How long did you take to get over parent's death

[Halloweencat]

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him :(

[Emerald5hamrock]

I don't know OP.
There is no specific time.
DM died in April 2020 I was avoiding dealing with it, talking to her daily in my mind then Dad died unexpectedly last month.
I'm locked myself in an invisible box getting through the days ignoring my feelings.
I'm scared to acknowledge my loss and fall apart.
I am numb.

[Suzanne999]

Anniversaries are always difficult, and I think the first is probably the worst. The run up to the anniversary is usually more difficult than the day itself.
Every loss is individual, each person grieves differently. Some days are just days to cry. You’ll find that with time the good days outnumber the bad days. We never forget, we learn to live differently with the loss. But it will get easier, I promise.

[Saskatcha]

My father died many years ago now. I’m not a deep thinker really and don’t think about him much day to day Fairly recently his family scattered the ashes of one of his elderly aunts. There was a photo of his cousins on Facebook and one had commented ‘so sad that one cousin is missing’. I thought it was lovely that they had remembered him and then realised it was just that one of their other cousins had left before the picture was taken. I was totally distraught for about a week!

[Halloweencat]

Thank you everyone for your messages of support. I was having a very bad day. The last few days have been better, I guess it will be up & down for quite some time yet! I am grateful he lived to a good age & went relatively quickly without too much suffering xx

[Bywayofanupdate]

My mum died 3 years ago and I am nowhere near over it. The memories are getting better though, for a long time my memories were of her last few days where she was so unwell. I do still get waves of absolute heartbreak but have learned to let myself obsess and cry. Big hugs to you ❤️

[zingally]

My dad died 4 years ago in September, completely out of the blue. I think of him at least once, every day.
I try to let the anniversary of his death pass me by in all honesty, but on his birthday I make a point to do something he would have enjoyed. This past September I got myself a takeaway curry. He loved a curry, and a takeaway was a real treat for him.

I'd say it took somewhere between a year and 18 months for me to get my sense of equilibrium back completely. Every so often I get hit with some feelings, but I am able to shrug them off pretty quickly.

I wish he was still here, of course. But I don't actively MISS him any more, if that makes sense?

[TheCreamCaker]

My mum died aged 72 in 1995, when I was 36. I still miss her. Dad died 2000 and although I miss him too, it's not the same as missing my mum. She didn't get to see my sons grow up into handsome, lovely men.
Sorry for your loss.

[JudgeJ]

I'm not sure you ever do get over it, my Dad died 35 years ago, working that out has shocked me and caused a sniff or two, but there will always be little things that upset you. If I see a western film on TV and it shows certain very recognisible places I am back in our living room watching with him, when we subsequently got to visit these places I always felt he was with us. If I see snooker on TV I'm back there watching Pot Black, in black and white and he could distinguish all the 'colours from their shade of grey! Oddly enough I don't have so many moments about my mother who died 20 years ago, except when our football team does well, I know she would be cheering and her neighbour would know she was still alive!

[Ghostlyglow]

You learn how to live with it. You never get over it.

[Kitkat151]

27 years since my dad died...I don’t think you ever get over it....just learn to live with it....and time distanced you from the acute pain.....but the pain is still there....always

[A580Hojas]

I wasn't very close to my father so it honestly didn't take me long to get over his death. It wasn't unusual for me to go weeks without thinking about him, in life or death.

But I did have a bit of a wobble around the first anniversary of his death. I stopped feeling sad about it after a few months in all honesty. Not the same for all of my siblings, has to be said!

[Vates]

p.s. lost my Mum over 9 years ago now. But I don't have a husband/partner, children etc. So if you have any siblings who don't have anyone then I would be concerned about them.

[Vates]

You do learn to live with it and it does get easy each year. I lost my Mum at age 67 within 24 hours of being admitted to hospital. She wasn't in the best of health but not expected to die either.

If you can afford private mental health care then use it. I was slicing up my arms big time and got told to come back in 6 months if it was because of grief still causes me a 'problem' so they knew it wasn't just 'grief'. If you can manage to get together the funds for counselling or any kind of beneficial therapy then I would do that.

[upinaballoon]

....and by putting this post up you have given lots of us a little opening for another step in our griefs.

[upinaballoon]

I haven't read all the thread. I'm replying to your first post. A year is not long. If we love people we cannot lose them without some grief, but we gradually get used to them not being around. I am as hard as nails and not sad and it is over 50 years since my mother died, but if I sat with someone and talked out loud through her last year and her death I would have tears running down my face. Be easy on yourself. Don't drive everyone else mad with it, but I repeat, a year is not long.

