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I slept with someone else
176

Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 15:30

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

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tootootaataa · 26/11/2021 18:48

@ChargingBuck

The sex workers he just said meant nothing

THIS is the only true thing he has said to you through this sorry debacle OP.

Those sex workers indeed meant nothing to him. They were just bodies, that he hired, They weren't human beings to him, with lives & meaning in their own right.

He is disgusting.

Now I am grovelling , apologising and trying to pick him up and cheer him up as a result of my actions.
You are in a coercively controlling relationship, without even being this geezer's g/f any more.
You are grovelling & apologising because of HIS actions, not your own.
he has trained you so well that you are unable to consider your own life through any lens other than the one he imposes on you.

I hope you can see this one day, & realise that you are accidently entangled with an abusive piece of shit who needs wiping off your shoe.

This. Please recognize your self worth
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Dragongirl10 · 26/11/2021 18:48

Op why on earth you would want to be with such a sleazy guy confounds me....
A serial cheater with prostitutes and a liar to boot, what a revolting specimen of a man.
Please set the bar a lot higher.

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Paradisebeach · 26/11/2021 18:48

This guy pays to rape women.

That’s what the definition of ‘having sex with a sex worker’ is - but I don’t legitimise the act by calling it sex work. Prostitutes who are to poor or abused to have a nice real job.

It’s horrendous. Get some therapy and some more self respect.

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Suzi888 · 26/11/2021 18:52

You are worth so much more! Honestly I know it may not feel like it now and it hurts, but you will move on.
This man sounds pretty grim, doesn’t he?

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ThePlumVan · 26/11/2021 18:53

I haven’t read full thread so forgive me, but why would you stay friends with someone who cheated on you ? Everyone knows you deserve better.

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Fluffycloudland77 · 26/11/2021 19:00

He’s a mind fuck isn’t he? He had no right to ask you those questions and you had every right to sleep with a single person when your single.

That’s how it’s supposed to work. Single + single = ok. Not single + sex worker = bad.

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ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/11/2021 19:10

For God's sake, grown a spine. There is no such thing as someone "else" if this waste of space won't commit to you in the first place.

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BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 26/11/2021 19:30

@QuinceTamarillo

This has nothing to do with your ex. He was a crappy friend making this all about him when he could see that you were upset. On the other hand, as he is an ex and you know he has unresolved feelings for you, he probably wasn't the best person to confide in about your sexual encounter/relationship with someone else. However, he could have simply said "I can't talk about this with you".

I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single... Is this in dispute? I don't see anything in your post that suggests that the sex with the second friend was NOT consensusal (e.g., rape/sexual assault).

There's nothing objectively wrong with two single friends having sex purely for the sake of sex ... but it may not be for you in general (and there also can be factors in the specific relationship that make it complicated). Some people are absolutely fine with casual/recreational/one-time sex, and others really aren't. If it's not for you, learn from the experience and perhaps avoid similar situations in the future, but don't beat yourself up. You have to figure out what YOU want and feel, not either of your friends. From your post, there's no reason to feel guilty and if you feel "dirty", you may have some unresolved issues about sex in general.

At worst, you made a mistake/bad decision, but life goes on. Talk to the second friend if you think the sexual involvement will negatively impact your friendship - it might, or it might not be a big deal to him at all. Either way, open and honest communication is the best way to get through and past the awkwardness.

Excellent post
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cansu · 26/11/2021 19:32

You are not with him. You split up after he had been fucking around. You don't owe him any explanations. Stand up for yourself. Hanging around apologizing is giving him the impression that he can manipulate you.

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RobertaFirmino · 26/11/2021 19:43

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc

This reads as though you were desperate for marriage and children whilst he did not want these things.

He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future

And you believe this? Look, he does not want to get married and have children. Not with you and probably not with anyone. He is stringing you along for sex. He knows exactly what he wants and that is to sow his wild oats.

Take off your baby blinkers. Done that? Good. The next thing you need to do is keep still. Stop doing the 'pick meeee' dance. Now reach down to the floor. Look closely and you might find your self esteem down there. Try your hardest to pick it up. Give it a stretch, see if you can make it a little bigger and it'll need a good dusting off too.

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Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 20:40

He had always said since he ended things it would be better if he got out of my life and walked away from all of us . In his defence it was me who was very upset on lots of occasions and asked him not to just dissappear as I value the friendship. He has alot of good qualities. Very family orientated , kind , helpful, funny. Always makes time for us . If I called him up and needed him at a drop of a hat and he could help I know he would stop whatever and come straight away .

I have in the last couple of months after he didn't take me to a significant family event (he didn't organise it and didn't want to give people the impression we are together if he's not made his mind up yet which is fair enough ) scaled back how much I see him. I don't suggest meeting up anymore. If I have seen him to catch up over lunch or a drink there's mutual friends there never just us two anymore. It's made me very sad but deep down I have accepted I am not what he wants, we won't be together and I am holding him back from meeting someone he can have a future qnd his own family with by being around ALL the time. We have mutual friends and stuff like that so don't want to cut everyone off and it be unhappy or awkward.

