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I slept with someone else
176

Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 15:30

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

OP's posts:
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Peach01 · 26/11/2021 23:53

I've no idea why you would entertain him.

Lets see this for what it is.
When you were together he cheated on you multiple times with sex workers. He got robbed by a sex worker and let you replace the stolen item under the pretence it was lost. He lied, deceived you and put your health at risk. As part of his defence he's been on drink and drugs these 8/9 times he's admitted to.

Seriously, f**king up that many times can only be blamed on morals. Not drink and drugs.

A year has past, he's kept you dangling as to not lead you on. You've been waiting around in some sort of limbo to see if he decides he wants you. Now, you've slept with someone (god forbid you weren't on drink and drugs) and he's taking the moral high ground?

He's unbelievable. This is not how you deserve to be treated. You've nothing to feel guilty about. He's treated you appallingly. When he had you, look what he done. Please don't allow it.

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ChargingBuck · 26/11/2021 23:57

If I called him up and needed him at a drop of a hat and he could help I know he would stop whatever and come straight away

Would he indeed?
Even if you called him up while he was snorting coke off a sex worker's tits?
He wouldn't even pick up your call love.

You are not a priority for this man.
He just enjoys toying with you, & keeping you dancing to his tune.
He is relishing your current (totally unnecessary) self-mortification. It makes him feel powerful.
It won't make him commit to you.
If he wanted to commit to you, he wouldn't have cheated on you, & would be in a relationship with you.

He is actively encouraging you to think that YOU having sex as a single woman is somehow wrong & you 'owe' him some kind of twisted fidelity, despite how he treated & still treats you, & despite you being single.
This, from the man who shagged around on you, paid (possibly trafficked) women for sex, won't commit to you but acts like he owns your body.

Do you think he hasn't been bed-hopping, drinking & drugging during your year of "friendship"? Would you have the temerity to call him out on it? Why do you accept this double standard?

Why do you even want to be friends with such a raging hypocrite & arch manipulator?

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 00:08

Do you text or call all your mates to apologise if you got laid?

Exactly this, from @Seren85.
This man has you in some twisted mindfuck where you feel obliged to report to him. Please stop, & please arrange some counselling for your self-esteem & non-existent boundaries.

If you put half the energy & headspace into working on yourself as you do obsessing about this fucking waster, you could come out of therapy in a few months, look back & wonder WTF you were doing debasing yourself with a man who treats women like scum.

You deserve a good life, & the best way to achieve that is to fill it with good people.

Also, please read & re-read @RickJames posts.
It's time to put yourself front & centre in your own life, & stop being dragged into the mire of this man's influence. Even on the periphery, as a "friend".

I'm sorry OP, all this must be a lot to take in, but you need to listen to all the wise old PP who have your best interests at heart, & go NC with this man pronto.
Flowers

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 02:25

@Crochetandcoffeebreaks

“He absolutely played the emotional abuse and gaslighting”

Except he didnt, he literally told OP she had nothing to be sorry for. I don’t approve of his past behaviour but jumping everything to gaslighting and a notional abuse is so over the top.

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 03:11

@MarshmallowSwede

Most aren’t trafficked. In fact they probably have a lot in common with this guy who uses them lifestyle wise.

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FolkyFoxFace · 27/11/2021 03:26

He sounds like a manipulative prick. Can I ask how old you all are?

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StarlightLady · 27/11/2021 07:56

OP, you have been badly let down and deeply hurt by an ex. There have been a stream of things, not just a one off so it’s a case of moving on.

So he feels that you have let him down after all this. It’s so manipulative.

There is nothing wrong with having sex with a single friend. Remember you are single too. Types of friendships evolve. Good friends don’t let you down and treat you with care and understanding.

Take care OP, be strong and assertive, the next stage of your life can be good, but not with someone who has hurt you so.

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NdujaWannaDance · 27/11/2021 08:22

He had always said since he ended things it would be better if he got out of my life and walked away from all of us

So you have children?

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc

This makes more sense now. It sounds like he cocklodged with you and your kids when it suited him but he wouldn't commit to you because he's younger and he's holding out for a girl who isn't saddled with children that he doesn't want to take any responsibility for. And why should he?

