AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@thepeopleversuswork

But kids DO thrive with a parent at home. They love it![/quote]
They can also thrive with working parents znd good childcare

It must be horrible reading all of our concerned replies OP. I do hope you're OK.

Op what happens if he dies tomorrow? Ot hoes yo his dc
You have zero nothing
And to get back your 25k will cost as much again in legal fees
It was daft to give him 25k
See a lawyer now get this recorded somehow

You've made two massive mistakes that will come back to haunt you. If you are a regular mumsnetter, I find it hard to believe that this is actually real. Firstly, you have given up your equity in the last house to him - he is now the legal owner of all your cash. Secondly, you have given up your career. You will have literally nothing if he changes his mind about you tomorrow. I'm sorry but there's no way anyone should be putting this more gently to you because you need to act, firstly by getting a full time job and sharing child care with him, and secondly by speaking to a lawyer about how to undo the situation with the house.

Give up on the idea of marrying him - if he would do this to you, he hasn't got your interests at heart.

@Comedycook

I'm very shocked about the house..... I always thought a property could be in joint names even if the mortgage only takes one salary into account? And also that a deposit could be protected?

Sorry OP you've been bamboozled.

You can be on the deeds even if you have no income. Unless your credit is shocking, it may not have enhanced the application but shouldn't prejudice it.

Don't think of the 25k as being a drop in the ocean v. the size of the debt, it is actually huge.

Hope it al works out for you. The fact you're writing the post is a good sign that you're thinking of the right things & Qs to ask.

I am a trainee teacher and sometimes I wonder if it would ever be useful to tell girls becoming a stay at home mum to a boyfriend who owns the house is a not good idea. I wonder if many men would hand over 25k to their girlfriend and give up their job and live in her house ' because we love and trust each other'.

What about getting a civil partnership?

@TarasCrazyTiara

I mean I get it. It’s his second marriage and I know you said amicable but that could just mean he didn’t kick up a fuss when his wife dumped him, so I could see him not wanting to tie his assets up with you - especially if you were the one who wanted the divorce in your marriage. That’s a bad bet.

Except he's happy to get OP's cash tied up with just him. What sort of bet is that?

@Egghead68

What about getting a civil partnership?

The thing is it's all very well for is all to Tel the op to get married or have a civil partnership but this relies on both parties agreeing. It doesn't sound like he would do that.

@Thehouseofmarvels
Nope 99 percent of men wouldn’t even entertain the idea of doing something so stupid and financially risky to themselves .

However a lot of women do it time and time again .
I wonder if it’s something that we are genetically programmed to do😂
Despite all the information on the internet women seem to fuck themselves up like this on a regular basis
My DS is gay and is thinking of buying a property with his partner using a big inheritance and when I mentioned about protecting his deposit in case they were to split up he looked at me like I was stupid and said do you think I’m stupid of course I’m going to protect every penny of it
He even said that unless his partner can match a larger percentage of his deposit he won’t get a civil partnership 😂

I’ve never mentioned anything like this to him so he obviously read up about it himself

As an aside, it's normal to remortgage from time to time to get the best deals. If you look online there could be better deals which save you money per month. Arrange a remortgage, even as informal discussions with a mortgage broker, and insist on your name going down next time. As a minimum you ll be able to force him to reveal his intentions, as in whether he views you as an equal partner.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP. Is your name not on the house deeds or not in the mortgage? It’s not the same thing!
He’s not under any obligation to marry you, You need to protect yourself using other means. Is there a reason you gave up work?

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@thepeopleversuswork

But kids DO thrive with a parent at home. They love it![/quote]
My son thrives because me being in employment means we have a home, electricity, food, clothes, shoes and toys.

Bloody hell, the sheer massive ignorance of "it doesn't matter whose name is on what as long as your relationship is solid" and "don't you have rights as a common law wife?" Surely a week on MN should cure anyone of those delusions.

Seriously, OP, what was the discussion about finances when you gave up work? Was it literally just "I'll stay at home to take care of [DC]", end of story?

