Has my date stolen my keys??

[Wilhelmine]

I’ve just come home with a guy I’ve been for a few dates with after a couple of drinks and we’ve had a coffee and he’s gone home. We’ve been getting on great and knew each other before as acquaintances. He’s a bit intense but nothing scary until tonight when he said “I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out”. Now I’ve just got ready for bed and can’t find my keys anywhere. I’m well organised and tidy and always know where things are. I’ve messaged him to ask if he picked them up by mistake but no reply. Am I being daft to think he might have taken them? If I can’t find them in the morning I’ll have to get the locks changed and I really don’t want to have to do that.....

Sorry but the likelihood of it being an innocent mistake in my opinion is very very low. I have never ever accidentally taken anybody's keys, and nobody has ever taken mine. Plus the fact he waited all night to contact you - he would realise as soon as he got home if not before.

This is terrifying behaviour, very controlling and I think he is getting serious kicks out of knowing you were scared. He took them deliberately.

Whether this was impulsive then he regretted it, whether he did it to play the knight in shining armour when he returns them, whether he did it to make a copy to let himself in to sniff your underwear, or whether he wanted to murder you in your sleep, the fact is this man is a criminal by stealing your keys, and probably very obsessive/stalking tendencies and potentially dangerous Just change the locks!!!

Sorry I hadn't RTFT before I replied.

If it was only your front door keys on your key ring he had. Then you could just change the Yale lock if you've the kind of door most people do?

As in you need that key to open the door from the outside.

If the weirdo can still fiddle with the Chubb then so be it but he can't get in (my front door ahyway) without the Yale.

Also video doorbell or a camera in a window that can "see the front door" (we've done this from the kitchen as we didn't want the doorbell). Don't leave your house unattended until you've got one.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Maybe I am naive but it all sounds a bit hysterical. Not everyone is a psychopath

How do you tell the ones that are from the ones that aren’t?

The way you tell is instinct. That's why we teach people never, ever to ignore it. OP, listen to yourself.

The vast majority of people who come into contact with serial killers say there was just something 'off' about them. No more than that.

If he brings them back now saying a mistake, change the locks anyway. He's had time to get copies cut.

I’m clearly living on a different planet. I do not understand the drama on this thread. I pick up my husband’s keys all the time. Shock, horror, I usually don’t realise I have two sets of keys till he asks me if I have them. I’m clearly quite disorganised. Come to think of it, he’s taken my keys too and not realised. Neither of us have/had sinister intentions.
I’m all for women trusting their instincts, and sure, if this guy is showing you red flags, then cool things. I would be put off by the furniture thing, but he was probably trying to impress you. The comment about not wanting the relationship to end sounds intense but it doesn’t means he’s a psycho.
This thread has got more and more frenzied and it’s a bit weird. Doesn’t any one else think so?

There's no way this was accidental. Too many implausible elements to his story, as noted by PP above.

I've seen the OP being called 'hysterical' on this thread: women are called this when we raise concerns that men don't want to hear about and when we're tuning into instincts that men find inconvenient. This leads to women squashing down concerns and is a massive enabler to violence against women. Other women really need to stop contributing to this narrative too.

Maybe I am naive but it all sounds a bit hysterical. Not everyone is a psychopath and people do make mistakes. So what if he empties his pockets, it’s either a) to make sitting down more comfortable or b) to make sure nothing falls out. What’s the big deal? It sounds to me like people are looking for reasons to scream red flag red flag. The comment about don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out could be perfectly innocent. Maybe he doesn’t have plans to carry on dating, maybe he doesn’t know what the future holds. Only you OP will know how this was said in context. The expensive coffee table, yes totally OTT, sounds like he was being a bit of a tit and showing off how much money he has but doesn’t mean anything sinister. I can’t help but feel that the people of mumsnet only ever see the bad in people. I can’t imagine going through life being a constant cynic.

Have a look at how many excuses you're having to make for this man at this point, and you haven't covered all his behaviour. Add that lot up. In between being a cynic and being naive is the point at which you're a realist. Realistically, if you're making this many excuses in order to explain away someone's behaviour, then there is a problem.

I'm in a very happy, settled relationship. I don't go through life thinking everyone is a psychopath. But I do know that people are varying degrees of good and bad. And I know that bad people hide their behaviour and make it look plausible. The OP jumped to thinking this man had taken her keys for a reason, and she was right, he had. I'd be changing the locks and carefully ending the relationship.

Creepy. If he always empties his pockets then he would have done that when he got home and seen he had two sets of keys.
Good to see you are backing off from him OP and definitely get those locks changed for peace of mind.

@Graciemacey

I’m clearly living on a different planet. I do not understand the drama on this thread. I pick up my husband’s keys all the time. Shock, horror, I usually don’t realise I have two sets of keys till he asks me if I have them. I’m clearly quite disorganised. Come to think of it, he’s taken my keys too and not realised. Neither of us have/had sinister intentions. I’m all for women trusting their instincts, and sure, if this guy is showing you red flags, then cool things. I would be put off by the furniture thing, but he was probably trying to impress you. The comment about not wanting the relationship to end sounds intense but it doesn’t means he’s a psycho. This thread has got more and more frenzied and it’s a bit weird. Doesn’t any one else think so?

