AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

[OneforTheTeamo]

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

My dh put weight on for a few years when he was suffering with depression.
I was a bit naggy at times because I found it a real turn off.
Luckily his work circumstances changed and he lost the weight and is back to doing his sport and keeping fit.
I am mindful that dh had to do it himself though, my input didn’t help at all.

Wow. Imagine if a man had said this about a woman. The responses would be, "Every woman is beautiful and come in all shapes and sizes", or he'd be accused of body shaming and superficial for only being attractive to slim girls.

For the record, I would agree with all those kind of comments - a man should be ashamed of himself for body shaming any woman.

But the same standards also need to apply in reverse. I feel sorry for the OP's partner.

Try talking to him about it. Tell the truth, that you're not attracted to him when he's over weight. Offer to go jogging with him.

I can understand you. I'm in the same position. Although I still fancy him and love him and it didn't make me want to end my marriage I work so much for his health in the long term and wonder if it will 'ruin' our retirement together. That makes me sad. 😥

I’ve sent mine for a health screen

Its like you are talking about your hamster, not your husband.

@Silvercatowner

I’ve sent mine for a health screen

Its like you are talking about your hamster, not your husband.

That was my reaction too! It's like that poster is talking about an animal they're sending to the vet.

@CurzonDax

Wow. Imagine if a man had said this about a woman. The responses would be, "Every woman is beautiful and come in all shapes and sizes", or he'd be accused of body shaming and superficial for only being attractive to slim girls.

For the record, I would agree with all those kind of comments - a man should be ashamed of himself for body shaming any woman.

But the same standards also need to apply in reverse. I feel sorry for the OP's partner.

See this to me doesn't make sense.

Not everyone woman is attractive to every person on the planet. Neither is every man. I find that most people will be beautiful or attractive to someone. But not everyone.

Are all people beautiful? That depends on what you mean. I believe we can find something beautiful in most people. That doesn't mean you want to make a life with them or have a sexual relationship with them.

No one is obliged to want to have sex with someone else. No one is obliged to find someone attractive.

Which is what I think when the posts are the other way round.

Op, isn't obliged to find her attractive or be guilty of body shaming her partner.

If its got the point that people are using 'body shaming' towards people who don't fancy someone, then it's not OK.

Yabu regarding ultimatum

You can’t change someone

If he does not want to change, that’s that. You will have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker

@TheWitchersWife 2 weeks is just te first step, keep going 💪

Have people actually read the OP?
He’s over 6 foot and has gradually put on 2 stone. Most people would barely notice that change in someone (not saying the OP is wrong to notice) but from this talk of massive medical issues you would think he was practically buying a mobility scooter.

I understand your thoughts you can’t bully someone into loosing weight. And if the genders were reversed and a woman posted her husband “looses it with her” because she got fat she’d be told he was an abusive bastard and to leave.

@Darkpheonix - I 100% get your post (and thank you for such a reasoned debate/response!).

I agree that you can't be attracted to everyone. However, we are talking about the OP's partner of 5 years. A partner she even said had a little extra we8ght when they started dating. This isn't some random she's met in a bar. This is a 5 year relationship, where a lot of time and feelings for each other have already been invested.

I do believe she is shaming him for essentially "letting himself go" - this is someone she loves! Be supportive, don't give ultimatums due to the way he looks.

Love how this post is OK because its a woman imagine the shit a man would get if he made the post

*weight, not we8ght!

if a man wrote this about his female partner .... Well it would be a whole different kettle of fish.

Only because these are female dominant spaces. I say it's the same whether you are male or female. It is unattractive if your partner piles on weight. Greed and lack of caring about your health are also unattractive if we are honest. We are just supposed to pretend that we don't care.

You can't 'do' anything. If he doesn't want to lose weight, you can't make him. You either stay with him as he is or end it.

! Be supportive, don't give ultimatums due to the way he looks.

It's not just looks though. It says "I'm a bit lazy & unmotivated" which are not qualities one looks for.

I have sympathy, OP.

I remember my ex having put on a fair bit of weight, he seemed to take the view that now he was in a comfortable relationship and had a nice house, he didn’t have to bother any more. When I met him he did sport and ate well, but a few years into our relationship and he seemed to just want to lie on the sofa with a pack of beer or a bottle of wine and snacks.

TBH I just didn’t really fancy him any more by the time we split up, although we split for other reasons. I remember looking at him one day and thinking “Is this it? I’m going to spend my life with someone who just can’t be arsed any more?”

It’s not an attractive trait. And I’d say the same whether it was a man or a woman asking about this.

I completely understand the OP's POV. I'm basically in the same position. DH is 6'4", 21-22st, used to be a bit chubby when we got together but now very obese. Snores really badly, has weight related damage to both knees so most meaningful exercise is painful, he can't swim or cycle either.

To be fair to DH he is truly big boned - he has size 13 feet, we struggle finding hats, watch straps etc that fit as his frame is just extremely large. But that's not an excuse to eat half a loaf of bread & half a block of cheese per meal. I tried to help him with different diets over the years - LCHF, intermittent fasting, whatever. He says I'm being controlling. I feel that 22st is too heavy for sex, although I'd never say that to him. We have a child, & I do love him. I'm pretty much resigned to not growing old with him. It makes me so sad as I love him but I think he won't do anything to improve his health until it's too late.

