Page 2 | How long did you take to get over parent's death

HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 26/11/2021 18:24

@Newuser82 yes you probably will. But the happy things in life will start to balance it out. So whilst you will always feel a certain sadness when you think of them or are reminded of them, that dull, constant sadness does fade, and then you start to remember the happy and the funny things about them more than the sadness of losing them. I miss my dad at least 20 times a day, but I also smile rather than cry to think of him more often than not now.

Funkyslippers · 26/11/2021 18:27

Both my parents have gone but felt quite different for each one.

My mum died very suddenly nearly 30 years ago when I was only 18. I lived with her and was barely an adult so hit me like a ton of bricks and I still sometimes can't believe it happened and miss her so much every day. It has got easier over time though.

My dad died 2 years ago at age 81. I was very upset at the time but he'd had a good innings and was quite frail towards the end. I also didn't see that much of him so found his death easier to cope with.

I read a book on grief at the time and it really helped so I suggest you do the same and get lots of support ❤️

Sturmundcalm · 26/11/2021 18:28

my mum died just over a year ago, my dad just less than a year ago. i found this spring/summer incredibly difficult as i tried to work through the loss.

in the last 6 weeks or so i have definitely felt a change in how i'm coping with life generally - and i think part of it was that we had a memorial event with lots of family and friends there which was missing for both of their funerals due to covid restrictions. i really think it helped me just move on a bit because while it wasn't perfect it was a bit more of an acknowledgement of the impact they had on so many people and their lives overall rather than the (very) restricted funerals we were allowed at the time.

is there a possibility that covid restrictions are part of the grief you feel because you didn't get to properly grieve at the time?

i do still have odd days though where i am suddenly thinking of them all the time...

Newuser82 · 26/11/2021 18:32

[quote HandforthParishCouncilClerk]@Newuser82 yes you probably will. But the happy things in life will start to balance it out. So whilst you will always feel a certain sadness when you think of them or are reminded of them, that dull, constant sadness does fade, and then you start to remember the happy and the funny things about them more than the sadness of losing them. I miss my dad at least 20 times a day, but I also smile rather than cry to think of him more often than not now.[/quote]
Thanks for being honest. It’s very sad!

Hippychicken1 · 26/11/2021 18:38

Everyone is different I know I am
I’ve lost both my parents in two years I’ve dealt with two funerals 2x probate and a house sale the day after my father died I was arranging his funeral and death certificate

I’ve not cried once and don’t feel sad or even upset like most people do and just sort of accept it as they were old in bad health and death for both of them was a release of suffering
I think I’m either very lucky or just a fucking sociopath with no feelings I’m not sure

And I was very close to both of my parents and had a good relationship with both of them

Merrybadger · 26/11/2021 18:39

For me the first year was raw pain, shock and survival. Then years two and three were deep sadness. By year four the rawness had gone. Anniversaries weren’t quite so painful. I still tend to slump into a depression prior to their birthday and don’t realise until a week or so on the other side when I feel myself again.

yellowflowersintherain · 26/11/2021 18:40

Interesting thread. My husband’s dad died nearly a month ago and I have been wondering the same (I don’t mean that to sound unsympathetic or impatient as I realise how awful it is for him and that ultimately it will just take as long as it takes).

It obviously isn’t anywhere near as hard for me as it is for him, but I’m finding it strange as it’s the first time ever in our relationship where there is just nothing I can do to make things better. It is what it is and we can never go back to how things were before

ParkheadParadise · 26/11/2021 18:44

I still miss my mum she died 4years ago. My died died over 20 years ago.
My dd died 6 years ago. They are all buried together.
The only comfort I have is they are all together. Christmas always makes me sad.

Suzi888 · 26/11/2021 18:44

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s still very early days.
For me, around 10 years before I could talk about him without crying and recall the happier times (he had cancer and he was strong, he suffered a long time).
I still think of him, but the happier times now replace the lead up to his passing.

LittleDandelionClock · 26/11/2021 18:46

@Halloweencat

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him :(

It was several years after their deaths before I could think about my parents without weeping. They died 6 months apart, so it was a tough time! Even now though, I have not got over it, never will (It was the early to mid noughties...) I was only in my late 30s.

I have times when I feel melancholy and wish I could have them back - just for a month - to show them lots of cool things that they missed out on, and take them places they never went. My mother never went abroad, and I would love her to be here now so I could take her for a weekend to Paris.

My dad would love Netflix, and smartphones, and all the fab 2010s and 2020s tech, and would love where we live now (in the countryside where he always wanted to live.) And they would both be so proud of our 20-something daughter. (She was 8-9 when they died, and misses them too.)

I miss them especially at Christmas. I love Christmas, and really enjoy it, but it has its melancholy moments too, as I think so much about my parents, and the wonderful Christmases of my childhood with them......

SO sorry for your loss @Halloweencat Don't expect to get over them soon though. Could be a few years yet. Talk to us on here, we are here to listen.

