AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

Leaving aside the financial mess, I wouldn’t have thought my husband was lovely if he thought it was fine for me to have his child but not to be his wife.

Ring fencing your deposit is only stage 1. That 25k won’t go far if you split up (and there are no guarantees that you won’t). You’ll have 3 kids, no house, no job, no job history for years. No claim on the house and you’d just have to hope he pays child support and many many men do not.

My ex went as far as quitting his job to avoid it. Thankfully I’d kept my career and an equal share of the house and could kick him out without worrying how I’d pay for the mortgage when he started drinking and turned into a violent fuckwit.

The 25k as percentage of the house equity will also be worth more as the value of the house increases. Make sure that's accounted for as well, since your partner is so staggeringly unaware of all this stuff.

If you suddenly inhearited millions from a family member and marriage would mean you would share it in a divorce... do you think he would still refuse to marry you. Can you imagine saying ' marry me so legally my multi million pound inhearitance will belong to both of us !' And him saying 'no I don't want your millions !'

Does anyone know of a case where a woman inhearited a lot and her partner who would not marry her suddenly proposed? Currious if that has ever happened on mumsnet.

I think the poor man needs a break here. He is paying for a mortgage for to house 2 kids that aren't his. With a partner who financially isn't contributing giving the op the chance to live in a house they could never afford. And he gets slated for looking after himself and protecting all he has worked hard for. The op chose to give up work, the time to marry was as part of that negotiation not now. Indeed at conception or if unexpected the point of deciding to carry on the pregnancy the roles of both parents should have been decided including marriage.

@Mouseonmychair In your opinion is it the right thing for @englishmuffins partner to do, morrally, to protect his own interests ? I could protect my own interests by refusing to marry my partner, but I think it is morally wrong to do that at his expense. The kids are not his but they live with her ex 50% of the time. Op might not be contributing financially but she is contributing. Childcare and domestic labour is a valuable contribution which should be conpebsated so I will marry my fiance. I suppose it depends if people do or do not value child care and domestic work.

I appreciate that as a woman I am likely to value the labour often done by women more than a man would. Despite the fact I will most likly be in the postition of Op's partner working as a teacher, buying the house, hopefully doing a masters and running a small business ( with help from my fiance) when I am not at school, with fiance running the show at home.

I could not do all the things I want with my career and have my dream of at least 3 kids if I had a partner who worked full time. Therefore I should share.

Bollocks was he unaware of your financial position. He knows fine well, which is why he won't marry you.
You've been naive but you can't go back in then and change your decision so you need to go for damage limitation at this point. See a solicitor on your own and find out exactly what you need to do. Then push him to do it. And continue to push for marriage or civil partnership, don't accept excuses and vagueness. I would even go as far as giving him an ultimatum. Tell him you're booking the registry office for a specific date, if he doesn't marry you then you don't have a future. (That's after you've got a job though, so you can actually follow through on it).

@EnglishMuffins

Just to update. We had the discussion last night and DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns. He agreed wholeheartedly to get a declaration of trust drawn up to ring fence my investment in the house. He also suggested my name going on the deeds. Marriage was never on the cards though. I was waiting like a passive fool for a proposal that was never coming. He said he wouldn’t rule it out completely forever, but he seemed far more agreeable to going down the legal route to tie matters up rather than the marriage route. For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

OP,

You deserve so much better.

Get the finances sorted properly asap.
Get back to work.
Stop depending on men who's first instinct is to rip you off while being surprised that it works out that way.

No one is so stupid as to accidentally put themselves in such a clearly advantageous position while screwing over the mother of their child.

For yourself and for your children, you desperately need to value yourself more and wise up.

First time this happened, shame on your ex husband.
For it to happen a second time? You really need to wise up.

I mean the above kindly.
Don't raise your children to be so financially naive.

As someone who is in the stronger financial position in my relationship, I am skeptical about him ' not realising' he was in the stronger position.

Get on the deeds. You were working and paying off the morgage on the other house so not just 25k. He needs to compensate you for saving him money on childcare for 2 years. Insist on 50 50 on deeds then get a job. Tell DP that he needs to contribute to childcare and maybe a cleaner as you have a job and need to build your pension and focus on work. If he earns more than you he pays more for child care and domestic help. If he will not then explain to him by not marrying you or contributing to paid help in the house to facilitate you working he is jepadising your future.