He's looking for the perfect girl with no baggage but in the meantime he's happy to keep you on, because you have your own place (I'll bet he doesn't) and heI'll bet he gets food and sex on tap when he wants it, with none of the commitment because you are 'just close friends' and because you are the sort of utter schmuck you is conned into buying him a new phone when his old one gets nicked by the prostitute he's using.

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toastfiend · 27/11/2021 08:28

He's not your friend, he's a twat.

He's a serial cheat and he has the audacity to reprimand you for sleeping with someone else when you two aren't even together? Nope. I wouldn't be having that. He seems extremely controlling.

Personally, I think it was a mistake to give him the time of day after he treated you with so little respect when you were together, but that's done now. Do yourself the biggest favour you can, OP, and cut all contact with this dick. This situation is never going to end in a happily ever after.

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toastfiend · 27/11/2021 08:32

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Crochetandcoffeebreaks

“He absolutely played the emotional abuse and gaslighting”

Except he didnt, he literally told OP she had nothing to be sorry for. I don’t approve of his past behaviour but jumping everything to gaslighting and a notional abuse is so over the top.[/quote]
He apologised just enough to retain his position as the wronged parry and to make the OP feel even more guilty than she already did. She said herself that she's now grovelling to him. He knows exactly what he's doing.

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toastfiend · 27/11/2021 08:32

*party

Where's the edit button when you need it?!

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NdujaWannaDance · 27/11/2021 08:43

he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now.

He's giving you an out. This is him sending you a bit flashing neon sign saying 'I will never commit to you and if you've got any sense you'll accept my suggestion and we'll stop this 'friendship' because we both know it involves you waiting for me to realise I love you and that ain't happening, ever. You are wasting your time and I'm only here because I don't have anywhere better to be right now. Get some dignity and stop letting me do this to you.'

But instead of just saying this and putting you out of your misery, he's testing you. He knows he's being a shit and he's almost willing the scales to fall from your eyes and to see this for what it is.

The fact that you've slept with someone else shows that you understand that what you have with him in not worth being faithful for. And yet you are acting like someone who needs his forgiveness anyway. He's probably as bewildered by that as we are.

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 08:53

@toastfiend

That’s a pretty big assumption based on nothing but you being able to read his mind (which you can’t).
Sure he’s a dick but you have no idea how manipulative or not he is. He may just be an irresponsible dickhead with no self control.

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notanothertakeaway · 27/11/2021 09:08

Please work on your self esteem and see that you deserve better than this

Move on and block him

Better single than hanging around with him

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Chickychoccyegg · 27/11/2021 09:44

What the hell am I reading op? Stop grovelling and begging to this abusive arse hole, block him, he's not your friend, he's a fucking awful person.
You need to do some serious work on your self esteem, councilling could really help you, as your way of thinking about him is not as it should be.
Good luck op, sounds like you'll need it.

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 10:03

"Notional" abuse, @TarasCrazyTiara?

He has been playing OP like a fish.
He has had her convinced she needed to stay 'chaste' for a year while he pretends to consider whether to get back with her, but cannot possibly now allow her to accompany him to family events in case people think they are "together". Like the words "yeah, we split, & we're still friends" couldn't possibly be a Thing.
He has her excusing his previous behaviour with sex workers by chalking it up to "but, but ...only when he was pissed & snorting coke".
He has her reporting her sex life (& presumably her previous abstinence) - for him - as if he has ownership of her body & her choices.
He is now playing a mindgame so toxic that she feels guilty for having sex with her other friend, & believe that this is what has "ruined everything" - rather than the man's own poisonous behaviour toward her.

If you don't consider that abuse, you don't understand processes of coercive control, & I suggest you do The Freedom Programme to keep yourself safe.

OP - I kindly suggest that you do too - you are in serious need of a fresh perspective.
Here is the link, you can even do the programme online now - <a class="break-all" href="https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.phpwww.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.phpwww.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 10:06

@ChargingBuck

He is literally telling her they should break up and she has nothing to be sorry for lol. It’s the complete opposite of coercive control.
Some mumsnetters see abuse and control everywhere to the point it seems like parody.

