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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my date stolen my keys??

999 replies

Wilhelmine · 28/11/2021 23:48

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

OP posts:
TextureWool · 29/11/2021 15:20

You dodged a bullet there, jeez.

Shows also your instincts are actually alive and kicking though, which is good!

Of course, for many of us though, its whether we listen to these instincts or not. Of course, its a fag, we want to be out there enjoying ourselves, starting a relationhips, but I do think we have to be cautious in some ways. People always say be open and vulnerable blah blah - well they probably are people in a secure place in life with lots of protections built in I always think!

From my advanced age and with my experience I would say - always be cautious with

(a) neighbours and
(b) new men

ferretface · 29/11/2021 15:22

Red flags right left and centre in this! I can only assume that the posters in here who are desperate to play cool girl and decry everyone else as hysterical have never had the misfortune to encounter a stalker or controlling person.

Things that "nice guys" are prone to do:
Lovebomb you so you feel beholden to them because they've been so "nice" to you - cf. sofa, gifts
Obsess over all previous relationships because they provoke insecurity cf. OP's most recent comments about his prying into her exes
Vague threats of harm to themselves or others cf. "I don't know what I'd do if this didn't work out"
Monitoring, controlling, coercive behaviour

I've been stalked and bothered by guys twice and they both followed this script. It was difficult trying to extricate myself as they would not take no for an answer.

Of course there is no way of telling if OP's acquaintance has these tendencies or not and maybe his intentions and actions are being misunderstood - but he is triggering her "creepy" radar and she owes him absolutely nothing.

todaysdilemma · 29/11/2021 15:23

Please don't tell all and sundry this story - boss, locksmith etc. Because you are then casting aspersions on his character. And while you can think that privately, and rightly feel weirded out, without proof it isn't fair to malign anyone. That is coming across a bit vindictive OP, probably because you're cross at having to change the locks. You can be annoyed with him sure, suspicious sure, share it with close friends and family - but not people who really won't care.

crazeelala2u · 29/11/2021 15:23

@Wilhelmine

I’m hoping he picked them up absent-mindedly but will have to call him in the morning to check if he doesn’t answer my text. Fuckity fuck don’t want to have to go to the expense of changing the lock....
Even if he does 'accidentally' have them and brings them back, I'd still change the locks. He very easily could make a copy.
ClaireEclair · 29/11/2021 15:26

Something similar happened to me. I met a guy in a bar. We exchanged numbers and when I got home I couldn’t find my keys. He text me later that night to say he had and them and could he drop them around. My flat mate had already let me in thank goodness but I text him to say I would meet him on Monday after work. I brought my male friend with me to pick the keys up and he was pretty pissed off when he saw him. Never saw him again. I had never told him my address thankfully.

jinglealltheway55 · 29/11/2021 15:27

Totally agree with @todaysdilemma

You are perfectly entitled to protect yourself and do what you need to do in order to feel safe. You're also entitled to stop seeing him if you've gotten the ick for any reason.

But if this guy is genuine and has simply made a mistake then it would be totally unfair to share this story. Imagine if he read this thread and saw he was being compared to stalkers, perverts and murderers. You have no proof that this was anything sinister so please don't tell all and sundry (including your boss and locksmith) the whole tale.

Sn0tnose · 29/11/2021 15:35

Fuck me bandy this place is absolute batshit sometimes. It’s a real shame for you all that in your world a mistake is far less likely than a malicious plan of evil.

Some of the ‘jump in and make people as paranoid as possible and agree with every stupid possibility’ people really need to take a look at themselves. What a godawful way to live your existence.

I’m one of the posters who advised OP to get her locks changed. I also said that I think his behaviour is very weird. I don’t think taking the keys was a mistake because it makes no sense, especially after his attempt at emotional blackmail.

You’re welcome to think that I’m paranoid and living a ‘godawful’ life. I’m sure you don’t care that I think you’re gullible and fairly likely to be one of the NAMALT brigade. But in light of the OP’s update that he’s already questioning her on the proximity of a previous partner and the jewellery she’s wearing, despite the fact that they barely know each other, I’m happy to stand by my initial opinion.

Perhaps you’d be better off spending less time on trying to make women feel that their safety concerns aren’t valid by ridiculing, name calling and telling them to look at themselves, and more time thinking about boundaries and why you’re so keen to overlook massive red flags.

Original poster
Wilhelmine · 29/11/2021 15:35

No won’t tell anyone about what happened apart from my two bessies of course! Locksmith doing job now, quite likely he might walk past my house as it’s on his regular dog-walking route and see what’s happening. This morning he asked if he could call me later. I just shrugged my shoulders so not sure if he will. I will sleep well tonight and henceforth!

OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 29/11/2021 15:35

@Wilhelmine

Shall I tell the locksmith the story? He’s been before when DD lost her keys!
Why do you need to over share your personal life?
EssexLioness · 29/11/2021 15:37

Glad you are changing the locks OP. Bit puzzled why you would even consider telling the locksmith the wh9e story. Over sharing can be linked to poor boundaries too. Are you prone to over sharing personal details of your life with people you don’t know well? At best they might think you are a bit odd or at worst you are leaving yourself vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Autumnscene · 29/11/2021 15:38

DONT GET A DOOR RING I know people who have one and they’ve been burgled as it obviously advertises that you are not in !!!

Original poster
Wilhelmine · 29/11/2021 15:38

I’m glad my creep radar is working and there are far too many things not right about him to be able to ignore the keys issue. I would have liked a companion at this stage in my life but he’s not the one.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/11/2021 15:40

A lot of posters are acting as if this man is going to break in in the middle of the night and murder the op like some kind of axe murderer... If he wanted to do that he could have done it last night

It only means that he didn't want to do it last night.

It could mean that he's preparing to let himself in should the OP, say, end with him.
The OP doesn't know much about him.

I'd rather be considered hysterical than be sorry. Just for the sake of changing locks, which is done easily, totally worth it.

Werehamster · 29/11/2021 15:40

@Autumnscene

DONT GET A DOOR RING I know people who have one and they’ve been burgled as it obviously advertises that you are not in !!!
How does it advertise you aren't home?
Original poster
Wilhelmine · 29/11/2021 15:40

Yes probably @EssexLioness. Anyway he’s gone now, job took 20 minutes! £180 well spent. Ouch 😣

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 29/11/2021 15:41

DONT GET A DOOR RING I know people who have one and they’ve been burgled as it obviously advertises that you are not in

Don't be silly. You dont take it down when you are in and put it back up when you go out. I had one for 5 years in my old house as I worked in the Garden Room and needed to know for deliveries. Never burgled. Not once.

FrogFairy · 29/11/2021 15:41

I had never heard of Shana Grice as mentioned by a previous poster so I did a search.

Not only was she murdered by her stalker ex but had reported him to the police fives times. She was fined for wasting police time. I am so angry that this young woman was failed so badly and died as a result.

TarasCrazyTiara · 29/11/2021 15:42

@Wilhelmine

Actually you have no idea if your creep radar is working. A bunch of posters who would see “red flags” in a teabag just agrees with you that he was a creep who stole your keys. You have no idea, neither do they.

It’s quite likely he didn’t.

DaisyNGO · 29/11/2021 15:44

@Autumnscene

DONT GET A DOOR RING I know people who have one and they’ve been burgled as it obviously advertises that you are not in !!!
trying to figure this one out

only if it gets hacked?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 29/11/2021 15:44

I'm glad you got your lock changed op , and I'm sorry you've had such an anxious night.

I agree with pps that have said that if he did accidentally pick up your keys he'd have noticed when he got home and emptied his pockets and realised he had two sets. So much about his story just doesnt ring true when coupled with what you've said about his habits.

frazzledasarock · 29/11/2021 15:44

Wouldn’t tell locksmith but I would tell people. Don’t care if it would sully his reputation. He shouldn’t have taken and kept OP’s keys overnight without calling her and letting her know about his ‘mistake’.

He’s a creep, and other women should be warned.

Lweji · 29/11/2021 15:45

But if this guy is genuine and has simply made a mistake then it would be totally unfair to share this story. Imagine if he read this thread and saw he was being compared to stalkers, perverts and murderers.

Then he would realise that his behaviour is giving off red flags all over.

OTOH, if he is a potential stalker, he'd learn how to be less obvious. I suppose that's the only drawback to this thread.

Original poster
Wilhelmine · 29/11/2021 15:46

If you’ve read everything I’ve said about him @TarasCrazyTiara, you’ll appreciate that the keys is just one thing in a number of things that just don’t sit right with me.

OP posts:
SealHouse · 29/11/2021 15:47

@Lweji

As soon as I read the word "hysteria" or "hysterical" I dismiss whatever the pp has said or is going to say.
Absolutely agree with this. My blood is boiling reading this thread. Any poster who has used the word "hysteria" or "hysterical" against the OP and against the other sensible women advising the OP correctly on this thread, is not only spectacularly naive but is also a misogynist (yes, women can also be misogynists). Bloody hell!
parentingperson · 29/11/2021 15:48

So he would have picked up two sets of keys when leaving. Both his own and yours. Got home, emptied pockets or potentially realise at the door if he pulled your keys out first and they didn't work in the lock. Then had his early night without mentioning any of this to you?

Sounds unbelievable if Ive understood correctly. Did he explain himself?

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