Partner and new baby - need some perspective!

[Ftm229]

Hi all,

Posting here for unbiased opinions on something that keeps causing problems.

My partner and I recently had our first baby (8 weeks old). Baby was born via c section after a failed induction. He has had a few problems with reflux and possible CMPA which has been difficult, although things have improved a little. However, we are very much in the fussy stage at the moment. He gets overtired easily and struggles to nap anywhere but on one of us, which is fine by me!

Anyway back to my issue. My partner has a couple of hobbies which he does weekly. One takes him away for a good few hours every week, and he's home about midnight with travel (it's something he does with friends who live a couple of hours away). The other is a sport. They practice 1-2x per week and play another competitive game on a weekend.

The week after baby was born he was back to his hobbies. In fairness, he has cut down the amount of practice he goes to, so rather than 2x per week he's been once and then to the game at the weekend. Also, his other hobby has recently taken him away for a couple of days at a time over the past few weeks. This was to do something that had been planned and paid for for months. He could have been gone longer and was originally due to be away for 3 weeks but has been at home as much as he says he can.

I on the other hand met up with friends for an hour one time at about 4 weeks pp. I came back after an hour after calling my partner who was obviously struggling by himself.

He is really good with our baby and the above scenario was just a difficult day. He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section) and looks after the baby as much as I do when he's here, although he is not good at waking during the night and tends to take over early morning so I can nap (when not at work - he does shifts).

I write this as he has announced he is going away tomorrow night to see a friend he has not seen in ages, followed by 2 nights away in relation to the hobby I mentioned (same location). He reminds me that he could be gone the whole week for his hobby (sorry trying to be vague ish here!) so these 3 nights away is less than what he was supposed to be doing originally.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed?! I do not begrudge him his free time at all, I think it's just the speed to which he returned to things when baby was tiny and the problems he has had. I suppose I also feel that his life has changed so much less in comparison to mine.

On the other hand, he keeps saying how I should be getting out by myself too and he will look after baby. I also have a lot of family support so have not always been on my own...he says he would not be gone as much if it were not for them.

I can feel myself becoming a little bit resentful and wonder if I'm being unfair. He is a lovely man, very good with our baby and there would be no issue if I announced I was going out twice a week myself (I am FF due to issues with BF so this wouldn't be a factor). However, I don't want to leave baby that much.

Very happy to be told I am unreasonable here!!

I would really appreciate some perspective.

[Fleur405]

My OH and I have always been independent and both happy to give the other time to do our own thing. But when you have a small baby you have to make some sacrifices. I’d be pretty pissed off in your shoes! I don’t think he’s being very fair or very realistic.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

We both gave up hobbies for a few months when we had a baby the adjustment was hard and I'm not sure it was the right thing to do but after a whole day alone with a baby I just couldnt really cope with the witching hours on my own!

I think looking after a baby is really really intense. And what he is effectively saying is that he is going and your workload will be doubling while he has gone. He is telling you not asking you this and that would really annoy me. You don't double someones workload and then when they espress surprise say 'well you're lucky I'm not trebling it' and 'well I'd do the same for you ' (in theory because you're not that selfish). When you're a parent I think its respectful to acknowledge that although you're entitled to time off, when you're not there it can be lonely and hard work for the other person so you take this into consideration when organising stuff and check that the other person is ok with it as well.

Also the 'I'd give you the same time off' arguments...he did it once and ended up calling you. But if he is away a couple of evenings a week and a day or half a day or whatever at the weekend, if you did the same as him then how much time would you actually spend together as a couple or a family per week? It does sound like he is doing too much if you doing the same would mean you didnt all spend much time together because that then forces you to be the one to choose between taking the same time off or couples / family time.

[Solasum]

I think you need to sort this dynamic out now OP, or you run the risk of your going back to work and then as soon as you get back he will be out doing hobbies, so you will never get time together as a family. And if he becomes the primary carer you would have to pay him child maintenance in the event of a split.

[mamas12]

Yes I’m afraid he does have you down as the default parent you need to point this out to him
Also when you do tell him that you need uninterrupted time at home without bei
G disturbed (which will the start of his parental autonomy and confidence if you like) IF he does interrupt you then the clock starts again
Try it today and that also means him but asking where things are what do I do from the start good luck

[Santaischeckinglists]

Ask him how many bottles will he be taking and had he packed the dc's stuff yet..
Obviously you wouldn't want the baby to go(?!) but has he considered this could be the scenario one day? He can't assume to be bugggaring off at every invite /opportunity..
.

[whattodo202000]

@Ftm229 I completely get where you are coming from. I encountered the same problem with my "DH". After my DD was born and a brief hospital stay he left me to it from day one - my DM picked me up from hospital and took me home and he went out to "clear his head" on his bike. I am not sure if it is a similar hobby but my "DH" has always been into cycling. Before having our DD he was 50/50, very attentive, always planned to be a "hands on" dad, etc. As soon as DD arrives, he has done virtually no parenting and thought I should be grateful when he would occasionally put a dishwasher on or put a load of washing on

Yours sounds better than mine by the way but I am just over a year down the line and am starting the divorce process. I thought we were a team and a partnership but clearly I was wrong. I have been with him for many years before we married and I fell pregnant and it has come as a shock with how low DD falls in his priorities.

[Beefcurtains79]

So you are the main earner and the primary for your child? Whilst he still gets to go and do whatever he likes?
He’s landed on his feet hasn’t he.

[rookiemere]

Arrange to go out for an evening. Do not come back when he whines about how hard it is. It's not normal for DPs to be swanning off for regular overnight stays when baby is so young and if you don't nip it in the bud now it will get worse not better.

