Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my date stolen my keys??

999 replies

Wilhelmine · 28/11/2021 23:48

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 29/11/2021 12:18

I wouldn’t say I am in a frenzy as such and I don’t think it’s binary axe murderer vs. Wrongly maligned I nnocent victim of circumstance.

I do however, think it’s prudent to be cautious and also that swapping out the Yale which can be done for £10 or so would be a sensible precaution.

Frankly i think the whole situation is super weird and combined with his “ intensity” if I didn’t change the lock I am not sure I would be able to relax.

BertramLacey · 29/11/2021 12:18

You're all whipping yourself up into a frenzy over what is clearly an innocent mistake. Why would he admit to having the keys if he had sinister intentions? Surely he would just lie and say he hadn't got them, if he's the sexual predator that you're all assuming he is?

Well it's not rocket science, is it? Steal the keys, deny it, act all innocent and the OP will change her locks, defeating the object of stealing the keys.

Take the keys, set it up to look like a mistake and the chances are that the OP (and the many defenders on this thread) will say phew, it's fine, silly me making a mistake. And then in future if something a bit off happens, they'll think back to that same event and think 'oh no, must trust him, can't wrongly accuse him again'. And then he's breaking in during the night and getting up to god knows what.

Sneaky people play the long game.

Wildheartsease · 29/11/2021 12:20

OP I'd get the locks changed - just to be sure.
He had your keys. He could have had them copied
This is a man you don't know well yet.

I think that I'd decide about whether to see him again - based on how I felt about him more generally. The key thing might be nothing - just an innocent mistake. Proceed if you like his company but stay cautious.

The warnings here about red flags are certainly worth keeping in mind ...but there are many flags on mumsnet. In the world outside there must be many flower-buying- over-generous men who are not stalkers. (His comment about 'if this doen't work out' is more a concern... but might be nothing.) Is he really intense about everything? Is he just working too hard at trying to make a good impression? What does your 'gut' tell you?

Is he worth more 'investment' from you or were you already feeling repelled?

BertramLacey · 29/11/2021 12:20

Good try Bertram, but you failed miserably to explain the hysterics & I say that as someone who did have an ex break into my flat... he didn't need keys either. There's a bonkers level of hysteria on this thread

I'm not seeing hysteria, I'm seeing misogyny.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/11/2021 12:21

How likely are this many coincidences?

  1. man you've known for a month makes odd comments about relationship
  2. Op immediately thinks he's got her keys and turns out she's right
  3. He takes home both sets of keys
  4. He doesn't realise he's got both sets of keys, even when he's opening his own door
  5. he goes straight to bed without looking at his phone until 8am the next day.
  6. It turns out his keys are identical to yours (biggest coincidence of all what are the odds of that.

One or two coincidences fine, but six in a row?

OP change your locks anyway for your own peace of mind, why wouldn't you?
So what if it turns out you were worrying about nothing. Better than doing nothing and finding out you were actually worrying about something real.

ferretface · 29/11/2021 12:21

Hardly a frenzy...

Even if it was an innocent mistake taking them in the first place, very odd not to notice when he got home and discovered he had two pairs...
Plus the very red flag comments about not being sure what he'd do without her and the random offer to buy her a sofa (lovebombing...classic tactic of the abusive and stalkerish)
This has combined to make OP feel uncomfortable. Even if it is innocent she doesn't owe him her company and her peace of mind will never be complete until she changes the locks. It is not hysteria to say: for your own peace of mind and in case there was anything suspicious about it, change the locks, do not continue a romantic relationship.

Beamur · 29/11/2021 12:21

I think the fact that your instinct was that he had taken them and that was correct, plus he's generally making you feel uncomfortable says that your radar for dodgy guys is in good working order.
Change the locks and ditch this one. Gut feelings are often right. Don't let 'being nice' ovveride that.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 29/11/2021 12:21

@namechangetheworld

You're all whipping yourself up into a frenzy over what is clearly an innocent mistake. Why would he admit to having the keys if he had sinister intentions? Surely he would just lie and say he hadn't got them, if he's the sexual predator that you're all assuming he is?
The OP knew she had the keys when they got back. She used them to let herself and her date in. If he had not admitted it and she couldn't find them in her house.. I mean how thick would you need to be to not realise he had them/realise the only way to get away with stealing them to make copies would be to "admit" you took them by mistake.
RockinHorseShit · 29/11/2021 12:22

Yeah, that's kind of my point, that's one hell of a leap

BigYellowHat · 29/11/2021 12:23

If you still feel uncomfortable then get the locks changed just in case he’s taken copies. I’ve been to so many people’s houses over the years, friends, family, boyfriends, acquaintances and never once have I picked up and item of theirs unintentionally.

