I slept with someone else

[Teachocsbook]

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

[Bqpo]

Now I am grovelling , apologising and trying to pick him up and cheer him up as a result of my actions.
Stop grovelling, you've got nothing to apologise for. Block him and take the time to focus on yourself not this waste of space.

[Nanny0gg]

Have you ever had any counselling? Because you really, really need to see someone to help you find your self-esteem. You've clearly lost it somewhere.

Cut that man out of your life and start living without caring what he might think

[NettleTea]

he should be trying to change for his own benefit - if he is having to TRY and he is only doing if for you, it wont be sustainable because its not what he wants

Dont grovel. Youve done nothing to grovel about. You arent even going out.

[AdamRyan]

Love doesn't look like an option, love is decisive, it's not complicated nor long winded. It doesn't cheat, hurt, hide or manipulate.

[AdamRyan]

Hes asked whether the other guy was bigger , how long it lasted. What's been said since. Its not a mutual friend and not someone he knows. The sex workers he just said meant nothing
This sounds like he's a sex addict to me - obsessed with it and focussed on his performance and how the other guy compares. He's more worried you preferred the sex than that you might have met a person who treats you better.

Listen. If he's that obsessed with sex, he is ALWAYS going to feel entitled to use sex workers if he does not perceive he is getting what he wants at home, he's is ALWAYS going to have totally unrealistic expectations of a healthy sex life and he's NEVER going to give you the love and intimacy you crave.

Bin him off. He's bad news.

[Blanca87]

Oh my god, his ego knows no bounds. How has your fanny not clenched together with absolute shite he says. The fact he exploits sex workers make him an even bigger loser. Seriously pick your self esteem up from the floor. You.can.Do.Better.

[Unsure33]

Honestly , read this back . He is using you , keeping you dangling and lowering your self esteem in the process. Dump him even as a friend and work on loving yourself . He is not worth the effort . If you get back with him he WILL cheat on you again .

[10yearwarranty]

You need to give your head a wobble. You've done nothing wrong, it wasn't a mistake. Why on earth did you think you needed to tell this idiot anyway. Stop fucking apologising for goodness sake and get a grip. Have some self respect and ditch this "friend".

[Dashel]

This guy is a controlling, using arsehole.

Do you really want to be strung along indefinitely, so you can be his fallback option? He isn’t a good guy, he is using you and you are stopping yourself meeting someone worthwhile just in case this arse wants to hook up with you.

There isn’t a happy ever after ending with him, but I can guarantee the second he hears of you dating someone else, he will come running so please block him, move on and don’t look back. He isn’t marriage material, he is a user and tbh using sex workers is grim and he just isn’t worth pausing your life for.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

This could be a very positive turning point for you, if you would just take it.

You must see what a scumbag this guy is. He doesn't want you anymore? GOOD! You deserve so much better. Block him, mourn whatever kind of loss you think you have suffered, and then move on without that toxic mess dragging you down.

[EllaVaNight]

Why on earth do you even want to speak to such a low life?!

The "needing time to think" is manipulation and bullshit.

mustn't have been thinking of him why the he'll would you want to think of him? Not just when you're having fun, but ever?

Hes asked whether the other guy was bigger , how long it lasted. What's been said since. Its not a mutual friend and not someone he knows. The sex workers he just said meant nothing Of course the reasonable thing to reply would be "that's none of your business" but I'm petty and would reply "twice as big, it lasted 5hours, was the best sex of my life and we're planning to do it again tomorrow".

Oh, and I'd bet my last pound he's shagged plenty of people in the last year. And worst, probably paid them for it which is abuse.

[Jabvribt]

I think ultimately this is a good thing for you to get him out of your life and see what type of person he is on top of what’s he’s done

[AuntMasha]

Please stop giving this utter shitgibbon the time of day, OP.

If you can, try to tackle your low self-worth and get some professional help.

[ElectraBlue]

You are no longer together so you can sleep with anyone you like! He does not own you.

Why would you want to go back to a cheat who abuses drink and alcohol anyway?

