Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

[Ftm229]

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

[Merryoldgoat]

@madisonbridges

He hadn’t yet - he took 6 weeks off, went back for two weeks and then took off another 2 weeks.

He wanted to be there early on so made arrangements so he could take most leave together.

[Happyhappyday]

OP to put it in perspective, DH and I have both done what I think most people would call prioritizing some time to ourselves & DH does more than 50% of childcare (I do more house admin) I go out 1, maybe two nights after DC is in bed & DH has two nights he’s busy, one at home & one out. I go skiing half a day most weekends December - March (home by noon) and go away for one night (4pm - lunch time) maybe 3 times a year. I have one older toddler. I feel like what your DP is asking to do is way unreasonable. Overnights at all at that age for anything other than a siblings wedding/favorite granny’s funeral seems super unreasonable. He needs to accept that probably for the first year, he can maybe spend a couple hours 1-2 x week at most doing his hobby OR seeing friends.

[madisonbridges]

[quote Merryoldgoat]@madisonbridges

He hadn’t yet - he took 6 weeks off, went back for two weeks and then took off another 2 weeks.

He wanted to be there early on so made arrangements so he could take most leave together.[/quote]
Aww, six weeks is a long time to take off, but how lovely. I think mine did a few days and I'm not sure who wanted him to go back more. 😉

[Merryoldgoat]

I’d had a very hard pregnancy and birth so needed a lot of looking after.

I basically had my aunt (I don’t have parents now) or PIL alternating visit days for the first two weeks too.

I’d have not survived the early days without them. DH was utterly fantastic. He’s been a complete and equal parent from day 1 with both of our boys,

[timeisnotaline]

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby.
Except that he’s done one. Full. Hour. Solo. Have you pointed out this massive gap to him? And asked if he thinks your family replace him in which case why should you keep him exactly?
I’d say you keep saying I can go out, but I guess you mean I can’t go anywhere for 10 mins on my own from Friday to monday this weekend or anytime you are at work or the evenings you do a hobby and the one time I did go out you lasted an hour and I came home. Guarantee I’ll have tough times on the weekend, will you come running home like I did for you? Or is that filed under things that go one way in this relationship now there’s a baby? And all your promises that this baby wouldn’t be just my responsibility were just lies as soon as the option to have fun came up? It feels like it to me. This parenting thing isn’t starting off very well.
You need to take an evening off a week at home. Where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t bother you, looks after baby. I know it’s hard to get out so women can’t match the hobbies their partners say of course you could do too, but you can take that time on your own. Bath walk tv wine and book. Whatever you want. Once a week. He cancels his hobby that week if he so much as asks you where a spoon is during your time.

[VioletRose91]

In all honesty OP id be fuming.
I’d remind him that I had hobbies and a social life too before the baby but things have changed and he needs to help look after the baby, the baby has two parents it’s time he starts parenting.
If he doesn’t take that on board I would literally go out every week for a few hours and leave the baby with him, and say you want no phone calls unless it’s a emergency.

[crazycatlady7]

YANBU parenting is joint. My DS is 2, I've had one night away since he was born. DH goes out every other Friday and doesn't leave until DS is asleep.

We share childcare but I do the most as P/T he recognises how full on our DS is and therefore how hard it is. Never would he go away for days! That's not on. You and baby are or should be the centre of his world not his hobbies

[HardbackWriter]

Aww, six weeks is a long time to take off, but how lovely. I think mine did a few days and I'm not sure who wanted him to go back more.

That's a shame but there's no need to resent other women who have higher expectations of their partners. Just because yours was no help doesn't mean that the OP should just accept her partner swanning off constantly.

[timeisnotaline]

@HardbackWriter

Aww, six weeks is a long time to take off, but how lovely. I think mine did a few days and I'm not sure who wanted him to go back more.

That's a shame but there's no need to resent other women who have higher expectations of their partners. Just because yours was no help doesn't mean that the OP should just accept her partner swanning off constantly.

Yes, I’ve insisted on dh taking 3 weeks next year for dc3. It was so hard when he went back at 2 weeks. Bully for you you didn’t want yours there, not sure it’s relevant though.

[Crimsonripple]

He's taking the piss!! Perhaps he can re-take up his hobby in a few years when the child sleeps through and you aren't knackered!

