AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

[OneforTheTeamo]

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

I am always in the fence with these threads.

I get your pov, mainly. It's impacting your life and it's changing how you feel.

On the other hand, you don't lose weight until you are ready. All the ultimatums in world can't achieve that.

Putting weight on is usually more about how you feel about yourself, not an expression of how you feel about your partner.

While I do get you, I think expecting him to lose weight out of a desire to remain attractive to you is unreasonable and unrealistic.

I feel for you
But yeah if he dont wanna change.. that makes it really hard.
Hope he'll be interested in being healthy soon.

I totally understand why this bothers you.. my DH is similar to a degree but not at that stage weight wise but the lack of ‘self care’ (for want of a better word) is a theme I see with him and it’s a real turn off. I think for me it’s a turn off because of what it implies; a lack of self respect, of confidence, of drive, and those are elements I find unattractive. I think if it’s a ‘patch’ for him you can get through it but if it’s a long term thing and he has zero interest in changing then I wonder if you are really compatible. You are motivated and driven and it’s bothering you he is not the same- I think that’s valid and YANBU even if that presents itself in his weight gain. It’s not the extra weight that’s the real issue, it’s his lack of motivation to do anything about it. I think a serious chat is in order but you obviously need to focus on his lack of self care/motivation/drive rather than the extra kilos. Good luck xox

YANBU. To put it quite bluntly, I wouldn't be attracted to a man who had no interest in looking after his body and his health.
It's true that he does need to actively want to change, though, and it doesn't seem as though he's ready for that, so I'd be seriously considering what to do going forward.

If you were post menopausal and gained a lot of weight he would be absolutely flamed for leaving you due to your size. I personally don't really see the difference. Surely you love the person they are?

Yabvu, you don't have to fancy him for what ever reason but once you start issuing any ultimatum then the relationship is over. Strange to see the replies here though , if a man wrote this about his female partner .... Well it would be a whole different kettle of fish.

A lack of self care/using good as comfort suggests he may be struggling. How is he in himself?
It's unlikely losing it will help (though I understand your frustration)
Could he seek counselling?
What about going to the gym together?weight training is great for confidence and weight loss

If you were post menopausal and gained a lot of weight he would be absolutely flamed for leaving you due to your size. I personally don't really see the difference. Surely you love the person they are?

Isn’t his attitude the problem? I doubled in size after each DC and looked horrific, but I made an effort to lose weight and returned to normal size. DH was supportive but obviously noted I was huge. I think if I ate like a monster every day and said ‘well this is just me now’ his attitude would have been different. Actually now he has put on a bit of weight and doesn’t seem to care, I do point it out and tell him he needs to eat less and exercise more… mainly as I see him eating loads and making no effort to change so I think it will just get worse.

I would never be with someone just for how they look but I think anyone who says is absolutely doesn’t matter is kidding themselves.

You can’t issue an ultimatum though!

I totally understand that this is off putting, I'd feel the same. In my relationship I'm the one who has put a bit of weight on, combination of reasons. My dh doesn't criticise but will encourage supportively if the topic comes up which is the best approach if the reasons are contextual as they are for me, and once my situation improves I intend to improve my figure for health reasons. I'm lucky in that my weight gain hasn't gone so far that dh has stopped finding me attractive but I wouldn't blame him if that halterneck I wouldn't fancy him if he was too fat either (though I'd still love him obviously).
The real problem here is that your dh has student outlook to health and diet. If its not depression (and if it is your attitude will not be helping at all) and he just doesn't believe staying healthy is necessary /worth doing then it's like any issue in life where two partners have wildly different priorities - you have to try to understand each other to see if it's a deal breaker.

@romdowa

Yabvu, you don't have to fancy him for what ever reason but once you start issuing any ultimatum then the relationship is over. Strange to see the replies here though , if a man wrote this about his female partner .... Well it would be a whole different kettle of fish.

I don’t see the similarities in this person who perhaps is struggling with motivation or self care, and a woman going through the menopause. I expect that the weight gain or lack of self care is a symptom of another issue; eg depression/stress rather than a biological change. You can be menopausal or a ‘laid back’ character and still enjoy looking after yourself or keeping healthy- I don’t think the two scenarios are comparable xo

You need to be direct.
Fat around the stomach is harmful and increases the risk of heart disease
I’ve sent mine for a health screen - let the doctor tell him
I know he struggles with impulse though so might get him more paid help

But an ultimatum…no…

Your feelings are valid but I feel it it was a man talking about a female there would be an uproar... also, you are probably affecting his self esteem if you keep mentioning. Being overweight isn't something he can fix overnight! He needs to be in the right mindset too!

I can see both sides but I feel you would be damaging his self esteem.

I don’t think an ultimatum is the answer; I do think you can tell him that it’s effecting your relationship because of the sex side and you worry about his health. Be direct rather than tactful or annoyed.

This bit stuck out for me:
I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.