@Silvercatowner

I’ve sent mine for a health screen

Its like you are talking about your hamster, not your husband.

@Stellaris22 It’s early in the morning - are you really going to pick on my every word? Would you prefer ‘researched health screens and suggested that he go for one which he agreed to’ instead?

I feel sorry for the people around you… they deserve a medal for putting up with your overthinking! Please do something to improve your miserable lives

[quote CurzonDax]@Darkpheonix - I 100% get your post (and thank you for such a reasoned debate/response!).

I agree that you can't be attracted to everyone. However, we are talking about the OP's partner of 5 years. A partner she even said had a little extra we8ght when they started dating. This isn't some random she's met in a bar. This is a 5 year relationship, where a lot of time and feelings for each other have already been invested.

I do believe she is shaming him for essentially "letting himself go" - this is someone she loves! Be supportive, don't give ultimatums due to the way he looks.[/quote]
I do get what you are saying. But I think the line that it doesn't matter if you change, if someone loves you they will stay isn't true.

And its possibly that I dont think believe 'love is blind'. I can generally meet someone who I may think isn't attractive at first and then become attracted to them due to their personality. That bit I get.

But, I also get losing attraction to someone.

My dp is 6ft 4in, massive shoulders etc he weighs 17.5 stone and still looks fairly slim, but has a lot of muscle. Not body builder style, just from having a manual job. If he rose to 19.5 stone, it would still be alot. Its quite a lot of weight. Regardless of people saying it's not.

Its enough that it's making sex uncomfortable for the op.

I can imagine if I decided to have loads of botox and lip fillers, dp would no longer find me attractive, either. I would accept that and if I really wanted to do it, I would. But that would be the risk.

I don't think time invested in a relationship really impacts wether you find someone attractive anymore or not.

Its really a really difficult situation because I see both sides, having put on a lot of weight when my mental health took a dive. I get why people want to believe that if someone loves you, everything else doesn't matter. But I don't believe it's actually the case.

I think lots of people would choose to over look the weight gain, but I think loss of attraction and enjoyment of sex can be a killer in many relationships. That doesn't mean they just don't notice the weight gain or it they donr find someone less attractive.

I think many people also over look the way our weight can change us as people. Many times when people moan about their partner gaining weight, there's also a change of their personality included. Nor wanting to go out, loss of motivation. And even if it's a MH, there's only so much your partner can do to support you.

When I think of the reasons I find my dp attractive, alot has to do with his personality. If he was suddenly unmotivated, unfunny, didn't want to do anything I would support him trying to get back to who he was. But if wanted to remain the same, eventually I would have to decide wether I could live with him like that for the rest of my life. I am sure some people would stay. But its not right for everyone.

I do agree ultimatums won't work. If he doesn't want to lose weight, threats won't help.

I am nor sure the phrase 'letting himself go' is really body shaming either, especially since she has described how he can't get out of chairs etc. He is letting his health go.

And on the flip side, how has he not noticed sex is uncomfortable for op and she isn't enjoying it as much. Or that she is unhappy. Where is his concern for her needs?

I genuinely don't think there's wrong or right here. I can see both sides.

You're not unreasonable to hope he will lose weight, as if he continues eating like you say he is he is going to gain more weight which is unhealthy for him.
You are unreasonable to issue an ultimatum over it.

Maybe take up walking (long country walks) or cycling or swimming with him? Perhaps if he got a bit fitter it would help motivate him to lose weight.

I think you are brave for posting this. You certainly will get flamed but I agree with you. I wouldn't be attracted to my husband if he put on 2 stone and didn't care. I would love him of course but I would not find him attractive. It's hard to feel the same sexually I think when a person's body changes like that. The fact he doesn't do anything about it would also bother me greatly. I would be constantly worried about his health and to watch him struggle would be very hard.
He wasn't like that when you met him so I think it is perfectly natural for your feelings to change as he keeps getting bigger. That doesn't make you a bad person, just an honest one. You cannot help the fact that him being fat turns you off. People make such a big deal of that on these threads. You should fancy a person at 10 stone or at 20 stone. I will love them at 10 stone or 20 stone but I won't fancy them at 20 stone. I will worry about them at 20 stone.
This isn't a post about eating disorders or how hard it is to lose weight but a very honest account of how a lady is struggling to find her husband attractive at that size and that is ok... she cannot control that feeling, it is there regardless. If only you could turn feelings on or off.
Why should it be different for men and women? Why, if it were a man who wrote this would he be absolutely vilified for not finding his overweight wife attractive. He still loves her but he does not fancy her at that weight. That is NOT his fault. You either fancy someone or you don't. You cannot pretend, ignore, or magic it away. It is there and it is not going anywhere.
It's sad but true yet it is a taboo subject.
Fair play OP for your honesty.

Interesting that women will say that it’s okay to be obese, but it’s not okay for men to be overweight. OP, what is your DH’s bmi? Maybe you could frame it in a way that you’re concerned about his health because being overweight creates loads of health problems? Don’t comment on someone’s looks unless you have a thick skin when they comment on your looks.