AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

You do realise this is a post divorce relationship? Why shouldn’t he want to protect himself in case she ups and leaves him? I don’t blame him not being eager to remarry and I don’t think there’s any sinister plot behind it

Well his moral culpability comes from the fact that he appears to have been supporting her becoming dependent on him, with no protection. OP says 'we agreed I should become a SAMH' and he said she would have to base it on trust that her money was golng into a house in his name.

This is not a case of man who is clear from the off that he will not marry and where the woman therefore keeps her job and independence. This is a man actively involved in making decisions which secured his position whilst making hers completely insecure and dependent.

There is no way to interpret other than as a shoddy, selfish and calculated way to behave.

OP now sees pleased that he is 'wholeheartedly' agreeing to protect her tiny 25k stake. But that is nothing, is it? Against what she has lost and what he has agreed with her that she should lose ( her job, her pension, her independence).

@WallaceinAnderland

Your fair share would be far more than £25k OP. Get a solicitor asap.

It is 25k as a percentage of the price paid which increases in value as the house increases.

Your 25k does NOT remain the same.

You need legal advice to protect yourself from this man's blatent self interest.

@Thehouseofmarvels

Also if you never had a proper financial settlement from ex husband see a solicitor about that. You should have shared some of the pension,you had two children with him !

Yeah, sounds like you didn't have a Clean Break settlement

@blusteredbirds and I do wonder if he has only offered 25k because it could get akward with Op if he told her she was not getting her investment back. He might worry she would stop washing his clothes and cooking his dinner if he refused her her divorce settlement.

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@blusteredbirds and I do wonder if he has only offered 25k because it could get akward with Op if he told her she was not getting her investment back. He might worry she would stop washing his clothes and cooking his dinner if he refused her her divorce settlement. [/quote]
Well yes, it sounds like he has offered her a sop to keep her happy. Which appears to have worked.

Agreeing she could get back her small capital in the property hardly makes him a good man. He's still kept all the security of his career, salary, pension, whatever savings or investments to himself, whilst also having a cost-only companion (with sex), housekeeper and nanny. I have no doubt he genuinely likes OP but he's still arranged things so that he benefits from a SAHW, without her being an actual wife, so that she is shafted if they split, not him.

It's not on, is it?

He can't force OP to be a sahm. It was clear something was happy with and likely the main driven force.

All this would not be an issue if OP took the decision to go back to work. They agree on a joint account for all bills including childcare and clear division of chores. Then marriage doesn't matter so much any more as a need for protection but can happen in time when it becomes solely about commitment.

DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me

Given that he is divorced, there is absolutely no way he doesn't know the difference between the financial rights of spouses and the lack of financial rights of non-married couples. He cannot possibly be unaware.

I can see, in fact, why he doesn't want to remarry. He is already divorced, so knows that things can go wrong. I might consider cohabiting at some point, but would never, ever remarry - because there is no way I'm running any risk of my assets ever going to anyone except my own children. In the impossible scenario of me living with a man who had young DC and who was financially dependent on me, nothing would move me to marry him, however much I loved him. Marriage really does mean throwing in your financial lot with someone else 100%.

The best you can do now, OP, is try to ring-fence your £25k, but as a percentage of the original purchase price, not as £25k plus a bit of inflation. Then I hate to say it, but you probably do need to try to get a job and then share the childcare costs. I'm sorry, though, as I know none of this is what you were hoping for.

If you want you to remain a SAHM then DP should still pay you his share of childcare costs as you remain unmarried. He should pay you 50% of what it would cost had your child together gone into full time childcare which is about £500 a month he should give you (in the Midlands where we are anyway).

And there is absolutely no way he is unaware of the financial position he's put you in and if he tries to convince you otherwise, rather than just saying being honest and saying he's worried about his assets after having a divorce and discussing it in a grown up way, he's a wrong un and you'll regret this.

DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me**

OP, I'm glad you've had the conversation and are clearer about where you stand. I hope you can come to an agreement that is reasonable for both.

I am a little concerned about your wording here. It seems that you are still rather passive in the situation and not realising your own responsibilities - had you actively assessed things you would not be in this position. It might be worth considering this as you go forward.

Yes make sure that 25k is ringfenced as a percentage of the house value, not just the amount.

But good work OP on having the conversation. You just need to make sure this happens quickly now. Start ringing solicitors on Monday.

Second thing: get a job

Third thing: make sure childcare is paid for by your DP as well as you - it's not a cost only you should bear.

As other posters have said a divorced man having no idea of the financial difference between being married and not married... yeah right. I hope you can get the truth out of him. You need to protect your own interests and look out for yourself and kids. You say you are a blended family unit..love each other.. but legally to your kids he is just mum's boyfriend. He is not legally anything to them and it is unfair to put them in any kind of unstable living condition due to your boyfriend choice.

@blusteredbirds

She didn’t “lose” her job though and he didn’t force her out of it - she chose to leave it to be a SAHM. Just because you personally can’t imagine choosing that doesn’t mean it doesn’t appeal to other women. Women don’t have to work just because that’s the choice you made, they can make their own choice for themselves and their family.

“If he refused her her divorce settlement”.
This is the point really, he is refusing her “her divorce settlement” I assume because he’s already done that and thought it was unfair - she may be fine with the lesser amount she would get which he has offered and the amount from the house, that’s for her to say.

All this talk about OP not being protected, but he feels that he will be unprotected if he marries clearly - doesn’t that matter at all? IF his wife left him he is certainly aware it can happen whether he wants it or not so why shouldn’t he want to protect himself while still making sure OP has something?
Many people feel those laws are unfair, especially post divorce.

