AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

@Aw273

You can draw up a deed of trust to cover your investment in the property- a lawyer did mine for £300 a few years ago. Make sure you discuss it with your partner in writing so you have some acknowledgment of the contribution in writing anyway if he refuses to sign it

This is a good idea. Discuss it in writing somehow

But Christ on a bike. Youve been had. Twice.

Oh OP, you have effectively handed him your divorce settlement, which was for the welfare of you and your children. It's not protected. If he met someone else or just went off you and threw you out you have no rights to claim it!

The person who said you have a beneficial entitlement to reflect your contribution, that may be true. But can you prove your contribution? And the terms it was made upon? If so that's good but it's only part of the issue. If he played dirty he could deny deny deny and you'd be looking at a lot of up front costs to fight it out legally.

You need to speak up, not sit silently fretting about whether he might ever ask you to marry him. You're not a Disney princess. Cards on the table time. Say you need marriage or civil partnership to protect your position. At the very least you want a deed of trust drawn up to set out and protect your share. If he gets "offended" because you're thinking about what would happen if you split, then that's ridiculous because that's exactly what he's doing by rebuffing marriage.debt

"Trust" is all very well whilst you're in love, but if you split and trusted him to hand over your money he may well see it differently - that he's funded you to have free accommodation, bills paid and food on the table for x years, then her owes you nothing. Men have a habit of conveniently forgetting about non financial contributions!

Blimey you might as well have written him a big fat cheque. Surely the marriage thing should have been sorted before you got pregnant if it’s important to you. I can’t believe how many women on here are so careless with their financial security. It’s frightening. I would get myself down to a solicitor pronto.

You should say to him that as you aren’t likely to be getting married anytime soon then your share in the property needs to be put down on paper asap

OP, what’s done is done. What are doing to remedy the situation now. Are you looking for work to get your independence. No matter what anyone says, being a SAHM makes you vulnerable. - married or not. Though being married can give you some financial security. You have only one way out of this. Agree a childcare arrangement with your partner and get a full time job.

For those who asked, yes dp has a will which leaves all money & assets to me and he has insurance through work which covers the outstanding balance of the mortgage. I don’t have a will , but I have life insurance which leaves lump sums to each of my DC.

@RubyKitty

You should say to him that as you aren’t likely to be getting married anytime soon then your share in the property needs to be put down on paper asap

She can say what she wants but if he says no?

@cultkid

It's only an issue if your relationship is no good Ask him outright to propose to you. Tell him you want the same second name as your child and you want the commitment. I see what others are saying but it's only applicable if your relationship isn't working.

I'm married and a SAHM basically. Yes I do own 50% of our business but I don't work

My husband is on the mortgage only as he bought the place before me

I am not on the deeds and we want to move and get a mortgage on a bigger house using the equity here

I wouldn't really be fussed about who's name was on what because our relationship is solid

Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up? Are you worried about him keeping the 25k if you split?

I wouldn't get a job to try to be independent if you don't need one, kids thrive with a parent at home.

You sound sanctimonious. And you’re married so don’t have the same concerns obviously. May be you would be worried too if you weren’t married. Plus there are plenty of threads where someone gets dumped and don’t see it coming, even in marriages. I will never be financially dependent on my husband and haven’t been on anyone, least of all a boyfriend or partner. You never know anything for sure and the rest of your life is a long time and feelings can change!

What are you thinking/feeling after 9 pages of people telling you how vulnerable you are financially?

@Englishmuffins If DP were to die and this will leaves everything then you need to look at inhearitance tax. If his property and assets are or could grow to being in excess of 325k you would need to pay 40 % of assets over that to HMRC. Could you discuss this with him? Even if he won't marry you due to not wanting to share his assets would he ever marry if terminally ill to avoid inhearitance tax ?

Even if you think he would never have this much think in the long term. If his parents own their own home inheaitance could push you over the 325k threshold.