[Roselilly36]

That must be difficult for you OP, my DH gave up his hobby for quite a few years after our DS’ were born. I think you need to have a conversation, if DH can’t see it for himself.

[Camembear]

It sounds like he needs to learn how to look after the baby for a full day himself so you can have smaller breaks just for a few hours if you prefer. Also night wakings.

At the moment he’s presenting it like a compromise when it isn’t really. He has cut down on his trips a bit but it’s all on his terms. There’s got to be a way to meet in the middle.

[billy1966]

@Beefcurtains79

So you are the main earner and the primary for your child? Whilst he still gets to go and do whatever he likes?
He’s landed on his feet hasn’t he.

He certainly has.

I think you are going to find yourself royally screwed if you don't give your head a wobble.

He goes part time and is "primary carer" you could find yourself paying him if you finally ditched him.

You are being made a fool of.

Doing the baby parenting while he skips off.
Then you go back to work to pay for everything while he does a bit of child minding.

I bet you will do all the mental load and fill in as he will need his "hobbies" after the stress of a bit of childcare.

Wake up OP.

He has consideration of EVERYONE except you.

Sort your contraception out.

You are being played.

Do not agree to him doing parental leave that will be a holiday for him.

Wake up please.

[PissedOffNeighbour22]

@TarasCrazyTiara none of which were my idea but of course it was all MY fault.
Why exactly have you ASSUMED I had anything to do with his decision? He has a mind of his own. I don't dictate anything he does.

Would have given the entire backstory if I'd known some arsehole would have jumped on me. But it was 5am when I typed it and I couldn't be bothered.

[Franca123]

You'll end up resenting him badly if this continues and it'll destroy your love. He needs to grow up. My partner and I agree time away / off and try to make it as equal as possible. You need negotiate with him what you get if he takes this time away. What is fair in return? If you don't want to go away for 3 nights maybe you get 6 days off to do what you want, sleep, see friends. See how much he likes that.

[mewkins]

If you can bear to be away from your baby, I would suggest arranging to visit a friend for an overnight stay. Don't make it a big occasion or night out, just drop it in there casually that you will be away from x until x and then don't rush home. Also don't keep checking on him. I suspect that if you do this once he will realise what he is actually leaving you with when he goes off for 3 days.

[mewkins]

@Franca123

You'll end up resenting him badly if this continues and it'll destroy your love. He needs to grow up. My partner and I agree time away / off and try to make it as equal as possible. You need negotiate with him what you get if he takes this time away. What is fair in return? If you don't want to go away for 3 nights maybe you get 6 days off to do what you want, sleep, see friends. See how much he likes that.

Yes this will work too! For every day he has off you take the same.

[GettingItOutThere]

hes a selfish dick and you need to tell him. Life changes with kids, especially babies. Kick this into touch now OP else you are in for a world of suffering for a few years and you will resent him.

He needs to stop his hobbies now while the baby is young, women dont expect to carry on hobbies with a tiny baby for a while!

I know of someone who has a very intense hobby, who comes before the baby and still continues with it all, quite sad really

[madisonbridges]

@spotcheck
With a newborn?
And ( I assume) still healing from her C Section?
The op wrote...
He does his fair share of housework (more when I was recovering from my c section)
So it sounds like she has recovered ftom her c section?

[madisonbridges]

@Beefcurtains79

So you are the main earner and the primary for your child? Whilst he still gets to go and do whatever he likes?
He’s landed on his feet hasn’t he.

Is a man to be looked down on for going out with someone who earns more than them? How 1950s.

She's the primary care giver because she's on maternity leave while her partner is working. According yo the op, when her maternity leave is over, he will be the primary care giver. She could go back to work now and he could take shared parental leave and become the primary care giver. That's the op's decision. Is that what you're urging her to do?

[madisonbridges]

@billy1966
He goes part time and is "primary carer" you could find yourself paying him if you finally ditched him. You are being made a fool of.
Would you say the same thing if a woman went part time? That the man was being made a fool of.

Doing the baby parenting while he skips off.
Then you go back to work to pay for everything while he does a bit of child minding.
So mothers who look after their children whilst doing a part time job are just childminding rather than parenting?

Do not agree to him doing parental leave that will be a holiday for him.
Why is maternity leave for the mother serious and hard work. But parental leave is a holiday? Are you saying that men find it easier because they manage better?

Honestly you sound stuck in the dark ages.

[nitsandwormsdodger]

We are conditioned to be. Supportive wives and we don’t want to be boring nagging wife but then end up being knackered and resentful instead ! This is a feminist issue that isn’t moving as far forward as other areas ... you need a chat and open discussion about this one , if he gets to go out and get away, so do you , wave him off all smiles but make sure you book the equal away days

[Animood]

Men are happy to be anti gender roles when it is an abstract concept pre- kids.

When faced with it, when they realise what it actually involves, they flake the fuck out and revert to what their dads did. Ie fuck all.

In this situation it sounds to me like you're doing all the parenting AND responsible for making the majority of the money. - that's not such a great deal for you is it?

Want my advice? Have a row. Get angry. He has backed out of his promise to you. Tell him it's not ok. He has 2 weeks to think about it and change. If he doesn't you kick him out and he can be poor and see baby every other weekend.

DONT have another baby with this man child.

[WindyWindsor]

What would happen if you announced you're going away for 3 days OP? You should try it and and see how much of a double-standard twat he is

[rookiemere]

Another thing OP, if you're going to be the primary earner and he will work pt, he needs to get a lot more comfortable with solo parenting so baby is happy to be alone with him by the time you go back to work.

[5thnonblonde]

OP my DH got the opportunity to go away for work for two weeks and requested to go next year instead as we have a child the same age as yours. He is being VV U!

[Fallagain]

Ask him if he needs some help deciding what to pack for the baby.