I slept with someone else

[Teachocsbook]

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

So he cheats, lies and puts your sexual health at risk but your still mates and your open to giving things another try one day.

As you're single you had sex with a man.

Now suddenly he can't possibly have you on his life??

Lucky escape. And if the guy you slept with is a decent guy, you don't have to lose hi ma's a friend.

He's absolutely played the emotional abuse and gaslighting to the max with you! You should not be apologising or grovelling for what you did - it felt right at the time and both of you (I assume) were single. You aren't in a relationship with him so it's really not any of his business. Tell him the sex with tbr other friend was better than he could ever dream of and block him.

Also I don't see any mention of him grovelling when he was caught in his sex workers shenanigans?

Good relationships really aren’t that complicated. Put him in the bin and move on.

He's done such a number on you hasn't he.

Stop apologising! You've done NOTHING wrong.

Block him and move on

You should get celebrating your finally free of him.
You've done nothing wrong here at all.
Wave him bye, he's finally out of your life

Op, I would get some therapy for your low self esteem. There is no one with a healthy respect for themselves that would touch that vile excuse for a human with a bargepole. Let alone feel guilty.

Is this a genuine feeling of lack of worth or does the drama keep you going? As your mindset is baffling.

OP I don't even need to read any of the other responses to know I will agree.with every one of them. You are worth so much more,.use this as the opportunity to make the most of your life and learn to love yourself. You're worth so much more.

You haven’t cheated as you don’t have an exclusive relationship with this awful excuse for a man.

You talk about him paying for prostitutes and cocaine as if it’s a perfectly normal everyday occurrence?

If this is a genuine post, please block contact with him and get some counselling to work on your self esteem. You need to set your bar an awful lot higher than this pathetic loser.

You are not in a relationship with this man
He put you at risk of diseases by cheating
He cheated in a way that in my opinion violated a woman’s ability to fully consent.
He is a drug addict.

That you would even consider a future with this man should have you really worrying about yourself. You need to do some serious introspection. We all have our own baggage that causes us to make poor choices. You need to figure out yours before dating again.

You are an adult and had sex with someone. You're not in a relationship, so did not do anything wrong.

You have nothing to be grovelling and apologising for. You weren't the one who cheated (repeatedly) and caused the relationship to end.

You need to cut the loser out of your life, work on your self-esteem and realise that you deserve much better.

Why on earth would you want to get back with this guy. He's an utter hypocrite to boot. You have nothing to feel guilty or 'dirty' about.

First thing focus on you! I'd definatly give guy number two a try if thats what you want and forget all about guy number one.. He cheated on you numerous times and I'm sure you didn't deserve that disrespect. That trust has been broken too many times. Also its been a year and he hasn't shown no commitments and doesn't want to give you mixed signals so my guesses are he's happy not being in a relation ship with you. Also cocaine is a horrible drug, it changes people.. this might be why he thinks he can control you! (speaking from experience with an ex) If you aren't in a relationship with him why should you feel dirty about being with someone else? It sounds like he has a lot of issues his self and is keeping you dragged down with him! Do you and do whatever makes you feel happy again. If it felt right being around the other friend then why not see where that goes?If you don't make a change you will never be happy! Really hope you do what's best for you, hel soon be running back to you once he realises what he's actually lost for good, but youl be happy and hopefully have moved on by that time ! Stay positive Xx

Also cocaine is a horrible drug, it changes people..

Absolutely, it seems to turn people into the worst type of A-hole ime.

I'm hesitant to ask this OP, as seriously don't want to come over as dismissive or goady if you are for real - but ... ARE you for real?

Some ex b/f with substance abuse issues cheated on you multiple times, & you eventually split.
For whatever reasons, (I trust PP will get into these downthread) you elected to stay friends with him.
Last month, you enjoyed a shag with someone.

How is your sex life ANY business of his? He's just a friend. He's not your b/f. You have NOT slept with someone else - you have simply slept with someone. As you are at perfect liberty to do.

You are also at perfect liberty to not discuss your sex life with anyone at all, other than the person in your bed. You should CERTAINLY not have needed to tell your ex about it. It's none of his business!
Also ... "A gentlewoman never tells". I am actually a bit about you disclosing this on behalf of your shagee ... you have no right to tell anyone else about his sex life!

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Why did you have to be "feeling low" to allow yourself to shag your friend? Do you feel you needed to justify your decision to have sex? Why?

Are you playing into some kind of subconscious internalised Madonna/Whore Complex, whereby if you decline sex & stay 'chaste', that this will somehow earn you some brownie points & fate will 'reward' you by awarding you a renewed relationship with your Ex?

Can you not see how self-limiting & toxic that is?