And he washes his own pants and socks. If he does not like that remind him you are not his wife, you are just a girlfriend so will not do wife work.

Also if you never had a proper financial settlement from ex husband see a solicitor about that. You should have shared some of the pension,you had two children with him !

I think the poor man needs a break here. He is paying for a mortgage for to house 2 kids that aren't his. With a partner who financially isn't contributing giving the op the chance to live in a house they could never afford

He likes it this way. He gets a full time housekeeper and nanny, as well as sex for the cost of board. This is an extremely nice life for him. He gets to concentrate on his work and career and get all the domestic and childcare sorted out by someone else. If the relationship goes wrong, he can walk away without it costing him financially, and gets to keep the home he has.

This suits him. Its not an act of charity.

OP, why don't you make a list of what this arrangement is costing you in terms of lost salary and lost pension. This may help you to see your financial worth and what you are sacrificing here. He isn't sacrificing anything. This is a risk free set up for him, and he knows it. You are sacrificing a lot and its very high risk for you.

He is paying for a mortgage for to house 2 kids that aren't his

A house is an asset...the asset is in his name. The house will most probably, over time, increase in value. The op has contributed to this asset but her investment isn't protected and her name doesn't appear on the deeds. Paying the mortgage is not a totally altruistic act.

@Thehouseofmarvels

“He needs to compensate you saving him money on childcare for 2 years” um what? For the kids that arent his?

You do realise this is a post divorce relationship? Why shouldn’t he want to protect himself in case she ups and leaves him? Which in spite of what you hear on Mumsnet does happen. Actually it’s much more statistically likely she will want a divorce than him. For all we know he’s already sharing his pension with his ex.
I agree she should try to get more protections but if he felt shafted in divorce first time around, especially if it was his wife doing the leaving, I don’t blame him not being eager to remarry and I don’t think there’s any sinister plot behind it.

This is not just that you feel as if you are in a vulnerable position. You very much are vulnerable.

If he is a decent sort of person, he would respond to a serious conversation and agree to get married.

It would absolutely be worth doing a no frills just the two of you at the registry office to get that legal status and the security it brings.

Otherwise, your best bet is to have him sign a statement drawn up by a lawyer, to set out your deposit as contribution to the house and your role in facilitating his career.

If that still doesn't sway him and he effectively says 'too bad, it's mine now' your best route is to get a full time job and make sure you share the cost of childcare in proportion to your income. You will need to make sure he steps up to take his share of household and childcare, too, so you have equal down time.

Maybe that will encourage him to accept marriage as a lesser evil.

Do you have wills in each other's favour and power of attorney for each other ? Are you noted as beneficiary on his pension ?

@Tara'sCrazyTiara no, they have a 2 year old together. 2 years of childcare for his child.

@TarasCrazyTiara ok fine, he wants not to marry in case op divorces him and takes his money. @EnglishMuffins says he will not give her this answer or any answer to her question on marriage. Issue is, he did not make it clear and has not made it clear this is how he feels. If he has said to OP marriage was permanently off the table due to wanting to protect himself on the first date, would op have given up work ?

@TarasCrazyTiara I have no problem with people wanting to protect their assets by refusing marriage. I think that its important to declare this during the dating process so people who do want marriage and joint assets can stop going on dates with the person who does not want the same things out of life. Anything else is incredibly dishonest. He could have told Op years ago he would never marry again and wanted to protect his own assets.

He agreed wholeheartedly to get a declaration of trust drawn up to ring fence my investment in the house. He also suggested my name going on the deeds.

Do this now, straight away as a matter of urgency, absolutely get your name on the deeds. At least then you'll have some security.

Then you need to look into getting back into work in the future. Your youngest is two so can easy start nursery next year.

Your fair share would be far more than £25k OP. Get a solicitor asap.

@EnglishMuffins beware of the fact he says he has not ruled marriage out. If you say you are going to get a job to earn a pension he might say: 'I don't know why you are fussing about your pension, I haven't ruled marriage out, don't you trust me? I don't want it right now but who knows, in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years..' I think if he wants to protect his assets and personal financial interests as @tarasnewtiara suggests he needs to be totally blunt so you can act in your own self interest.