I knew I was financially vulnerable before coming to mumsnet which is why my AIBU was to ask wether it’s U of me to want to get married to protect myself and my DC financially.
I will be seeking legal advice and getting something drawn up to protect my stake in the house . People are referring to this as a deposit - it wasn’t a deposit as such as that money just got lumped into our pot to buy a bigger more expensive house when we moved and DP took out the new mortgage. There were few lenders who would lend the amount we needed and those who would, saw me as a dependent and therefore didn’t take my non-existent wage into account.
I also love my DP (I wouldn’t want to marry him if I didn’t) so I also don’t understand why these threads sometimes digress into the “get your ducks in a line then leave him, waste of space”. He’s a lovely man, we have a child and have set up a blended family unit and we love each other - why would I leave him? It’s really not that simple… I will talk to him and have these conversations and I know he’ll listen to me. I will rectify my stupid financial choices as best I can, but I won’t be getting a job just so I can save up and pack my bags

So are you going to ask him about getting married?

Are you going to ask him about inhearitance tax ?

@EnglishMuffins but what happens if he leaves you before he dies? And even if he does and has left a will an ex is still able to make a claim unless his divorce sl

You should see a solicitor and ensure you can in the very least get your money back in a worst case scenario. I don't think you're stupid but you are very very vulnerable. There is a difference. Glad to see you'll see a solicitor. I really would go alone and ensure your own finances alone just in case. That gives you the best chance of control over your finances. Everyone's nice while they're together and happy, but usually you still plan for the more miserable times and hope they don't ever come!

Yes I’ll be asking questions about marriage. I don’t think inheritance tax would be relevant with the size of the “estate” as it is currently but it’s something to think about as I know circumstances can change.

Unless his divorce was sorted completely financially in a legal manner that should read.

He’s a lovely man, we have a child and have set up a blended family unit and we love each other - why would I leave him? It’s really not that simple

And yet, despite how lovely he is, he's protecting himself financially at your expense. Now, you're letting him, but I don't think taking advantage of someone is lovely. And make no mistake, that's what he's doing.

@thepeopleversuswork

Ask for a quick 30 minutes down the registry office, you don't even have to tell anyone, his answer will tell you all you need to know.

At this point I wouldn't bother pursuing the marriage route. He's clearly not interested, he's quite happy to take financial advantage and he sounds like an arse. What's to gain from opening up another front here?

If I were OP I'd focus on getting her name on the deeds and getting a job and then leaving. In that order.

Why leaving? That puts her on an even worse situation than she is in now. She wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage on her own. Renting is money down the drain. And she'd be a single mum of 3!!

@PleasantBirthday

He’s a lovely man, we have a child and have set up a blended family unit and we love each other - why would I leave him? It’s really not that simple

And yet, despite how lovely he is, he's protecting himself financially at your expense. Now, you're letting him, but I don't think taking advantage of someone is lovely. And make no mistake, that's what he's doing.

Yep. It could just be well meant ignorance, in which case you'll know soon enough and he'll remedy it once he realises what a vulnerable position he's putting you in. Or it could be... not.

Either way, I'd be back to work immediately.

@Thehouseofmarvels

I am a trainee teacher and sometimes I wonder if it would ever be useful to tell girls becoming a stay at home mum to a boyfriend who owns the house is a not good idea. I wonder if many men would hand over 25k to their girlfriend and give up their job and live in her house ' because we love and trust each other'.

Haha, the grand sum of zero!

One thing to discuss : if you facilitate his carrer by doing everything at home and have put money into the house thats a huge contribution you might want you children to one day benefit from. What happens if you die and he gets a new partner and leaves everything to her? If you shared the house you could separate the shares into two halves and give him a life tenancy for your half to secure your children's inhearitance. So he could live in the house but he could not will your half to a new girlfriend.

OP "Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married."

Did your solicitor tell you that about the pension?

I am an unmarried SAH. it's because I want to protect my money that I won't get married. You don't seem to have thought about your money at all.

The less you have, the more it matters in many ways. The priority now should be to get a legal claim on the home you helped pay for. It sounds like marriage would be good for you but your DP has been careful with his money, as am I, so he might well not be up for it, especially as you have DC from a previous marriage.

In addition there would be nothing to stop him from say changing his will to say you could be a life tenant and remain in the home but that his child rather than all 3 would ultimately inhearit. He may love your other kids as though they were his own ! However he might somewhere along the line want to leave his assets solely to his own child.