My friend lived with a man in his house for 19 years, She worked full time, no kids. Everything in his name. All her money went into running the house.
She had a sudden, severe stroke aged 52 which weakened her left side and lost speech. He threw her out a week later. She had nowhere to go and no savings or assets at all.

Another one who believed she was ''a common law wife''.
She ended up in a bedsit run by a Christian poverty organisation.

There is no Common Law wife in England.

Kids thrive in a warm, stable home with enough food and clothing - and when their (theoretically single) mum isn't stressing over money she can give them attention too.

Advice to concentrate on being on being a SAHM without a thought for any alternative future provision is naive at best, and at worse lt, harmful - especially in the circumstances OP has given.

OP I'd be calmly and matter of factly looking at financial planning options here - if you're sure marriage is not happening. In fact the marriage conversation could be a natural way in "we're not getting married, we're both happy with that time to make Wills, tie up financial stuff and continue our unmarried happily ever after". That to me is true love.

@Egghead68

What about getting a civil partnership?

Not for the first time on mn it needs to be pointed out that civil partnerships are NOT marriage lite. They come with the same legal ties and responsibilities. If a man won't marry you to protect his assets, he will also not enter in to a civil partnership as his potential 'losses' would be the same.

@Hippychicken1 It is interesting to hear his perspective as a male in a gay relationship. I have seen posts on here over the years that mention that OP has put an inhearitance into her partners home and now he wants to split. Quite often because they vauguely asummed they were a common law life or just did not think through the implications at all, due to trusting their partner.

@Thehouseofmarvels
I think over the years I have maybe read 2-3 posts where man’s done what the OP has done
It’s so rare it’s like fuck me it’s that magic unicorn 😂😂
But women do it time and time again sometimes twice .
Like i wrote I’ve never mentioned it to my son but he is already clued up about protecting his money - I think it’s a bloke thing 😂

@Egghead68

What about getting a civil partnership?

I was also thinking this. It is correct that a man trying to avoid marriage to protect his assets won't go for it, but equally a man wanting to avoid the "married" label, might.

OP do you have evidence about the money you've put into the house? If so, you should have beneficial ownership of a share of it. But it would be much cleaner if you put the house in joint names - as you have children from an earlier marriage tenants in common would make sense.

My DS is gay and is thinking of buying a property with his partner using a big inheritance and when I mentioned about protecting his deposit in case they were to split up he looked at me like I was stupid and said do you think I’m stupid of course I’m going to protect every penny of it and yet if I said that about my son living with a female partner I'd be the witch MIL who doesn't trust her son's partner. Hmmm.

@EnglishMuffins

I said peanuts in the “scheme of things” - it was a mere drop in the ocean of what DP borrowed to get us this house. And it wouldn’t be of use to me as a deposit seeing as I have no job to get myself a mortgage..

I have to go do stuff but just had to post how shocked I am at someone not realising the value of £25k.

@Comedycook

I'm very shocked about the house..... I always thought a property could be in joint names even if the mortgage only takes one salary into account? And also that a deposit could be protected?

Affordability reduces the amount that you can value What the Op describes is not unusual or dodgy

@Hippychicken1 I think men don't tend to link emotions and assets or property too much. They don't tend to hand over an inhearitance because they love someone. I think women maybe give in to partners saying ' don't you trust me?' More often than men.

Oh dear OP this is madness. Sorry but absolute madness. I suggest you legally sort this out asap regardless of marriage.
Marriage will of course allow you claim to 50% but did you put more in? It doesn't matter how much was borrowed because without the deposit usually = no borrowing or in the very least much much cheaper borrowing so your dp has certainly gained from it.
I do hope you get legal advice and you should do this without your dh initially and then discuss once you know where you stand I honestly think you've been fleeced!

Haven't read all the replies.

But OP do you and DP have a will?

If not, if he dropped dead tomorrow the house and any other inheritance would go to his children. Not you.