Has my date stolen my keys??

[Wilhelmine]

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

In response to the posts about how 'hysteric' we all are for suggesting the op protect her personal safety by getting the locks changed, I'm surprised how naive and trusting so many women are to strange men who display red flags.

@CSJobseeker

I do have to ask though, what if it was a genuine mistake?

If it was a genuine mistake, the OP will have spent a relatively small amount of money on a new lock, which wasn't needed, and she'll have ended a relationship with a guy who she found creepy anyway. No big deal.

Exactly

OP you don’t have to meet up with him anywhere if you don’t want to.

Don’t put yourself out to be ‘nice’ to ‘hear him out’ to anything whether in public or whatever.

I’d just ditch him and tell people why.

Nobody can seriously say they’d get home from a friends notice they have friends keys and not bother to let the friend know.

This isn’t leaving work keys in uniform pockets as per a previous example, this man empties his pockets he knew full well he had taken OP’s house keys. He should have told her. The fact he didn’t bother or to look at his phone has weirdo with sinister motives written all over it.

Ditch him, change the locks and thank your lucky stars you’re out of it.

Do I still need to change the locks?

Yes. Absolutely.

Maybe I am naive but it all sounds a bit hysterical. Not everyone is a psychopath

Think of it from a risk management point of view. The probability of being a psychopath might be infinitesimally small, but the impact if he is one is so significant that it's entirely worth the £7 or £8 to change the barrel of the lock.

It's the responsible thing to do.

If he has put one set of keys down in the OPs house, he has managed to pick up both his keys and her keys on the way out. Am not sure how easy it would be to do this by mistake

@CSJobseeker

I do have to ask though, what if it was a genuine mistake?

If it was a genuine mistake, the OP will have spent a relatively small amount of money on a new lock, which wasn't needed, and she'll have ended a relationship with a guy who she found creepy anyway. No big deal.

Oh I wasn't suggesting she shouldn't change the locks. In fact I suggested she should change them......

Even if it was a genuine mistake, surely he would have realised when he got home, and found 2 sets of keys in his pockets as he tried to get in? You know when your pockets are full as well…

Sounds v dodgy, especially with the other red flags. Change locks and stop dating.

Ive accidentally taken keys home once, friend shoved them in my bag and we forgot, I couldn’t easily return them that night (no car last bus home) but the first thing I did was ring them to say. Offered to pay to send them in a taxi too if they couldn’t get in.

If he empties his pockets everywhere he’d have emptied out 2 sets when he got home, even if he’d called you or answered then I’d be less hesitant but he didn’t he slept like a baby.

Change the locks, get a ring camera and set up alerts. I wouldn’t tell him you’ve changed locks either. You’ll know if he tries the door when you’re out or if he’s just been after that twat in tinfoil moment of saving you. But I wouldn’t want to find out after half my washing baskets ran off

Has anyone suggested changing your locks yet

This is the "cancel the cheque" of 2021

I'd be changing the locks just to erase any doubt in my mind.

@Almostmenopausal You wouldn't assume that someone has deliberately taken your keys when you haven't heard from them all night, know they empty their pockets as habit, and would have obviously seen them?! Someone who already weirded you out by coming across very intense? Your danger radar is very off then, I'm sorry to say. My partner works in CID, and you would be amazed at how much seriously creepy shit people get upto under the guise of dating. There are organised gangs with men who date just to rob women - by gaining trust and access so their buddies can do the job when the woman is away. And no, you wouldn't know by meeting them that they were so inclined - because most women (like posters here) would ignore the weird vibe given off and think they were overreacting.

Context is important. And this man was already creeping out the OP by being intense, claiming ownership of her space and showing a great dependence on the relationship. If anything had happened to the OP - even unrelated to the date, he would be the first person the police would look at. And they would definitely question how he came to be in possession of her keys - .and that story would be met with a raised eyebrow. Because it doesn't make sense. My motto is - to be suspicious of ANY stranger who ends up with my keys for longer than a few hours. And a man I've seen for a few dates, who's friends/family/flat I haven't seen would be classified to me as a stranger.

Perhaps they're almost identical because they are the copies he had made this morning ! It could easily be an honest mistake but if you hadn't already felt uneasy about him you would not have so readily jumped to the worst conclusions.

That's what I thought too. As others said, if he did mistakenly pick them up and is always emptying his pockets, why didn't he text last night when he got home? That's the sort of situation where you would text, no matter how late, to let the other person that their keys are safe.

