Has my date stolen my keys??

[Wilhelmine]

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

I've often taken DH's keys by accident. As to the posters who are absolutely convinced it was not accidental, life must be very miserable if that is their view of everyone

The point I was making was that it’s actually quite easy to pick up someone else’s keys, especially if they look similar and you’re not paying attention. (In my experience, and I’m clearly disorganised). But Mumsnet has decided the most likely explanation is actually impossible, and the least likely… murderous psycho on the loose… is actually the only plausible one

Of course it’s easy to pick up someone else’s keys by mistake. But she has said that he always empties his pockets. So he has picked up one set of keys and put them in his pocket. He has then picked up a second set of keys and put those in his pocket too. He has gone home and taken one set of keys out of his pocket. He has then taken a second set of keys out of his pocket. He hadn’t sent the OP a quick text apologising, telling her not to worry and that he’ll bring them back in the morning. No. He’s gone to bed. And this comes after a pretty sinister comment about not knowing what he’d do if the relationship didn’t work out. What part of that sounds normal to either of you?! Do you think that, rather than a load of posters jumping to the worst case scenario, it could just be that you’re a bit naive?

@Graciemacey and were your husband out at work and you had an electrician in who was a bit creepy but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it… and then later you realise your keys are missing from the kitchen worktop and you know damned well you’d left them there. Would you “tinkly laugh” and think “I’m such a dappy cow, I’m always doing things like that” - or, would you phone your husband and say something weird just happened.

@Wilhelmine re your how easy it is installing a Ring or cctv, I have a small Blink cctv camera above my front door. It runs off batteries so didn't need wiring in (supposedly up to 2 years use with the supplied lithium batteries) and I attached it up using the very strong Gorilla tape - about £8 a roll which has also worked well holding up a couple of small security lights. I'm on the coast and its stayed in place during bad weather, including this past weekends storm. So you can install something relatively quickly and easily.

I’m getting quotes from locksmiths. I don’t think I want to see him again after this, I wasn’t sure about him in the first place. Christ all I wanted was a male companion to go to concerts/out for dinner/go on long walks with and I end up with all this hassle. I seriously think I could fucking punch him in the face and I’m not a violent person.

good call op-forget the keys fro now the comment about how he doesnt know what to do if he wasnt with you is odd enough on its own

Even before the key "mistake" he had raised red flags that have already that have made you uncomfortable very early in the dating situation.
We have gut instincts for a reason listen to yours and trust your judgement.
Door cam is a great idea if you don't want to go to the hassle of changing locks.
But for my piece of mind I personally would need to change the locks.

Good Call OP.

@Sn0tnose

I've often taken DH's keys by accident. As to the posters who are absolutely convinced it was not accidental, life must be very miserable if that is their view of everyone

The point I was making was that it’s actually quite easy to pick up someone else’s keys, especially if they look similar and you’re not paying attention. (In my experience, and I’m clearly disorganised). But Mumsnet has decided the most likely explanation is actually impossible, and the least likely… murderous psycho on the loose… is actually the only plausible one

Of course it’s easy to pick up someone else’s keys by mistake. But she has said that he always empties his pockets. So he has picked up one set of keys and put them in his pocket. He has then picked up a second set of keys and put those in his pocket too. He has gone home and taken one set of keys out of his pocket. He has then taken a second set of keys out of his pocket. He hadn’t sent the OP a quick text apologising, telling her not to worry and that he’ll bring them back in the morning. No. He’s gone to bed. And this comes after a pretty sinister comment about not knowing what he’d do if the relationship didn’t work out. What part of that sounds normal to either of you?! Do you think that, rather than a load of posters jumping to the worst case scenario, it could just be that you’re a bit naive?

This!

Why does he empty his pockets when he visits?

@Wilhelmine

I’m getting quotes from locksmiths. I don’t think I want to see him again after this, I wasn’t sure about him in the first place. Christ all I wanted was a male companion to go to concerts/out for dinner/go on long walks with and I end up with all this hassle. I seriously think I could fucking punch him in the face and I’m not a violent person.

I ended up going out with someone for a bit of companionship, coz he was a bit persistent and I was caught on the hop.

Turned out to be no fun, and all pressure.

Hard to shake off.

#LifeLesson

@LosingTheWill2

Why does he empty his pockets when he visits?

Making himself too much at home.

That, and the buying a coffee table business.

