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I slept with someone else
176

Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 15:30

Just looking for opinions.

3 years ago I got together with a mutual friend 3 years younger. 18 months down the line i found messages on his phone , dating apps , texts from sex workers. I asked multiple times and he swore he hadn't actually cheated. Eventually he admitted it. About 8 or 9 times. Mostly sex workers , a one night stand in a club just 3 months after we got together and in one case on holiday he went with a sex worker and he was robbed. I replaced the item he had stolen thinking he had genuinely lost it.

He ended it when he admitted it in his mind there were other issues around wanting his own family and living arrangements etc .

All of the episodes of cheating were after drinking heavily and taking cocaine during binges.

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

That was a year ago

Last month I was feeling very low and I slept with a friend of mine . I told him what happened as I feel so guilty, feel dirty and have ruined my friendship with the other guy and probably any hope of me and him getting back together.

Hes very upset , zays he needs time to think and maybe we should cut all contact now. I was sober when it happened and he said I must have wanted it to happen because I hadn't been drinking and the man it happened with had only recently become single (I have known him years)

Whats peoples views on this
Feel very upset probably lost two friends inside of a week I feel so low

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Comedycook · 26/11/2021 16:16

Oh come on...wise up my dear.

Talk about double standards...you're single and slept with a man you're friends with. He however, whilst in a relationship with you, cheated on you numerous times with prostitutes....and now you're being made out to be the one in the wrong?!

Dear lord....

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Wheresthebeach · 26/11/2021 16:21

Sorry?? What???

Why is it any of his business who you sleep with? This sounds mad. He's a serial cheat, uses sex workers and cocaine and you are worried about his opinion?

Don't give him another second of your time or energy.

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CaMePlaitPas · 26/11/2021 16:22

Eh? Why do you feel guilty or dirty? Talk about internalised misogyny, you haven't done anything wrong and to have a sex life isn't something you should feel shame for.

This man has you wrapped around his little finger, you're the back up in case someone better doesn't come along. Love doesn't look like an option, love is decisive, it's not complicated nor long winded. It doesn't cheat, hurt, hide or manipulate.

Move on OP, you may like him as a person, but he's not good for you. Withdraw from him gradually, stop responding so quickly to messages and go work on yourself. Whilst you are wasting your time on this man life is happening, you're not going to get this time back.

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Lovemusic33 · 26/11/2021 16:24

Why are you wasting your life waiting for this guy to sort himself out and to want you? He’s hardly a catch is he? A druggy, a cheat and someone who uses sex workers? He doesn’t want you and never has or he would be with you and wouldn’t have cheated when you were together.

Cut all ties and sleep with who every you want because this guy is never going to be available and will never treat you well.

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DrSbaitso · 26/11/2021 16:25

He cheated on you multiple times and lied about it, bought a woman, you split up, you slept with someone else while single, you told him for some reason, and he's now playing the stricken romantic hero?

Chuck him back in if he doesn't throw himself back first. What an absolute twat. I don't know what you see in him but it's a cheap shitty Poundland costume.

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TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 16:25

He wants to cut contact with you because he feels betrayed, what more is there to say? His past is irrelevant if you forgave that.
If both of you betrayed each other the relationship is over at this point.

Tbh it seems you just made this post fishing for sympathy and so people could tell you he’s worse than you.

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TarasCrazyTiara · 26/11/2021 16:26

@MarshmallowSwede

Sex work is real work

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Mamamia344 · 26/11/2021 16:27

You're worth a lot more than this - what a shame that you can't see it.

Sack him off immediately - he's not your friend. Friends do not treat each other that way!

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girlmom21 · 26/11/2021 16:28

Oh my god cut him off. He's a disrespectful prick. He slept with sex workers when you were together but youre in the wrong for having sex with someone when you're single?

Even if you do still love each other, which you don't, this could never be a loving, trusting partnership.

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TedMullins · 26/11/2021 16:29

Good grief OP please set your standards higher. You haven’t cheated. He’s a druggie who’s cheated on you multiple times, he has no right to a say over your sex life now. You’re not together! Why are you hanging around waiting for this lowlife? Bin him and go out and enjoy your life. You deserve better.

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NdujaWannaDance · 26/11/2021 16:36

That was over a year ago. We stayed friends. We get on well. I like his company and deep down we still love each other. He hasn't taken me to family occasions etc as he doesn't want to give mixed signals and people gossip and ask questions while he sorts himself out and decided what he wants with me and the future.

He doesn't want a future with you. If he did, he'd be busy having it, not holding you at arm's length for a whole year.

More to the point, why on earth would you want a future with him? He's a binge drinking, cocaine snorting knobhead who sleeps with prostitutes. Not really a catch, is he?

Let me just reassure you - whether you slept with an old friend or not is going to have absolutely NO bearing on whether this idiot wants to get back into a serious relationship with you. He doesn't. He didn't before you slept with your friend and he still doesn't now.

Move on. Don't waste any more mental energy on this man. He's not the one for you.

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DrSbaitso · 26/11/2021 16:38

Is this the sunk costs fallacy, OP? Are you worried that if you give up on him completely, it somehow cheapens whatever decent time I have to assume you did have at some point?

That's just how things are. You don't always know a person as well as you think you do, you can make mistakes. You'd only be a real, true fool if you don't learn from them and keep going back to exacerbate the problem rather than cutting loose and finding someone who knows how to be a man rather than a sexually incontinent, druggie sot.