[madisonbridges]

@VioletRose91

In all honesty OP id be fuming.
I’d remind him that I had hobbies and a social life too before the baby but things have changed and he needs to help look after the baby, the baby has two parents it’s time he starts parenting.
If he doesn’t take that on board I would literally go out every week for a few hours and leave the baby with him, and say you want no phone calls unless it’s a emergency.

Well, yes, that's exactly what he's saying she should do. I think its a great idea for them both to keep up their social lives.

[madisonbridges]

@timeisnotaline
@HardbackWriter

I don't know what I've said that has offended you both so much. I think its lovely that @Merryoldgoat's husband took so much time off. From what she said, she was very poorly and her husband was a godsend.
I wasn't in a similar situation to her so why are you both so bitter that my husband went back to week after a week. It was perfectly fine with me.
I also said I didn't think op's partner should go away for a few nights without her agreement.

Bully for you you didn’t want yours there, not sure it’s relevant though.
I didn't address anything to op, I was just contrasting my dh's performance to merry's husband's and told her how lovely her husband was.

I'm very happy with how my children were brought up but if you attacking my husband makes you feel better, carry on. My DH doesn't care a bit.

[Avarua]

Unders and overs, swings and roundabouts. This stage is all about you, this baby's mum. Soon though, he can and should step up massively. Just tell him you're keeping a tally of his 'time off' and that you CAN'T WAIT till it's your turn, you have so much planned. Start establishing expectations that you will get equal time off when the time is right for you.
Relationships are a long game. Don't expect perfection, do expect to compromise, do assert your own needs, and don't expect that your needs will come at the same time as his. There needs to be two of you holding up the roof: when one person has to lower their arms, the other should be there to continue holding it up.
From, someone older and wiser.

[NCForNosies]

I'm annoyed for you and can't believe how selfish he's being.

A baby with suspected CMPA and reflux needs both parents supporting each other. It is so, so difficult. If my DH had been sodding off for a hobby for a few days when my DC was that age with my DC's CMPA and reflux, I'd have been having very strong words about his dedication to his family and his desire to be part of one.

Going to the pub or a hobby for an hour or two a week is fair enough as long you get your time too but days on end at this age isn't fair on you. Once they're a bit older, it can be quite nice of an evening having a bit of peace on your own though.

Did you ever discuss your expectation that he would stop/dial it back to the minimum for a while? Once the baby arrives and it's brought up for the first time then, those expectations seem to be taken as unreasonable because (to the partner) it's come out of nowhere.

Whatever the answer to that is, I'd hope this would be the last of this regular time away and he has a real think about your last conversation. He could go away for a week but he could also stay away permanently

[timeisnotaline]

Basically @madisonbridges you sound like you think the op is being unreasonable. Well, yes, that's exactly what he's saying she should do. I think its a great idea for them both to keep up their social lives.
What he’s saying is NOT what he’s doing. He’s never since baby has been born looked after the baby for a few hours so op can go out. He did once but caved after an hour. He obviously isn’t offering while he’s away for the weekend. It’s just hot air, there’s no substance behind him saying the right thing. Parenting is an action and he can’t parent a newborn while away on a jolly.
And re your dh not having a go at him, but the op has a small baby and is struggling without her dp. It just seems very unhelpful to me for others to chirp parenting a newborn was easier once my dh disappears back to work. It’s obviously not for the op, or she’s be encouraging him away instead of posting here upset that he thinks his life can continue as normal.

[Katyppp]

Life does go on after having a baby you know!
I am not so sure this suffocating need to do everything together is good for anyone.
You have the option to go out, but choose not to take it, that's your call.
On the one occasion you did go out, you took it upon yourself to decide your OH wasn't coping and came home. That was your call and I'm not sure how thar makes him a twat.
When I read posts like this and the responses to it, I wonder how couples remain together.
It seems as soon as a baby is born, mum turns into a baby martyr and expects, dad to do the same, then is ultra-controlling when he does.

He's decided to keep up his, friends and hobbies which I think is healthy and gives a break.
He's offered you te same but you don't want to.
That's your decision. You can't then get the hump because he's not following the same path.
That would be controlling, no?

[CharityDingle]

YANBU.
As pp said, it's not as simple as 'announcing' he will be away, now that there's a very small baby on the scene.

