How long did you take to get over parent's death

[Halloweencat]

Don't know if I'm posting on the right thread, but my question is exactly my title. Coming up to the 1st anniversary of my dad's death. I have a supportive family & friends so I'm lucky with that. Have quite a few good days now, but every now & again it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. Feel very sorry for my mum too, she's lost her soul mate. They are old, so you know one day in the not too distant future the inevitable will happen, its life; but how long did you take before your parents became a lovely memory, rather than feeling like your heart has been ripped out? Today I'm practically obsessed with him :(

So sorry for your loss x

My dad died 26 years ago. He died 3 months after I got married. The last time I saw him was my wedding day. We lived in different countries. That sounds terrible but I like it. He was in great form as father of the bride and it’s a lovely last memory. He died suddenly and horribly and I still don’t talk about it much. Sorry, I just don’t. He was only 56....only a year old than I am now.

My mum died 10 years ago. She was only 67 so still not that old, but she died of cancer and it was more ‘natural’ so easier to deL with.

I still think of them daily and often think ‘what would mum and dad do/think’ when making decisions. I’m always reminded of them usually nice memories eg remember going places with them etc.

It gets easier, trust me xxx

@bluetongue that's pretty much the only solace I'm taking at the moment as my father in law has been in a home for nearly seven years now with dementia. He's much younger than my dad was. It has been a dreadful, slow, horrific and undignified demise. The doctors thought he would be gone years ago now but he is still here. I would take my dad's end any day of the week but it still is horrible and I haven't even begun to accept it let alone anything else.

My Dad died suddenly in 1988 and I certainly was very shocked and then sad for many years. It was the fear of something bad happening again unexpectedly that was my problem.
My darling Mum died unexpectedly in 2014 and I was absolutely devastated,miss her so much but now just have lovely chats about her to my sister and my children who all adored her ….she was very unique and quirky! The long term problem for me is my anxiety if my phone rings and I don’t get to it in time because the day my mum died I didn’t pick up and it was her number. I thought I would call her back after eating a sandwich. It was in fact a paramedic calling me from my mums landline . So basically I have accepted her death and in hindsight it was the perfect way for anyone to die but not picking up my phone has left me with so much anxiety about the rest of my family.
OP keep yourDD in your thoughts ,talk about him to your Mum and keep his memory alive 💐

13 years this year and it's only about 2 years since I can properly laugh and smile at jokes my dad used to say, or retell stories but I t was about a year/2 years after he died before I could go about daily life without a constant broken hearted feeling. Thoughts are totally with you

@Newuser82

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

Sorry to hear about your dad. What you're going through is awful but don't worry, I think most people would agree you won't feel as sad as this for the rest of your life. I'm coming up 10 years now since my much loved dad died and I don't feel the same strength of pain now as the early days and even years. I think what PPs are getting at is that if you were close to your parent you'll always miss them and even years later you'll wish they could be there to share or see some things. But although there is some sadness in that it isn't like the raw grief of the initial passing. All the best.

27 years and counting

@Notsureaboutusername

My dad died in 2004 aged 71 (too young for this day & age) coming home from work the other night Rod Stewart singing ‘Sailing’ came on the radio. I had to pull over about half a mile from home as I was crying. It was one of my Dad’s favourite songs and reminds me of him. You will learn to live with it but never fully get over it.

A few weeks after my dad died I was in an Irish bar ( I’m Irish descent, that’s how we were in different countries, they’d moved back) and the band were playing Black Velvet Band. My dad used to sing that (especially after a few pints of Guinness). It stopped me in my tracks. Now I can hear it with a smile.

I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly 14 months ago.

I find it harder now in some respects. The finality and totality of her death is still unbearable. But the raw, all consuming, deep and dark grief has lifted a little. There are still times I want to throw a toddler style tantrum, lay on the floor and scream "I want my mum"

It doesn't get easier, it gets different and you learn to manage and cope.

It's utterly shit though.

After the first few years it feels less raw and intense... less like you're on the verge of tears all the time. We always know we will lose our parents, that's just the natural order but certain factors can make it more traumatic.

@Newuser82

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

It is awful. Truly awful.

Been 21 years and I’ll never get over it. I was only 9 but we were incredibly close so there is that extra layer to it but I still cry about it from time to time. Anniversaries, Christmas etc can sometimes be unbearable, other years I don’t think about it so much. I personally find it comes in waves and hurts more when there’s something id want to share with him.

My mum died 7 years ago. I'm still not over it. Don't get me wrong, everyday life is bearable and has been for over 5 years, but I still cry every few months and feel excruciatingly sad when I think about my loss. Although saying that, I do try to remind myself that I'm very lucky to have had such a lovely mum.

@RoyKentsHairyBack

I think I'm a bit weird here if it helps. I was close to my dad and the actual few weeks where we lost him (rapidly to cancer - less than 6 weeks from diagnosis to death) were some of the worst of my life.

However I 'got over' him quite quickly in that I moved on from raw grief in a couple of months. I think about him most if not every day, talk about him constantly so he very much loved and in no way forgotten but the visceral pain was shorter than I expected frankly.