@Wilhelmine

I’m getting quotes from locksmiths. I don’t think I want to see him again after this, I wasn’t sure about him in the first place. Christ all I wanted was a male companion to go to concerts/out for dinner/go on long walks with and I end up with all this hassle. I seriously think I could fucking punch him in the face and I’m not a violent person.

Hey - less of the self-recrimination (your previous updates) & more of the self-congratulation please Wilhelmine :)

You knew this chap as an acquaintance c/o other friends initially, so were bound to feel more trusting that of an OLD date. And yet, only a month into dating, you have spotted all the signs (& we all pick up on things retroactively as well, even Poirot! - it's how pattern-spotting works) & are doing all the right things with your sensible call to work, day off, locks & door camera determinations.

“I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”
Yeah, that is hair-raising all right.
& don't worry about your anger - better angry than scared at this point.
Use the anger & redirect it to send something useful, maybe like this -

"Hi acquaintance who's been on a few dates.
It's been nice spending a bit of time with you, but we're not on the same page about dating. I am not comfortable with your remark “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”, or able to progress a relationship with that much intensity at such an early stage.
So I'm going to wish you well, enjoy your occasional company around our mutual friends, but withdraw from any potential romantic relationship with you.
Have a good week, & take care of yourself,
best wishes
Wilhelmine"

I don't think that was a genuine mistake...and yes, change the locks, he could have made copies

@RockinHorseShit

Good try Bertram, but you failed miserably to explain the hysterics & I say that as someone who did have an ex break into my flat... he didn't need keys either. There's a bonkers level of hysteria on this thread

But when he enters her flat with the keys she can't say he broke in, because he'll say "no you let me have the keys" and then the gaslighting begins. And she can't take the keys off him because "oh why don't you trust me? What are you hiding? Who else are you having here?" Etc etc starts

@QOD

Has anyone suggested changing your locks yet

This is the "cancel the cheque" of 2021

Well @Bootsnshoes timing was absolutely perfect

If you read this thread without emotion it does seem like a reasonable excuse and positive outcome, and an over reaction on your part.

No. His story seems very far fetched.

People who empty their pockets put down keys and phone and maybe wallet. All together in one place. And not on top of someone else's keys.
They don't manage to grab someone else's keys at the same time.

Plus with the back story (and still no emotion involved) this has red flags all over.

You don't need a locksmith to change the locks, it's a waste of money.
You can get replacement barrels from your local DIY store far cheaper and they're easy to swap out. Plenty of Youtube videos if you're not sure how it's done.

By the way, bonkers level of hysteria would be going straight to the police and install an alarm on every window, including CCTV.
Changing locks is just a basic safety measure when your keys went missing with someone you don't fully trust.

OMG.

Change the locks anyway.

I’d be tempted to still get a ring doorbell too, just so you know if he does try the locks.

On a positive note too, you then have proof of couriers not delivering parcels.

It's not a bit bonkers or hysterical to change your locks after someone you barely know takes your keys. That's just good sense.

@Wilhelmine

Thank you *@Aphrodite31*. It was fine when he left, we’d been out for a couple of drinks and then coffee back at mine. The red flags? Buying me flowers, wine and a card when we hadn’t even been out on a proper date; then more flowers; offering to buy me a £500 piece of furniture in Loaf (we were in there as he was ordering some stuff); telling me tonight he didn’t know what he’d do if it didn’t work out between us (we’ve been seeing eachother for about a month). I’ve known him as a dog-walking acquaintance for ages and thought I could trust him and we know people in common. Does this seem off to you?

You might have been targetted and groomed.

@Almostmenopausal And all posters being very casual about keys go missing all night.

www.moneyexpert.com/home-insurance/house-keys/

If you lose your house keys, even briefly, there are loopholes in insurance polices that if they are connected with a theft, you can't claim as the onus was on you to change the locks.The loopholes could be someone cutting a duplicate and getting in without breaking in - because you will then have to disclose there was a period of time your keys were not in your possession. No one should be so casual about keys going missing!

@icelolly12

In response to the posts about how 'hysteric' we all are for suggesting the op protect her personal safety by getting the locks changed, I'm surprised how naive and trusting so many women are to strange men who display red flags.

I've mainly stuck with reading just the OP's posts for exactly that reason @icelolly12.

Am in no mood today to manage the stress of seeing unwitting subservience to the patriarchy laid bare, under the guise of
"BeKind & pardon my internalised misogyny while I scold you for behaving like a responsible adult with her own agency".

and ... breathe ...