Chloemol · 26/11/2021 18:47

It does get easier, but even now 11 years later if I see someone in the distance that sort of looks like my dad my heart lurches

But whilst I don’t think about him daily now, I do at various key times and still every so often th8nk dad would like that

clarepetal · 26/11/2021 18:53

@rainyskylight

Of course you are obsessed with him tonight. You should be. Drink the wine and listen to his favourite music. Go into the hole, the crying will feel better at the end.

I’m only a little further along. My father died almost 3 years ago. I think of him lots. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. The grief has sort of become part of me. I seek it out when I want his company. It gets easier. But it never goes away. And you’ll never want it to.

My dad died 5 years ago, but I resonate with this quote.

LadyFlumpalot · 26/11/2021 18:58

My lovely mum died four years ago, she was only 64 so it was a bit of a shock. I'm nowhere near over it and find myself missing her dreadfully at random times.

I've found the ball analogy helpful, the idea that your pain is in a box with a ball bouncing around in it. When the grief is new the box is small and the bouncing ball smacks into the pain all the time, as time goes by the box gets bigger so the ball smacks into the pain less often. It still hurts as much, but happens less and less.

I'm sorry for your loss, don't rush yourself.

Moonshine5 · 26/11/2021 19:00

@LolaButt

You don’t get over it. You find a way to live with it sadly.

Its ok to feel how you feel x

This x100

BloodyAlarms · 26/11/2021 19:09

My dad was an amazing man. It's also the 1st anniversary for his death soon.

Honestly, he wasn't a well man. I'm happy he died before all of his dignity had been taken. It really is what he would have wanted.

I miss him but I didn't grieve his death.

JaceLancs · 26/11/2021 19:12

I’m just on 3 years of losing my Dad it is less raw and painful but still miss him dreadfully

spanieleyes · 26/11/2021 19:13

My parents both died within 10 days of each other just over a year ago. It is still hard but most days I get through, it's just "events" now that really bring it home, not needing to buy Xmas presents for them, passing by the football ground dad used to spend so much time, favourite cafe mum used to love, even some foods they liked all bring a sense of loss back.

PermanentTemporary · 26/11/2021 19:18

My dad died 2 years ago. I felt mostly relief and didn't grieve at all, though sometimes I feel a bit of wistfulness based on the catastrophic upbringing he was subjected to. For the first time in my life I could let go of the trolley of worry, stress and complication that went with being his child - and I had it easy compared to my older brother and sister.

crystal1717 · 26/11/2021 19:20

24 years since losing my mum. Its definitely easier now. I can cope and feel sympathy when other people lose their parents.
I wish it hadnt affected my life so much. I can accept now that death is part of life and everyone has had bereavements.
Just do what you can, everyone grieves in different ways.

Topseyt · 26/11/2021 19:25

I think it is definitely a case of learning to live with the loss rather than "getting over" it. Many people never do consider that they have got over it, but they do get better at living with it.

My Dad died in March of this year, so I am about 8 months on now. The pain is less acute on a day to day basis but it does still hit me when I go to visit my mother in the house they shared for over 50 years, and in which my sister and I grew up. It is the thought that he will never again be there with his big hugs for us, and his effusive welcomes.

It is very hard. I know that. I am sorry for your loss. I guess we all just have to be kind to ourselves and take things day by day. You feel how you feel and that is valid. It takes as long as it takes.

sevencontinents · 26/11/2021 19:30

19 years now, nearly half my life without my mum.
She has left a gaping hole that I will never get over but I do accept it. I get envious of friends who are close to their mums and furious with those who take them for granted. Despite this, I somehow have managed to build a happy life. Most of all, I love it when I dream about her. She is always healthy and happy but those dreams are rare these days.

EcoCustard · 26/11/2021 19:33

My Dad died 26 years ago when I was 14, never got over it as such as it had such an impact on life. It became more bearable as the years have gone on, still occasions it floors me though.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 26/11/2021 19:33

Coming up to an anniversary, especially the first, is always very difficult, I dreaded it and it was pretty awful, but once it was over, life went back to a more normal feeling, where if something reminds you or you have a moment, you feel sad, but it doesn't dominate your everyday life.

I like the advice of the person to go with it- I think having a good howl, listening to evocative music, thinking about them, just have a few days like that is better than trying to block it all the time. It is very sad, you have lost someone and there's no getting away from it.

I do also think though that in my case I know the person who died loved life so much that they wouldn't want me to be too sad or it to dominate my life, so being happy and enjoying myself is part of their legacy in a way. Not to say I don't have sad moments, or sad periods, but once the first year was over it wasn't as raw for me anyway.

TerribleZebra · 26/11/2021 19:35

My dad died very suddenly it took me until the funeral 6 weeks later to get over it. He wasn't hugely pleasant and it was just relief really. My lovely MIL can't get her head round people not grieving for years and keeps telling DH it will hit me soon. He's been dead 12 years.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 26/11/2021 19:36

I agree with everyone though, you don't 'get over' someone's death, you learn to joggle alongside it, and it comes back and bites you every now and again. That really awful raw feeling will pass though, it's natural to feel pretty terrible with the anniversary coming up so be kind to yourself.