AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

I mean I get it. It’s his second marriage and I know you said amicable but that could just mean he didn’t kick up a fuss when his wife dumped him, so I could see him not wanting to tie his assets up with you - especially if you were the one who wanted the divorce in your marriage. That’s a bad bet.

Have you actually trued sitting down and discussing it and he's unwilling to? I really do think you need to tell him he has ti start paying g for nursery as you need to get a full them job

Jessie75 Op can’t register homerights as she’s unmarried. It’s there so a wife who isn’t on deeds of matrimonial home has legal mechanism to register her rights and can’t be forced to leave matrimonial home. Contrast with unmarried op - her flatmate (boyfriend) could throw her out tonight and legally nothing could easily be done (trying to establish beneficial interest in property isn’t easy or cheap)

@cultkid

It's only an issue if your relationship is no good Ask him outright to propose to you. Tell him you want the same second name as your child and you want the commitment. I see what others are saying but it's only applicable if your relationship isn't working.

I'm married and a SAHM basically. Yes I do own 50% of our business but I don't work

My husband is on the mortgage only as he bought the place before me

I am not on the deeds and we want to move and get a mortgage on a bigger house using the equity here

I wouldn't really be fussed about who's name was on what because our relationship is solid

Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up? Are you worried about him keeping the 25k if you split?

I wouldn't get a job to try to be independent if you don't need one, kids thrive with a parent at home.

Congratulations for possibly the most naive and unhelpful post on this thread.

Particularly the last line. Please ignore this poster OP.

Your relationship may be "solid" until its not. Then you're screwed. And kids may thrive with a parent at home but they're better off with a parent who has enough money to support them.

It's totally normal for people who have been through the marriage-divorce nightmare once in their lives to not want to go there again, so from that POV you're being unreasonable.

The house though -as it sounds like you put up significant capital to allow the purchase, you should definitely discuss with your partner about being included as at least a partial owner of the asset.

[quote PennyWus]**@Wombat46* Actually I am not on the deeds or mortgage for my house because the a*holes at Nationwide refused to let us port our mortgage when we moved house, based on the fact that I had a baby and “if I lost my job I couldn’t afford Nursery” even though I gave them my work contract (3 months notice) and nursery contract (1 months notice) and even though we could afford the house on my husband’s income alone.
Utterly sexist decision as they never questioned whether my DH could afford to be a SAHP if HE lost HIS job. Nationwide just didn’t want our business, we were porting an extremely generous mortgage deal we’d scored years earlier. They effed around with the mortgage decision for so long we almost lost the house, so last minute we plumped for HSBC, didn’t have time to do the full process explaining again why I wasn’t a risky borrower (perfect credit history, track record of continuous permanent FT employment ). So we just put the house in my DH name.

I had to sign a legal document declaring I would make no claim to, nor squat in, the house of DH defaults on the mortgage. They would not le5 my name be on the deeds.

However we are married. And we pay off the mortgage next year at which time I will get my name n the deeds.

I would not in a million years take such a chance if I wasn’t married.

OP you need legal advice.[/quote]
This is shocking! And yes, sex discrimination

This is why I would never be dependent on anyone, even when married, although at least marriage gives a bit of protection. In a perfect world everyone would want to be at home with their kids and not work but money and reality gets in the way.

I would propose to him and if says no, is super reluctant then you know your name needs adding to the deeds and you need to go back to full time work and you share all child related costs according to wage.

Why is the deposit £25k, OP? I thought you said there was no mortgage on the marital house....or did I misread that?

My name is on our new home, even though I'm a sahm. We re married too. I want to be protected, just in case. Because partners can surprise us, when they want to leave us. You can get your husband to add your name onto the deeds, via the land registry. I'd do that ASAP, and book a registry office wedding to tie the knot.

@thepeopleversuswork

But kids DO thrive with a parent at home. They love it!

This is really shocking.
I agree with PPs you need to get back into the workplace, at least to build up some savings and a pension.
You really really are in such a precarious position.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@thepeopleversuswork

But kids DO thrive with a parent at home. They love it![/quote]
Only because they don’t know any different children thrive in all sorts of environments and having a parent at home whilst it’s nice it’s a luxury few of us can afford. Children also need a significant amount of support as adults are cute little child costs buttons compare to a walloping great 21-year-old who wants to do a masters in a foreign country, wouldn’t it be nice if mummy was working to be able to contribute towards that especially if daddy is mean and won’t.

But kids DO thrive with a parent at home. They love it!

Yes but being a financial burden on your children when you're old, have no home or income really isn't fun for adult DC.

*Just get married.

Don't wait for a proposal, don't plan a big service, just get it done for legal protection.

Pop down to your local registrar office, it will take about half an hour and give you the security you need.

Honestly, it's not about being romantic or declaring your love, it's giving you legal protection. You would be a fool to leave it any longer, you have already risked so much*

This this this a thousand times.

@TarasCrazyTiara

Yes I’m sure they do.

But it’s not as critical in the scheme of things as having a roof over their heads.