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SarahBellam · 27/11/2021 10:09

OP, this is an awful, awful, man who has zero respect for you - he cheated on you constantly throughout your relationship. You owe him nothing, literally nothing. You’re a free woman and you have done nothing wrong. How dare he try to make you feel bad. Cut him loose. He is not good for you and he is not acting in your best interests.

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AdamRyan · 27/11/2021 10:15

He is literally telling her they should break up and she has nothing to be sorry for lol. It’s the complete opposite of coercive control

What OP actually said:
Hes said I have done nothing wrong he has no right to be angry and don't worry about it. But also that his heads all over the place he needs time to think and he's tried hard to change and what's the point.

Which is clearly emotional blackmail and guilt tripping for her, when he's been stringing her along for ages.

She is single and slept with someone also single. He had no right whatsoever to be guilt tripping her.

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 10:15

Most aren’t trafficked.

Is that a fact, @TarasCrazyTiara?

Looking forward to seeing your citations for that, as you 'obviously' have access to the peer-reviewed & Journalled studies confirming it, so this couldn't possibly be a lazy, victim-blaming assumption on your part could it?

Are you privy to where he accessed these prostitutes, which country they were in, what their personal circumstances were, & whether they were (sick-making trope alert) "happy hookers"?

Are you even aware how many trafficked or pimped women were clean before becoming sex workers, but deliberately turned into addicts by the men profiting from them, to ensure they are under control?

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LucentBlade · 27/11/2021 10:22

The man is scum.

You are a very fragile and confused woman who has the lowest self esteem of any poster I have ever read about on here. I would hazard a guess you were abused as a child.

Break all ties, stop doing drugs, have therapy and do not have a relationship with anyone for a long time.

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Cheerbear24 · 27/11/2021 10:30

Your life is sailing on by whilst you wait, for years, on the man (who cheated on you 8 or 9 times!!!!!) to decide if he wants a relationship or not with you?!! Honestly walk away yourself now! Your wasting your life on him, he treated you like crap. You have nothing to apologise for so stop. He’s stringing you along and your stroking his ego!

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 10:33

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@ChargingBuck

He is literally telling her they should break up and she has nothing to be sorry for lol. It’s the complete opposite of coercive control.
Some mumsnetters see abuse and control everywhere to the point it seems like parody.[/quote]
He literally followed the textbook "Mr Sensitive" script c/o Lundy Bancroft, just like the alcoholic who, confronted with the bottles he has lied to his wife about & spent the kids' shoe money on, melodramatically detracts from his behaviour by DARVO'ing his wife into believing his is the poor little victim who she needs to stay loyal to in his time of trouble:
"I'm such a shit & a bad father, the kids are better off without me, I'm going to sleep under a bridge tonight & probably throw myself off it in the morning" ...
To which the confident manipulator's by now well-trained wife will respond with offering comfort, & believing He Is Remorseful So He Will Change etc.

Some mumsnetters are so unwilling or unable to read between the lines & spot the pattern. I wonder why they bother showing up on threads like these - it seems like parody & I can't imagine what their motivation is.

OP - I recommend you buy yourself a present, & use it to educate yourself about the various subtle & overt ways in which abuse presents itself. You will recognise many behaviours when you read this accessible, informative & compassionate book, & it will help you to spot abusers from 100 yards in future, & resist their manipulations - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 10:56

@AdamRyan

It’s not clearly emotional black mail at all. I’m not defending this mans previous actions and my advice to OP is she would be better off without him in her life, however there’s every chance he’s just a completely irresponsible dickhead who is literally telling the truth that she’s be better without him and does really think he’s a fuck up no hoper. Many men like that exist.

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toastfiend · 27/11/2021 11:02

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@toastfiend

That’s a pretty big assumption based on nothing but you being able to read his mind (which you can’t).
Sure he’s a dick but you have no idea how manipulative or not he is. He may just be an irresponsible dickhead with no self control.[/quote]
No, I've just been in an abusive, controlling relationship and I know how these scenarios tend to play out because men like this are actually pretty textbook once you learn to recognise them.

You seem to be bringing your own agenda to this thread judging by your other replies, though.

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