I'm really at a loss as to why you would let a man into your house, who you trust so little as to instantly jump to the most hysterical conclusion over missing keys

Good point from pp. if he empties his pockets at yours, then surely he would have emptied his pockets when he got home. Why didn’t he contact you as soon as he saw he had your keys!

I agree with Teebe, he should have noticed he had two key sets as soon as he used one (car/entering his house) and might have made your key rings look similar.

I picked up someone’s keys in a meeting once, same key ring (same dealership) same type of car etc. I believe him that it was in error tbh. If you don’t want to see him again then don’t buy I wouldn’t necessarily think that the key situation was sinister

@Doubledoorsontogarden

I picked up someone’s keys in a meeting once, same key ring (same dealership) same type of car etc. I believe him that it was in error tbh. If you don’t want to see him again then don’t buy I wouldn’t necessarily think that the key situation was sinister

Were you dating him and had you just told him that you wouldn't be able to cope if the relationship ended and did you keep his keys overnight?

But Mumsnet has decided the most likely explanation is actually impossible, and the least likely… murderous psycho on the loose… is actually the only plausible one.

No. People on MN have generally thought that whilst it might be innocent, there is a good chance that it isn't. That being the case, it is better to err on the side of caution.

Is he a murderous psycho? Who knows. But millions of women experience domestic abuse. Two women are killed in England and Wales each week by partners or former partners. This is not something vanishingly rare - it is frighteningly common. So why chance it?

Stop trying to portray this as a binary situation so that the OP and those advising caution can then clearly be wrong. He might be an okay bloke. He might be a murderous psychopath. He might be one of the countless men who commit violent acts to women day in, day out without ever actually becoming a 'murderous psycho'. So on balance, the OP is right to be alarmed by him.

You're all whipping yourself up into a frenzy over what is clearly an innocent mistake. Why would he admit to having the keys if he had sinister intentions? Surely he would just lie and say he hadn't got them, if he's the sexual predator that you're all assuming he is?

I wonder if the same people trying to play this down and the same people that indulge in victim blaming and not all men when something does happen.

Better safe than sorry.

@namechangetheworld

You're all whipping yourself up into a frenzy over what is clearly an innocent mistake. Why would he admit to having the keys if he had sinister intentions? Surely he would just lie and say he hadn't got them, if he's the sexual predator that you're all assuming he is?

Because if he kept them she'd be more likely to change the locks. Because he wanted control and to act the white night bringing them back. Because it gives an excuse to have contact and he may have noticed op backing out emotionally.

I'm really at a loss as to why you would let a man into your house, who you trust so little as to instantly jump to the most hysterical conclusion over missing keys

Well as you can see from responses on this thread, women are continually wrong-footed over male behaviour. So whilst the OP's instincts are saying 'be careful, be ready to run' her socialisation is saying 'men are nice and trustworthy, women who don't trust them are hysterical'. So in order not to be seen as 'hysterical' and weird, she is over-riding what are actually very good instincts. In order to be with someone, and not fit some Bridget Jones stereotype, she's accepting someone rather quickly because not to do so is mistrusting and might see you alone and eaten by cats.

His taking the keys was the act that brought her instincts to the fore and allowed her to set aside, for a few moments, the socialisation that has said all of this is fine. And now she can see that it really isn't fine.

@namechangetheworld

You're all whipping yourself up into a frenzy over what is clearly an innocent mistake. Why would he admit to having the keys if he had sinister intentions? Surely he would just lie and say he hadn't got them, if he's the sexual predator that you're all assuming he is?

No, we're urging caution in a situation where the OP's instincts are telling her something. It will cost her a few pounds to be able to sleep at night and be absolutely certain someone can't get into her home. You, on the other hand, are potentially putting someone at risk by telling her not to be cautious and that he made 'an innocent mistake' when you don't know that he did.

I picked up keys by accident. Got halfway down the stairs before I realised and came straight back - the person I took them off looked very worried, it's an odd thing to do.

But there's no way I would have gone home with two sets, emptied my pockets and not realised. A set of keys has a very familiar weight - you realised very quickly, as I did, that you are handing more than one set.

Also agree that an overly intense, smitten beginning is a huge red flag. The worst, most unstable boyfriend I had was like an adoring puppy when we first met.

Good try Bertram, but you failed miserably to explain the hysterics & I say that as someone who did have an ex break into my flat... he didn't need keys either. There's a bonkers level of hysteria on this thread