[PennyWus]

As he has taken all these trips and days out after saying he wouldnt, and without the courtesy of discussing it, I'd say play some games in return.

Say you are not happy about it, say why, but say that completely calmly without any hint of nagging. And immediately afterwards Then 4 hours into his trip away, or one hour into his hobby time call him and say you arent coping as you have a bad headache and the baby is playing up, ask him to come home. Keep calling until he comes home.

Do this every single time he goes out.

Do this on repear

[ZZTopGuitarSolo]

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

It sounds like he needs some full days looking after the baby on his own. Maybe a week.

[madisonbridges]

@timeisnotaline
VioletRose91 said that she should go out every week for a few hours and leave the baby with him. I was saying that that was exactly what the op's husband was suggesting she should do. I feel strongly that every new mother (and even mothers of older children) SHOULD be going out for a few hours a week. To spend some time on themselves, get their nails or hair done, go shopping, meet friends. Just some time where they can not be just a mother but remember who they are and they can chat about different things. I don't see why you're so worked up that I suggest that.

She says he's a good father and takes care of the baby equally when not working. He didn't cave and ring her. She called him and decided he couldn't cope. You have no reason to believe from what the op says that he wouldn't look after the baby.

The op asked for different perspectives or she wouldn't have posted here under "need some perspective". There have already been posts saying, he's a twat, a manchild and selfish. I'm just giving an alternative view that having a baby doesn't have to mean the end of your life as you know it...unless you want it to be. I have sympathy with both of them. I have said he should not have gone away without an agreement with the op, but I don't think he should stop doing outside interests as long as he gives an equal opportunity to the op to do likewise. But if she decides she can't bear to leave the baby, and some people are understandably like that, then she can't hold it against him if he doesn't feel similar.

[Katyppp]

Have pps actually read the post?
The oh is telling the op to take some time away, but she is choosing not to.
The op unilaterally decided dad wasn't coping when she did go out, and decided to go home, that was her call. He didn't ask her to do it.
To be honest, if all new mums have an attitude like the responses on here I am amazed relationships get beyond the first year.
It seems thatcas soon as a baby is born, mum sets herself up as the unilateral arbiter of What Will Happen and te oh just has to meekly do her bidding.
It it was the other way round, it would be considered unhealthy and controlling but it's deemed OK when it's the mother issuing the edicts.

[timeisnotaline]

It’s often a lot more than can’t bear to leave the baby though. I breastfed, found i couldn’t express much then my child refused to take a bottle. I couldn’t leave my baby for more than a couple of hours at that stage full stop. Then there’s hormones. It’s ok to want a break as a mum, and that doesn’t have to mean you should be booking trips away. Saying the op should do the same when he’s going away for a few nights isnt acknowledging the reality that most mums of newborns just want a break, not days away, and if breastfeeding then they can’t even match their dh taking for example one evening out a week, so all the ‘you could go out too, you just choose not to’ is meaningless. I’m pregnant with baby 3 and am definitely having nights off at home where I just do my thing and dh takes over. It’s hard to do unless you’re committed and your dh is on board though as it’s a challenge for them not to just ask you since that would make their evening so much easier, and on top of the children there is housework to be done everywhere you look (if you’re us).

[GertietheGherkin]

@Katyppp

Life does go on after having a baby you know!
I am not so sure this suffocating need to do everything together is good for anyone.
You have the option to go out, but choose not to take it, that's your call.
On the one occasion you did go out, you took it upon yourself to decide your OH wasn't coping and came home. That was your call and I'm not sure how thar makes him a twat.
When I read posts like this and the responses to it, I wonder how couples remain together.
It seems as soon as a baby is born, mum turns into a baby martyr and expects, dad to do the same, then is ultra-controlling when he does.

He's decided to keep up his, friends and hobbies which I think is healthy and gives a break.
He's offered you te same but you don't want to.
That's your decision. You can't then get the hump because he's not following the same path.
That would be controlling, no?

That's just it... The divorce, infidelity rate is off the scale. Trust me, hearing this same script day after day. You teach a stage where you start to think why couples can't see this very scenario is the beginning of the end. But nope week in week out it's someone sitting there banging out the same old chestnuts. On, and on it goes.

[GertietheGherkin]

• reach not teach 😩

[AsleepOnTheTrain]

What about his latest hobby?? The baby??