Your husband's keys are also your house keys. The same keys. This is your husband who you live with and trust. It's his home.

This is a man who was already acting weird, the op barely knows him. she has a gut feeling something is off.

It's not the same.

There are alarm bells ringing in my head the more I think about this.

Is the place where you normally keep your keys somewhere that is possible he could have picked them up by accident ? Or is that very unlikely.

If he had picked up a set of keys by accident thinking they were his, then surely he would have left his keys at yours by mistake too

If I go to someone's house, I keep my keys in my coat pocket. I wouldn't take them out and leave them lying about in someones house. Assuming that's what others normally do, I wouldn't pick up a set of keys in someone else's house as my keys would be in my coat.

Definitely get the locks changed. Sorry you are having this worry

At one point I had 4 sets of keys in my handbag:

My house and car set
Shed
Garage
Caravan

Dh was not impressed.

You didnt sound hysterical to me Op and your instincts were right. You know your routine.
I too would be changing keys.
I also would be dumping him.

I would be going the 'it's not you, it's me ' route so he cant come ip with reasons to change your mind. However I'm sure you will know what to do for the best.

As PPs have said, if he picked up the wrong keys he wouldn't have been able to get into his own house, and if he routinely empties his pockets why didn't he realise he had an extra set as soon as he got in? When he emptied his pockets at OP's place surely that would've been in a single pile, so I'm struggling to figure out how he could've accidentally picked up an extra set which wouldn't have been part of that.

It's one of those things that could be completely innocent, and when we're tired we can do some odd things (thinking of all the MNers who have found random items in their fridges!) but added to the other issues I'd be erring on the side of caution.

Whether he he completely innocent or not is now irrelevant. You will never sleep soundly in that house unless you change the locks.

I hope that's where you are now, busy with a screwdriver and YouTube or waiting for the locksmith to arrive.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Maybe I am naive but it all sounds a bit hysterical. Not everyone is a psychopath

How do you tell the ones that are from the ones that aren’t?

Obviously the psychopaths pick up keys deliberately, the non-psychopaths picks them up by accident.

Simples!

Very odd that he was emptying his pockets in your house when he barely new you. Was he setting up a “plausible” excuse to steal your keys? He’s simply getting creepier.

It's one of those things that could be completely innocent, and when we're tired we can do some odd things
I agree with this to a certain extent. I once did a family visit and was chatting in the kitchen. I picked up my phone from the kitchen bar and went into the living room. Teen daughter coukdnt find her phone any where so mum phoned it. The ringing came from my handbag and my phone was in my coat pocket! Awkward!!
However in this case there are other red flags. Maybe one wouldnt be too much on it's own but tied in with not answering the phone, returning messages etc it becomes uncomfortable

when we're tired we can do some odd things (thinking of all the MNers who have found random items in their fridges!)

A TEAPOT IN THE FRIDGE IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL THING TO DO!!!

Your husband picking up your set of keys to the house you live in together is not remotely the same as a man picking up your keys to a house he doesn’t live in.

This is like when people say oh you have a gender neutral toilet in your home so why can’t you use one in public?

I'd get a new lock...

Also, was he driving? If so, surely he would have realised about the keys when he got to his car, in which case he could have returned yours before driving off

@Graciemacey

I’m clearly living on a different planet. I do not understand the drama on this thread. I pick up my husband’s keys all the time. Shock, horror, I usually don’t realise I have two sets of keys till he asks me if I have them. I’m clearly quite disorganised. Come to think of it, he’s taken my keys too and not realised. Neither of us have/had sinister intentions. I’m all for women trusting their instincts, and sure, if this guy is showing you red flags, then cool things. I would be put off by the furniture thing, but he was probably trying to impress you. The comment about not wanting the relationship to end sounds intense but it doesn’t means he’s a psycho. This thread has got more and more frenzied and it’s a bit weird. Doesn’t any one else think so?

I think it's weird that you're equating you taking your husband's keys with this creepy man taking the keys of a near stranger.

Obviously if her husband had taken her keys then the OP wouldn't be worried. A husband is (usually!) a trusted man who you've known for years and who lives in the same house, with the same keys. This man is a barely known oddball who has already done things that give the OP pause.

I'll never understand people commenting about their own entirely different situation and somehow thinking it's the same. That's what's weird here.

I bet “his” are identical. He was probably so brazen that he showed you the copies. Or he got stuff to make his look similar to yours.

If he empties his pockets on arrival, then when he got home, he would have emptied his pockets, found 2 sets of keys and contacted you asap.

There is no way I would continue this relationship, especially with that weird creepy comment about not knowing what to do if it doesn’t work out.

When he put keys down at your house, it’s unlikely that he put them on top of yours or right beside them.

Even if he didn’t copy them, it’s could have just been a fucking weird power trip to put the shits up you.

I would find out how to effectively dump a dangerous/weird man like this, such that you do not put yourself in danger or think the dumping isn’t final.

@Oblomov21

At one point I had 4 sets of keys in my handbag:

My house and car set
Shed
Garage
Caravan

Dh was not impressed.

They were all your own keys though weren't they