[madnessitellyou]

I've just had the first anniversary of my dad's death. I've been feeling "off" for a few weeks and I know it's that. He was elderly, but until the last 48 hours or so was really quite fine for his age so it happened quite quickly. I last saw him conscious two days before he died and I just knew. I miss him more than I can express.

I'm an only child so it's been hard trying to sort my mum out who's not so young herself and not in the best of health.

[Hippychicken1]

@Chikapu I feel exactly the same
I don’t feel any real difference now to when my parents passed away. When I read of peoples grief I just don’t get it . I feel like I ought to be crying and overwhelmed but I’m really not
I say all the right stuff to people but …


I’m glad that neither of my parents are in pain confused and on their own
I absolutely wouldn’t want them back if it meant they were back as they were when they passed away I’m glad they are at peace .
There are a few regrets but nothing i can’t live with or feel guilty about . My mum and dad were both lovely simple people who I loved very much

Although I’m adopted and I often wonder if my lack of feelings for most stuff that most people say they would fall apart over has something to do with this .
My son bought me a mug once that says
“ I don’t care who dies in the film as long as the dog lives “ 😂 and I think that probably sums me up perfectly

[MeanderingGently]

Sending my sympathy. When my father died (some years ago) my mother never got over it, ever. They were as close as any couple could be and therefore quite understandable.

It took me 18 months grieving. I wasn't crying all the time but I missed him and was often in an 'odd' mood etc. Then one day, about 18 months later, I suddenly realised I was no longer sad, it was as though a sadness weight had been lifted. I still missed him but I could talk/think about it without the pain, I'd sort of accepted the fact that he was gone.

I hope you find some peace.....

[mrssunshinexxx]

@Ilikeviognier yes totally. I'm recovering from an emergency section again with no family support I'm NC with my dad and in laws have beeen insensitive arseholes since my mum died so I keep them at arms length. I just want my mum to scoop me up. No matter how old we get we always want our mum.
Yes good point so much I wish I had asked about her childhood and mine , her first boyfriend , first heartbreak . Don't know any of it , like you say you don't ask and you think you have more time

[Evelyn52]

It never goes away and there are times now 10 years on I'm overwhelmed with grief but you learn to live with it and it does get easier. The raw grief you describe started to slowly life about 18 months after xx

[TurquoiseDragon]

I am sorry for your loss

It's the first anniversary, and in a way it's significant because it's a stark reminder of loss. Don't be hard on yourself. I think allowing yourself to feel the grief and go with the flow of it helps more than bottling it up.

Mum died 3 years ago. We knew it was coming, although we all thought/hoped she would be with us for longer.

I find it hard to cry, and never in front of others. Doesn't mean I wasn't sad. I still have moments when I feel the loss deeply, and I go somewhere private and cry. Not often these days, usually when something has triggered a memory.

It does get easier, though. And I rermember things about Mum that make me smile, and even laugh. I mark her birthday (in the summer so I go for a solo walk and stop to remember her), with Dad and DBro. I do little things, like making sure there are daffodils in the house at Xmas (she always did that) and that Dad has some, too.

They say time heals, but I think it's more that time helps us to live with the loss.

[Chikapu]

I've lost both my mum and dad within the last couple of years, I don't have the heart ripped out feeling, I think of both of them with a feeling of joy. I get the occasional feeling of sadness but it's not overwhelming, maybe I'm unusual in this?

[BathshebaAndGabriel]

Oh love, my heart goes out to you.

My beloved Dad died very suddenly in 2013 and I still weep occasionally but not as often. And think of him every day.

Grief is a cruel mistress.

You remember your Dad and all he was.

As an old east end sage said to me as she let me put my head on her should and have a little cry at a bus stop “grief is an extension of a love story innit, babe”

[TarpaulinEyes]

I think the first year is particularly hard as you are remembering the year before when you still had your parent and things you did together. The second year it really hits you but people expect you to have 'got over it'.

My Dad died suddenly nearly 30 years ago and it took me years to get over but had my Mum to help. When Mum died five years ago I didn't have that support and still feel her loss greatly. Acceptance came when I could say or write the word died rather than passed away or lost. Anniversaries are still painful, the build up to them although the actual day passes quickly.

If you are having a bad day counter it with happier memories of your Dad and times together. Accept we are all different and cope in different ways. Whatever you do will be right for you. If you don't want or feel like doing something just say 'I don't want to'. We are conditioned to say yes so saying no is very liberating and stuff anyone who questions it.

[PinkArt]

I found it a lot easier after that first year. The first Christmas without my mum was tough and I remember being full of rage during the first Mothers' Day as all of the 'tell your mum how much you love her' felt very personal when I couldn't. It's been almost ten years now and sometimes it will still hit me in the guts but not anywhere near as painfully as it did in the beginning.