AIBU to not want to be an unmarried SAHM?

[EnglishMuffins]

Just wondering what people’s thoughts are on my situation.

I was married for several years and had 2 DC with my exH. I had always worked part time to be around for our young DC in a general admin job. Upon divorce , exH stayed in marital home and bought me out of my share. I took some furniture, no savings (in fact debts that needing reconciling) and no claim to his pension as he said the pot was too small to even consider sharing it 50/50 after only a few years being married.
I lived with family as I couldn’t afford to buy or rent on my PT salary, and we share custody of our DC 50/50.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met DP. He was also a divorcee. Their split was amicable, no DC involved. We bought a house together about 18 months into our relationship and soon after we unexpectedly fell pg (I said unexpectedly as there are fertility issues on both sides but a blessing all the same and we were delighted).
When our child was born we decided I would give up my job to be a full time SAHM. We also needed a bigger house so sold up and moved , but this time my name was no longer on the mortgage as my lack of income decreased our borrowing prospects. So my initial lump sum I invested into our first property (from my divorce settlement) which had also grown as property prices went up in value and the mortgage was paid off (I might add that for 18 months I contributed towards the mortgage and bills) is now tied up in a house that is in DP sole name. I feel naive but he said that we’d just have to base it on “trust”.

My issue is, I really thought that by now, DP would have proposed marriage. He’s not dead set against it, but he says things like “don’t do it!!” When we drive past weddings and things , and I just generally get the feeling he doesn’t see a second marriage in his future. Our child is almost 2, ive given up on my job, a career, paying into a pension, independence , I sold my little car.. have no savings or means to save , am solely reliant on DP wages . Meanwhile he is climbing the career ladder, paying into a pension, accruing savings and saving what I imagine would be a vast monthly sum in childcare costs.
AIBU to expect him to marry me? I just feel I’m in a vulnerable position, with nothing to fall back on. I want a secure future for my child and my DC from my previous marriage. I would even like to share a name with DP and our child and I guess rubber seal our family unit? So both financially, and romantically, I’d like to be married - but DP has no interest . Then part of me feels like a gold-digger for thinking he should marry me and give up 50:50 if we were to split.

What are the legal implications of not being married vs being married?
DP has a will, I don’t. DP has insurance through work that would pay off the mortgage - I guess this would be taxed? I have life insurance. No savings and a tiny pension from my PT job.

[quote Simonjt]@Aprilx Why do you think she should be able to live in a house for free, especially when for the last year or so she is having a man pay to raise children that aren’t even his.[/quote]
Living in someone else's house for free isn't a desirable thing though...it's awful and it means you're extremely vulnerable. Not to mention the 25k she invested in it.

Being or not being on the mortgage doesn't actually matter.. it is who is on the title deeds that does... Who's name was registered with the land registry when the house was bought?

He may or may not be aware of how vulnerable he has made you. Whether you are in his will or not it is very expensive to get everything tied up if you are not married.

You need to take steps to retrospectively protect your money. If your DP refuses to do so you will know where you stand.

You seem reluctant to consider a job, even staying happily together.

Could it be that it's more you who is keen in being a sahm and he would prefer if you worked.

As a divorced man, I could understand his reticence at marrying if you don't ever intend to work and then divorce him in 10 years time going for half of the assets.

@vivainsomnia

You seem reluctant to consider a job, even staying happily together.

Could it be that it's more you who is keen in being a sahm and he would prefer if you worked.

As a divorced man, I could understand his reticence at marrying if you don't ever intend to work and then divorce him in 10 years time going for half of the assets.

This still doesn't explain why nothing was in place to protect her 25k contribution to the house?

Just to update. We had the discussion last night and DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns.
He agreed wholeheartedly to get a declaration of trust drawn up to ring fence my investment in the house. He also suggested my name going on the deeds.
Marriage was never on the cards though. I was waiting like a passive fool for a proposal that was never coming. He said he wouldn’t rule it out completely forever, but he seemed far more agreeable to going down the legal route to tie matters up rather than the marriage route. For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

You need to establish the amount you put into the house and insist your name is on the house.

Then, you need to start earning your own money. The days of expecting a man to earn all the money while you stay home are gone.

You say you want to secure your future for you and your children, so take ownership and accountability for it. You'll never regret it and it's also never too late!

YABU to expect marriage to secure your future but you're absolutely correct that you need to do something.

Best of luck. You CAN do this!!

How on earth can he be unaware. More like he just hasn't thought about you.

So phonecall to solicitor at 9am tomorrow to organise a meeting at their earliest convenience. Excellent. They may also be able to advise about the other, further protections you will need.

I hope you can see that being a sahp isn't on the cards for you after all then OP. Sorry your dp doesn't want to marry you. I hope you can also see that he stands to gain from what you've given him
Get some advice from a solicitor alone before he duped you any further: good luck.

DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns.

Well, he was aware enough to tell you you had to take it "on trust" when you first told him your concerns, and to understand that marriage creates bonds he doesn't want.

Is he aware that even after you both take these new measures, you'll still come off much the worse if you split up unmarried?

For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

Well, because he knows what it could mean for him if you split up...not keeping the lion's share of the pot and holding more or less all the strings, owing nothing to you. I don't know how to make that sound good either.

Still, better some protection than none, and better late than never.

Would he agree to a civil partnership?

Does anyone else find it astonishing how so many men become completely financially all-powerful while apparently not understanding how they did it?

Agree with PP that you need to reconsider being a SAHM.

Crikey you’ve made some monumentally poor decisions! But they’re all yours and nobody made you.
I think it might be time to stop blaming others and take some responsibility for yourself before you get in even deeper!