I have been the same with grandparents who I loved very much as well. However the one I can't cope with is a sibling loss - that does reduce me to tears immediately despite being well over 5 years ago. I can't ever imagine getting over that one.

I'm similar to you, and also worried that I'm weird. Death of my sibling took many, many years to get over and to feel ok 'most of the time' again. All other deaths since, including my mum, I feel sad but haven't grieved deeply. I think I've got to the stage of acceptance that (most) deaths are a part of life. I know this is quite an odd perspective.

I lost my dad very suddenly in 2016. I’d say I was certainly crying and breaking down for around 2 years, managed to stabilise for the 3rd year and I’m sort of dealing with it now.
I will never get over it as he was wrongly taken from us so it was difficult to deal with.
All the things I wish I had said and I’m very ashamed of a lot of my behaviour.
I think about him often and the kids and I speak of him on a daily basis.
I worry about losing my mum all the time because really, for a lot of people, parents are whom we depend upon to love us unconditionally. Now he’s gone, I feel such a loss of self and when my mum goes, I’ll actually feel alone.
Yes I’ll have the kids to live for but I’m their parent.
I’m going off on one now but it’s a very difficult thing to overcome.
One thing I did do though was grow up and realise that life is short.

My dad died almost 14 years ago (I was 20). I wouldn't say I'm "over" it. I miss him often and sometimes the fact that he's gone, and the horrible circumstances in which he went, really hit me even now and I have a little cry or a little walk by myself. My 2 year old really reminds me of him too, which is both wonderful and sad.

However although I'm not exactly over it, it is easier to live with. I'm more used to him not being here and I have more context for it, as more time has passed and more things have happened since he went. I have kind of grown around him not being here.

sorry for your loss OP.

My mum died 25 years ago, I still get teary at certain times of the year. She would have been 75 today had she lived.

@Newuser82

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

I eventually genuinely got over my sibling's traumatic death (suicide) although I was devastated for years. Now his memory is a part of me, but doesn't make me cry unless I listen to certain songs.

Also I have rationalised why he wanted to go, and understand why he did it. I will sit and cry now for a few minutes. But I have got over it, although I'm sure it shaped my adult life.

You never get over it, you just get used to them not being there.
I lost my Dad 20 years ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like forever. I think about him every single day, and I miss him. I get sad about the things he's missed- my son was 2 when my Dad died and he never met my daughter-I wonder what he would have thought of them, how he would have been with them as they grew up...He was a kind, gentle man. But I'm glad I had him for the time that I did. He helped to shape me.

I haven't lost either parent but DH has sadly lost both

Mum lost 20 years ago to cancer when DH was mid twenties. He said he took a long time to get over it, felt very angry that she'd been taken before any grandchildren had arrived or before we'd met.

Lost his Dad earlier this year in his 80's. The days leading up to his death were very sad (no one with him - Covid ) but DH felt a feeling of peace for his Dad once he had gone - he was in very poor health and had lived a long and wonderful life. We still talk about him daily (I had a real soft spot for him) but DH feels he's coped better this time.

Some great posts above, and it just shows the variety of experience. I was close to my mum, she was wonderful, and we knew she was dying. I still miss her terribly, but it has changed over time. The first five years, I’d often cry. It took me that long to realise I won’t see her again. I think of her every day in some way, but it’s all the positive memories now. I know things don’t last forever.

It’s easier as time goes on. I’ve had other traumatic events in my life, time does help.

I’m 4 months in, some days are ok and some it hits like a brick wall, thick suffocating grief.

I read something once that said something along the lines of ‘you don’t just lose someone once, you lose them everyday… because there are moments that you forget that they’re gone and then you remember and you have to lose them all over again’. I’ve definitely not quoted that eloquently but it sums up how I feel.

I’m sorry for you loss OP, hugs

Is it also different if they're younger? My parents are both over 75. I'm in my 40a. It's not exactly going to be a big shock when they die. Blueberry
However, I completely empathise with friends whose parents died too young , and when we were younger. I've been very lucky, but realistically, I'm a middle aged woman, who's doing pretty well to have both parents alive and a decent complement of aunties and uncles.

I was in my forties when my parents died. The first couple of years were especially painful as the loss felt so great but after that my focus shifted and I was able to be glad I had them and focus on good memories. Now I smile when I think of them. I loved them very much and I feel they are always with me. This is not a religious thing, just a sense that they are still part of my life. I probably think of them most days.

My mum died of illness last month, she was only in her 50s. I don't allow myself to think about her too much because it is still so painful.

@Newuser82

My dad died a few months ago and so I was interested to read this thread. For everyone saying you don’t get over it does that mean I’m going to sad for the rest of my life as that just seems awful!

One thing that helped me is that from time to time I update my parents with what's going on in my life - fill them in on their grandchildren, my siblings etc. I also talk about them often. I think all this helps me to feel they are still a part of my life. Once the raw grief subsides things really will be easier. For me that took a couple of years. I don't think you'll be sad forever - one day you'll be able to remember your dad and smile and then, as you clearly love him, you'll be grateful you had him.