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I slept with someone else
176

Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 15:30

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

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Teachocsbook · 30/11/2021 19:02

Now needing an outlet to focus on. I am just tired and drained by it all . I want peace

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TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 13:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He cheated and lied about it. If you feel the need to describe it with a buzzword like gaslighting as though that makes any difference be my guest.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/11/2021 13:00

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@youvegottenminuteslynn

So it’s “gaslighting”. He certainly wouldn’t be the first or last to deny cheating only to come clean later.[/quote]
No need for the quotation marks, glad you can see that it is gaslighting after all.

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TarasCrazyTiara · 30/11/2021 04:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So it’s “gaslighting”. He certainly wouldn’t be the first or last to deny cheating only to come clean later.

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Teachocsbook · 29/11/2021 18:52

I don't think he has much respect for himself or likes himself all that much either.

I was reading another thread on here. One suggestion was to lessen the contact a bit more every single day. I am not strong enough to do a complete cold turkey but a fade out I think I can do

Need to think of ways I can distract myself now and fill my life with other things. That's what I am struggling with

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Nowomenaroundeh · 29/11/2021 13:52

Oh my goodness OP, this is a mess. Honestly, you need to cut contact with this loser and organise counselling for yourself.

Why on earth did you want him to stay in your life? Why is he making up his mind about what he wants?

He was an appalling boyfriend. He has no respect for you which is probably why you're drawn to him as you seem to have none for yourself.

You weren't friends as you were hanging around waiting for him to give you another chance (ironically given it was him who behaved disgracefully) so why did you pretend to yourself that you were friends? And if you were friends why on earth were you telling him details of sex with another man.

This man is playing you for an absolute fool. Have nothing more to do with him or any man until you have done serious work on recognising your own self worth.

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MumW · 29/11/2021 13:41

Set you bar much, much higher. Your cheating shows that your relationship is broken and the fact he tried to rationalise his cheating as acceptable and yours not is massive red flag. There a so many red flags here. It was LTB the minute you said drunken cheating and then you added cocaine into the mix so LTB and run for the hills.

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ChargingBuck · 29/11/2021 13:28

@Teachocsbook

I feel lonely.and suffer alot of anxiety and depression so it's being brave enough to let go altogether

Tea, anxiety & depression is harder to manage when toxic people are present in our lives.

Going NC - or even very LC - with this horrible man (I know - you think you love him, but assess him by his behaviours, not your feelings!) will help you decrease your symptoms.

Imagine the freedom from the anxiety of hankering after him;
Imagine the freedom from the depressing thoughts that YOU are somehow not enough for HIM.

The louse! - how DARE he conspire in making you feel these things? A DECENT man would have disengaged properly & kindly from you if he didn't want to date you. This one has you dangling on a string, for his own selfish reasons.

For your own mental health & peace of mind, you would do very well to participate in one of these courses - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
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youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2021 13:08

@TarasCrazyTiara

I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated.

This is gaslighting... making OP question her reality by lying to her face multiple times before finally admitting to cheating repeatedly.

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NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 12:58

In the nicest possible way, you need some real life help.

You're begging.apologising & grovelling for this utter waste of space to forgive you & take you back. You feel dirty? You had sex, once, with a 'friend' who was being nice to you (a mistake in itself) that in NO WAY compares to him shagging around & fucking anything in a skirt & paying sex workers. It just doesn't.

Yes, you were sober, you had sex with someone who made you feel good & wanted. It was a mistake for your self worth, but doesn't compare to him drunk/drugged fucking anyone that stood still long enough.

You weren't in a relationship with him, you didn't cheat, he's just stringing you along to pull your strings for his ego, he'll be off when he meets someone he actually cares about (dorry if it hurts to hear that, but it's true)

YOU deserve much more than this wanker. I'm sad you don't seem to think so & sad at what's happened in your life that's led you to believe this wanker is all you deserve. He's not!

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Lovemusic33 · 29/11/2021 12:56

@Teachocsbook

I feel lonely.and suffer alot of anxiety and depression so it's being brave enough to let go altogether

Your anxiety will be so much better whine you cut ties with this loser believe me (been there), your worth so much more. You will look back in a year time and wonder what the f#ck you were thinking having anything to do with this loser. You don’t need him in your life.
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NdujaWannaDance · 29/11/2021 12:41

Did he introduce you to his family and take you along to family events in the months you were supposed to be a couple, or this a new thing since he's been 'thinking about how he feels'?

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Teachocsbook · 29/11/2021 10:43

I feel lonely.and suffer alot of anxiety and depression so it's being brave enough to let go altogether

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Chimley · 28/11/2021 20:43

He is neither relationship nor friendship material I'm afraid. Take a look around at your positive friendships. What they give you. How they make you feel. This man is not good for your wellbeing as a friend (blurring boundaries) or as a partner (cheating). I would put this friendship away and not open that box again.