I do sometimes do coke myself but can hand on heart say it doesn't change how I behave , I have never put myself in danger doing it and never cheated whilst on it . Never cheated on any partner now or in the past

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Deela14 · 26/11/2021 20:45

If a friendship is a true friendship and nothing more.

Your sexual relations should not affect it.


This is an utter mess op you need to dettach yourself from his its so unhealthy for both of you. If you arent going to be together stop living in this limbo state and find someone that you can be with.

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Lovemusic33 · 26/11/2021 20:49

I feel sorry for you, you seem to be totally brain washed by this man. You say “walked away from us”? Please say that by ‘us’ you don’t have dc? I would t want a man like this around my kids and wouldn’t want the drama around my family.

Your wasting precious time waiting for something that will never happen, people like him do not change, people that cheat and sleep with sex workers. Why would you want to be with someone that pays someone for sex? That uses women in that way?

I really hope you see sense but it’s sounding like you won’t despite what everyone’s telling you. Your likely to waste half your life on this loser.

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Italiangreyhound · 26/11/2021 21:09

Agree with Cas

"He doesn't want to be with you and has been stringing you along, you have given him the perfect opportunity to cut you off.

OP you are worth more than this, you will find someone you deserve in time but please don't waste any more time on this disrespectful boy"

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VestaTilley · 26/11/2021 21:28

Do not get back with the first guy - ever!

Are you out of your mind? He’s a coke head, exploits women through prostitution, lies to you, let’s you pay to replace stuff stolen by a prostitute - why are you even still friends with this man?!

Do not be friends with him. Do not ever go out with him or sleep with him again. He’s using you.

You can sleep with whoever else you like, because you’re single.

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Jibberjabberhutt · 26/11/2021 21:41

He’s a cunt. He’s the cunt that has behaved not only appallingly, but disgustingly. He’s put your health at risk, allowed you to spend money on him replacing goods stolen from him while he was exploiting a sex worker, and has somehow got you grovelling to him?!?!

No. Just. No. In fact, fuck, no.

You have got to find some self-respect, tell him to go fuck himself and walk away. Quickly.

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RickJames · 26/11/2021 21:52

Lol, "coke doesn't change how you behave". Please contact the Guinness Book of Records or the WHO because you are literally the only person in the world those behaviour is unaffected by a powerful class A drug that is taken by people, purely to affect their behaviour Grin

Anyway, this chap sounds at best an arsehole -at worst an abuser. Knock off the casual drug use, you'll probably find you have a greater sense of clarity and realise it for yourself.

No shame - I'm sure a goodly percent of MNers have dabbled but you really need to have your head screwed on right now. Don't be having the big, emotional, druggy shagging or talking sessions with this twisted man. Its nonsense and you can do so much better.

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RickJames · 26/11/2021 22:03

Seriously, if coke didn't change how you behave why the hell would you pay 60 quid or whatever for a little wrap of a powder that burns your nose and makes you feel funny the next day? You may as well just go in the pantry and snort a line of self-raising flour for free!

This is classic denial and so im not surprised this idiot has got his claws in you. Im not blaming you. Im just saying - start being a bit stoic and realistic. It will serve you well.

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Allsortsofroses · 26/11/2021 22:28

kind ..

He's cheated on you with prostitutes and non prostitutes (at least one).

Didn't you see something between him and his friends laughing about it/being derogatory to you too.

How is that kind?

Between him and the circumstances of the second "friend" from your other thread, the only two things I xan suggest are;

A. Get some female friends, and stop trying to be friends with men. Its not working and theyre not true friends

B. Stop using coke. It could be affecting your moods; no wonder you're down etc.

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Allsortsofroses · 26/11/2021 22:31

He may sometimes be kind or helpful but given the rest of hos absolutely crazy and disrespectful behaviour; it diesbt matter.

You could meet a guy who's kind and helpful without the rest of the mad shit.

In saying that, you Need to stay single and get some counselling.

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Allsortsofroses · 26/11/2021 22:33

Oh and whatever the circumstances of your having sex with bloke no 2 it's absolutely none of bloke 2s business, you're not together, I bet hes not celibate , it has fk all.to do with him.
He's stringing you along.

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Allsortsofroses · 26/11/2021 22:34

Sorry, bloke 1's business.

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ThePlumVan · 26/11/2021 22:45

If you take nothing else from this thread, stop telling yourself he’s kind, because he’s far from it.
I think you’re deluded, maybe it’s the coke.

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Seren85 · 26/11/2021 23:19

He is NOT your friend. He's your ex who you allowing to treat you like shit. You're just gonna be celibate and wait around in case he picks you? Fuck that. You did nothing wrong, other than tell him. Do you text or call all your mates to apologise if you got laid? As for your own coke use, cmon now.

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KUdos6 · 26/11/2021 23:22

Why the hell would you want to get back with someone like that?

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