“She will be shafted rather than him” (in the event of no marriage breakup vs divorce)
If you think he will be shafted in divorce then why is he being unreasonable in not wanting to marry?
Why should he “be shafted” if OP leaves him? Which could happen, stats say it is likely she will and especially being a second marriage the likelyhood only increases. Why are you Ok with him being shafted but not with OP?

@TheWholeWorld

What is with so many posters dragging down the idea of SAHM having value?

Also, she should get a job then tell him to pay childcare for the two children that aren’t his so she can do it? Am I reading that right?

When we bought another house and got a mortgage quite recently it was only then I realised that I had a default that I had no idea I had for £34! There wasn't time to sort it out so dh took the mortgage himself , because I was living in the house this had to be declared on the application. I would have been classed as a dependent had I not had my own business and was not financially reliant on him. If I was a dependent the amount of borrowing would go down.
The point is the OP would have been on the mortgage application as a person living in the house and with no job would have been a dependent. So it wouldn't have made a difference if she was a joint applicant on the mortgage?
Not being on the mortgage doesn't really bother me we are married.

@TarasCrazyTiara You are not reading it right. Op has a 2 year old child with this man. She has 2 other children with her ex husband. They live with the ex half the time. The references to chilcare are for the two year old. Posters are suggesting Op goes back to work and they share costs for their own child.

@TarasCrazyTiara We are not dragging down the idea of a stay at home mum having value. We are suggesting it is not a good idea for OP to do this because she is not married.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@TheWholeWorld

What is with so many posters dragging down the idea of SAHM having value?

Also, she should get a job then tell him to pay childcare for the two children that aren’t his so she can do it? Am I reading that right?[/quote]
I was a SAHM for the entirety of my children's childhoods, and I absolutely loved it. I am the very last person to say SAHMs have no value! However, I would have been financially up shit creek had I been an unmarried SAHM when XH and I split up. As it was, I have been ok. My point is that if the OP's partner refuses to get married, then she needs to do something unpalatable to try to make sure she isn't potentially leaving herself in a very bad situation further down the line.

@TarasCrazyTiara I read a post on a legal facebook group recently. The poster's mother had moved into a boyfriend's house 35 years ago. She had sold her home and used the money to renovate her boyfriend's house. She had a diagnosis of dementia and he threw her out to avoid looking after her. She had her name on nothing. Her daughter wanted to know what her rights to the house as a live in girlfriend were as her Mum had nowhere to go. Daughter was told she needed to take over the partner's role by housing and financially suporting her Mum. This could happen to op, it it tge reality of not being married.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@TheWholeWorld

What is with so many posters dragging down the idea of SAHM having value?

Also, she should get a job then tell him to pay childcare for the two children that aren’t his so she can do it? Am I reading that right?[/quote]
What part of they're not married and she's not legally entitled to anything her DP earns have you missed?

There's nothing wrong with being a sahp but to protect her own future and that of her children she needs to be either married or stop being a sahp and earn some money and build a career.

Or should she risk future poverty by leaving all the money in her DP's hands?

What is with so many posters dragging down the idea of SAHM having value?

We're not the ones treating her as having no value, in the form of no financial protection.

She didn’t “lose” her job though and he didn’t force her out of it - she chose to leave it to be a SAHM

They agreed it. She thought they would get married at some point. Its not like he said, ' well, become a SAHM if you want but I'm not marrying you so you will be in a precarious position if we split up'. I am sure he was delighted to have a SAHW to make his life easier without any of the obligations to the women who made his life easier once they split. Talk about win/win for him!

Why should he “be shafted” if OP leaves him? Which could happen, stats say it is likely she will and especially being a second marriage the likelyhood only increases. Why are you Ok with him being shafted but not with OP?
Its about what is fair. That's the whole point of divorces. They are an attempt, if imperfect, to allocate assets fairly. OP will be helping him to concentrate on his job/ build his career. give him a bloody nice and easy life, and if it goes tits up he has retained all the benefits of that whereas she has nothing. A man having a child with a woman but keeping himself obligation free from her, and 'agreeing' she should give up her job to look after his child, is not a good man.

(when I talked about shafted, I was talking about how he is clearly seeing it, not as I see it)

@DrSbaitso

What is with so many posters dragging down the idea of SAHM having value?

We're not the ones treating her as having no value, in the form of no financial protection.

Quite. In fact, we are saying it does have value and he is denying her that value by not marrying her!

The comments about the partner are somewhat unfair. He is supporting OP’s two other children even if it’s only half the time. He is also supporting her full time, despite the fact that they are not married. Yes she has a child with this man but he is doing more than his fair share. OP has to take responsibility here that by not working and sharing childcare with her partner, she is putting herself in a vulnerable position. Women cannot blame men all the time for the choices they themselves make.

@2girls

When we bought another house and got a mortgage quite recently it was only then I realised that I had a default that I had no idea I had for £34! There wasn't time to sort it out so dh took the mortgage himself , because I was living in the house this had to be declared on the application. I would have been classed as a dependent had I not had my own business and was not financially reliant on him. If I was a dependent the amount of borrowing would go down. The point is the OP would have been on the mortgage application as a person living in the house and with no job would have been a dependent. So it wouldn't have made a difference if she was a joint applicant on the mortgage? Not being on the mortgage doesn't really bother me we are married.

Not being On the mortgage if you do end up going through a divorce can basically me and he can sell the house from under you and there’s nothing you can do I have that scenario the court will support protecting his credit rating and his ability to purchase a property elsewhere over and above your children’s need to have a roof over their heads.