How long did you take to get over parent's death

[Halloweencat]

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him :(

My dad died very suddenly when I was 23 , he was 51 - I’m now in my mid 50s and I’ve still not come to terms with it properly . My mum died a couple of years ago , at home after a 6/7 month illness I was as close to her as I was my dad yet I’d come to terms with her death within a couple of weeks . Grief is odd .

@Newuser82

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

No, not at all, don't think that. My experience is that life has become sort of like a patchwork of different emotions, but there are lots of happy 'squares' on the blanket and they get brighter as time goes on. Sorry for the metaphor but that's the best way I can think to describe it.

My dad died in 2004 aged 71 (too young for this day & age) coming home from work the other night Rod Stewart singing ‘Sailing’ came on the radio. I had to pull over about half a mile from home as I was crying. It was one of my Dad’s favourite songs and reminds me of him. You will learn to live with it but never fully get over it.

My mum lost her mother 28 years ago now and she's never been able to "get over it" still grieves for her. Anniversaries are worse as she just doesn't function leading up to during and after the date of her death. :(

Thanks for that. Yes, it makes sense. Thanks a lot x

@Newuser82 my dad died when I was 25, 17 years now and while I still miss him, would love to talk to him and feel like we didn’t have enough time it’s not raw now.
Ive known great happiness since, even though at the time I was devastated by his death and not very well supported.
We had such a great relationship I have a wonderful store of memories to draw on and can now think of him with more love than pain.
The first couple of years were particularly hard but I do think it was partly a lack of support network (weird relationship with mum, useless partner, just moved away from friends)

I’m so terribly sorry to all posters for their losses.
My parents are 80 and ok ish health wise … mum failing more than dad (dementia)
I’m so grateful to still have them , though aware of the inevitability of life .
This thread has been interesting as I have wondered how I will feel/ cope in the future .

I wish you all a happy festive season and hope that the memories of your loved ones give you smiles along with the tears xx

My Dad died in August 2020. It hurts so much. It's still raw and painful especially as I hadn't been able to see him in person because of lockdowns and a medical issue of mine meaning I had to self isolate.

Cry if you need to, do what you feel like doing.

Hope you begin to feel a bit easier when you think of him.

Almost 2 years since I lost my Dad. The pain is less and you learn to live with their absence. Grief still hits me in the most unexpected ways at times though.
I can thoroughly recommend a book called Grief Writer - A Journal, by Dr Laura Williams. A beautiful book written by a clinical psychologist with lived experience. It has really helped me to process my grief and channel it into happy memories. I had/have a lot of anger surrounding the circumstances of my Dad's premature death and ongoing investigations.
There's no real timeline I think, I hope to get to a day where I feel truly at peace with his passing.

Velvetpain
21 is so young to lose your mother. I am sorry and know exactly what you mean about being in physical pain.

I do not think you get over losing a parent, the pain lessens and you learn to live with it.

I’m sorry for your loss. That’s so young to lose your dad. Nice to hear you had a lovely relationship. I feel like I was close to my dad but he was an alcoholic and died due to this so things weren’t always straightforward. My mum is long remarried and things are difficult with her reaction, my sister hadn’t spoken to him for years and so that’s not easy. Families!!!

I found the one year anniversary to be a major hurdle, and then things got easier. The first year you have all the ‘this time last year’ to get through as well as the grief, plus the looming first anniversary.

Go east on yourself OP

Dad died 6 years ago in hospital. The care was terrible as was his death.

I am nowhere near over it. I am angry as fuck and so sad. I have a great big professional photograph of him smiling on the top of a mountain, that was taken back in the 1990s. His picture keeps me going.

For me, the first year after my Dad died was hard. I was very emotionally up and down, and the weeks leading up to the first anniversary were tough. Strangely, the date itself wasn't that bad, I think the anticipating was worse. For me, after the first year, things began to click into place and while I still missed him, it got better. Seven years on, I would say I am over it. I still think about him a lot, but it isn't painful.

I guess it depends on the circumstances and relationship you have with them. My Dad was very sick and his death was expected and it was the best outcome considering his condition and how it could potentially have deteriorated further. I wasn't hugely close to him growing up, but he was my Dad and he was there and he did absolutely play a major role in my life. I suspect when my Mother, who I have always been close to, dies, it will be much, much harder.

My Mum died decades ago, i haven't got over it but i have learned to live with it. Once the first anniversaries are over you begin to look forward. x

I’m sorry for your loss - a year is nothing. The firsts are bad (Christmas, birthday, Father’s Day etc) then you get pangs when you have kids, go certain places, remember things they’d say...

The bad days become fewer and the pain lessens. It is a bloody ninja though and will leap on you out of the blue.

It’s 19 years since we lost dad and I still really miss him - there has been so many times when I really want to speak to him or tell him something happened, or ask his advice. Mum died 14 years ago and it’s same deal.

But you do get to the point when you can make jokes and laugh at the daft things they would say or do.

There isn’t a roadmap for grief and people go at their own pace. My sister is terminally ill and I am already mourning her and feeling so dreadful for her children (grown up) and don’t know how I will cope.

@Newuser82 I've lost both parents and my sister in 4 years, I just turned 33 (for perspective), although it feels completely shit when you lose someone, you will eventually be able to take great comfort from the good memories and the happiness of those memories becomes a sort of patronus charm when it gets tough. I say that as someone who has been through hell, the devastating and overwhelming grief will not overtake you forever ❤

My Mum died years ago at the age of 83. I was sad, of course I was. I had days early on when the tears overcame me.

I knew I was grieving for me, becauseI had lostl my Mum, not for her.

Her cause of death was multiple organ failure.

I read that as her as her wringing every last ounce of her life out of her organs.

We all grieve in our own way. There are no rules for grieving.

I had my way, you have yours.

I think of her often, but I no longer count anniversaries.

I am so sorry OP.
The first anniversary of any close family member’s death is really hard I think. It does get easier but it is nine years since I lost my Dad and I still feel sad around the anniversary, his birthday, and Christmas.
Of course I miss him all the time, but there are times when it is more painful. When my daughters do something he would be proud of, or enjoy sharing, I find that gives me a stabby pain of grief.
You do adjust to the loss of course, but you also always miss the person.

11 years for mum and 7 on Christmas Day for dad. Miss them both still terribly, and still have days where it hits me as though it was only yesterday. Christmas will always be particularly tricky, with it being dads anniversary. However, there are many more days now when memories bring comfort rather than pain, and laughter rather than tears. Hang in in there, you never 'get over it' but it does get less difficult ( never easy!)

Op not easy. My dad died 3 years ago. Had been sick a long time. Some months Im great then I get upset. But grief has no pattern. It was a relief too for him but a big loss to us. Hard on my mum

Thank you, that’s good to know. I’m so sorry for your losses!

It's been 9 years since my dad died - his funeral was on the 27th November. Silly things make me cry- the odd song, coming across a photo of him. This time of year is always really hard but I am not wiped out by grief the rest of the year.

You don't get over it but you do start living again. Grief comes and goes.

Before she died my Mum said 'you will live your life and you will be surprised how much you remember'.

I found the rawness (great word for it) started to feel less like an open wound and more like a dull ache after the first anniversary.