MilduraS · 29/11/2021 12:26

It could be an an innocent mistake but I'd be changing the locks too. At worst, you're down the cost of a locksmith. At best, you've just avoided whatever he had planned (even if just a creepy "surprise I snuck into your house and made dinner for you").

In 5 years of living with my DH and using the same bowl for keys neither of us have ever gone out with the other's set of keys. I haven't taken my keys out of my pockets at someone else's house either. It just seems a bit strange and convenient.

MRex · 29/11/2021 12:28

There are 24hr key cutting services in London, possibly also in other cities. Change the locks, and next time someone gives you the creeps stop dating them immediately.

Tiredmum100 · 29/11/2021 12:29

I'd still get them changed. Even if it was an innocent mistake. Surely he would have realised when he got home and tried to use your keys on his door and they wouldn't work, or would have contacted you when he noticed he had 2 sets of keys and knew you'd be looking for them?

HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 29/11/2021 12:30

Even if it was an innocent mistake, he would have realised the moment he got home and emptied his pockets that he had your keys. Why would he not have messaged you? Makes no sense.

MrsEricBana · 29/11/2021 12:33

I think probably innocent mistake BUT change your locks just to be on the safe side.

milkyaqua · 29/11/2021 12:34

Also, emptying your pockets when you get home is one thing - but emptying them in a woman's home that you have just started dating is... like saying it's your place too.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/11/2021 12:35

If the OP were a dd of mine, I’d be insisting on paying to get the locks changed ASAP.

Yes, it could well have been an innocent mistake, but who on earth wants to be saying, ‘If only….!’ after some possibly tragic event that could have been avoided?

notacooldad · 29/11/2021 12:36

Whether people think others are being hysterical or not is largely irrelevant.
OP feels uncomfortable and that is all that matters.
In Ops shoes I would err on the side of caution.
All this maybe perfectly innocent. Coincidences can happen but personal safety and piece of mind is more important to me than giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

BorisKilledMyHusband · 29/11/2021 12:39

Agree with every who is saying to change the locks —and cancel the cheque—. One other thing. Where do you normally leave your keys? If it’s somewhere where he’s unlikely to have emptied his wallet, then it would be more suspicious that he ‘accidentally’ picked them up.

Ubiquery · 29/11/2021 12:39

I’m getting quotes from locksmiths. I don’t think I want to see him again after this, I wasn’t sure about him in the first place. Christ all I wanted was a male companion to go to concerts/out for dinner/go on long walks with and I end up with all this hassle. I seriously think I could fucking punch him in the face and I’m not a violent person.

Be interesting to see how he behaves when he drops the keys off. I'd be horrified if I'd done this to a friend, then disappeared from my phone and caused her worry all night. I'd return them asap and with a bunch of flowers and lots of apologies.

Did you have another key to lock the door with?

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2021 12:40

@iklboo

You can lock my door from the inside without keys I assume most doors have this ability

No, neither out front or back doors have this ability.

Mine does. But if you have the keys you can get in...
CSJobseeker · 29/11/2021 12:41

Mine does. But if you have the keys you can get in...

Same here - that's kind of the point of the keys!

DaisyNGO · 29/11/2021 12:41

Ubiquery "Be interesting to see how he behaves when he drops the keys off. I'd be horrified if I'd done this to a friend, then disappeared from my phone and caused her worry all night. I'd return them asap and with a bunch of flowers and lots of apologies."

That's exactly what a horrible manipulative person would do too. In fact, if he doesn't do this, I'll be surprised.

CousinKrispy · 29/11/2021 12:42

Picking up the wrong keys accidentally is not unbelievable, but how did he not notice that he had the wrong keys in his hand when he drove home or opened his own front door? Or that he had an extra set of keys in his pocket? And when he did, he would surely message OP right away as it's natural for her to be worried about where her missing keys are?

It's not hysteria to point out that that's an odd and concerning series of steps for him to take. Painting it as hysteria is very belittling, and I say that as someone who is absent-minded enough to frequently lose my own keys and pick up others.

OP, you're doing the right thing, regardless of what the truth about him is, as you don't feel comfortable with other aspects of him and you don't want to be worried about "what if?" about a copy of your keys rattling around out there.

TurnUpTurnip · 29/11/2021 12:44

Mine does, it has a Lock at the top that you can twist round and it doesn’t need a key to do it and you can’t unlock it with a key either it has to be unlocked from the inside, I didn’t think that was unusual but the op did say she has bolts on the door so either way it doesn’t matter that others don’t she already confirmed she did.

Swipe left for the next trending thread