Raise your standards and look for a guy who will treat your well and has his act together.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Why on earth are you giving him this power and consideration?

The fact that he's more interested in the specifics of the sex act than in the nature of your relationship says it all.

You don't need to be grovelling, FFS. You've done nothing wrong.

You need to do a lot of work on yourself if you think this is all you deserve. You actually say he has never stolen from you as if that's an indicator of a good quality. Of course he should never have stolen from you. To say this suggests how low your opinion of yourself is.

This guy has taken advantage of you for years and is not trying to manipulate you and guilt you because for the first time in a long time you've shown a bit of agency in your life. There's no fucking romance in this. He's a nasty piece of work and his views should have no bearing whatsoever on how you see yourself.

Get rid, stop giving his opinions and feelings airtime. Block him and stop having any contact with him. Get some counselling for yourself and try to figure out why it is you think this is what you deserve.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

This "man" paid vulnerable women to use their bodies for his sexual gratification. He had a choice to look up the numbers to order them/go out looking for them, he still made that decision, drunk/drugged up or not, he wasn't forced and it was his CHOICE to do so. He's cheated on you 8+ times, let you replace something he had stolen by one of these women, and has chosen drink and drugs over being faithful to you on multiple occasions (if he was actually remorseful, he would have quit both after the first instance of cheating).
Yet he's acting like YOU are the bad guy, for sleeping with someone, when you're SINGLE?!
You have not lied, you have not cheated, you have not abused anybody or done anything illegal.
You deserve better, and he's an absolute joke to be acting hurt, he has no right to play the victim after what he's done to you.

[TillyTopper]

You had a lucky escape from him - once a cheater (and with apps, sex worker numbers etc it's not a one off is it) - always a cheater. Run and thank your lucky stars you got rid.

[storminateacupagain]

OP you are worth so much more

walk away

[UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea]

You didn’t cheat.
He cheated. Repeatedly. With sex workers.
He also took money from you under false pretences, letting you replace an item he told you he’d lost, when he’d ‘lost’ it by getting robbed by a sex worker he paid to fuck.
He’s strung you along keeping you as a fall back ego boost, whilst making it absolutely clear that you don’t mean enough to him to take you stuff with his family/friends.
Are you still providing sex on tap in return for all this humiliation and lack of respect?

I mean this kindly, honestly, but you you really shouldn’t get into a relationship with anyone until you’ve done some serious work on your sense of self worth. You’re disaster waiting to happen if you think that his treatment of you is remotely acceptable.

Sack this piece of shit off, and don’t look back.

[Pascal80]

He was never a ''friend'' and why on earth would you want a ''friend'' who had treated you that way - used prostitutes playing Russian roulette with your life? He could have caught and passed on HIV, Hepatitis to you. Having known people who have died of both, you don't want that.

Just unbelievable. Where is your self-respect? He sounds like a drug using sleaze pig as well - can't you find better human beings?

[ClemDanFango]

Jesus Christ OP read that back to yourself as if someone else wrote it.

[WorraLiberty]

If this is true, I don't think you should be dating anyone until you work on your self-esteem.

You seem to think so little of yourself that you accept this vile excuse for a 'man' treating you like shit.

Relationships are not for you right now.

[Crinkle77]

He's a hypocrite. Bin him off. If he loved you he wouldn't have slept with anyone else in the first place.

[BatshitBanshee]

I don't really understand why you're entertaining this loser. Sex workers & cocaine binges while you're together and now he's stringing you along while he decides what he wants? Good riddance. Let him off.

[tolerable]

People only treat you how you let them
get that to fuck.
you may well have a unargueable connection-youre calling love.theres absolutely nothing beneficial to you in it. that isnt gony lift you up in any way..
focus on you.know your worth. love yourself.
even induced with alchohol and cocaine-nothing excuses treating you.disgracefully. regardless of judgement on where he put it,far less why.get yourself std tested.
you get one life.dont waste it throwing it at people who dont even respect themselves. you matter so much more than that