In this scenario, where a poster has left herself dangerously financially vulnerable and someone (who doesn’t know that there no such thing as a “common law wife”) tips up and says “carry on living with no financial protection, it will all be ok ad long as your relationship is good and you’re not working”, I will call them on it.

It’s dangerously blind and reckless advice to give someone in the OP’s position. Frankly she has bigger concerns than whether or not she is at home when her kids get home.

I wouldn't really be fussed about who's name was on what because our relationship is solid. Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up? Are you worried about him keeping the 25k if you split?

My god, I hope that is a wind up.
Solid relationships end too. There are plenty of shell shocked women on these boards who find their 'lovely' DH has declared he is not happy and is leaving. And guess what? Those 'lovely' DH's tend to be determined to protect 'their' money, especially when they have a SAHW to now begrudge trying to 'take' 'his' money. People are nice when they like you. Once a divorce is going on, they probably don't like you so much anymore and are looking to protect their interests, not yours.

And there is no such thing as a common law wife. It never ceases to surprise me that people still believe this.

Me not working meant that I was a dependent , much like a child, so to borrow what we needed to get the bigger house, my name was removed from the application as I had no earnings to add.

Who told you this?

OP, I don't get the impression you fully understand what you have done.

You have effectively given him €25k to but HIS house. HE owns the house and you have zero entitlement to it. If HIS life pays of the mortgage, the house will not transfer to you but will go to this estate with a provision for your joint child only.

You have left yourself in a very vulnerable position.
What you need to do is:-

(1) Find your bank statement and get the proof you transferred the funds to him. If the reference on that statement isn't clear enough get the bank to provide you will evidence of the payment, what account to transferred from, the date of the transfer, the full beneficiary details, I.e. him - confirm his name, address, beneficiary account number etc.

(2) Find a copy of every communication you had re his house purchase, any text messages any emails etc. if you have any

(3) Then go to a proper solicitor for proper legal advice. Your options will not be great but you still need to show them what evidence of your contribution you have & what can be done,most likely very little

(4)After that you need to speak to him. Depending on the type of person he is, maybe do not mention your solicitor meeting etc.

(5) Tell him you want to get married and the reasons why or at a minimum you need him to put your name on the deeds of the house

(6) His response will tell you everything. He may still not want to get married which is his right. However, if he objects to your name of the deeds you know his position. His original objection to that no longer stands, he has the mortgage so you being dependent on him no longer is a reason to object.

(7) If he won't do it, then you need to see what he will do to document your contribution legally, if at all.

He holds all the cards here but if he is genuine and a decent person you won't be long finding out.

Are you not considered a common law wife if you should split up?

Not since 1753.

Why do you think your boyfriend is so against marrying you personally? Ask for a quick 30 minutes down the registry office, you don't even have to tell anyone, his answer will tell you all you need to know.

But, that aside, you sound quite vulnerable to get yourself in such an awful position seemingly an onlooker in your own life. Do you fully understand what a position you're in and your boyfriend has put you in? Have you been to any of the solicitors or legal type meetings he has had about the house? I think your boyfriend is lying to you over not being on the deeds, mortgage.

OP, you're in a dreadful legal position. I would quietly (secretly) see a family law specialist and ask whether constructive trust or resulting trust may apply to your circumstances. It's really the only card I can see that you may have to play here.

www.slatergordon.co.uk/family-law/cohabitation/non-owner/

www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/insights/blogs/dispute-resolution-law-blog/trust-me-how-a-constructive-trust-saved-millions

www.samconveyancing.co.uk/news/conveyancing/constructive-trust-how-to-prove-an-implied-or-express-agreement-5556

For example, two people who buy a property may be able to get a better mortgage deal if only one of them is on the mortgage - this may be because the other has a poor credit history. However, they could both be on the deeds of the house and share ownership.*

This is me and my dh. Although he is not on the mortgage not because of credit but because he is self employed and we had less options with him on it, my wages covered what we needed.

Ask for a quick 30 minutes down the registry office, you don't even have to tell anyone, his answer will tell you all you need to know.

At this point I wouldn't bother pursuing the marriage route. He's clearly not interested, he's quite happy to take financial advantage and he sounds like an arse. What's to gain from opening up another front here?

If I were OP I'd focus on getting her name on the deeds and getting a job and then leaving. In that order.

I agree with the others here but to take another tack;
It sounds like you need to have a real, deep conversation about this with him. I assume you have already but try again to impart on him how important this is to you. You’re in a precarious situation. You’ve given up everything for him and that’s important. Child-rearing is a two person job and whether he realises it or not, you are pulling your half without him offering the protection he should be.

Have you perhaps considered proposing to him? A nice romantic Christmas proposal May even go down well? (Of course you know him so you’ll know best!) Maybe explain that you don’t want all the bells and whistles, you just want to be a real family with the same name - it can be a registry wedding with a fun afterparty etc.

Failing all that, perhaps couples councilling may be worth it? As you’re both divorcees there must be a lot of hurt there and maybe there’s something he’s not processing?

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tricky time OP and I really hope you can get it worked out!