Rightho. I know I'm peppering you with Q's here, & apologise if that feels intrusive to you - you have NO need to respond to me if you do not wish to.

But here's a final one:
Why, in the name of merry fuck, are you holding out for a boozy junkie who is a committed serial cheat?

Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week
NEWSFLASH
Your Ex is NOT your friend. I am sure PP have already expounded on this. Believe them.

The friend you slept with? - I'm sure he's still your friend. Whether you decide to shag each other again, or not. There's simply no reason for him not to be ... other than you getting all weird over your Ex, who has not rights over your sex life & who - I cannot stress this enough OP - IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ANYWAY.

There you go! You're one nice shag up, & have not lost 2 friends.
You've simply found out that 1 of them never was, & 1 of them still is, plus possible ... benefits

Stop grovelling and apologising.
Show yourself more respect than he shows you.

Not 'in his right mind' when cheated...what a load of bull! He knew exactly what he was doing.

Its not one rule for him and another for you!

Oh, and you didn't "sleep with someone else", you slept well someone fullstop.

You slept with someone and your waste of space ex and friend is sulking because he liked feeling as though he was the only one to have a claim to you.

He doesn't.

Move on.

What? He cheated on you multiple times when you were a couple and you slept with one person when you’re not actually in a relationship with him.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

But get away from that gaslighting arsehole as quickly as you can

Gosh op he’s done a number on you. Read your post back, sex workers, drugs, cheating….. He is not worth a minute of your time. Not one. Not as a friend or lover. ‘We still love each other’ He doesn’t love you. I’m sorry to be blunt. He has strung you along feeding you sprinkles of carrots to keep you interested and is angry because you showed, for a brief moment, you aren’t just at his beck and call.
You have NOTHING to be guilty about.

He’s not your boyfriend
He’s not a good friend
You owe him nothing
He uses drugs and prostitutes
You deserve better
Get rid of him!

@TarasCrazyTiara

Ok… sure.

I personally don’t think a woman’s vagina is a place of business. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

I wouldn’t encourage my child to skip university to sell her body to men. If it’s such a great career choice then I’ll be expecting parents to encourage both sons and daughters to go get on the game.

We can agree to disagree. I think sex work is exploitative and it’s not any sort of work a woman should choose to do, or have to do out of bad circumstances. Work is that where there is an exchange of labour and where the exchange is reciprocal. A man paying so he can pump a woman’s insides is not reciprocal because buying a human for sexual access is wrong.

No one is ever going to convince me that prostitution is a great career and valid and empowering. And this sex work is work nonsense is just that.. women are trafficked so men can treat them like cum receptacles but we are supposed to act like it’s ok. That’s not my brand of feminism my dear.

I’m not the right one to debate on that. I don’t believe in the happy hooker stories from liberal feminism and I think men who buy sex should be arrested and thrown in jail for a significant amount of time.

@TarasCrazyTiara

He wants to cut contact with you because he feels betrayed, what more is there to say? His past is irrelevant if you forgave that. If both of you betrayed each other the relationship is over at this point.

Tbh it seems you just made this post fishing for sympathy and so people could tell you he’s worse than you.

Can you explain how the OP has "betrayed" her Ex, @TarasCrazyTiara?

Nah, thought not.
As you were. (Which is usually popping in on threads to randomly & erroneously scold women for things they haven't done, iirc ...)

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@MarshmallowSwede

Sex work is real work[/quote]
Sex trafficking is real trafficking.

Your point is ...?

Christ woman. You need therapy. This guy is a disgusting deadbeat, he’s the shit on your shoe. Time to scrape him off

@edwinbear

You're not actually together so you haven't cheated. He likes the idea of having you save yourself for him though, even though he doesn't want to be with you properly. He's a waste of space.

This.

If he wanted you himself, he wouldn’t have been stringing you along, making you wait in the shadows.
He’s no loss to you x

Why would you even consider working things out with someone who treated you so badly?
You didn’t cheat… he did.
Ditch him and move on.. you deserve so much more.

The sex workers he just said meant nothing

THIS is the only true thing he has said to you through this sorry debacle OP.

Those sex workers indeed meant nothing to him. They were just bodies, that he hired, They weren't human beings to him, with lives & meaning in their own right.

He is disgusting.

Now I am grovelling , apologising and trying to pick him up and cheer him up as a result of my actions.
You are in a coercively controlling relationship, without even being this geezer's g/f any more.
You are grovelling & apologising because of HIS actions, not your own.
he has trained you so well that you are unable to consider your own life through any lens other than the one he imposes on you.

I hope you can see this one day, & realise that you are accidently entangled with an abusive piece of shit who needs wiping off your shoe.