How long did you take to get over parent's death

[Halloweencat]

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him :(

OP I'm so sorry to hear. My df died almost 14 years ago. It's only in the last 2 years that I've stopped bursting into tears when I hear a particular song on the radio. Tbh I mostly didn't even like my df. Don't be hard on yourself it takes a really long time x

Sorry newuser82, I'm not being clear. I mean I update my parents in my head - tell them what's going on in my life. They died many years ago. It makes me feel closer to them.

It’s been 3 years and today I put up the Christmas tree and told some nice little anecdote about that were triggered by certain ornaments. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel sad. A couple of weeks ago, I don’t even remember what triggered it, but spent 5 minutes sobbing like I had just lost her. It comes and goes, but most days are good now.

Never over it. She died 13 years ago. Your mum dying is like your heart being torn out. You never get over it, you just get more practised at ignoring the pain.

It’s been 3 1/2 years since my mum died and I can no over tell you how long in days or weeks. I didn’t try and buy her favourite chocolates when I was Christmas shopping this year. I think it’s getting better.

My dad died two years ago... I've found it 'unbearable'... like a physical ache/pain still most of the time. It made no difference that he was 89 and had a 'good life' and all that.. That just meant that I had him 50+ years so it's going to take time to 'recover' . And he spent so much time at my house - he's still 'everywhere' and I smell his jackets/his cooking ingredients/sit in 'his' chair/light incense at his shrine (he was Chinese Taoist) - I do remember someone saying 'it's been a year now, time to move on' when I was still incredulous that he'd gone/that the world would carry on turning... DM who was with him 60+ misses him terribly, but seems to cope 'better' somehow. I HAVE been told that I have 'complex grief' - where you can think of little else (even though I have a busy family life etc) /his last few weeks through a short illness seem to play on a reel in my head (especially the most difficult parts) but I'm having grief-counselling/CBT...

Also - this may sound weird & I don't know anyone in the same situation. Dad was Singaporean Chinese/mum's English & I live in the North of England... So, since he's been gone, when I see/hear Chinese voices (really NOT that often) I get a huge shock/raw pain.. I cannot go to Chinese restaurants - partly because we went to our two favourites for so many years, but because of an absolute dread of seeing elderly well-dressed Chinese grey-haired gentlemen in lovely suits & hearing lots of Chinese being spoken. I went to the Chinese supermarket 2/3 times and sobbed my way around. And wished i'd asked him more questions about everything Chinese. And if I had a pound for everyone who suggested that I should go 'home' to Singapore because it would be 'good for me', when the very idea, at the moment - seems pointless/torturous and I cannot imagine walking down those roads without him, ever (am proper ugly-crying now - but if crying was an Olympic sport I'd have won a medal)

Lost my mum very suddenly last year 6 weeks before I had my first baby. I know with every part of me I'll never be fully happy or ok again she was everything and more . It has changed me forever

You describe it perfectly @Udouhun

Mother87

I’m crying along with you too now.

My mum died in March. I have had an incredibly busy year trying to sort out everything and help my dad who isn't really coping. Day to day I'm fine, but underneath I'm miserable and don't have much time to process it. I don't really know how I am. I'm not myself. DH made a relatively harmless comment the other day questioning a decision I made about how we spend her first birthday without her and I completely lost it and broke down into hysterical sobbing for 20 minutes. Surprised myself! Sobbing sounds so similar to laughing, it was actually really disconcerting.

@MayorGundersonsDogRufus totally resonate with the no time to process it I rarely let my head go there or I get very low and with 2 children 16months and a 2 week old I just can't
What did he say out of interest? X

You might not want to hear this op but for me the answer is never. I still cry sometimes and I’m 10 years on from the death of the last parent. I was only 30 and 32 when I lost them both so I don’t know if that makes a difference as I’m often sad for what they’ve missed - eg meeting my children.

Over time it becomes more manageable but I couldn’t say “get over” applies.

Lost my mum 24 years ago and I still think of her everyday and miss her terribly. It does get less raw though and you learn to deal with it. Having said that I still cry sometimes when I think or talk about her. I feel as if I haven’t seen her for so long and yet feel as though it only happened yesterday. I don’t think life is ever quite the same when you lose a parent but you learn how to cope better.