Don't guess. Body shape doesn't tell you a whole lot. For decades, my dad was outwardly healthy looking. Didn't drink, didn't smoke, slim as anything, very physically active. Me and my mum were (are) fat and less active, drank a bit, didn't eat as well. For decades he nagged us "you're unfit, you're going to have a stroke, you're going to have a heart attack, you should lose weight" etc etc. Then he had a massive stroke because it turned out he had super high cholesterol and blood pressure which he assumed he didn't have because he was thin and active. He's now severely disabled. When my mum and I got checked out after that, our blood pressure and cholesterol was excellent and the GP said our health was fine. My dad was really grumpy about that.

The op didn't say if they have children. I've been in a similar situation and made all the excuses re it was his prerogative, he needed to be ready to diet himself etc. Meanwhile he peaked at around 25 stone and developed heart and pancreatic issues. It's very difficult to teach children healthy eating habits when their father guzzles 6 litres of coke per day.He had to leave work and be financed by myself whilst most of his time is spent attending clinics. Not an attractive lifestyle and I'm putting that mildly.

It's a cliche but it's true: it has to come from him. Nothing you say or do will work if he's not motivated to do it for himself.

Maybe it's the nagging that is doing it? To be honest, if I had someone trying different ways to do anything that I was finding hard to motivate myself to do, I would also dig my heels in and be stubborn, regardless of how I felt about that person, to mask the fact I was finding it hard and was too proud to ask for help. It's a real problem with me and I find it utterly frustrating but can't stop myself doing it - and food is one of those areas where I do it. Every time my mum says something about dieting, I reach for the cheese and self sabotage.

It's a tricky one. I found myself still attracted to DH when he was heavier, because I loved him dearly and he was willing to put up with me at my heaviest too, and still find me attractive and love me. I am not sure I would feel that way about anyone else, but then I'm not with anyone so it's easy for me to say that. In the end, you like what you like, and if for you that is someone slimmer and healthier, then that is what you are attracted to and it then has to be a decision about whether you love him enough to overlook the lack of attraction. And it isn't an easy decision. Those who say that a man saying the same about a woman are right in a way, but the point is, it isn't always a shallow decision. Sometimes the person does agonise over it, but doesn't tell anyone else, so it appears shallow.

I wouldn't stay with someone overweight if they weren't willing to do something about it. And yes, I'd say the same to a man posting about an overweight wife. You're not obligated to have a sexual relationship with someone you're no longer attracted to just because you signed a piece of paper years ago.

If you're not physically attracted to your spouse then you're just friends who live together aren't you? I have plenty of overweight friends, people come in all shapes and sizes but I wouldn't get into a romantic relationship with someone overweight because I don't find that attractive.

You've tried being supportive and encouraging but nothing is changing. You either leave or accept that this is your life now.

You could be speaking about my ex.

It got to the point it was uncomfortable during sex and he was sweating on me.

I lost respect for him and stopped having sex with him. He then suggested counselling as apparently I had damaged his self esteem by not sleeping with him.

We didn't split up because he was fat, although it was his weight that disintegrated our relationship.

If he is over 40 then book him an NHS well-being check at the GP. I do these daily for patients. We discuss alcohol, smoking, height/weight/bmi and do finger prick test for cholesterol and diabetes risk. Sometimes the results can be shocking enough to get people to really rethink.
We can also refer to intervention services. He may not like it at the time but often patients say to me after that they subconsciously think back to the results and have made small, maintainable changes.

There is a world of difference between middle aged women putting on weight due to pregnancy and menopause and possibly the difficulty of fitting in exercise and healthy eating alongside juggling work and the domestic mental load and a man who is eating extra calories just for the hell of it as the op describes. In the former situation, I would expect a partner to help in a supportive way and understand the challenges around that woman losing weight. In the latter, the op is cooking healthily, offering support and he's just ploughing on regardless. I think she it NBU to explain how she feels and yy to the idea that his approach and attitude is the problem more than the actual weight.

It’s up to you, my DH have been together through fat and thin (we switched around i used to be a lot thinner and now the tubby one, he used to be tubby and now thin). It’s just not the most important thing to either of us.

But ultimately if it’s important to you then it may not work out. You can’t force him to lose weight.no-one is owed a relationship and no-one is owed sex, you can leave a relationship for any reason. But you were really awful to “lose it with him”. He’s not being fat to piss you off.

Often when men are complaining about a wifes weight its in the context of having had children, not lifting a finger or taking on the load and then complaining she’s not exercising and eating right when she’s overwhelmed.

But yeah either accept it or leave, but don’t have a go at him, that’s definitely not going to help.

I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.

I'm the one who has put on alot of weight in my relationship. If my DH felt like that I would be fuming, I know its annoying you and you care about his health and clearly also how he looks. But its so self centered its unreal, you are making it all about you. If you are unhappy then leave him. No amount of guilting someone to eat healthier is every going to work. I absolutely hate being fat, I was basically starving myself to be slim when I met my DH.
I do hate myself, I have low self esteem, anxiety, I can't hear someone laughing in the street without assuming they are laughing at me.
But in no way us any of that affect how much I care and love for my husband.
If he believed there was a correlation between me struggling with my weight and how much I love him, I'd tell him to get a grip.
And even as much as I hate my body, I still pick at cheese, order takeaways, overeat. I wish it was as easy as just stopping.

(As an aside I have been healthy eating and exercising for 2 weeks now, I do try, it just never really sticks).