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Dashel · 28/11/2021 20:39

@Teachocsbook

Yeah. He signed up to POF last Thursday and on Friday he made arrangements by text to have an escort see him tomorrow . Sick

Why do you know so much about his sex life??

He is playing mind games with you as surely most friends don’t know that level of detail about their friends sex lives and I can’t believe he would announce on a group chat that he has been texting a sex worker and has a session booked!

Block him and move on. Normal, nice, family oriented guys do not book prostitution sessions and announce it.
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ChargingBuck · 28/11/2021 20:15

@Teachocsbook - I'd lay substantial money that he was signing up to dating sites & booking escorts throughout this year - he's just chosen to tell you about it now.

The actions of a game-playing twat.

Take time for yourself, & allow yourself to feel sad about the man you might have hoped he would become. But please realise - he won't do it "for you" because he doesn't want to do it for himself. He likes being a sleazebag.

That fastest way you'll get over him is by getting rid of him.
He is NOT your friend.
Friends don't give bullshit reasons for hiding you from their family & other friends. You can't seriously believe that the other adults he associates with are somehow so feeble-minded & lacking in common sense that they might get 'confused' about whether you & Mr Twat were an item again? Think about it - it's ludicrous!

He just likes keeping you separate, on tenterhooks, diminished, undervalued, & on tap for resumption of sex provision if he chooses to snap his fingers at you.

Please don't let him Flowers

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ChargingBuck · 28/11/2021 20:06

The OP didn’t give any stance on pro vs anti prostitution, she wasn’t looking for advice on it.

She also didn't ask for advice about how to cut contact with the loser @TarasCrazyTiara, & was more upset about her belief that SHE is the one to have "ruined" the chance of getting back together with him.

That's not going to stop PP from advising her for her own good, whether she initially sought specifics or not. Part of that advice is that a man who cheats on you with sex workers is NOT a man to keep hankering after, so it's totally relevant to OP's situation.

If you have a problem with PP's 'agenda' to denounce the abuse of sex workers & the the appalling practices that complicity in buying people's bodies engenders, I suggest you @ somebody else about it, because I'm not interested in giving you any further attention for your persistent dismissal of legitimate concerns.

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Teachocsbook · 28/11/2021 19:20

Yeah. He signed up to POF last Thursday and on Friday he made arrangements by text to have an escort see him tomorrow . Sick

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 14:52

*plenary of people expressed

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TarasCrazyTiara · 27/11/2021 14:51

@ChargingBuck

I’m literally telling her to stop seeing him for her own good. I have no agenda. The OP didn’t give any stance on pro vs anti prostitution, she wasn’t looking for advice on it. Plenty of people who cypresses their anti sex work opinion without ever being asked and in a way that was totally irrelevant to OPs post. That is an agenda (but because it coincides with yours you don’t care).

I don’t know if he’s abusive I said I had no reason to think he was based of the posts, I think he’s probably just a useless cheat and a dickhead and not relationship material, but I don’t know for sure. That is my opinion, why the hell does that trouble you so much?

But I guess snooping is the sincerity form of flattery so thank you for your interest in me. Wish I cared enough to return it.

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 14:17

I've no idea why someone would pop up on a support thread to argue he's not abusive and using prostitutes is OK

I've been posting & lurking prolifically this week as am between contracts, so have spotted a pattern with some PP's @AdamRyan. The agenda is clear as just-polished glass, if' you've seen it advanced by Usual Suspects on multiple threads ...

Anyhoo, no names, no packdrill, as I can't be arsed to poke the bear now the sun is shining & the hills are beckoning.

Hope OP & all reasonable PP have a great afternoon, & OP is busy living her life without reference to Mr Twat :)

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AdamRyan · 27/11/2021 13:50

This is one of the most clear cut examples of emotional blackmail I've read on here. So in mu opinion anyone trying to explain his behaviour as anything other than emotional abuse has an agenda. I've no idea why someone would pop up on a support thread to argue he's not abusive and using prostitutes is OK Confused

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Willyoujustbequiet · 27/11/2021 12:48

He's an abuser. Run.

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ChargingBuck · 27/11/2021 12:35

I have no agenda Hmm

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FreedomFaith · 27/11/2021 11:25

Oh no, what a shame, you can't have a guy who cheats on you, doesn't give a shit about you, strings you along, probably been having sex with other women while you're separated, and is now making you feel guilty and worthless for having sex with one guy while you are single. Hmm

I'd tell him that the other guy was bigger, better, lasted longer and then tell him to fuck off out of your life for good and never come near you again.

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