’ll end up with him working pt and baby in nursery if your not careful.

[billy1966]

OP,

It is good that he has admitted that he has been gone too much.

He has been very selfish.
He has really let you down.

This is not normal first time father behaviour.

It is the behaviour of a very selfish man.

A good man would not do this.
A selfish one would.

You are right to feel hurt, let down and very disappointed in him.

Only selfish immature men skip off for a few nights with a newborn, not to mind one with reflux.

Not normal.

I hope this has opened your eyes a bit to him.

Words are VERY cheap.
Actions count.

He has really let you down.

You mind yourself, he hasn't.

[HeckyPeck]

Sorry OP.

Has definitely being incredibly selfish. It sounds like maybe he has realised this from your most recent post.

As you don't want to be away from your baby for 3 days (quite understandably!), when he's back from his trip he can do 3 nights with all the feeds, early mornings etc. That gives you a chance to catch up on your sleep at the very least.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

I think 3 nights away is about much at this stage. I wouldn't mind 1 night away or 1 day at the weekend plus an evening or 2 a week. I am not one if those who says the dad should give everything up for the first year. The mum probably will - purely because they are recovering from birth for longer and even if not breastfeeding, will feel much more attached to the baby. New babies need mum and not particularly dad, for the first 6 months (nothing wrong with going out if you want to but most new mums don't leave them for long at 8 weeks).

However the fact that he's doing this doesn't make him selfish etc . Probably just thoughtless. Go back and talk to him, tell him how you feel. It takes some time to readjust to the reality of being a parent. Really he should ask you if it's ok, you should try and say yes but be honest if you really don't want him to go. He shouldn't just arrange things without checking. He does need to realise that it's very early days, he can resume hobbies etc in a few months but for now he's needed at home.

[cherrypie66]

His not reallly a lovely man though is he ! Leaving his wife with an 8 week old baby for a week No way would that be happening. He is a father now his hobby should go on the back burner at least till the baby is older

[Candleabra]

So he’s admitted he’s wrong and apologised but is still going away for a week?!
What he does after this will be very telling.
Either: knocks hobbies on the head and knuckles down with parenting
Or: makes occasional soothing noises, feigns regret, but still continues to please himself

Being a parent changes a woman’s life for ever; for most men, not so much.

[Piglet89]

@Candleabra

Being a parent changes a woman’s life for ever; for most men, not so much.

This. 100% this.

[aloris]

If he has another trip planned for the near future, I would suggest you ask him to cancel it. That is a LONG time to leave you with sole care for a newborn when he doesn't have an emergency, work, that kind of thing. It's not really fair to you. He will probably complain: oh, if you had only told me before I set up this trip, I don't want to let my friends down, blah blah. If you let that sway you, what will happen is that every time he wants to go on holiday (without you and the kids) in the future, he'll just unilaterally make plans to do so and then tell you he HAS to go because otherwise he'll be letting someone down. Or he'll come up with some excuse. He HAS to help his friend Bob because Bob really needs someone to help him get his cabin winterized, you don't want him to let Bob down, right? Arnie had surgery on his toe and needs emotional support by going on a four-day hobby trip, you don't want him to let down Arnie, right? etc etc.

This man chose to have a baby with you. He's letting YOU down.

Just my opinion.

[LannieDuck]

I think you should take the same amount of time off chores and childcare as he does. You might not want to go out of the house, but you should definitely get a break.

So the week after his 3-day jolly, mark on the calendar that you'll be 'on leave' for 3 days, and he'll need to do all the childcare. And if he complains, tell him you were going to do 3 weeks, but felt that would be too much...

[Wallywobbles]

I think I'd say that you'd like him to stop all hobbies until the baby's at school. And then renegotiate a compromise from there. It'll take the wind out of him threatening to be gone for 3 weeks. Arsehole move.

[Piglet89]

And as for the husband asking the op whether it’s ok for him to go and do stuff; this places her in the position of project manager of family life, the arbiter - the judge, jury and executioner. It she says no, she’s the ogre.

Men need to be better at recognising that their partners are struggling with the, frankly, massive workload of looking after babies and young children and they need to pitch in as equal partners. Not “help”. Be equal partners. And so, so many just don’t. And that’s why the divorce rate is high: because women who are as educated, committed, bright as their partners (often more so) are relegated to the role of exhausted skivvy with barely a moment for themselves, all because of their sex and their partners’ selfishness.

FUCK. THAT.

[Ftm229]

@aloris

If he has another trip planned for the near future, I would suggest you ask him to cancel it. That is a LONG time to leave you with sole care for a newborn when he doesn't have an emergency, work, that kind of thing. It's not really fair to you. He will probably complain: oh, if you had only told me before I set up this trip, I don't want to let my friends down, blah blah. If you let that sway you, what will happen is that every time he wants to go on holiday (without you and the kids) in the future, he'll just unilaterally make plans to do so and then tell you he HAS to go because otherwise he'll be letting someone down. Or he'll come up with some excuse. He HAS to help his friend Bob because Bob really needs someone to help him get his cabin winterized, you don't want him to let Bob down, right? Arnie had surgery on his toe and needs emotional support by going on a four-day hobby trip, you don't want him to let down Arnie, right? etc etc.

This man chose to have a baby with you. He's letting YOU down.

Just my opinion.

I do feel as though he's not fussed, or doesn't realise he is letting me down. I wonder if it's in part because generally I'm very independent and don't like to be vulnerable, but when you're pregnant things change.

I'm probably still bitter from the time we went to a house party at his friend's home (low key but still) when I was 37 weeks pregnant. It was my choice to go but said I was happy not to as I didn't want to be a killjoy and make him leave earlier than he wanted to. But he wanted me to go regardless.

I drove as I get car sick (1.5hrs away). We were the last ones to leave at 1am after repeated hints, then outright saying can we go for at least an hour before we did I was visibly tired and uncomfortable. When we eventually left he said he felt awkward leaving as there was no gap in the conversation. I gave him several opportunities to agree to leave when I suggested it I was really upset with him over this for similar reasons, and I feel as though this is a continuation of that. However he has sincerely apologised for this.

I feel like a twat posting about this on here. He has so many good qualities