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Charlize43 · 26/11/2021 16:38

Block him. He sounds vile.

Associate with men who respect women.

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Gonnagetgoing · 26/11/2021 16:41

Basically he has double standards then.

He's also not serious about you and is just stringing you along.

I'd happily cut all contact with this pathetic excuse for a man - using sex workers and you're happy to be with him are you? Get some self respect.

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Letsallscreamatthesistene · 26/11/2021 16:42

My view on this is that if he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. I think he's enjoyed keeping you as an option in case he gets lonely.

Cut contact with him. He sounds like a twit.

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AsleepOnTheTrain · 26/11/2021 16:42

Well rid of him!
I think your sub conscious wanted you to tell him to force his hand about getting him to tell you what he really thinks. And he did. Move on and up away from this drugged up wasteman

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thepeopleversuswork · 26/11/2021 16:43

Fuck me I can't believe you're even giving a second's headspace to this arsehole and his views.

He's strung you along for years, he's repeatedly cheated on you and used sex workers.

You weren't even together when it happened.

Now his poor feelings are hurt because you perfectly reasonably slept with someone else. Tough shit.

Stop worrying about what he thinks and wants. He lost the right to have any say over your behaviour a long time ago.

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Hoppinggreen · 26/11/2021 16:43

Find better friends would be my advice

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Dtukvg · 26/11/2021 16:46

You didn’t sleep with someone else, what are you on about. You are single and free to sleep with anyone you want. Stop confusing your life

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maddening · 26/11/2021 16:49

You need to work on your self esteem, it is not found in sex with anyone, nor is it found hanging round waiting for a man (who cheated on you many times and treats women with such contempt) to please pick you.

Once you work on your self esteem you will find that you are worth more than that prick.

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HesterShaw1 · 26/11/2021 16:50

Find someone else and cut ties with this person

Sleep with whoever you want, if they're single, if that's what you want. You owed him nothing and he was stringing you along while waiting to see if anyone he preferred showed up.

Fuck that. It happened to me and I was too blind to see. I wasted years on that games player when I could have been out having a good time. Don't do the same

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HelplesslyHoping · 26/11/2021 16:54

You're both single, you had sex with someone. He's stringing you along, giving you harsh terms and conditions of a relationship whilst probably shagging whoever he wants too. Leave him behind, tell him it's over and do not pursue any form of relationship with him again

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Cacee3029 · 26/11/2021 16:57

Imo he has no right to be upset when you aren't in a relationship. He's the problem, he's the one that ruined your initial relationship.

I had an ex who regularly cheated on me, sleeping with other people etc. When we split he was with a new woman the exact same night, new relationship straight away - fine whatever. I wasn't ready to move on straight away on as he had made me want to find myself again. When I did meet someone down the line, which actually happened to be only about 3 months later (didn't set out to meet anyone tbh but it happened). I was the worst person in the world. He didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. I'm still very much with the person I met 3 months after my ex - it has been 10 years or so.

One day the right person will come along. Usually when you are least expecting it 💕

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Teachocsbook · 26/11/2021 16:57

Just to address a few points

Hes never stolen from me. He had something stolen when drunk going off with a street worker abroad .

No of course He doesn't want me taken advantage of drunk. I think he means I was thinking clearly and rationally when it happened and my judgement wasn't clouded so I knew fully what I was doing and therefore must have not given him a thought.

Hes asked whether the other guy was bigger , how long it lasted. What's been said since. Its not a mutual friend and not someone he knows. The sex workers he just said meant nothing

I just felt wanted in those few minutes with this other man. He said how lovely I was as I had been a good friend through some shit in his life. Its something we both said was a mistake and won't be repeated , we are mates . It was a silly mistake . I felt like someone wanted me and had chosen me in that short time.

Now I feel like soiled goods somehow.

Hes said I have done nothing wrong he has no right to be angry and don't worry about it. But also that his heads all over the place he needs time to think and he's tried hard to change and what's the point. I feel like the worst person ever.

Now I am grovelling , apologising and trying to pick him up and cheer him up as a result of my actions.

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Gonnagetgoing · 26/11/2021 17:00

@Teachocsbook

Just to address a few points

Hes never stolen from me. He had something stolen when drunk going off with a street worker abroad .

No of course He doesn't want me taken advantage of drunk. I think he means I was thinking clearly and rationally when it happened and my judgement wasn't clouded so I knew fully what I was doing and therefore must have not given him a thought.

Hes asked whether the other guy was bigger , how long it lasted. What's been said since. Its not a mutual friend and not someone he knows. The sex workers he just said meant nothing

I just felt wanted in those few minutes with this other man. He said how lovely I was as I had been a good friend through some shit in his life. Its something we both said was a mistake and won't be repeated , we are mates . It was a silly mistake . I felt like someone wanted me and had chosen me in that short time.

Now I feel like soiled goods somehow.

Hes said I have done nothing wrong he has no right to be angry and don't worry about it. But also that his heads all over the place he needs time to think and he's tried hard to change and what's the point. I feel like the worst person ever.

Now I am grovelling , apologising and trying to pick him up and cheer him up as a result of my actions.

@Teachocsbook - oh please.

Give your head a big wobble and get rid of this loser. Listen to what he is saying You have done nothing wring he has no right to worry about it and he's tried hard to change and what's the point.

He really doesn't think much of you as a friend let alone as a relationship prospect, harsh though that sounds.
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