Oh and the reason he's happy to go down the legal route is because you refuse to pluck up the courage to not lean on him for all your advice you sound terrible dependent on men in general. Work on your self esteem in this regards, you are your own person and must make your own decisions about things.

He absolutely does know what's happened.
If he doesn't even more the reason you look after your own interests because he must be rather dim as it's blindingly obvious to most people on here. You need to start looking after yourself, your plan works around anything but work. That is a fear you need to face as well as the fact you've been financially done for the second time. I don't know anyone who moved out from their dh with their dc after divorce and was bought out. You really sound naive at best.
Your dc will be pretty mad in the future when you're broke and homeless if it all goes wrong. That does happen to women that don't work, rely on an unmarried dp and has babies with said dp who doesn't care enough about you to have already sorted such big things out. He doesn't have to marry you but just getting your original deposit back will not help you once it's value has gone down when in the meantime the capital in his house goes up. It's very difficult to get your name on the deeds when the house is mortgaged. Stop asking your dp for answers and get them for yourself.

And sort your power of attorneys out too

He wants to protect your £25k, great. Well, that's if he doesn't stall and stonewall it - it's easier to delay and delay on this than a quick trip to the registry office.

But that £25k is actually worth a percentage of the equity in house, rather than only £25k. How much was the total deposit? What's the house worth now, looking at other similar houses for sale in the area? Your investment in the house should be equal to the same percentage of equity in the house as the deposit you invested.

I sense he'll only allow £25k though, which inflation will erode to little over 10-20 years.

Yes, he pays the mortgage, but your job is taking care of the home and feeding and cleaning for him. You do this unpaid and without even a share in the family £££ worth. You actually paid him a house deposit for the privilege of washing his pants! He's therefore ripping you off.

Are you claiming child benefit? If not, and you're not working, you'll miss out on the normal old age pension. A partner's or husband's employment status doesn't help with this.

You need to get a job immediately.

@EnglishMuffins

Just to update. We had the discussion last night and DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns. He agreed wholeheartedly to get a declaration of trust drawn up to ring fence my investment in the house. He also suggested my name going on the deeds. Marriage was never on the cards though. I was waiting like a passive fool for a proposal that was never coming. He said he wouldn’t rule it out completely forever, but he seemed far more agreeable to going down the legal route to tie matters up rather than the marriage route. For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

Well it's better than nothing. Now, if I was you I'd get a full time job...and make sure you both pay for childcare rather than it all coming out of your wages

He said he wouldn’t rule it out completely forever, but he seemed far more agreeable to going down the legal route to tie matters up rather than the marriage route. For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

He can't explain it to you as the real reason is because a divorce would be very expensive for him.
He's given you something, he has given you crumbs. You are not entitled to a (starting position) of half the marital assets if you split as you would be if married. That would cost him! As would the solicitors fees.

Yes, he is supporting you now, but he is doing that because he wants to, he gets something from it. He can stop that anytime he likes. He can change his will anytime he likes. All the control and independence is with him . And he is making sure it stays that way. Never forget that he is making sure it stays that way. Don't let love make you think 'love' means you accept that. He loves you too, but that hasn't stopped him from protecting his finances and future. And he's protecting them at your expense.

Keep talking to him, you are still vulnerable. And for god sake get a job to protect yourself and your future.

@DrSbaitso

DP was genuinely unaware of the financial position he’d put me, and of my concerns.

Well, he was aware enough to tell you you had to take it "on trust" when you first told him your concerns, and to understand that marriage creates bonds he doesn't want.

Is he aware that even after you both take these new measures, you'll still come off much the worse if you split up unmarried?

For reasons he couldn’t really get across to me..

Well, because he knows what it could mean for him if you split up...not keeping the lion's share of the pot and holding more or less all the strings, owing nothing to you. I don't know how to make that sound good either.

Still, better some protection than none, and better late than never.

Exactly. Of course he knows. Feigned ignorance. Ensure he gets on with the changes that have been raised for now, and perhaps suggest a civil partnership then which has legal protections as well.

OP, you seem to be ignoring that elephant in the room. You do not work therefore you are not financially independent. I am not sure your £25k being ringfenced is a win. It’s a start and a positive conversation with your partner is a good thing, but you are vulnerable should you split up, as you have no source of income. Being out of workforce is your biggest problem here.

@EnglishMuffins Suggest a civil partnership. If he does not want marriage he probably will not want one but it opens a conversation. ' So you are not keen on marriage or civil partnership? Can you describe your thought process behind not wanting either?'. Also you said you put in 25k to the first house but you both payed off the morgage from working. So is he only giving you the 25 k or will he give you back the money that you paid of the morgage of the previous house? If you insist on not working does it bother you that him choosing not to marry you means you are running his home and supporting him to build his carreer while he refuses to not share his pension ? You need to work full time and both contribute to nursery fees so you can build your own career and pension.

Please don't do all the work at home if you go back to work. If he does not want to share his pension he can scrub his own pants.

Go and see a solicitor alone and don’t just listen to what he’s telling you. Come back informed and able to tell him what you want.
He’s obviously not as committed as you think if he doesn’t want to marry you ( can’t fathom any reason why a guy wouldn’t with dc in the picture etc)
You need to look after yourself and your dc now

I am a trainee teacher. My fiance has health issues so can not work much and we have discussed him being a stay at home dad with some part time work. I have inherited a 5 figure sum too. I told my partner we should marry for HIS protection. I would be better off financially if I did not marry him. My parents have said that they could put my money with theirs to cash buy ( for negotiating lower sale price) then I can borrow to pay back their loan. He will not be involved in buying at the start, to make things less complex as he can't borrow much. However I told him if he will be a stay at home Dad so he needs protection, to share my pension, to register his home rights. Your partner should want to marry you to protect you. That's what you do when you ask someone to be a stay at home or very part time working parent.