You don't get over it. It just becomes part of you and you learn how to live with it.

I lost my father as a child .even now miss him .my mum 12 years ago now. Always feel a little tender at Christmas. That first year is so very hard I think .the grief is so very raw . Cruse are a wonderful organisation. Doesn't matter if loss was yesterday or 20 years ago .free counselling or a donation if possible is appreciated. Sending hugs to you xx

Oh OP I'm sorry for your loss, and just to say I literally could have written this post myself, this is how I feel. It's 6 months since my dad died, and we're coming up to what would have been his 70th birthday (with my mum's 70th birthday just a few days after it) so I'm sort of dreading it and wanting at the same time to try and make my mum's birthday and Christmas special still even though it's so hard. Day to day one moment to the next I'm fine apart from at least once a day it just hits me out of nowhere. I do sort of get what people say about it not getting easier you just build your life around the grief. I also remember him fondly with so much love every single day as well, and speak to his photo.

Hi OP, I am sorry for your loss. My mom died when I was ten, and that is now more than 30 years ago. I still miss her, there is not a day when I do not. Over time, the pain reduces to a low level, but sometimes and events are still triggering. IMO I would deal with each day as it comes. Do not expect to "get over" such a loss. Try and concentrate on the positives of the life your loved one had and the good times you shared. Do not be afraid to seek professional help or counselling.

@Ilikeviognier sorry for your losses. I think that's possibly the hardest part for me I had my first baby 6 weeks after my mum suddenly died last year at 63 and I was 27 I r just had my second a fortnight ago and it hit me all over again another child she will never know and they will never have the incredible grandma that she would of been. It hurts deep

One problem I’m finding is that just when I want to check in with my lovely old late Ma - at times when I need her love and/or wise counsel most - is when it hurts the most - just when already at low ebb. It does however help me to think two things -
She’d want nothing more than for me to be ok - that sometimes ‘Bucks me up’ a bit.
I also like pps ‘talk to her’ sometimes/update her - usually mentally not actually out loud (although that has been known.

@rainyskylight

Of course you are obsessed with him tonight. You should be. Drink the wine and listen to his favourite music. Go into the hole, the crying will feel better at the end.

I’m only a little further along. My father died almost 3 years ago. I think of him lots. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. The grief has sort of become part of me. I seek it out when I want his company. It gets easier. But it never goes away. And you’ll never want it to.

This explains it better than I could, hugs to you for your loss.

@mrssunshinexxx yes the children thing really hurts doesn’t it? Not having that person to ask for advice in the newborn days - it’s a really lonely place to be even if you have other support.

I also grieve a lot for the relationship I should have had With them as I got older- I’m a lot more mature since having kids for example, and I have a lot of questions I’ll never get answers to but wouldn’t have asked at 30.

It’s very difficult.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't think there's any "right" length of time for this. Everyone is different people react in strikingly different ways.

Superficially I recovered from the death of both of my parents fairly well: I didn't really have the period of grief after they passed away that I expected to: I felt sad and shocked for a couple of weeks but honestly I've felt worse after some breakups.

But it has crept up on me over the long term and also I think my reactions to both of my parents' deaths came out in surprising and indirect ways: my marriage broke down a couple of months after my mum died and looking back I'm pretty sure that my decision not to accept more of my husband's bad treatment was triggered by my mum's death.

Anyway, whatever you're experiencing is totally normal.

My dad died in summer. I've only cried once really, I just try to avoid thinking about it, as I don't want to confront it.

I actually wonder if maybe I'm incapable of feeling, maybe I'm cold-hearted, not sure really.

My youngest died 10 years ago and that hit me like a ton of bricks, took ages to come to terms with, and still not over it.

My brother died suddenly last year. It caused the same horrible feeling in the pit of my tummy and I was totally devastated.

I expected to feel the same over my dad. I'd been terrified of anything happening to him since I was young...really, really scared. So the fact that I've 'carried on' is deeply troubling to me.

Very sorry for your loss. The first two years can be very raw.

You are early days and it will get better - new joys and connections will come in to your life - but I think grief is something you live alongside. My mum died nearly 20 years ago - mostly I just live my life and the people that are in it now are at the forefront, and I can enjoy happy memories of her - but there still moments I really miss her.